Astral or Star Jelly is a real event/substance that has been found in all areas of the earth (please Wikipedia it). My friend performed a DNA analysis on a sample of Star Jelly, and the results were amazing. His group concluded that the sample mostly had mitochondrial-like DNA, but it was very different from anything reported (much longer and having possible different base pairs).
Astral/Star Jelly is often found after meteorite showers or other astral events. I found some when I was young (heavy Northern Lights and Meteor Shower event). I crafted the first chapter of a potential novel. Please give feedback. I am switching to google docs, so soon I will have links to my works.
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Chapter 1
The Byproduct of Gods
Her owners had held her for so many lifetimes that the stream, which flowed, near her family’s hut was gone. The trees that provided fuel, housing, and food were missing, replaced by a prairie. After all the years of the concept of returning home keeping her going, she did not feel safe. There were no people near her village, and it took her days to unearth signs of her youth. She discovered the land that she had first walked on only because the mountain and stones did not move. As she cleaned the Blue Volga granite idol of her parents’ deity, she felt nothing. The blue-green face of the god looked sad to her. He also was no longer safe. His followers were dead and his power forgotten.
Her first owner was a traveler. They moved with each new moon. Her master felt safe but she failed to understand that her entourage plodded along a predictable path. After many decades, a tale of a demon woman who did not age traveled the same circuit. Finally, a village attacked the demon. Her second owner was the daughter of the woman who bought her. The daughter decided to build a fortress and to rule her fief. Her third owner was the daughter’s son who had grown tired of never gaining his birthright. His guilt and myopic greed caused him to sell her to an alchemist. From that point on, she was an item for trade or barter.
Her final master failed to return home. She remained in his caravan for a week, performing her duties. When she had eaten all the food, she felt justified using her knowledge to destroy her metal shackles. It took her five days to dissolve her bindings with her jellies.
She thought of the places that she had felt safe. Those havens were all underground. A magician made her live in the passages beneath Kyiv when he was being hunted. The tunnels funneled the 15 rivers of the city and protected inhabitants from invaders or punishing ruling forces. For twenty years, she had lived in the coquina catacombs of Odessa. A man who thought he was a seer was convinced that his power had attracted the attention of dragons and demons. No one could approach the lair unseen.
After a week of searching the now unfamiliar area, the woman began to carve her home from the soil of her childhood. She spent fifty years making her home safe. Only she would know the paths and twists of her underground world. Only she would know where the escape exits emerged into the surrounding world.
Eventually, her home attracted others. The woman could have chased them away, but she felt a need to observe people. When the fourth generations of villagers were aging to the grave, there was no hiding the fact that she had not died. The villagers erected a semi-circular wall around the entrance to the woman’s cave. The wall grew and the woman did not protest the separation.
Generations later, people whispered that the villagers maintained the defenses of their community to keep the woman away from the town’s children at night. In the tavern, each generation of gallant males would boast that they would be the one to remove the blight of the woman from the town. When she inevitably outlasted them, she would attend the funeral of the most vocal warrior from each age group.
Daily the woman would remove more soil from her dugout. The community would search her discarded diggings for possible minerals or stones. They did not share any discoveries with the woman. During times of blight or famine, the locals would collect her soil and remove it from the community.
People would peer around the wall to scan the woman’s home. As the village grew, a leader placed two chairs at endpoints of the semi-circle barrier. During full moons, periods of strife, festivals, and other social events, menacing men sat in the chairs. Infrequently, people tried to enter the woman’s home. Aside from the guards, it was the more distraught people of the village who visited her.. The most recent person to enter the woman’s home was a grieving widow. Her grief made her seek the woman to find answers about her loss. Three mornings later, the villagers found the widow in the public square with drapes of herbs, flowers, and crafts around her limbs. The people thought the widow was dead or mindless from torture. When the widow awoke, she went to her house and began the chores for the day. When pressed about the woman’s abode, the widow would state that the home was loved, clean, and well maintained.
On the spring day when the widow was about to remarry, she was again discovered in the square coated with ropes of herbs, flowers, and idols. The woman disappeared for a decade after the wedding, but the widow brought her newborns to the opening of the earthwork to declare their names into the sunken space.
The aging hamlet relaxed when the woman was away. There was a sense of freedom in the people. They did not fear the retribution of the woman for their actions, and parents could not correct their children with threats of giving them to the woman. At times, the leaders of the people would consider filling in the woman’s hovel, but shovels and spades would split if used to cover the opening of the woman’s home. One regretful man tried using a mule and cart to dump rocks into the fastness. The stones crushed the man after his own tram flipped over on him.
Although the townsfolk feared and despised the woman, she had free reign in the village. As an indicator that she was amongst the people, the woman would adorn her head with a dark purple scarf. No other members of the village would wear that color. They looked for it whenever the woman shopped at the market. The woman paid with old and foreign coins, but the merchants welcomed the precious metals they were composed of. During the dark days of winter, the people collected the woman’s tender and deposited it into a lead box. The villagers had a belief that the more people touched the woman’s currency, the longer the winter would be.
After the community fortified against the woman, religious leaders organized efforts to erect carved idols and large wagon-wheel hexes aimed at her home. Each generation attempted to counter the woman with the current symbols of spiritual protection. The largest structure in the village was now a church, and the threshold of the church was oriented to face the woman’s home.
The woman was home when Alyona began her schooling in the church. She had learned the fundamentals of math, reading, and writing. She knew that her coursework would end soon. The village expected girls to be useful to a limit. Her mother walked her only surviving child to school along a path that would prevent their shadow from falling close to the woman’s realm. The villagers performed this ritual after someone claimed that the woman had controlled their behavior by stealing their shadow.
Alyona was daydreaming during school of a life away from the village when the woman touched her. Alyona had spent the morning in the woods collecting mushrooms and other edibles. Her findings made for great, free additions to their usually simple meals. . On days that Alyona returned with a bounty, they shared the extras with neighbors. It was a wager that these people would remember the gift and provide Alyona’s home with food during lean days.
The person gripping Alyona twirled her body so that she faced the opposite direction. Alyona assumed the culprit was another student or a young assistant at the church. It could have been a boy attempting to bully her to get her attention. She lowered her right hand, preparing to use the back to slap the violator. Alyona’s willingness to confront her accoster left when she saw the face of the woman under her purple scarf. Alyona knew she should look away from the woman, but her eyes locked with the woman’s gaze. All the stories the Alyona heard about the town ghoul stated that the woman was so old that her skeleton was all that was left of her body. The woman’s youthful face surprised Alyona. There were no lines or furrows on the woman’s forehead. If anything, Alyona would have stated that the woman’s face glowed.
I can smell it on your hands. The woman placed Alyona’s fingers under her nose. The force of the drawn air startled Alyona. She thought that the woman had pulled the top layer of skin off her index finger. Alyona’s toes curled when the woman sampled her hand. Across a church aisle, one of the priests was herding schoolchildren. He spotted the two of them. His face darkened at the sight of their contact.
WHAT IS ON YOUR HANDS, ALYONA? The priest shouted over the children.
Nothing, Sir. The woman’s tongue darted over the tip of Alyona’s index finger. I was harvesting in the woods before class.
You touched more than growths and nuts this morning, Singleton Child of the Crying Matron. The woman chewed on her thumbnail.
Alyona did not like her mother being referred to in that way, but the eyes of the woman immobilized her. How could she react forcefully to a person who was savoring her hand?
She is mine today, priest. The woman held out her other hand to the shepherd of the church. I will pay her mother for occupying her child for the day, and she will be returned unsoiled and whole.
The priest brought a gurgle of protest up but was shut down quickly.
My tunnels are beneath your place of worship and the bedchambers of Mistress Blake, The women stomped on the ground, and I know all of what has occurred within your walls.
Alyona realized that she was screaming when her throat began to sear. She expected that the woman’s hole would be dark, but the home glowed. There were mirrors and reflective glasses positioned throughout the house to harness sun rays from many holes and entrances in the surface of the residence. Therefore, Alyona was able to see herself yelling on fifty surfaces.
Hush child. The woman touched her mouth. Do not be afraid of the manner in which I inspected you. It is a show for the people. I only want to talk about your morning, and then I will let you go with a full belly and money to buy many toys.
Alyona felt her utterances dwindle down to a wheeze that slipped out her lips.
You have the scent on your fingers, girl. The woman was now examining Alyona’s left hand. It is on both hands, so you must have found a huge source.
A source? Alyona wanted to look at her hands but she maintained her attention on the woman.
Sit. The woman pointed to a well-padded chair. Sit and I will return with small pies and honey.
Alyona hovered over the seat. She wanted to be strong and to stand, but then she smelt the pies. The chair was very soft. There were no pins, claws, or spines in the cushion like she feared.
Alyona. The voice of the woman wove through the tunnels of the underground network. Alyona felt her name circle around her. She had never been afraid of her name before. Alyona Pistan…daughter of Fiva and the missing soldier.
Alyona closed her fist and felt the pain of her nails digging into her palms.
Fiva lives off the salary that the Duke must pay for your father’s military service. Your mother knows that the Duke no longer wants to pay this burden.
Alyona wanted to speak but her throat stung from screaming.
Your father’s name is Bay. He earned this title because he would not stop speaking when he was a baby. Like a horse that always had an opinion, your father would squawk at everyone before he knew words. The voice was now coming directly towards Alyona. My first gift to you and Fiva is the information that your father lives. There was a pause in the woman’s words. An enemy does not enslave him; he is lost with the simpleton that led him away. One day a map will lead him home, child.
The woman emerged from a cutout with a basket laden with pies, a pot of honey, wooden utensils, and slices of ham. In her other hand, she held a bucket of colored water.
We will eat together. The woman placed the basket on Alyona’s lap and retrieved two cups. After you accept the first pie, I will tell you an important secret of mine.
I do not think I want to know any of your secrets Starly-Gradda.
The woman laughed and placed the small wooden spoon into the pie directly in front of Alyona.
Elder-grandmother, you call me. The woman dunked a cup into the water and held it in her left hand. I think that term is the nicest thing a child has called me in a lifetime.
Alyona brought the food to her lips. She smelt the mint, berries, and kasha. Gently she laid the pie onto her tongue. She did not chew; she only let it rest in her mouth. She expected that the food would burn or numb her. The taste was full and made her wish to spit the substance out because it was too good to be real.
Ah, she eats. The woman clapped her hands. I was your age when I saw my first god being born.
Alyona choked on the pie.
I was sitting by a riverbank when the god entered our place. The woman drank from her cup. It was a bright yellow fish with shiny scales. I saw it come from nothing to being here.
The woman snapped her fingers and Alyona swallowed her food.
No one prayed for its existence. No one was singing for it to bring salvation. The woman made circles with her hands in front of Alyona. As far as I know, simple fish do not worship gods, but a god came for the fish of that river.
The woman tapped Alyona’s hand to take another bite of pie.
It floated there. The woman held up her hands. Here I am…a young maiden…thinking a god or demon turned itself into this creature to seduce or corrupt me. Again, a chuckle came from the woman. No other god cared about this special fish. I think it was floating only because it did not realize that a fish should swim in water.
Alyona grabbed a slice of ham. It had been two months since she had meat that was not paste.
Eventually, the golden fish fell into the water and swam away. The woman pulled back her hood and revealed her full face to Alyona. I tried to follow it, but it swam away from shore, and I lost sight of it.
Alyona cleared her throat and licked her lips.
Girl, if you want a drink, just take it. The woman filled Alyona’s cup and handed it to her. The ham is not that salty, but I think your sore throat would improve if you drank.
Alyona sipped the water. It did not taste bitter. It did not smell foul. In fact, the water’s taste was a mixture of apples, roses, and plums.
I told my mother, and she whispered to my father that they needed to trade me into marriage now, before I became soft in the head. I did not want to marry at my age, so I told her that I would go find proof of my shiny golden fish. The woman used a toothpick to dollop out a portion of honey. There was nothing in the water when I returned. I waded in the cool stream. I put my head under the surface and looked at the rocks for the golden shimmer. I found nothing.
Alyona ate the ham.
I was weeping on the spot that I saw the god be born. My heart was full of dread. I started to believe that the shiny golden god was not real. I was so sad that I was quickly accepting that I would be married to an old man so that he would tolerate my problems. The woman tapped her top lip. I felt that my mother had no love for me. I thought that if the golden fish were my mother, it would love me just because that is what should be.
Alyona selected another pie. This pie contained spices and mashed nuts.
Your mother loves you. I listen to all the words spoken in this village. If a parent lacks love for their child, I correct them or have them leave. The woman did not form a fist. She turned her hand into a claw, the conviction in her words hanging in the air until she relaxed it. As all hope was gone, I put my hand down in the grass, and felt the substance.
The woman held her hand flat towards Alyona.
It was clear. It was squishy like the rendered bones of stock animals. It had a pleasant smell, but I was scared to taste it. The woman cupped her hands. I gathered this glob. I used the front of my dress to carry the material. When I believed that the last speck was contained in my clothing, I ran to my parents.
Alyona had felt something similar in the forest that morning.
My mother accused me of only finding the discarded waste of an animal. She threatened to smear it over my face. The woman moved the honey pot closer to Alyona. My father took me to the village shaman, and he looked at the material. They scraped the material off my clothes, but not around my breasts. The shaman thought it was bone waste from an owl, the eggs of a species of frog, a shell-less egg from a dying bird, a mushroom that was usually underground, or the spit of an evil spirit.
Alyona’s eyes widened.
Of course, something as amazing as what we found would be considered evil. The woman waved her hand. I have discovered many bundles and I have never seen the substance created by an evil thing.
No? Alonya asked, breaking her food-induced silence.
No, child. The woman touched the tip of Alyona’s nose. It is not to say that evil people and things are not interested in the substance, but the creation of it does not come from evil.
Alyona resumed consuming the luxurious treats.
The morning after I saw the god being born, people started to fall sick. The woman sighed. My mother blamed the god substance. It was hard for the village not to turn on me after my mother told them it was my fault. The woman’s shoulders lowered. I had not slept that night, and I did not clean after my discovery. They put me in a crate that only had three holes. My father fed me and still cared for me.
Alyona did not know how to react but to nod at the woman.
When my elder brother was close to death from the illness, my mother brought him to my crate. She told me that I would have to watch my brother die because I was an evil liar who unleashed a demon on the community. I could see him wither in pain from the openings in my prison. The woman moved a third pie in front of Alyona. The night my mother told me that my brother would die, my father talked to me. It was an act of rebellion against my mother, but he asked me if I knew what had happened. I cried to him about how this was not something I did. I pleaded with my dad that I would never make my brother suffer, and that the day watching him had crushed my will to live.
The woman tore a slice of ham into pieces and placed pieces of the meat on the floor of her keep.
My father and I wept. He told me that I was likely to die because of the sickness. The woman tapped the tray. Not that I was sick… or was likely to get sick, but because it would seem as justice to the people. I knew his words were true, but I could not think of anything else to say.
The third pie was berry and egg meringue. Alyona did not know that pies like this one existed.
I entered the crate in the dress I wore when I saw the god be born. The truth is that I only had that dress and a wedding dress. My mother kept the dress I would’ve worn to my wedding in a box near her bed. A cat approached the pieces of ham. My grandfather had given me the wedding dress when he died, but she took it from me. My father used what he received from his father to buy me the only special clothes I would have in my life. My father loved me, Alyona, just like yours.
The cat touched Alyona’s leg. It startled her, and she confirmed that the cat was not black.
We talked about the jelly I had found. My father told me that he had tried to burn it, thinking it was an odd piece of animal fat. The substance did not burn. My father then tried to crush it out of existence, but the material was soft, but not easily destroyed. The woman touched the center of her chest. My father’s words made me remember that there was still some of the jelly on my dress. I touched where they did not scrape, and there was a patch of the substance. I pinched the substance and it coated my fingers. It felt warm, but not hot.
Alyona was glad that the cat had returned to the ham.
My father grew angry. He was arguing with the air that if he were a real man, he would protect his daughter and revive his son. He was a good father. The woman showed Alyona a closed smile. He was crying because he knew he could do nothing. I was sore and battered from being in the crate. I felt so greasy and disgusting. I thought I was no longer the same girl that wandered in the meadows.
The woman offered to refill Alyona’s water cup.
For some reason, I brought the fingers I had used to touch the smear of the jelly that was on my dress to my mouth. The taste was tangy, but not foul. It was better than the food that my father had inserted into the holes in my crate. I sucked on it. With both hands, the woman rattled the basket. I felt so much better. It was amazing. I could not see it, but I felt my dry, cracked lips heal. My mind became clear. I knew what I had to do.
Alyona stopped eating to listen to the woman.
I asked my father to place my brother’s mouth in front of the biggest hole of my crate. He thought I was mad. He accused me of confessing that I pledged my soul to demons, but I told him that I felt different after praying to our god. The woman looked directly at Alyona. I rubbed my fingers on the same spot of my dress, and I placed them into my brother’s mouth. He was so weak that he did not respond to this action. I moved my fingers along his gums, his teeth, I even touched his tongue.
Alyona spoke to the woman. Was he healed right away?
The woman chuckled.
I like you Alyona, but you have the impatience of a child. The woman touched Alyona’s chin. It was not a sudden reversal, but he did not die. People died that night, but my brother lived. More importantly, he was the only person to get even slightly better. He was not running in the fields, talking to everyone better, but he was no longer crying in pain. His eyes were no longer looking like they would burst. Moreover, my father stopped crying for us.
I am glad. Alyona looked at the half-eaten pie. She wanted more of it, but she thought it would be rude to return to eating.
It was another day, another four deaths, before my father told the shaman that he thought I could heal the sick. They pulled me from the crate and inspected me. The women called for me to be stoned. The men wanted me burned. The shaman asked how my brother was alive, and how I was still in good health. The woman tapped her right temple. I knew I had to lie. I knew that I could not tell the truth. I had to convince these scared people that I was not dangerous.
The woman shuffled the half pie back to Alyona.
I fell in front of the shaman and shouted, ‘The Green Man came to me.’ I do not think you know the Green Man, child, but he was the god of the people before Christ came to the land. The woman pointed to a drawing of a large tree man. It matters not what god I said talked to me. I yelled that I knew that I did something wicked, but our god had forgiven me, and I was now able to cure the sickness that was killing the village.
Alyona returned to eating the pie.
They whipped me and bound me. I feared that they would burn my dress, so I yelled that the Green Man said that if I were to heal the village, I would need to be as I was when he forgave and blessed me. The woman opened her hands so that Alyona could see her palms. The oldest people would pray in this manner. They tied my legs together and only allowed my right arm to be free. However, that was all I needed to start to heal the people of my life.
Alyona finished her meal.
I would say our prayers; tell the people who were watching that the Green Man wanted everyone to close their eyes so that his healing ray could hit the person. The woman pulled her head backwards with a laugh. During this time, I would pull some of the jelly off my dress and stick the substance in the person’s mouth.
The woman laughed deeply.
What? Alyona asked.
I did not know that so many of my fellow villagers were missing teeth. Children of the people that always had food, had damaged and missing teeth. I was trapped and bored, so my mind began to guess how many disgusting teeth injuries each person would have.
Alyona shivered.
I thought the teeth were bad, but then it got worse. The woman looked upwards. It was on the third day of my healing that it happened for the first time. It was night, and the shaman had decided to blind me with a rag during the healing. Someone’s parents said that they did not want me to steal the soul of their child while I healed them. I placed my finger into a very small mouth, and everything was different. I did not feel a tingle from treating a person with the substance. I sang our songs to Green Man and rubbed jelly over my right fingers. I had planned to give the infant as much of the stuff as I could. The woman covered her eyes. The tiny body jumped, but there was still no response.
Why? Alyona wanted to know.
The baby was dead. I did not know if the god-gift could bring life back to a person. I was scared that if I did not return this child alive to their parents, I would be killed. The woman bobbed her head to the ceiling of her cave home. I kept doing it for a long time. I replenished the coating of my fingers four times, but still there was no living response. I finally shouted into the air. I faked arguing with the Green Man. I begged him to give me the infant. I spoke words that no one had ever heard in an odd voice that I thought would sound like the Green Man. This battle went on for minutes until I asked if whoever brought this child to me would allow the Green Man to have the special child live with him. I am not sure if the parents knew that their baby had died. I am uncertain if the parents wanted me to do something that I thought was evil, but a male voice eventually responded that it would be an honor if his young son joined the hunters of the Green Man.
Alyona gasped.
I spoke in my fake Green Man’s voice that the parents of his new hunter would be honored with a new child by the next spring. I informed the parents that they would find gifts for the next year. The woman rocked her head so that she was looking at the floor. They brought me five more dead people to heal, but no more deceased children. I did not make a fuss over the dead adults. I stated that the Green Man blamed the family for their death. If they truly believed in the power of the Green Man, they would have brought their loved ones to me before the sickness took them.
Alyona nodded her head.
On the fifth day, my fingers were raw. My nails felt like they were growing too fast. I guess I was healing and benefiting from the jelly, but I was placing the same fingers into people’s mouths most of the day. The worst problem was that my dress was getting dry. The woman traced her lips with her right index finger. I think my father was watching me. I think he saw me searching desperately on my dress for any of the substance. I believe this because he brought me fresh peas to eat that night. In the third pea he gave me, the pod was full of the jelly.
Did your village love you for healing everyone after those days? Alyona smiled at the woman.
No. The woman patted the girl’s forehead. They kept me in the crate. There was no joy for me after I found the jelly.
You saved them.
The woman breathed deeply.
I said that the Green Man had used me to save them. I was nothing but a tarnished girl who may have the power to harm or make people ill. The woman turned her head to the side.
Did your father and brother free you from the crate? Alyona looked hopefully at the woman.
No child, the town folk dispatched the shaman with me in that wooden prison out into the world to purge the town of my evil. He threatened to kill me daily. He attempted to abandon me at every opportunity. The woman cupped her hand in front of Alyona. When I sensed a second source of the god jelly, he was able to sell me to a person.
No! Alyona did not know if it was a spell, but she was extending her hand towards the woman.
The sum was so great that my parents and brother lived well. The woman clapped each hand separately. That was after the shaman took his share of my bounty and spent more money on food, drink, and women on the trip home.
That’s…..
That is life, my special girl. The woman grabbed her hand and they stood up. The woman led the pair through tunnels and caverns. Eventually, the woman pulled her through a blanket of vines that concealed an exit to her labyrinth.
Your forest, Alyona. The woman gestured to the glade Alyona crossed to enter the woods.
Alyona pulled her hand away from the woman and pulled her hair back.
I am not sure what you want me to find. Alyona looked up to the woman. She received a smile.
I have never told anyone this before, the woman stuck her tongue out to Alyona, when I first touched the jelly, I felt that there were ants under my skin. It was the power of the jelly moving through me. It was such an odd feeling that I thought it was a sign of madness.
Alyona lowered her head. I felt something like that. I thought it was worms latching onto me from the peat.
That is the place, little one. Take me there.
Alyona was about to step forward when the woman asked her another question.
What color was the substance you touched today?
It was not one color, ma’am. Alyona moved her hand down to her legs. She brushed unseen but felt passengers from her body. I grabbed it first because I thought it was rose root. My mother could turn the flower into medicine to sell or trade. Alyona knelt and touched the ground. Except that the flower was so low to the ground and it was not the red or yellow flower I normally pick. They were violet with orange centers.
They did not feel like flowers.
No. Alyona pulled her hand away from the ground. They stuck to me like honey.

((Hey all! This chapter is my longest yet, but don’t expect many to get THIS long! Now, this one is HEAVY so I am putting in warnings right away: Heavy topics include: Firearms, humanity’s history with guns, talk about human atrocities, human fight or flight response, and heavily excessive drinking. As usual credi goes to u/SpacePaladin15’s Nature of Predators series. Hope you enjoy.))
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FIRST//PREVIOUS//NEXT
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Memory transcript subject: Arxur exchange participant Syle
Date [standard human time]: October 21, 2136 It was finally time to learn about human weapons! My tail flicked side to side as we went through a very thick metal door and down some stairs to a room under his house he called a “basement.” I do not know what a ment is, but it was more than enough to be an Arxur base! There were guns EVERYWHERE. I saw guns as long as I was tall, some guns so small they were smaller than training guns we gave kids! Guns made with wood, some made only of metal, some made of plastic, old, new, and in between! I didn’t know so many types of guns even existed!
There was also tables set up to both work on the guns and another full of plastic, metal, and more with lots of weird machines. It didn’t take me long to figure out it was a place to make ammo though. The gunpowder was quite the giveaway.
“Why do you have so many guns?” I asked him as I walked from rack to rack.
“Been collecting all my life. Never got into cars, clothes, or anything really expensive, so bought a bunch of guns. Helps that I got a ton of money when my parents died and a house to live in. Plus, the government pays me VERY well.” He explained as he adjusted a few on the wall.
“I didn’t know so many guns could even exist.” My eyes wandered over a few. Particularly one that was a mix of wood and metal. A few bits of wood sticking out of what looked like a metal box and a tube.
“Humans have made guns for many reasons.” He explained picking it up and moving a round thing at the top back and forth some. “Some were made for hunting only. Some guns were made to get around rules.” He pointed at a weird gun without a stock, but clearly looked like a smaller version of their assault rifles. “Some were made to be fun.” He put down the gun he had been holding and tapped a tiny little gun that had a barrel, handle, and a round part full of holes to hold bullets. “But, most were made for war. From war they were changed to be fun, to go hunting with, and to just be different.” He put his hand on the old rifle he had used to beat me in the competition we had.
“Like this. This gun was made for war and had been used for a very, VERY long time.” He put his hand on a solid black thing made of metal and plastic. “This is called an AR-15. They were invented by my country to be weapons of war, but their parts could be changed in so many ways that they were a big hit with civilians too since they could make each gun their own.” He then tapped one of the more modern assault rifles that I had seen their soldiers using.
“How did you get a military weapon!? I mean, shouldn’t that only be for soldiers? Did you steal it?” I asked him as I poked it. To think this tool had killed so many Arxur so easily, and he had one! “We are allowed to own them in America.” He explained as he took it off the wall to show me. He worked the charging handle to make the various parts move for me to see. “The funny thing is is that its not even the best rifle available! The military tends to use guns that are not the best because they are cheaper.” He put it up and picked up a different assault rifle. This one had a nicer optic on it, was far sleeker, and, for some reason, had wood on it. “This is my personal favorite assault rifle.” He put it back on the wall. “If anything bad ever started to happen, that is the gun I would want to use!”
I nodded and followed along as he went from gun to gun.
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Memory transcript subject: Arxur exchange participant Syle
Date [standard human time]: October 22, 2136
I'm worried about him. He hasn’t left the couch in hours as he watched the humans yell and stampede on the TV. This wasn’t a normal stampede though, the person on the TV said that the UN leader had been killed and there was fire and fighting all over earth. My eyes drifted by the door where his assault rifle rested against the frame with four magazines full of ammo next to it. My eyes drifted to the one in the gun and I let out a breath. Even I knew you didn’t keep ammo in your gun unless you needed to be ready to use it.
He had told me that we were safe, that we were far enough away that nobody would come out here, and even then nobody really knew I was even here. He told me if there was a real risk he would have body armor on and a gun on his waist too.
But he was still ready.
I could see his eyes only briefly look at me before he looked at the TV. The people were screaming about how aliens were evil, how only humans should be allowed in the milky way and that humans should stop talking with any humans. That it only brought problems.
They were not wrong either with everything they said too. I mean, the federation did just blow up most of their planet, and the arxur were, well…. The arxur. I wanted to hold him like he held me. I wanted to swear at the people on TV and tell them how lucky they had it, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t good at this fucking emotional stuff!
I turned around so I could hiss without him hearing me, only to see his pad ping. It was that messaging app.
Firebird: Hey, are you ok? I saw the reports about what is going on with the stampede. Talk to me. I know this isn’t normal for humans.
The message was meant for Jack, but I didn’t know if he wanted to read it. Hell, I didn’t even know how to even TALK to him right now! I didn’t know anything! I stared at it. This was a Krakotl on the other side. I knew they would hate me if they knew what I was, but they were the ONLY person that could tell me what to do.
54rhuman: This is the-
I paused. No way i could tell her I was a fucking Arxur!
54rhuman: This is his exchange partner. He isn’t happy and I don’t know what to do!
I let out a breath. Hoping the prey would be better with emotions than I was.
Firebird: How is he acting? Are you ok?
54rhuman: I am worried about him. I am not good with emotion stuff, and he is clearly hurt. He is just staring at the TV and I don’t know what to do to make him feel better!
Firebird: I don’t think either of us could make him feel better right now. But, maybe we could work together. I am going to request a call, accept it. Maybe together we could talk to him and distract him.
Soon there was a message saying “call from firebird” popping up on the screen. I paused, claw over the button. What if she found out I was arxur? What would happen to me? Would she be angry? I then looked behind me at Jack, still staring at the screen.
Fuck it. We need help. He helped me so its my turn.
“Accept.”
I took a breath and waited until I heard the clicking of a beak on the other end.
“Hey. I’m firebird. Me and Jack have been talking a little bit. I know I don’t know a ton about humans, but I just want to help.” She explained. I could hear the worry in her voice as my tail flicked side to side.
“Thank you.” I squeaked out trying my hardest to make my voice as soft and as high pitched as possible.
“You sound… strange.” Shit. “Still, we have bigger things to worry about. We can talk later. What is Jack doing?” She asked as her beak clicked a few times between words. I nodded a bit as I watched him. He was so focused he didn’t even hear me talking to this Krakotl. “He is just staring at the TV. He isn’t mad, or scared, or anything!” I explained not even caring that my voice was returning to normal.
“Okay, no stampede is good! Does he show any signs of… hate to say this, but it fits: Predator disease?” The way she talked, bringing up predator disease so casually, this wasn’t a normal Krakotl was she?
“No I don’t think so. He got ready for a fight, but we are in a very safe place. He even said so.” Ie explained slowly watching over my soft human’s now hard body. I didn’t like this at all. He was watching the screen like an arxur hunter watching a fight!
“Lets just… talk to him then.”
“I need help with that. I am not very… good at talking.” I admitted.
“I can tell. You are a very strange one.” She said back. “Are you a fellow exterminator?”
My tail went rigid and I had to cover my mouth to hide my hiss. A fucking, gnashing, venlil shit exterminator?! I took a deep breath in. She was here to help. She was the ONLY one that could help. Plus, she didn’t scream or anything about the idea of a human being weird.
“No, I am not. Lets just focus on Jack for now.”
“Agreed. He needs us.” I nodded and walked into the room. Jack looked up at me with wide eyes before letting out a deep breath and leaning back into the long-chair.
“Hey Syle. Sorry. Just… a bit concerned is all.” He whispered out before motioning to the TV. His voice wasn’t soft, wasn’t loud, it lacked almost everything.
“Hey Jack, its me, Firebird.” Her voice came out loud and clear through the datapad causing him to jump. Finally he was thinking about something else! He looked from the pad, to me, then back to the pad with even more worry on his face. I simply did the shoulder move thing that the humans seemed to do a lot and he took a deep breath.
“Hey firebird. Sorry our first voice had to be with… this going on.”
“Its okay. Are you okay?”
He paused a long time as I sat next to him. I calmly slid my tail around his waist and pressed against him trying to be as comfy for him as he was for me when I was having problems. He paused, looked at me as his face grew red again before looking back down to the pad.
“No.” Jack admitted with a long breath. “I know we are safe, I know this will pass, but its still not good. I always hate seeing humans get like this.” He explained as he pressed back against me.
Silence. Humans had done this kind of thing before!?
“What do you mean?” Firebird asked first. “How could you know these things? How have you seen this before?” She asked.
“Well, its not normally this bad.” He admitted. “There will be fights for a long time if people are this upset. But… let me think how to explain this.” He finally muted the tv and took a long, deep breath. I hated that explaining something bad about humans is what got him to stop watching it, but it was for the best.
I hope.
“Listen. Firebird. Don’t tell anyone else about this.” He looked down to the pad as he gave his order. Like hell some prey exterminator would ever a-
“You know I won’t. I haven’t talked to anyone about what we discuss. Its all confidential.”
Oh. Good birdy.
“Good. So.” He put his hands together and took another deep breath. This was clearly hard for him, but I wanted to hear. “There are two ways to respond to bad things. Prey have what we call the flight response. It is when the body naturally tells you to run away, hide, scream, and more. Arxur have what we call the fight response. The need to stand up and, well, fight. A more violent reaction to what triggers it. Humans have both.” He then motioned to the TV out of pure habit like firebird was in the room with us.
“This is what happens when there is nowhere to run for humans. Those with fight would get violent, but what pushed things over the edge is that many humans with flight reactions found nowhere to run. We have no colonies or anywhere. We hid in the safest places we could find. And died.” He took another deep breath. “We have sayings about how a cornered animal fights the hardest. These are humans that are ruled by fear and anger with nothing to really fight. To them the only way to get the bad things to stop is to get rid of aliens, since that is what caused all this.”
He paused a long time, thinking about something.
“Listen. Humans are… complicated. But to me we are at our worst when we are scared, angry, hurt, and have something that is… not like us to focus it all on. Some of humanity’s worst times was when we had all those bad emotions and focused it all on something that we had decided was… less than human or different enough.” He explained slowly. “Now here we are. VERY scared, hurt, and angry AND we have things that are very much not human to direct it towards. It was going to get violent no matter what.” He then looked at the TV. “I just was hoping it wouldn’t get THIS violent, but, it could be worse.”
Worse?
“Worse?” Firebird asked. I was glad she did since there was no way in betterment I was going to bring that up.
“Yes. We fought wars and killed… A lot of people just because they were different. Horrible things were done.” He took a breath. “Listen. There are reasons why the Arxur make us so angry and uncomfortable. One group of humans got VERY angry, scared, hungry, and hurt so they joined with a few humans who told them that it was all because of some people not like them. That the others were not as human and were evil.” He took a breath. “A lot of people listened to him and agreed to to very, very bad things. He caused a war that most of our planet had to fight in and did things that were VERY bad. Even by Arxur standards. We as a species fought him and when the war was over we swore never to let them happen again, and most of those who did the bad things were killed. We called them crimes against humanity. Crimes that were so bad they went against what our very species stood for.”
He paused to let it sink in. “There had been times before as well when humans fought because they were scared, angry, hurting, and were told the other side was at fault. Bad things happened then too. But one thing is almost certain: most people always look back at them to show one other side of humanity that is great.” He looked back to the TV at UN soldiers organizing the crowds and a smile came to his face. “We love to cheer for those that fight against that evil. Those that stood up and made things right, that made humanity BETTER. They are some of our greatest heroes.”
He watched the soldiers for a bit before taking a deep breath and turning off the TV. “Alright. That is enough for now.” He closed his eyes and leaned on me a little. I let out a small chirp and felt the tip of my tail betray me again.
Hold. Still. Damn. You.
“Listen firebird. S-” he paused to look at me before changing my name just in case. “-Sssylmia. This is just a bad stampede really. Please don’t be upset or think humanity is bad for it.”
I rubbed his head a little to try and comfort him. “You know I cannot do that.” I whispered softly to him. “We both now I have done worse.” He made a strange noise and his face turned more red, but he nodded.
“And I might be an exterminator, but I won’t judge humanity for this. I saw what the gojid did on the cradle during their stampede. Wait… Sylmia. What have you done?”
Oh shit.
“She was just forced to make some bad choices when she was young.” Jack pounced in to help save my tail!
“Hm. Makes sense. What species is she anyway? Remember, no lies. We agreed on that early on.” I was starting to like this bird FAR less now.
“Can’t say.” He admitted. There was a little bit of beak clicking from the other side before a long breath slid out of her. “Alright. Fair enough. I assume its to protect her identity. It sounds like she had predator disease at one point so you don’t want to reveal any identifying information.”
He looked at me with a bit of worry before she spoke up again. “Hey. Just take a moment. Have a nice strong drink, talk with Sylmia a little while, and just relax. You said this will be over right? Let it end on its own. Sometimes the best thing to do with a stampede is just let it happen.”
We both nodded. “Okay, thanks.” He put an arm around me. “I think we will just play some games, have a tasty meal, and a few good drinks then sleep early. Thanks firebird.”
“Call me Taita. I want to meet you someday and I think its time we just used each other’s real names. I know Sylclea’s faux name anyway.”
“Fair enough. Jack is mine.”
“Call me first thing tomorrow. I want to make sure you are ok. Deal?”
“Deal.” He then hung up, gave me a warm hug, then went to go make food. I could see it in his face that he was still hurting some, but he was far better. I got up and followed him both wanting to see what he was going to make, and to make sure he was going to stay ok.
—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Memory transcript subject: Krakotl exterminator team leader Taita
Date [standardized human time]: October 22, 2136
Oh. Oh speh. The voice, the strange way they talked, the struggle with emotions, the fact they didn’t notice I changed that fake name, the fact Jack hid her species, AND a bad past?
She was an Arxur.
How was she an Arxur?
I pulled a bottle of my favorite strong drink from a cabinet and poured myself a glass. Then another after that one went away.
Oh speh oh SPEH!
I wanted to study the arxur one day, but never thought I would even TALK to one! What got me the most though was the fact she was trying hard to help the human. She clearly was showing empathy, worry for him, she was showing prey like emotion.
AN ARXUR!
Sure it was one that Jack trusted enough to live with, but it shouldn’t be possible. Can they get prey disease? Could more be like her? She could be good! No, few prey would DARE talk to an exterminator when their friend was in that much pain. But here she was begging for my, MY help!?
I downed another shot.
I did already make up my mind about one thing. All the evidence and my own gut led me to a conclusion: I could trust her and be friendly with her. She was not evil.
An arxur.
How?
Federation wrong about human. Could wrong Arxur?
Another s-h0-t.
I w1ll hav3 to think about this more l4t3r. Nobody can kn0w. But… must learn more about ALL pr3dators. If arxur can be friends 4nd fed without killing sentients. Then… war end. EVERYONE safe.
WARNING! Alcohol memory corruption detected!
An- s- ot. To. mne.
hhhh0w?
WARNING! Memory fatally corrupted by excessive alcohol consumption. Damage beyond repair. Later memories %80 uncorrupted. Please read another transcript and report issue to archivist.
FIRST//PREVIOUS//NEXT

The title screen was shown once again, the Aftermath theme playing as the flaring letters took the scene back to the beach where Josh was now standing alone.
"Welcome back to the Total Drama Aftermath!" he greeted. "Bruno's been restrained, and now we're going to take this episode to the next level of excitement. Here's Dawn with the deets!"
"Thanks, Josh!" Dawn said as the scene cut to a cliff near a large waterfall, the Peanut Gallery members assembled closer to the edge and divided roughly based on who they were supporting. "So, have any of you missed being in the game?"
The camera cut closer to the nineteen former competitors, none of whom said anything.
"That's what I expected!" Dawn continued, "because you're going to be competing to help your favorite Final Three contestants win!" he said as the camera panned over the unenthused faces of the gallery.
"Unsurprisingly," Dawn said, looking at the lack of Mal supporters, "no one has Mal's back for the finale."
"If it was Mike, then some of us would switch sides just to support him," Eva said.
"Good point," Dawn nodded, "but this challenge won't work that well because of it. So temporarily, I'd like some of you to switch over to Mal's side."
"Not going to happen," Ella disagreed.
"Definitely," Sadie agreed.
"Just think of it as supporting Mike, or else I'll make you do so," Dawn got serious.
Not having a choice, Beth, Brick, Cody, Courtney, Shawn, and Sky stepped over to Mal's side.
"I'm glad to hear you guys are so passionate about who you're supporting," Josh said as he walked up to the group, "because one member of each team is about to risk their lives for their favorite! Any volunteers?"
"I will volunteer," Ella immediately volunteered for Team Ezekiel.
"But I wanted to do it," Harold said.
"Surfing the waves can improve my mood, and I need a stress reducing activity to take part in," Ella mentioned.
"Let me be Mal's proxy," Shawn told his team. "I could use more screentime."
"You are skilled enough to go on a surfing mission," Cody said. "Go for it."
"Thanks!" Shawn cheered. "I get to show you all my newfound surfing skills."
"And who's going to represent Team Izzy?" Dawn asked the team.
"Ooh! Me me me!" Owen stepped up immediately.
"Perfect! Let's take a look at what Ella, Shawn, and Owen are up against," Josh said with a knowing look at the camera, and the shot cut to the bottom of a lower cliff face with a staircase carved into it. "Players have to race to the top," the host said as the shot panned upward a little ways to another grassy area where a trio of wooden heads sat behind a simple altar, the central one large and intimidating, "and then snag one of the traditional Hawaiian leis from Lono, the Hawaiian god of prosperity and sporting events." The camera zoomed in close to the central wooden depiction of the god, then panned leftward to six surfboards in a variety of colors and styles standing nearby.
"Then, grab a surfboard and take it back down the stream!" Josh continued, the camera moving towards a rapid stream running down a fairly steep slope. "And when you get to the bottom, watch out! There's a bit of a lava spray nearby," the host said, the camera cutting to the mouth of the stream at a waterfall situated next to a small but active lava vent that shot out a small burst of molten rock. A few yards away from the stream's mouth, floating on the ocean, were a trio of rafts that were empty save the flag each bearing a face of one of the finalists.
Ella, Owen, and Shawn gasped in shock.
"It's a good thing no one got heavily injured," Dawn quietly told Josh. "Everyone's in perfect shape for this challenge."
"First though," Josh said as the shot zoomed out to reveal the large blackboard that had been wheeled next to them, "here are some pictures of animals you can find in Hawaii!" he said, motioning to the images on the board.
"If you went to the Maui Zoo!" Dawn added.
"Each team must pick an animal to represent the spirit of their player," Josh explained as the camera zoomed in for a closer look at the choices: bear, dolphin, Doberman Pinscher, shark, deer, jaguar, rhinoceros, raccoon, moose, lion, and kangaroo.
"Owen," he turned first to the optimist, "which animal do you think best represents Izzy?"
"I'm going to go with the jaguar," Owen responded. "They're both super fast."
"So Izzy's spirit animal is a jaguar!" Dawn said with a smile. "Shawn, can you choose for Mal?"
"Drats," Shawn said. "There are so many vicious ones?" He stared at the board for a few moments.
"You do realize this show's half-hour right?" Josh asked impatiently.
"It's only twenty-two minutes," Shawn corrected. "And that's counting the opening and closing credits. I got it!" he declared suddenly. "Shark. Mal is a shark."
"That's a not so obvious choice," Dawn deadpanned.
"Sharks aim to kill, and Mal has the same motive," Shawn said.
"Ella, you're next. What's your choice for Ezekiel?" Josh asked the princess.
"Deer," Ella said confidently. "Ezekiel's a deer."
"Why are you picking a deer for Ezekiel?" Duncan asked.
"He's pure when compared to Izzy and especially Mal," Ella answered.
Josh spoke up. "Here's the catch: If you can make it all the way down the stream and past the lava spray without losing your leis," he explained as the camera cut to the mouth of the stream as another spurt of molten rock shot out of the vent, "you have to put that lei on your team's spirit animal to win." The shot moved down to the three rafts, upon which the three chosen animals were now standing tethered to the posts holding up the pictures of the finalists: Ezekiel's deer on the right; Mal's shark in the middle; and Izzy's jaguar on the left. The black male intern finished adjusting a collar on the jaguar's neck and the animal snarled at him, prompting the intern to fearfully turn and dive into the water.
"Looks like we made good decisions with our animals," Shawn told Ella. "Sad to say, but I'm dominating this challenge."
"Getting a lei on a shark will be harder than a deer," Ella replied.
"I really hope that jaguar doesn't eat my lei," Owen begged to himself.
"Whoever manages to lei their animal first will win a major advantage for their finalist, and whoever gets second will win a modest advantage," Dawn announced.
"And last place gets nothing," Josh added, "which will make winning really hard for their finalist, assuming they can even make it to the final challenge."
"Good luck!" Dawn told them brightly.
"And go!" Josh set them off.
Shawn struck a karate pose. "Prepare to lose to my combat and survival skills!" He ran off at top speed, leaving Owen and Ella behind.
"That advantage belongs to Ezekiel," Ella added before running off as well.
"Up I go," Owen said to himself before running in the opposite direction…only to realize his mistake and ran to where Ella and Shawn went.
\
The footage flashed ahead, showing the leis and the giant carved head of Lono as Shawn skidded up to it in his normal clothes. "Mighty Lono," he said reverently, "thank you for this flowery blessing!" He picked up a lei. "I may have forgotten my swim trunks, but I won't let you down!" he said as he looked to the sky.
It was stolen, however, by the sudden reappearance of Ella, now changed into her pink short dress-like one piece. "We'll see about that," the princess said as the conspiracy boy scowled.
Owen was the last to arrive, wearing a pair of orange trunks. He was panting as he ran and bashed his head against every low-hanging tree branch he encountered. When he finally made it to the leis, he stopped long enough to pant. "Whoo, that is steep. But I made it."
The trademark dings of a musical number sounded, the note icon appearing just above Owen.
"Sorry," Dawn said as she walked up, "but Chris said we have to make you sing a song."
"Aww man. I thought we were done with that," Shawn griped.
"I didn't mind it now," Ella said. "So what are we supposed to sing about?" she asked Dawn.
"Just a challenge song," Dawn told her.
///\
[A drumline opened the song, an acoustic guitar soon joining in as Ella bobbed her head to the rhythm.]
"Doing this Hawaii style; surfing through this magic mile!"
[The waterfall and cliff were shown from a distance as she began singing, then the shot cut in close to the surfboards again as she grabbed a yellow one, spun it around, and dipped it as though it was a dance partner.]
"Just hope I can get past by, the lava that is flying!"
[A quick pan showed the stream below, then returned to the clifftop as Ella looked down determinedly, then jumped with her lei in one hand and her board beneath her.]
"One last chance to prove my might; what else keeps me up at night!"
[Shawn sang next, looking down thoughtfully with his lei clenched in his left fist; he extended his right hand as if to grab something, then spun around and grabbed a red and orange striped surfboard from the row.]
"Why else would I volunteer, for something death-defying?!"
[He smiled confidently, then sang as he ran across to the cliff's edge, jumping into the air and putting his board beneath him. A splash was heard as the scene cut to the stream.]
"I'm winning for real!"
[Ella sang confidently, Shawm soon catching up, singing "Yeah yeah!"]
"I'm winning this deal!"
[Shawn shot back, pulling ahead as Ella repeated "Yeah yeah!"]
"I'm a surfing goddess!"
[Ella countered, pulling ahead again as Shawn sang "Yeah yeah!"]
"You're put to the test!"
[Shawn countered back as he regained the lead, Ella once again repeating "Yeah yeah!" as she caught back up.]
"I'm not stiff, but I don't move much! So what if I can't such and such!"
[Owen sang as the focus moved back to him on the top of the cliff, holding his green surfboard with a lucky charm implanted as if it were a dance partner. He stopped 'dancing' to hold his lei.]
"I'm the king...of Izzy's team! So! I'll show them I'm a winner!"
[He deftly moved behind his surfboard and shoved it to the cliff. The camera cut to the cliff as it soared toward the edge, but cut away before it was shown falling off.]
"I'm winning for Zeke!"
[Ella sang, the focus cutting back to her close-up. In the background, Shawn and Owen sang "Yeah yeah!" together.]
"'Cause I'm not weak!"
[The camera pulled back to show an image of Ezekiel sitting on the surfboard and waving to a happy Ella before disappearing in a sudden puff. Once again, Owen and Shawn sang "Yeah yeah!" in the background.]
"I'm surfing for Mal!"
[Shawn sang as the camera cut to him, showing an image of Mal sitting on the edge of the surfboard and smiling triumphantly. In the background, Ella and Owen sang "Yeah yeah!"]
"And he's not my pal!"
[Shawn sang skeptically, the image of Mal on his board squinting her eyes in frustration and disappearing with a puff.
"Aaahhh!" Ella suddenly yelped, gaining the attention of both Shawn and the camera. "Hot hot hot!" she said in a slight panic as she ducked under a few burning rocks that had been ejected from the volcanic vent. "Ahh!" she finished as the tip of her board was singed by one.
"Ah!" Shawn said, the camera cutting back to him as he also tried to dodge the semi-molten rock and got his board burned in the process. "No fair!"]
"This is messed up, it's true!"
[Owen sang to a few pointed drum beats, the shot cutting to a close-up of him in a surfing pose.]
"I'm not planning to sue!"
[The camera pulled back to show Owen riding his surfboard through the lava spray.]
"Step aside and let me through!"
[Shawn sang to Ella, speeding up and passing her; in the background, all three of their voices chanted "Yeah yeah!"]
"I'm not quitting soo~oon!"
[Ella countered, quickly catching up so that she and Shawn were vying for the lead. Once again, all three of their voices chanted "Yeah yeah!" in the background.]
"Oh~oh, I'm winning this ti~ime!"
[Ella continued, taking the lead briefly as the three voices chanted "Yeah yeah!" once again.]
"Sorry Ella, it's mine!"
[Shawn countered, taking the lead again as the three voices chanted "Yeah yeah!"]
"Sorry but I'm be-hind!"
[Owen told them, catching up to them but not gaining the lead.]
"Oh~oh, I'm winning this time!"
[The three sang together, the camera zooming out to show Shawn in the lead, Ella behind him, and Owen in the rear.]
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
[The three sang together again, finishing out the song.]
///
Shawn was still in the lead after the music faded out, and was quickly faced with another volley of burning rocks. He quickly swerved out of the way of one after the other. He quickly looked back, but in his distraction, allowed another burning rock to land on his board just as he shot off the final waterfall.
He smiled confidently, then looked down and noticed the rock burning his board. "That isn't good!" he said, his panic causing him to throw his lei a little early. He splashed down safely into the ocean, but the ring of flowers didn't quite make it all the way to its intended target – it only landed in the tank, and was promptly picked up and swallowed by the shark. The shark laughed playfully, earning a groan from Shawn.
"WOOHOO!" Owen cheered as he fell off his board and landed in the ocean. The camera followed the surfboard as it sailed through the air with the lei on top... and was kicked by the jaguar into the water herself.
"Ooh," Dawn and Josh winced from the host couch.
"Whoops," Owen winced as the camera cut to him.
He was promptly alerted by a scream overhead, and looked up to see Ella finally shooting over the waterfall on her board. She flew straight for her target, and the deer smiled at the human coming its way. The princess managed to splash down right in front of the raft and let the lei loose as she did so, and she managed to hook it on the deer's antlers. Ella resurfaced behind the raft.
"Did I win?" she said, looking around as she caught her breath.
"Ella won it!" Josh said as the scene returned to the hosts and the crowd went wild.
"The others were close though," Dawn added.
"So is Bruno going to be sent to your animal shelter?" Josh asked the moonchild.
"He is, but I'm going to ask Ella to take care of him by singing her songs in case he acts out of control," Dawn winked.
A cough interrupted them. "Sorry," Ella said as she walked up, Shawn and Owen right behind her and all three still dripping wet, "but what did I win?"
Josh smiled. "That was an impressive display, Ella," Josh told her, "but, no one was actually supposed to win."
"What?" the three challenge competitors said at once, the crowd wincing and murmuring their obvious disapproval.
"It was Chris's idea," Dawn explained. "But someone did win, because all of you are excellent!" She looked at the camera, and the crowd cheered. "And thanks to Ella, Ezekiel is going to receive a major advantage to use in the final challenge!" As she spoke, the black male intern brought a wheelbarrow out center stage. "Which is good for our underdog of the season," she added. "A wheelbarrow!" she announced, the camera moving in for a close-up of the tool. "It'll make sense later," she added as and aside.
"Team Mal, congrats," she continued. "You win the minor advantage: a baby stroller!" A white male intern wheeled the carriage out next to the wheelbarrow.
"And since Team Izzy came in last," Josh announced, "Izzy wins nothing but chance of losing the finale!"
Dawn laughed a bit. "That's not going to help her in the final challenge."
"How will Ezekiel's advantage play out?" Dawn asked the camera with a smile. "Will Mal be able to keep up with just a stroller? Will Izzy even be able to keep up with her disadvantage?"
"How in the name of Lono will any of them get here for the finale?" Josh added.
"Find out the answers to those and a lot of other questions next time," Dawn said as the season's blaring title music played, "on Total! Drama! World Tour!"
(Roll the Credits)
\
(Bonus Clip)
The clip opened to the Hawaiian beach. Ella was reclining on a chair in her swimsuit as Ron and Luna accompanied her.
"Now remember, Bruno will join the animal shelter, so do your best to make him feel welcome," Ella advised the hawk and rabbit, who nodded in agreement.
She then saw Sadie walking up to her. "Hello Sadie. The episode is over, so you're free to converse with me," Ella said.
Sadie sat next to Ella while Ron and Luna left in order to give them privacy.
"You were right about Mal being in control over Mike, and I didn't believe you because I didn't think anyone could be truly evil," Sadie began her apology.
"You never took into consideration my words, and that really hurt me as we were friends," Ella responded.
"You were right. I was so mean to you, and you were just trying to help me," Sadie said. "I'm sorry for doing those things."
"I should apologize as well. I was too fierce in trying to get you to believe me, and that made you irritated," Ella apologized as well.
"So can we go back to being best friends before the Mal fiasco?" Sadie begged.
"No. BFFFLS!" Ella spoke jovially before they embraced each other and stayed that way for a while.
The camera cut to the left to show Ron, Luna, and Bruno smiling and wiping tears at Ella and Sadie's reconciliation.
18th: Shawn
17th: Amy
16th: Lindsay
15th: Rodney
14th: Jo
Eliminated: Owen
13th: Duncan
12th: Sky
11th: Heather
10th: Cody
9th: Ella
8th: Noah
7th: Sadie
6th: Owen
5th: Eva
4th: Topher

“Come on it’ll be fun.” Jamie says and runs ahead, his bobbing flashlight the only thing Nova can see in the unlit cave. Nova really dosen’t want to be here but decides to suck it up for Jamie. He has run so far that his flashlight is now out of sight. Suddenly very afraid of the dark space shes in, Nova flicks on her flashlight and runs after Jamie, imagining all the unseen things that could be hidden in the darkness. “Hey,” shouts Nova, “slow down Jamie” She slams into something and for a second thinks her heart is going to rip through her chest. “Hey, watch it.” Jamie– whos flashlight is, for some reason, off –says in an eerie voice “You never know what could be lurking around in here.” “Why the hell would you say that.” Nova’s done trying to please him, she just wants to leave and says so to Jamie. He just laughs and replies, “Don’t be chicken. Whens the next time we’ll be able to do something like this.” “I don’t ever want to do something like this again. I didn’t even want to do this.” “But you told me you were excited for today. Why’d you lie?” He sounds hurt and Nova curses herself for saying anything. However, before she gets the chance to respond Jamie tells her to turn off her flashlight. “No way in hell.” is Nova's responce to this insane idea. “Only for a minute, I want to experience pitch black.” “Why should I?” “Because you owe it to me for only pretending to be excited.” Jamie says. His feelings are obviously hurt and Nova feels bad but not enough to turnoff her flashlight. Plus, she only lied to make him happy. She couldn’t bare to shut down his excitement when he eagerly told her about this long tunnel like cave in the mountains. Frankly, he should be the one apologizing, he knows she has a fear of the dark and nevertheless suggested this five day backpacking trip. They had hiked here in two days, setting up camp when the sun fell. Earlier today, Jamie woke her up and paced impatiently while she got ready for the day. Getting ready consisted of changing in a freezing tent, brushing her teeth and eating a protein bar for breakfast. They then hiked 10 miles to the cave and left their bulky backpacks at the mouth of the cave. When Nova still dosen’t turn off her flashlight Jamie deseraptly says, “Please, Nova” in such a despairing voice that Nova has no choice but to listen. She turns her flashlight off with a click and suddenly they are surrounded by the murky darkness that was pierced by the light before. A few minutes later Nova is actually starting to feel somewhat peaceful when a voice echos down the cave from the way they came, “Nova, where did you go?” the voice is Jamie’s. Ice cold terror runs through Nova because that can’t be Jamie, he’s standing beside her. Right? “You heard that too, right Jamie?” She asks quietly and when he doesn't answer she breaks into a cold sweat. She still hears her naming echoing down the cave and knows it’s not her imagination. “Who’s that, Jamie?” she shakily asks. She knows he’s still there because she can feel his cold breath running down her neck. Yet, he still dosen’t answer her, only breaths heavily from behind. She’s struck with the horrifying idea that maybe the person behind her isn’t actually Jamie. More streaks of fear run through her bones and she knows what she has to do to put her mind at ease. Trembling, she turns around and raises the flashlight towards the Jamie with her. Summoning all her might she flips the on switch. It takes a few seconds to adjust to the sudden brightness, but when her squinting eyes finally do, she wishes she had never turned it on. Standing in front of her is a jet black scaley creature. Its the same size as a human, maybe a little taller, but that’s where the similarities stop. Dark, red eyes with slits for pupils leer into her soul and it’s mouth spreads out in a smile that stretches from one ear to the other, revealing vicious sharp teeth that reflect against the light. “You never know what could be lurking around in here.” the creature snarls in a strident gravelly voice. Nova can’t move. Can’t think. Can’t run. Can’t escape. Her eyes are glued on the creature as it moves even closer towards her, it’s bone crack with every step. Nova finally gains some movement and closes her eyes just as the creature extends it’s creaking neck and opens its huge smiling mouth around Nova’s head before abruptly snapping its jaw closed. --- *Where the hell is she?* Jamie thinks, calling Nova’s name over and over while walking deeper and deeper into the stuffy cave. Earlier he stopped to tie his shoes and the next thing he knew she was running down the cave. He assumes she’s playing a prank on him, as unlikely as that seems, that’s the best explanation Jamie can come up with. Maybe his plan to cure her fear of the dark actually worked. Its a futile thought but what else is he supposed to think when his cautious fiancée goes sprinting down a dark cave he knew she didn’t even want to be in. Yes, he knew she was only pretending to be excited about this trip for him, but he hoped it would be able to break her out of her “I have to be 100% safe” attitude. A more logical idea comes to him– she’s hiding to prove that things can go wrong. Prior to entering the cave he told her they had to stick together in case one of them got hurt. *Oh my god, what if she’s hurt.* He’s increasingly cursing himself for bringing her here. Along with the rising worry comes anger. He knows secretly planning to cure her fears was a mean thing to do but why does she have to choose now to get back at him. A loud snapping sound breaks him out of his thoughts and he shudders as the displaced sound echos off the cave walls toward him. “Okay, Nova, you proved your point.” Jamie shouts angrily “We can go back now. I won’t make you do anything like this again. After this you can stay inside all day, worrying about irrational notions and never doing anything fun!” A slurping sound and thump answer his voice. Okay, this really isn’t like Nova. He at least expected her to yell back and call him an asshole. Unease replaces his anger and Jamie wearily calls out Nova’s name one more time, he hates the way his voice wavers like a scrawny kid trying to stand up to a bully. “Jamie, finally your here.” Her voice is muffled and he can tell she’s eating something even though he strictly told her not to bring food into the cave because it could attract wild animals. Although, he also told her to always stay with him which she violated so I guess he shouldn’t be surprised. Jamie’s heart fills with relief and he hurries toward Novas voice. “You scared me…” his voice trails off when he notice’s a red liquid running along the limestone floor. “Are you hurt? I told you to stay with me…. Hey, Nova, why aren’t you answering.” And exactly like Nova before, Jamie makes the mistake of shining his flashlight on the creature. Any remaining courage abandons his body when his eyes take in the nauseating scene ahead. It’s kneeling over Nova’s lifeless body, its clawed hands are wrapped around her torso, digging into her back. The beasts head is down, ripping through the beautiful skin covering her stomach. The wet slurping sound is repulsing. Jamie feels like he’s going to throw up or faint, probably both. Blood trails out of the many gashes scattered along Nova’s body. The worst part of this scene though, is her head; or lack of it. Where her once beautiful face was is now gone, all gone. He will never again look into her soft hazel eyes. He will never again see her shining smile or hear her heavenly laugh. He will never again caress her soft skin or run his hands through her silky hair. There’s so many never again’s. No, this can’t be true, she can’t be gone, not the love of his life, his soulmate, his everything. Jamie’s legs give out beneath him but he can barely feel his knees split open against the grinding rock floor. The words repeat in his head: *Never again. My everything. Never again. My everything.* They are still looping in his head when the scaly creature finally lifts it’s head. It’s mouth spreads wide, showing off it’s spiky, now bloodstained, teeth. “It’s all your fault,” Nova’s silvery voice flow’s out of the creature’s ugly mouth, “you killed me.” It’s sinful crimson eyes roll bad into it’s head with a squelching sound. What appears is a black glob of something that starts to ooze a tar like substance out of it’s eye sockets. Behind the big blob of inky black something starts to appear. What Jamie sees when the last of the black liquid is gone make’s rage erupt in his head and with a boost of adrenaline, he lunge’s at the scaled creature, screaming. A sharp pain explodes in his chest and he looks down at the clawed hand buried in him. “You never know what could be lurking around in here.” the creature say’s in Nova’s silvery voice and opens it’s huge mouth, showing endless rows of sharp teeth. The last thing Jamie see’s is Nova’s beautiful eyes staring out of the beasts hideous face. ---
*“It has been eight days since 19 year old Nora Patterman and 22 year old Jamie Goldloc left for a backpacking trip somewhere in the rockies and never returned. Family and friends of this couple are asking anyone with information to reach out. Nora was last seen wearing a dark blue raincoat, black cargo pants and brown hiking boots. She is 5’8”, 120 pounds, has dark, long hair and hazel eyes. Jamie was wearing a black raincoat, gray sweatpants and brown hiking boots. He’s 6’1”, muscular with a weight of 180 pounds, has blond, short hair and green eyes. They were each carrying a large blue hiking backpack and drove to the start point of their hike in a black Ford Ranger. If see- * *“Oh, wait. Yes, Jackie? Okay….Okay. Thanks. A new development in this case was just released. Police Officials are saying they found the two lovers backpacks outside a cave. No other information regarding the location of the cave has been released at this time, but Officer John Cloose, of the RCMP, says they will be going into the cave. It is said they heard the voices of both Nora and Jamie asking for help deep within.”*

Coming face to face with people in suits always makes me hyper-aware of how badly I dress. Since I knew I was going to meet up with Mary Markov today, I intentionally put some more effort into my appearance. I picked out a pressed shirt to wear over my leggings. Since it was far too big for me, I threw my wide yellow belt into the mix. Thus satisfied, I called up Elijah Carter and asked whether he wanted to come along. He agreed readily enough so I had him pick me up and drive us over to Mary's office. It was nowhere near the hospital and not in the vicinity of her news channel headquarters either. It was located in a slate gray concrete building that was quite confusing to look at.
No outside observer could have mistaken it for a residential house, for there was hardly a less homely or comfortable place imaginable. It was utterly repellent in its rough, dreary nature. It couldn't have belonged to some kind of business either, though. There were no marked parking spaces for employees, no signs or advertisements. Altogether, it reminded me of something out of a cheap or unfinished video game.
"Sketchy," Eli remarked, eyeing the slab of concrete with a similar lack of enthusiasm. "Looks almost abandoned. How weirdly fitting for a semi-secret government operation."
I nodded. The warm air had taken me by surprise and I found the weight of my jacket suffocating, so I took it off to leave in the car. "What is it?" I asked, noticing the way Elijah squinted at my outfit.
"What are you wearing?"
"Clothes."
"You don't say." He snorted. "Looking kinda funny there, Shirley."
"I look professional," I corrected him.
"I suppose." He grinned to himself. "Depends on the profession, though."
We rang the bell and a highly official-looking security guard let us in through the heavy double doors after confirming that Mary Markov was expecting us. He gave the necessary directions, sending us down several flights of stairs. The better part of the building was in fact underground, like with an iceberg. Eli made a remark about how it'd be safer if outsiders weren’t allowed to roam the place by themselves. It seems to be a habit of his to vaguely analyze and point out flaws in the structures of government institutions. Then again, maybe it's just flaws in general he's fascinated with.
Upon arriving outside Mary's office, we were called inside to find her sitting behind her desk. She lifted her head, giving us a polite, if cold, smile. "Good morning. You're on time. Wonderful."
"Would you please give me an honest appraisal of my outfit?" I asked.
The newsreader frowned in confusion, her eyes briefly roaming my form. "You put effort into your appearance today," she concluded. "It's appreciated."
"Wait, what do you mean today?" I inquired.
"Note also how she did not actually answer your question," Elijah added.
I huffed, flinging myself into one of the chairs in front of Mary's desk. Eli sat down beside me, folding his hands in his lap and leaning back. "Thanks for letting me come with Shirley," he told her.
"Naturally. I assume you're her emotional support human." Mary Markov's lips curled slightly. "At any rate, you had contact with the Collective yourself, so this does concern you. As far as I'm concerned, it can't hurt having an ex-cop in the mix, anyways. Despite the regrettable reasons you had for leaving the force."
Elijah's brows lowered, the muscle in his pronounced jaw twitching. "How do you know about that?"
Mary looked innocent. "It's very important that I'm fully informed, of course. Don't worry. We don't need to go into it, and I don't judge you, either. The effect the incident at that highschool had on you is completely understandable."
"I didn't ask for your assessment." My friend's voice had sharpened. "Can we move on from this?"
"Of course." If the sudden shift in tone had rattled the agent, she wasn't letting it on. Sifting through the neat stack of papers on her desk, she pulled out a thin brown file which she slid over to me. "Miss Shirley, you remember the female member of the Collective we took into custody? She has already been questioned by the local police. Unfortunately, I don't have the authority to lead such an interrogation, but I was present for it and I want you to have this transcript."
I perked up and began leafing through the folder.
"You may take that with you to read in peace," Mary told me. "But don't expect too much, lest you'll be sorely disappointed. The girl hardly said anything at all. The most helpful information she gave us was a name she kept referencing. Jewel. At first, we thought it was a sort of code word, but it seems to be what the other person she was with calls themself."
“Jewel,” I echoed.
“Sadly enough, that’s all we have. We’ve never provided our services to anyone of their physical description. There are a couple clues, but they don’t amount to anything helpful. There’s the fact that you met them at a convenience store with relatively high prices. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws, but that could indicate a cushy financial situation. On top of that, the store is rather far away from here, so they might be an out-of-towner. They also might be able to influence the way others perceive them, considering the way they seemed to hypnotize you in the woods merely by holding eye contact.”
“How come they couldn’t do anything to Frank Preston?”
Mary Markov twinkled at me. “They couldn’t? Huh. That rather intrigues the philosopher in me. Jewel works through eye contact and it is said that the eyes are the window to the soul.” She cocked her head at me.
“Are you saying Blondie doesn’t have a soul?” Eli asked, raising a skeptical brow. “Is this one of those Plato-Schopenhauer-whatevers?”
The newsreader shrugged artfully, watching my reaction. “We could discuss this for hours on end. I only meant to draw attention to the implied distinction between an organically born entity and a being who was originally an inanimate object.”
“I beg your pardon?” I said slowly.
“Oh, nevermind; that’s neither here nor there.” Her tone told me that she did, in fact, consider it to be both here and there. Not wanting to go further into this with her, I made a mental note to ask Frankie later.
“There’s more,” I added, trying to gently prepare her for what I was about to say. “I want to get Kit Sutton back.”
Mary’s lips thinned. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t mean for the town to get flooded in the process. I think we can find a solution to help her, if we work together. I’m convinced we can figure something out, but I don’t believe in abandoning her anymore. Which is essentially what we’re doing if we leave her to her fate.”
“You do realize what you’re asking of me? Your former roommate isn’t some kind of minor water spirit. Her father appears to hold tremendous power over the seas, or at the very least our part of it. He has countless similarly dangerous individuals at his service so he might be considered a ruler of sorts, if not a deity.”
“So Kit’s the little mermaid, basically?” Elijah asked, equal parts joking and genuinely intrigued.
Mary grinned an actual, amused grin. “I must ask you to take this seriously, Mr Carter.”
“I am!” he chuckled, raising his hands. “I swear.”
“Anyways, Miss Shirley, the point you make is an individualistic one, but I see why you’re invested in the girl’s fate. I want to help, I do… But we need to proceed with caution. If you can suggest to me some kind of sensible approach, then I’ll do what I can. That’s all the promises I can make at the moment.”
I thanked her and got up, Eli following me as I headed for the door. “Miss Shirley,” Mary called out and I stopped, turning back around to face her. “If you like my style, we could perhaps meet up to go shopping sometime? I could show you some quality stores. It wouldn’t be anytime soon since I’m currently swamped, but I figure—well, just in case you might like to.”
I nodded. “That sounds pleasant enough.”
She smiled brightly and waved us out the door. “Excellent. I’ll be in touch.”
Back inside the car, I tossed the file onto the backseat to read later. “Would you like to go to the beach?” I suggested.
“Why not. Wait, is this for a stroll and ice cream or do you want to kickstart the mermaid-rescue-operation?”
“I can’t see why it shouldn’t be both,” I replied comfortably. “We’ll need to take your flashlight, though.”
"You know I don't like getting myself into trouble unless it's paid."
"Yes, but you also find me endearing and want to protect me from danger, which you can only do by accompanying me."
"You're a terrifying tentacle beast from another dimension. I don't know that I'm all that scared for your safety," he grunted.
I gave him an affronted look. "You have now hurt my feelings."
"Have I?"
"Plenty, but I'll forgive you if you come with me."
Elijah Carter sighed deeply but started driving anyway. I let my arm dangle out of the open window, allowing the warming spring air to wash over my skin. The closer we got to the shore, the stronger the scent of salt mixed into the breeze. The cries of seagulls became audible over the sounds of the road and the streaming wind and was finally joined by the crashing of waves when we pulled into a parking spot and got out of the car. Taking along the heavy duty flashlight he always kept in the passenger seat footwell, I led Eli to the mouth of the cave, explaining what Nettie and I had seen along the way. He looked commendably calm, simply turning on the torch and entering alongside me.
The tunnels were just as damp, dim and quiet as the last time. Before long, we had reached the spacious canyon room with the lake at the bottom. "I want to go across and see if there's anything important in the rest of the grotto back there," I reminded him. "Please hold on to your bearings."
"I'm not repeating your mistakes," he replied gamely. "What do you think? This oughta be connected to the ocean somehow." He let the beam of the torch roam the mirror-like surface of the lake. It seemed almost deceptively quiet. My eyes followed the lengthy stone ledge. Eli stepped close, and after receiving a nod of approval, he grabbed me around the waist and hoisted me onto the rocky protrusion. I straightened up, instantly pressing my back against the wall. A wave of nausea hit me as I glanced at the water below. "Chill," Elijah muttered, climbing after me with ease. "Nothing will happen. You're not gonna fall."
I merely shook my head. "You didn't see what's down there."
"And I won't, because we'll be careful," he answered steadfastly.
I started walking, the warm light of the torch upon my back, illuminating the path ahead. The shelf narrowed as we reached the end. I swiftly clambered down, relieved to place my feet on wider, solid ground once more. Now looking over the lake from the other side, it had an entirely different feel to it. It seemed darker somehow, but also less big—I attributed it to the change in perspective. We were standing in a cramped little nook with two passageways leading off into separate directions behind us. Elijah Carter eyed them pensively. “Which do you reckon?”
I pursed my lips. “The right one. Because it’s right.”
“Makes sense.”
We proceeded into the passage, the tight space pushing us closer together. He had to duck his head, uncomfortably hunching his shoulders, and for once, I was grateful for my own short stature. The corridor seemed to go on forever. The darkness and silence created a feel of unnatural solitude, and for more than once, I got the distinct impression that I must have jumped dimensions again. It was as though Elijah and I were enclosed in some kind of bubble, cut off from everything outside; a place where time was a foreign concept and the only sun was our flashlight. Needless to say, I was distinctly uneasy. I allowed myself to lean back, brushing against Eli’s chest whenever I could. Eventually, I cleared my throat.
“Could you touch me?”
“What?”
“Just so I still know you’re there.”
His palm came to rest on my shoulder, his thumb digging into one of the tense, painfully rigid muscles of my upper back, forcing it to soften. “Good?”
“Yes, thank you.”
He hummed. “You’re scared.”
“Yes.”
“Me, too.”
This caused my resolve to falter. “Maybe we should turn around after all,” I said quietly. “Who knows how much longer—”
“Look.”
I perked up. Before us, the tunnel grew wider, opening into a large, spacious room. We picked up our pace, tackling the remaining distance in a light jog, and finally found ourselves standing in another hall. The beam of light traveled the floor and high walls, revealing a sight that took our breath away. We were standing in front of another lake, only slightly smaller than the last. The water glittered in violet hues and strange, pale plants climbed up the walls, some of them looking rather like starfish. Multiple rocky protrusions formed an almost complete bridge across its middle. With a bit of light climbing, we'd undoubtedly be able to get to the other side. Wordlessly, Elijah Carter swung himself up onto the platform closest to the edge of the water, pulling me up after him. The flashlight switched hands a couple times as we maneuvered ourselves along.
Soon, we reached the middle of the lake. I risked a glance at the water below. All was still and perfectly quiet. Eli was about to take on the next rock when suddenly, I felt something heavy and gooey drip onto my head from above. I flinched, then slowly pointed the torch up to the ceiling. My stomach dropped. My throat had turned paper-dry, and I frantically tugged on Eli’s arm. He tipped his head back, following my pointing finger. His eyes blew wide and his face fell.
There was a creature clinging to the high walls, its pale, enormous body describing a streamline curve as it pressed itself against the hollowed stone. The closest thing I can compare it to would be a sort of olm, except probably a hundred times larger. Its snout looked large enough to swallow either of us whole. It hung open, secreting a thick fluid that slowly dripped down to hit the rocks or create ripples upon the water. Its blind eyes seemed to be trained on us, and I could spot tiny, sharp teeth lining its maw. It wasn’t moving, not even an inch, but somehow, I knew it was aware of us.
I looked up at Elijah, the panic in his eyes mirroring mine. Both of us had freezed up mid-motion, not daring to take another step. My mind was running wild; I was thinking feverishly. We’d have to turn around for sure, but how? The olm was already highly alert, if we were to start scrambling back to solid ground, it would undoubtedly hear us straight away. Eli looked equal parts terrified and furious, and I could tell he was scolding himself for not thinking to check the entirety of the room before proceeding across the lake. I could understand the sentiment, we’d definitely made a grave mistake. I figured it had been the misleading beauty of the cave hall that had taken our edge off. Glancing over into the direction we’d come from, I found myself wishing to be back in the endless dark corridor. The entrance to the passage seemed miles away.
The olm lifted a three-toed foot, shifting its massive form to a lower spot on the wall. It was taking a tentative step towards us, extending its snout as its body bent into our direction. Elijah had grabbed onto my arm, his fingers clamping around it like a vice. He stayed silent and unmoving, but he held my gaze with clear, sharp eyes.
“Don’t move,” I mouthed, and he gave me a curt nod.
Slowly, I reached around to push my shirt out of the way of my unfurling tentacles. Elijah took a quiet step back to make room for my changing form, something of a resolute expression settling on his face. I opened my mouth, relieved when my teeth acted according to my will and elongated. I didn’t know to what extent I would be able to defend against this absolute giant of an amphibian, but at least it would give us a chance. I took a deep breath, trading glances with Eli once more before darting off to the side, bounding onto the platform next to our current one. Elijah followed suit, grabbing onto one of the limbs I extended to him for support. Despite the swiftness of our movements, we were anything but quiet, and the olm reacted in an instant. It slithered down from the wall, sinking into the lake below to make its way to the rocks we were standing on. As we headed for the next stone, it darted out of the water, splashing wildly as its snout breached the surface. Its jaws snapped at us, missing me by a mere foot as I jumped across the gap between the protrusions. Droplets flew as the creature dropped once more, but instead of retreating, it swam around the platform. Its massive, snake-like body was bobbing up and down as it circled us.
“Oh fuck,” Elijah breathed, his chest heaving. “Keep going! Move, move!”
I took a short running start, then flung myself onto the next rock, using my extra limbs to land safely. I then helped him cross again. The olm rose from the depths of the lake once again, and I lashed at it with one of my tentacles, hitting it on the snout and forcing it to dive underwater again. We kept working our way back towards the other side of the lake, slipping and sliding as we went. The water surrounding us seemed to hum with unrestrained energy, the white salamander’s tail whipping up waves and splashing around. We were finally getting close to solid ground again, or at least it looked like we were for a moment. That’s when the creature took a massive leap, draping itself over the final stepping stone, effectively blocking our path.
“Shit,” Eli hissed beside me as we came to a skittering halt.
I’d have to try and fight this thing. There was no way around it now. I clenched my sweat-laced palms into fist, trying to slow my rapid, shallow breaths. I can do this, I said to myself. All I’d have to do is send it back into the lake for long enough so we could run back into the tunnel. There was no way the olm would fit through the passage—once we were in there, we’d be relatively safe. I stared at the dripping, writhing animal; stared at its bared needle teeth, and the less hopeful, more realistic part of my brain told me that I would, indeed, probably not be able to do this. Just as I was contemplating the degree of our screwed-ness, an unseen someone called out from behind us. I didn’t understand a word they were saying, but I recognized the language, and more importantly, the voice.
It was bright as a bell, girlish but with a rough, warm edge. Even before I could turn to face her, I knew who it was.
The gigantic amphibian perked up at the sound, lowering its head and withdrawing into the murky depths with a splash. Elijah Carter let go of a long-held breath, dropping his shoulders before tensing up again, realization setting in. He shot me a look of utter disbelief.
“Wow,” the newcomer spoke up again, this time not in the tongue of the deep ones. “You two have to be actually crazy or something to show up here.”
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves
19: shopping cart

The little cluster of rocks wasn't much, but the cabling and paneling and sundries that had lashed them all together marked them as being a part of the asteroid belt known as the Reef. It was a nest of scum, the sorts that had been banned or kicked out of the Tangled Shore, that even The Spider didn't want to associate with. Because it was where the worst sorts filtered down to, the locals called the area "The Trench." Awoken enforcers never went near it, unless they had numbers and firepower at their backs.
In recent months, the Trench had become more crowded. Ships of all stripes had parked around it-- Eliksni ketches and Cabal cruisers, Awoken galliots and Arcadian shuttles. The makes meant little, as they were frequently stolen. The livery and banners they flew all varied, but there were two specific ones worth noting. One was blue and bore a sigil of a broken sword stabbed into a stylized crown, the other black and portrayed a stylized Eliksni skull with an upper jaw full of jagged teeth. The banners of House Salvation and the pirate lord Gresdin Sawtooth.
A skiff dropped out of a short-range jump and docked itself between a sloop and a cobbled-together transport, both of which had their old livery scored and scratched away. As the skiff's captain disembarked, he could see that crews were already at work painting Sawtooth's standard onto them. A vandal stepped out in front of him, crashing into him, but the vandal took one look and thought better of finishing their scowl, instead scuttling away to another ship.
Similar reactions followed, even from a few of the Legionless Cabal that plodded the walkways of the Trench. But soon enough, the skiff captain approached the Trench's topmost suite of cabins. Two Eliksni guards glared at him, but he stared them down in kind, until one turned and barked into the cabin, "Tell them the Technomancer's back."
But the Technomancer-- a Fallen reaver named Bansiks-- raised his bulky mechanical arm and shoved the two House Salvation Elites out of his way as he barged into the cabin. His synthesized voice rasped as he approached the high table. "Lord Gresdin," he called.
Several other figures were clustered around the table, turning toward him as he approached. One was just Kalsek, one of Gresdin's lieutenants, bristling with indignation-- but not just from Bansiks's interruption, the Technomancer could tell. Kalsek was more angry about the two interlopers at the table. Both were Eliksni, and one towered over all present at the table, wearing scarred armor and clutched in his lower hands was a heavily modified forge hammer, the head of which glowed with Scorch energy. He stood behind an older Eliksni seated at the table, but Bansiks could see the lightly-armored elder's own scarred body beneath the faded, priestly robes he wore. Both wore the blue banner of House Salvation.
He knew them both by reputation. The giant was, despite his size, the lesser of the two, a retainer to the elder. One of the many outcasts of the scattered House of Scars, he had become a reaver in his way, taking part in pirate raids and eventually seeking more glory for himself in the Last Attempt at conquering the human City. He had been captured along with many others and languished in the Prison of Elders, but had escaped along with so many others when the Prison had fallen, and eventually came to House Salvation, eager to smash the wretches that had defeated his people and imprisoned him. But in the end, Brekkis the Breaker was simply a brute to his core.
On the other hand, the elder, Morsik, was a former archon of a lesser House that had long ago fractured and fallen apart, one who had suffered much abuse in the time since, but largely at the hands of Lightbearers and the Reef folk. Drawn to Eramis by the promise of a reborn Riis, he had become a very effective recruiter for his new House, speaking in an almost hypnotic fashion as he whipped up the furor and fervor for revenge against the Lights for the pain they'd all experienced. It worked so well, it was little wonder why they called him the Demagogue.
Seated at the midle of the table, opposite the entry to the chamber, was a broad-shouldered, barrel-chested Eliksni. A bandolier strapped across his chest had several Shock pistols at hand, and though they were blocked by the table, Bansiks knew there was an array of swords and knives and similar bladed weaponry around his waist. His Ether-mask had a twice-bifurcated crest, two flanges of which twisted forward and down, almost like tusks, while the other two were bent into horns. The front of his mask had its grill wrought to resemble a mouthful of jagged fangs. He wore his own black standard, with one upper hand resting on the grip of his namesake sword, a zweihander with a jagged edge. Gresdin Sawtooth, pirate lord of the Trench, looked up at him.
"Bansiks," Gresdin acknowledged. But then he turned back to the House Salvation envoys. "For all she demands of me and mine, Eramis could not come herself, and sends you instead?"
"Eramiskel," Brekkis growled.
But the pirate lord slapped his palm on the table. "Not my Kell," he snarled back. "She disrespects me like this, she does not get that wisp of respect from me in turn."
The brute glowered down at him. "No one--"
"No one sends a thug like you unless they're trying to send a message," Gresdin interrupted. He turned his gaze instead to Morsik, dismissing the retainer immediately. "The Shipstealer expects much from me, and all the other crews that berth in my Trench." A rasping snarl rattled in his throat. "Running down and looking for old relics, but what does she offer in return? A vague threat that we will be allowed to live?"
"Eramiskel has been given purpose." Morsik's voice was soft, quiet, the kind that forced the listener to strain to hear, and to thus better absorb his words. "To revisit the pain our people have suffered upon those who inflicted it."
"Lightbearers," Brekkis snarled.
"You know better than others, Lord Gresdin," the Demagogue continued, "that our people are plagued by weakness. Those with the means to lift us up simply won't make the decisions necessary to shape a place for us to live. No one, apart from Eramiskel."
"She wants trinkets that grant their bearers power," Bansiks rumbled, and raised a relic in his hand, setting it on the table in front of the pirate lord. "Iriks is dead," he told him. Brekkis made a move to reach for the lantern-like relic, but the Technomancer's bulky synthetic arm twitched up and extruded a blade that touched the brute's throat. "That's not for you."
Morsik's expression did not change, but there was the impression of a frown. "Eramiskel has asked for the relics."
"This is not the new Riis that Eramis ruled," Gresdin picked up the relic and passed it to Kalsek. "You are in the Trench, and this is my domain. Not even the Lightbearers dare come here. What makes you think you can make demands of me?"
The Demagogue placed two hands on the table as he ponderously rose, his scarred, aged body trembling some as he did so. Brekkis moved to assist him, but Morsik waved him off. The elder Eliksni stood with an almost regal air, and then slapped a hand down on the table. Cobalt blue ice crystals rippled outward from where he struck, spreading across the table, and then the floor, flash-freezing Kalsek in place, relic included. As the pirate lord bellowed in fury, Brekkis slapped aside Bansiks's blade and grabbed him by the throat.
"You think you have power," Morsik murmurred, as he lifted his hand, letting the pirate see the Splinter embedded in the gauntlet he wore. "But you do not. And there is a power beyond even this, which eclipses even the Light."
To the former archon's surprise, however, Gresdin began laughing. "Your House kneels to the Black Gale. But the Gale is not here--"
At which point, red SIVA clouds snaked out of Bansiks's gauntlet, winding around Brekkis and pinning him to the floor with hardened cables of metal. As this happened, the Technomancer raised his synthetic arm and the blade unfolded as the barrel of a cannon emerged from it. Morsik stared this down, raising his hands carefully. The Stasis crystals receded, Kalsek staggering as he was freed, and Gresdin arose from his chair, hefting his namesake sword to one shoulder with a speed that belied its weight.
"--and Gresdin Sawtooth bows to no one."
Morsik inclined his head thoughtfully. "How would you like to strike down the Reef folk?"
The Lord of the Trench paused, lowering his sword briefly, though not fully. "Explain."
"The man-folk and their Lightbearers have plagued our people since the moment we first reached this star. But only one of their Houses has ever enslaved Eliksni." The Demagogue spread his hands. "The House of Sov." Gresdin stared him down, but then glanced at Bansiks, gesturing subtly with a spare hand. The Technomancer lowered his cannon, but left Brekkis pinned under SIVA tendrils. With a nod, Morsik continued, "The apologists will say the broken Weavers swore oaths, but oaths made under duress are not binding, as they proved later when they rebelled."
"A rebellion that got them all killed," Kalsek pointed out.
"Because the man-folk will never let Eliksni live unless they kneel to their Lightbearers and to the Traitor Machine," Morsik spat. "If we start to rise back up, they send their ghouls to slaughter us."
Gresdin grunted again. "No one dares attack the Trench. Even the Lightbearers stay away." But he looked over as Bansiks shook his head.
"The Lightbearers have pirate hunters now," he reported. "Not only have they taken out several of the ketchkilers, they are hunting relics like that," he indicated the lantern in Kalsek's hands.
Gresdin chewed on that thought for a moment before Morsik folded his lower hands over his belly, the other set behind his back. "The relics have power. The old crews knew this." He eyed the pirate lord. "You broke from your House because your Kell was weak. House Blades was renowned for its prowess in battle, but Yovariskel had been too cautious to join the Last Attempt, and Koussakskel is too cowardly to seek the glory you crave. You earned your place as Lord of the Trench as befits your old House's ways.
"You have supporters in House Blades," Morsik continued. "They grumble and whisper and want their glories, but Koussakskel holds them back. A bold move on your part-- scouring the Reef of House Sov-- would galvanize them. They would flock to your banner. And Eramiskel would honor your deeds, and offer you pride of place as High Baron in her House, as admiral of Salvation's ketch fleet."
The pirate lord mulled this over, while Kalsek argued, "Why should Lord Gresdin lower himself to serve a kell who failed her House? The Lights defeated her, her House was scattered." But the expression on Gresdin's face told that he'd already taken the bait, and now the Demagogue just needed to reel him in.
"Perhaps her House had been weak," Morsik suggested. "And with you at her side to assure the strength of her followers..."
Bansiks looked at Gresdin, who regarded the elder with a long stare. Then, with a ponderous move, he planted the end of his jagged zweihander on the floor, and nodded to the cyborg Eliksni. The Technomancer stepped back from Brekkis as the cabling binding him down dissolved back into clouds of nanites, which withdrew into the tanks on his back.
"Then let us speak," Gresdin Sawtooth smiled, "of what your Kell will do for me."

Hello! I am in a bit of a bind until tomorrow afternoon when I get paid! I just need a little bit for some food and to put $20 in my electricity just so it won't shut off in the morning before I can pay it tomorrow afternoon. Thank you :)

Sup guys. I'm presenting business ideas for feedback. Sorry in advance because this post is long, so I've labeled the important parts if you want to skip the extras!
To preface: I am going to be attending a business seminar on Friday. In this seminar, we are to go over ideas for startups. Those with the best ideas will have an opportunity to have support from the city we live in. In addition, the seminar attempts to encourage job growth in our area because the demographics need to look better. I am confident in sharing ideas because it usually comes down to execution, and good ideas are a dime a dozen. Still, I wanted input exploring the implications of three business ideas to establish a clear direction on which idea I will actively pursue. 1st idea- MODERN What it is: Modern is a home remodeling and design service where you remodel your home the way you want before you ever do anything. Imagine you have a day off, work from home, and want to reimagine your home. First, you take a few pictures of your home and then select some popular design templates that we have on tap. Next, you'll be able to come to our website. We then formulate that design in your existing space and provide you with the right furniture or lighting supplier. For extra service, we could have a beautiful location in major metropolitan areas with a few designs in person so you can see and feel. You can work with an actual person, and then we would take care of all of that extra work on the back end by setting up all of the renovations in the order it needs to be done. After we develop a design that works for your home and your budget, we connect you to the contractors that can supply that work. We order the necessary supplies and bundle the project in a single financed option or payment to simplify it. We make money from contractors who give us a cut; you get your first design for free. We then collect your data and sell it to our overlords (kidding). Why: Home Renovation and Remodeling is estimated to be a 500 billion to 700 billion dollar industry in the United States. If one were to guess the most prominent industry players on the consumer side of the market, Home Depot and Lowe's would have a strong presence with relatively no viable competitors. These companies remain strong but cater to a dwindling demographic. The problem is that I'm less handy than my father and the generations before him. So when I walk into Home Depot, I'm quickly overwhelmed. Our current home improvement sector no longer suits the most significant needs of my generation and the generations that will come after me. I need to learn about 50 rows of products and materials before I touch them, and no one has the time to know everything necessary to renovate their home. Initial Motivation: I recently moved into an old fixer-upper home. I have all these grand ideas for improving it, but I need to figure out where to begin. I need help figuring out where to start, what design I like, or having the time to figure out every minor detail because I'm swamped these days. Home Depot will not cut it; I have different needs and want things to look manageable. If there were a service where I could design how I want my home to be and use it as a conduit to give me my desired result, it would save so much time. It would also be designed with the big picture in mind. Then, I could create my dream space. In addition, I would get better pricing because I'm bundling, and the marketplace would enforce a new style of contractor competition. 2nd idea: Flow Genie What it is: Flow Genie creates Cash flow templates for specific business sectors and order flow templates for different types of service businesses. Think AC/Plumbing companies to flooring and home goods providers. It's software that compartmentalizes revenue and delegates it evenly so that you can make sure your business is managed correctly. You input your company data and goals, which Flow Genie will then take and segregate your funds appropriately. We do this for existing businesses by analyzing your data and separating funds from the beginning instead of randomly having massive outflows and inflows. For example, you own an AC or Plumbing company every time you receive a payment. In that case, part of the payment goes to the cost of goods sub-account, another portion to the payroll account, and another to miscellaneous or tax sub-accounts-no more need to have one pool of funds with no apparent direction. For new businesses, we could establish a proper pricing structure that suits your needs and is in control before it ever has the opportunity to get out of hand. This type of turn-key business management hasn't existed for millennia. So much knowledge about managing cash flows is lost in the ether. Flow Genie will also establish how much to order and when to prevent you from being overweight on the production side vs. the customer-facing side. It creates a nice flow that can bring much-needed stability in otherwise chaotic environments. Why: The most significant part of my job as an entrepreneur is spent thinking about cash flows and payments. Unfortunately, it is also the most overwhelming and treacherous part. The time spent thinking about cash flow and material/labor costs can act as a prison preventing growth due to fear and uncertainty. When moving around millions of dollars, the mistakes become more and more costly and can even compound over time. It's taken five years to grasp the little I know now. But, first, hundreds of thousands of dollars were lost because of my mistakes with cash flow and thinking I had more or less working capital than I did. Suppose people had a resource just a layer just above the Quickbooks Onlines' of the world. In that case, they might feel more confident running and growing their business. They could focus on providing better service rather than stress about finances. Initial Motivation: My business ran into an issue where I had 200 units ready in a warehouse and 100k due. The problem was that my accounts only had 80-100k at the time. The money would replenish after servicing those units for customers, but I had a big situation. On the one hand, I could pay most of this balance to get the new units in. But, still, I need the warehouse space, the extra cash reserves when that cash is gone, and installers to install those units quickly enough, and I have none of those at this time. So essentially, I'd put myself in a position that could go bad soon if I didn't navigate it correctly. Enter in the little spot between a rock and a hard place. The damned if you do and damned if you don't because now the supplier suspends any new orders until that backlog is resolved and my account is suspended. On the other hand, if I had proper procedures and processes in place to ensure that a bottleneck of that nature wouldn't occur in the first place, I wouldn't have this problem. These are things that Flow Genie would see before I do because I enter my input capacity, space capacity, and average gross margin percentages to create a proper balance and flow. 3rd idea: MRW What it is: A window and door replacement company that provides lower prices and an easy self-quoting tool so people can estimate their projects. Consider incorporating solar glass that can also power parts of your home. Why: Windows and doors are costly. Some companies charge upwards of $3-$5k per unit. When people have homes with 25 windows, they shouldn't have to take out a second mortgage to replace them. During the home building boom of previous decades, the builders' materials were cheap and, unfortunately, not built to last. The incentive was to make it fast and affordable. So where did these builders sacrifice the most quality? Things like windows and doors and siding. The parts of a home that are not superstructural or over-regulated. If the big box retailer is selling 25 windows to a homeowner, it can cost upwards of $70-$100k We can do it for $30k or less with the same glass. As far as solar glass goes, this technology is still being developed, but here's some food for thought. . Hypothetically, we could power the world's current electricity consumption by covering just 3.27% of the US with solar power plants. However, the issue is a gaping security risk because everyone would need to drop a bomb on that area, and the world would be in a pickle. However, if our windows were solar panels, they could cover a portion of our energy consumption while also being decentralized and ubiquitous. One would have to destroy all homes to sabotage only part of our power supply. In Arizona, for instance, The power generated from solar windows could directly power AC units, almost 25% of all energy usage in Arizona homes. They could also mine Bitcoin, but that's a whole other story. Initial Motivation: I had no idea people replaced their windows when I fell into this industry. I worked for a company for a few years and thought I could do it better, so I did. I want to provide a reputable service at a fair price, so I did. Oddly enough, this is the business model I'm using right now. It works because it's a simple service that people need without too much competition. To conclude: I know that was long. If you read all of that, thanks; you're a trooper. Feel free to let me know which one you're drawn to or any obvious rebuttals to the validity of those ideas. I have yet to think through these rough ideas, so there will be critical difficulties to overcome. Thanks!

Continued from Pt. 1, which can be found at:
Pt 1: https://www.reddit.com/Horror_stories/comments/13wymkl/ghost_word_pt_1/
WARNING: This story contains depictions of non-consensual sex and gun violence.
---------------------------------
Lyle found himself on foot, the valise at his side, the night air crisp and noisy. He realized he was ravenous. No surprise there, he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in twenty-six hours. The late evening traffic was brisk around the campus, and as he passed a roving pack of students Lyle realized it was Thursday night*. Thirsty Thursdays*.
In keeping with ancient tradition, the majority of undergraduates avoided Friday morning classes at all costs, preferring to begin their weekend revels on Thursday nights. Lyle followed his feet. He imagined power emanating from the briefcase at his side, thrumming up his arm. He felt, for perhaps the first time in a life of shrinking uncertainty, boundless.
And it felt extraordinary.
Somewhere inside of him a notion was forming that he did not dare articulate. But he followed his feet. The easy ebb and flow of walk signals, the pleasantly cool night air, the passing chatter, even the occasional car-horn—which in the past had never failed to startle him, jittery as he was—seemed buoyant and agreeable. The night was his. He realized he was sloping gently downhill, as he followed his feet. He realized he knew exactly where he was going. He found himself before O’Flaherty’s Pub, with its sandwich-board blaring LADIES NIGHT 1/2 WELL DRINKS -- TRUST ME YOU CAN DANCE in electric pink loops. It felt only natural to step beneath the awning, swing wide the knotted mahogany door, and enter the din.
The ham-hock manning security—probably a redshirt lineman in his off-season—turned toward Lyle on autopilot, one hand reaching out as a question formed on his lips, lemme see some ID. Lyle made no attempt to reach for his wallet because he knew the inevitable would happen when the bouncer took in his face, which he did a half second later. A tiny beat of recognition flickered and was gone, and the bouncer turned away. No need to card the old dude. Good luck navigating the vicissitudes of adult life, you Mongoloid, Lyle thought. The jag off had a Black & Mild tucked up behind one ear, Lyle felt an insane urge to snatch it off his head and break it in half. He did not do well with the pretend authority of chunky, dead-eyed adolescents.
But I’m not here for him.
Lyle wove his way into the evening crush with the delicate, shuffling little steps he always used in crowds. By fits and starts he made his way deeper, deeper, winding toward the back bar, the one with the full-length mirror. That was her favorite. O’Flaherty’s had a Crosley jukebox, wood-paneled and coin-operated, reaching for vintage but stuffed to the gills with Bluetooth and wi-fi and digital memory and whatever else. A woman’s voice was booming out of it, an empty pop ballad gussied up by her big, operatic sound. Lyle tried to think of the singer’s name, but couldn’t. He squeezed into a narrow gap at the back bar.
Darby was flirting as she mixed a rum-and-coke for a gawky, dough-faced kid in a flat-cap and a Harrington jacket. On the few occasions he had come out on Darby missions, Lyle had stayed well back from the bar, waiting for drink service at one of the small cafe tables lining the billiard room. But tonight, he wasn’t here to watch.
Darby handed off the drink and caught sight of Lyle. He winced—he could read the surprise, even discomfort, on her face. But she was tending bar, and she was quick on her feet, and she rearranged her expression into a smile. She held up a finger—*one sec—*to which Lyle nodded, as she took flat-cap’s (father’s) Amex back to the register and opened up a tab.
Lyle enjoyed watching her walk. Enjoyed looking at her from the back, or in profile. He usually saw her face, in class, big brown doe eyes and very pale, freckled skin. A shade away from clear, he had heard her joke once, to James, as she had invited him to touch the roadmap of blue veins on her inner arm. That had enraged Lyle—the sudden, unwelcome image of James with those long creamy legs locked over his waist, his long, slow thrusts.
Because he restrained himself from ogling her in class, it was a pleasure to come to O’Flaherty’s during her shifts and watch her as she worked. Darby was not the first of what Lyle thought of as his “favorites”. Every year or two there was a fresh, irresistible young thing, for him to think about, alone, late at night. One of the unspoken perks of professordom was the constant influx of eye-candy, of short skirts and long legs and high asses and pert young tits. In his mind’s eye it was an endless profusion of imagined aureoles, of wondering about their panties—boy-briefs or frilly little whatsits or g-strings or none at all—and even if Lyle never slept with them there was an intense eroticism in holding power over these girls he could never have bedded in his own college years. In pushing that term paper over the failing line and waiting, deliciously waiting, for them to come to his office hour and plead. Only Darby’s work was reasonably competent, so even that grimy thrill was denied him.
Darby finished up with the register and came over, the pale of her neck stark against her tight black t-shirt. O’FLAHERTY’S was printed on it in green, the name stretched to accommodate her bust. Her hair frazzled at the temples; she’d been working hard.
Just a little dirty, that’s how I like you, he thought.
“Dr. L! We missed you today, thought maybe you caught the gunk. You all right?” Darby beamed her big smile at him, a gift of the gods (and of immaculate orthodontics).
“I’m fine, Darby, thanks. Just a communication mix-up. I’m sorry you all waited.”
She kept smiling, seemed to be waiting for more. He didn’t give it to her.
“Well—can I get you anything?”
Lyle hesitated, trying to think of a manly drink, something urbane and—professorial.
“Scotch-rocks. A double.”
Darby continued to stare at him, expectantly. “Any… particular poison, or-?”
Lyle glanced up, made a show of studying the bottles arrayed behind her. He knew nothing about scotch. Stupid. He settled on Johnnie Walker Black, and Darby poured his drink.
Lyle realized his heart was racing. Darby set the drink in front of him and he downed half of it in one swallow. He managed to keep his face neutral as the liquor seared his throat.
“This is a—little bit of a departure, for you, huh?” Darby indicated the scotch.
“What?”
She must have known he heard her but she raised her voice anyway. The music had changed to a British pop group with a lot of electronic undertones, trying to sound haunting.
“The scotch,” she said. “Don’t you always order lemon drop martinis? When you come in?”
Busted. Two bright red circles appeared high on his cheeks.
“You know, it, it depends,” he replied. “Depends on my mood. And you—you make a hell of a lemon drop martini, here.”
Fucking idiot, he thought. They make the same Goddamn lemon drop martini as everybody else and she knows it.
Darby was smooth, though. Graceful. She rolled right past it. “I wondered why you never came over and said hi.”
“Well I don’t want to, you know, be a bother. You’re working. It’s always busy. And I’ve been coming here for years, off and on. You get used to seeing students out on the town. I try to give them their space.”
“Oh.” Her smile reappeared. “Well I’m glad you came over. Let me know if I can get you anything else?” She was already angling away.
“How was class today?” Lyle didn’t want to let her go. She glanced down the bar, she had customers waiting.
“It was great, really great,” she hurried her answer. She was giving him the brush-off. “James did great. He’s an awesome teacher. Awesome guy.”
“You know, I’d been meaning to ask you, about James…” Lyle leaned in, conspiratorially. Darby’s smile was faltering, but courtesy won out and she leaned in to hear.
“Are you fucking him?”
Darby recoiled, as though he had spit on her.
“What?”
“Do you laugh at me, when you do it? When you fuck, do you laugh at the scabby, horn-dog professor?”
Darby’s breath hitched in her chest, she looked like she was about to cry. She took a step back. She looked down the bar, and then past him—toward the door.
Bouncer, he thought. She’s looking for the bouncer.
“I think you need to—” she began.
Then Lyle said the Word. The alien Word, meant to be moaned, easy as pie, really, when you thought about it, how the sounds flowed together. The Word that meant libido.
Darby froze. Her pupils flickered, Lyle saw, they constricted down to pinpricks, and then dilated as wide as they could go, swallowing the puppy-dog brown of her irises. Her face went slack. That wide, expensive smile vanished, and her mouth hung slightly open.
“Moisten your lips, Darby,” he said.
Her tongue slid out, pink and supple, and she obeyed.
Oh, my God, she OBEYED.
Lyle’s penis twitched in his pants, he realized he was painfully erect, his balls aching. He realized he had been, had been since—since I said the Word—since he had her and a cruel, savage sense of triumph shook him, he felt his pulse hammering in his veins, he felt like standing up on the bar and—
ROARING I want to ROAR at this dewy twat and all her imbecilic peers—
But instead, he took his cock firmly in his hand, through the cheap fabric of his Ross trousers, squeezed himself, and said—
“What are we going to do with you, Darby?”
#
Lyle fucked her in the alleyway behind O’Flaherty’s. That meant hurrying more than he liked, the dumpster provided cover but the blocks surrounding the campus were too well policed. It was all right, though. Now that he was armed with the libido-Word, the next time could be more leisurely.
He took her in. All of her. The small, surprisingly dark nipples, nothing like he’d imagined. The fine, black hairs on the nape of her neck, the peach fuzz of her freckled low back, her inner thighs. Her panties were white briefs with green stitching, they were covered with tiny frogs. He tugged them down, and nuzzled her there. He left hickeys, on her ass, her mons. Her smooth, exquisite young cunt.
Lyle took her from behind and saw the groggy confusion in her dilated eyes, the amazement*—*and through that the pleasure, the unsuspected, unwanted, violating pleasure that jolted moans out of her.
Lyle sucked her neck, bit it, hard enough to sting. She gave a tiny mewl as she came, and her spasm triggered him also. Lyle buried himself to the hilt in her, finished in her, and felt—
Like a king. Like a GOD.
They stayed there as the minutes stretched out, panting, still joined. He savored her, until his own tumescence vanished, and he slipped out. Lyle patted her derriere.
“Get dressed and get back to work, Darby,” he said. “We don’t want you to get in trouble.”
She jerked her head, drunkenly, from side to side, as though she were trying to shake water out of her ears. Lyle breathed deep, in through his nose, the fine scents of the city. Fried food nearby, probably the Thai joint catty-corner to the pub. He stood and admired, as Darby tugged her frog-panties back up those long pale legs.
“I’ll see you in class.”
Darby stared blankly at him as he took up his suitcase, turned, and strode into the night.
#
When Lyle opened his eyes the next morning, he was only mildly surprised to discover that he felt no guilt at all. The sun streamed in, the world was up and running, coffee was calling, and by God he felt fine.
He sat up in bed, stretched. He glanced at the alarm clock, that hateful sentinel, now toothless—10:27AM. The mattress was bare, beneath him. He’d never washed the sheets. Puddled on the floor were yesterday’s clothes. He resisted the urge to tidy them up. Later. He padded to the bathroom and went about his ablutions, brushed his teeth, took out his shaving kit. He had used the sleep-Word on himself again, last night. After.
After! He let the memories wash over him. Her smell: the tang of sweat, bar-odors, the undercurrent of peach soap. The taste of her! And then the feast, afterward. He had followed his nose to Great Elephant Thai, wolfed down a plate of kai thot, fried to a crisp and dripping oil*.* It may have been the finest meal of his life.
And he had had such dreams! Dreams of Darby, and of favorites past. Dreams of fucking and of wealth and of slights avenged and of respectful, deferential looks, dreams of voices falling silent when he entered a room, of every eye on him. A song lyric drifted into his head, something from his childhood, a favorite of his father’s one long summer, repeated ad nauseam on the fourteen-hour drive down to Savannah.
“Twenty years a’crawlin’… were bottled up in Tommy… he wasn’t holding nothin’ back, he let ‘em have it all…” Lyle sang, full voice, into the morning. A stupid grin spread over his face, as he wicked away the last patch of Barbasol, the careful spot right over his Adam’s apple, and rinsed his razor. He took a long look at Mirror-Lyle, looked into his eyes. He almost always avoided a close examination of his reflection, force of habit, but today he was a new man, and he wanted to take that man’s measure.
“Everyone… considered him… THE COWARD OOOF… the COUNTYYYY…”
Something else surfaced, then, in his memory, something that cranked the wattage down on his smile. He didn’t get all of it, just a glimpse, like a dorsal fin rising above the water. He had dreamed of more than power and sex. There had been something else. Lyle had a vague red recollection of tangled depths and faceless figures. His mind offered up a fleeting image of a crumbling stone structure, of keening wind and squat pillars; and of a great broken vault overhead, through which could be seen a blasted sky.
Lyle charged his phone as he brewed up a fresh pot. It had run out of juice somewhere during yesterday’s festivities, and when it finally powered up again it began to vibrate against the Formica tabletop in his dining nook. He ignored the first two pulses, but the phone insistently continued, not with the regular rhythm of an incoming call, but rather the inconsistent bursts of message notifications trickling in from the cloud. He tapped the touchscreen, and saw he had seven missed calls: one from a colleague, yesterday; and six from James, each one with a voicemail attached. The most recent of these had come just twenty minutes ago.
Lyle sipped on his coffee as he retrieved the briefcase from beneath his bed. He sat at his dinette and removed the fascicle, easily finding the rigid page. He opened it, and this time the new Word was waiting for him below the first, long entry: the entry corresponding to the letter “A” itself. This Word was angry, Ks and Zs, a hornet-word, serpent-word. Lyle looked to the white space, where the definition would arise. He pricked his forefinger with the tip of a steak knife and squeezed out two droplets of blood.
der zorn
Lyle sipped. Lyle thought. Greek, then Latin, now German. Was it moving forward in time? He wondered again about those first shapes he had seen, in the library. The more he tried to remember the more he doubted they had been in Greek. Something older, maybe. Phoenician syllabary? He would likely never know. But the Words were changing. The book was changing.
And there was this: both of the—*spells, they’re spells, let’s cut the shit—*both of the Words it had given him so far had been…
“Intuitive,” he said finally. “Useful. Like it knew.”
Lyle took down the last foil sleeve of blueberry Pop Tarts from his cupboard. Pauper’s breakfast, he thought, but not for much longer. He searched through his contacts until he found the number for the Chancellor’s office. He thumbed the little blue phone icon beside it.
#
Lyle had just started boxing up his things when James burst into his office, perfectly symmetrical face distorted by fury, his generous features made ugly. Ah, the righteousness of youth. James took in the dense sheaf of Staples boxes, waiting to be folded; took in the bare walls, the stacked diplomas and photographs.
“What the fuck is this?” he demanded.
“Emergency leave,” Lyle answered with a dismissive wave. “I’ve had a family crisis. I’m afraid I have to attend to it. Professor Chole will be taking over my workload for the remainder of the semester, I’m sure she’ll be in touch—"
“What did you do to Darby? What the fuck did you do?” James spoke with the husky, quaking tone of pure adrenaline. He was just barely restraining himself from lunging across the desk, Lyle realized. He took the younger man in with bemused calm. He let the moment stretch out.
“Therese called me,” James continued, the words throttling out of him. “Darby’s roommate. She came home last night, she has—bruises, all over her, little, little *bites—*she won’t speak, she just sits there and cries, but she said your name. It’s the only thing she said. What did you do to her, Lyle? Did you rape her?”
“Dr. Hereford,” Lyle replied.
James craned forward. “What?”
*“*You don’t get to call me Lyle.”
Lower, now, almost a whisper: “Tell me what you did to her.”
“I made her come,” Lyle said. “And she fucking loved it.”
James did lunge then, he screamed and he leapt across the desk, coming down on Lyle in a tangle of thrashing limbs and rabbit punches, the two of them toppling Lyle’s chair, compressing awkwardly into the tight space between desk and wall. James kicked hard off of the gray metal drawers, managing to end up on top. His hands found Lyle’s throat and began to squeeze. Lyle felt himself constricting, felt the energy draining out of him, pinned, as he lost oxygen. He noticed the curds of spittle at the corners of James’s snarling mouth. He started to see spots in the periphery of his vision, and as he slapped ineffectually at James’s face he thought am I going to die here—?
Lyle dug down for the last of his strength. The Word chose me. This wasn’t the end. Couldn’t be the end. He extended his leg as far as it would go, and used the distance to drive his knee, hard, into James’s crotch. A grunting exhale was propelled out of the younger man*.* Lyle pulled back to do it again; James squeezed his thighs together to block, and when he did, he compromised his balance. He took one hand off Lyle’s throat and thrust out his arm to catch himself as be began to roll, allowing Lyle to draw in a long, ragged breath.
Then Lyle spoke the Word.
The der zorn-Word.
The word that meant anger, that meant rage, that meant WRATH.
#
“Son. Son, you’re bleeding, let me—let me help you, come on. Son, it’s gonna be okay, come on, now— “
The campus policeman approaches James like a dog that might be rabid, that slow hunched posture with arms wide, except for the policeman it’s only one arm because his right hand is flush up against his service weapon and his thumb snaps the little thumbsnap and it’s a very small noise but it’s so loud in James’s head and he shakes it, his head, does James, from side to side, in herks and jerks, like a dog that might be rabid, now, like there’s water in his ears and he’s trying to shake it out, is James, and the policeman is coming on and speaking in clear precise syllables that explode behind James’s temples, clusterbomb-words, and the cop is speaking but he’s hearing another voice, is James, and it’s Lyle’s voice, it’s Dr. L’s voice, not Lyle never Lyle, and Dr. L’s voice is saying snakebit you’re snakebit she fucking LOVED it and James touches his own face now and it must be true because there’s blood on his face and when he blinks his blink is heavy and liquid like he just dropped Visine in there but the thing is but only but except it’s blood and he’s bleeding from the eyes, is James, and now the policeman is right on top of him saying “son what happened can you hear me respond if you can hear me” and James hears the exploding words all right and he blinks and blood oozes from the corners of his eyes and the cop is changing now, in the blood, his face is BOILING and now it’s Darby’s face on the policeman and she opens her mouth and her head cranes back and she’s ruined inside OH FUCK SHE’S RUINED INSIDE SHOT HERSELF SHE SHOT HERSELF SHE’S SHOT and now it’s DR L IT’S DR L SCREAMING SNAKEBIT SNAKEBIT SNAKEBIT—
James rears back and head-butts the campus cop as hard as he can, the smooth acne-less center of James’s forehead connecting with the soft cartilage of the policeman’s nose. A sick crunch echoes in the lobby of the Humanities building, a young woman close enough to hear it vomits on the floor, it is the first puking incident of the day but not the last.
The cop recoils with a sick moan, in his surprise clapping his hands to his shattered nose; in that moment James bellows, an awful inarticulate animal sound of hate, and yanks the policeman’s service piece free of his holster.
The handful of rubbernecking students freeze as James shoots the policeman in the face.
The policeman’s name is (was) Lou, the students know, and he is (was) genial and well-liked. A silent second passes in the lobby, and then the screaming begins.
James dips down and pulls two spare clips out of Lou’s belt. He pockets them. When James looks up, he doesn’t see fleeing students.
He sees Dr. L.
A gaggle of Dr. L’s. A school, a clutch, a murder. He sees laughing Dr. L’s running in every direction, diving behind furniture, breaking for the street or hurtling into the stairwells. One Dr. L dives behind the reception desk. James starts after him on wooden legs.
When he reaches the desk, there is Dr. L beneath it, a cell phone in his hand, cackling. James shoots him in the stomach. Dr. L keeps right on laughing, howling with it now, whatever it is must be hilarious, a real knee-slapper, then James remembers its him, Dr. L is laughing at him so James shoots him again, shoots him so he’ll stop but there are so many more—
#
Lyle Hereford, Ph.D., rested his browning forearms on the wrought iron railing of his third-floor balcony. He looked out over the Gulf of Mexico. The breeze was warm and gentle, suffusing, but it no longer calmed him. He took no notice of it. He was lost, as he was always now lost, in thought.
The one, lone thought.
It had taken a little less than two weeks for James’s horrific shooting spree to drop out of the news. The demands for GUN CONTROL NOW (or, conversely, for guns in every classroom) receded and were shelved for the next go-round. Politicians took to the field and unfurled their heraldry for the usual pro-forma skirmishes. Then, mercifully, a Cabinet official fucked somebody he really shouldn’t have and the national discourse (such as it was) barreled off, like a dog chasing a ball that its owner had only pretended to throw. As to why a handsome, popular, well-adjusted student should suddenly snap and murder sixteen of his fellows? The theories ranged from medically reasonable (an inoperable tumor which could not be verified via autopsy, as James’s brains had been removed by the responding tactical unit); to the paranoiac (James had been the subject of a Manchurian Candidate-style CIA/NSA/Acronym-of-your-choice experiment gone horribly wrong); to the Occult (the Devil made him do it).
Lyle had enjoyed that last one.
What Lyle had not enjoyed was that some of the conspiracy theorists, and even some of the legitimate press, had mentioned him by name. He had disappeared, after all, on an auspicious and chaotic day, to manage a crisis no one could verify involving a family no one could find. It had not been difficult to remain ahead of any enterprising investigators, though. Not with the Words.
And there had been so many more Words. Words in French and Finnish and Russian and Spanish and Mandarin. Words that meant envy and silence and fear and blindness and, perhaps the most potent yet, a Word that meant stupid. Lyle had employed that one against a statie who pulled him over as he crossed the Louisiana line, coming through Vicksburg. The guy had been six-two, maybe two-twenty, with sharp, curious eyes sunk deep in his skull. Lyle hadn’t liked the way he had looked at him, so he used the Word. Now the statie—*Edmonds was his name, Trooper Edmonds—*was six-two, two-twenty of drooling simpleton, probably staring at a wall somewhere in the nearest brain injury ward and driving the resident neurologists absolutely bugshit.
By the time Lyle made it to a quiet, lazy town on the Cajun Riviera and decided to set a spell, he had traded in his Acura for a Beemer and was carrying close to a hundred and twelve thousand dollars in cash. He had also acquired a 9mm Ruger and a shotgun with a pistol grip (the dealer had called it a snake charmer just before Lyle killed him).
None of that matters now, though.
All that mattered was the Word. Which, he had come to realize, was the last Word.
Because the book was alive, of course, had always been alive, Lyle knew that. Hadn’t let himself come right out and say it, but he knew. It had slept, maybe, possibly, until he woke it, with his touch, with his blood, but if it slept, it woke up thirsty*.* The book was always ready with the next Word, the next thing he would need. The book was collaborating with him. It was dancing with him, and at first he had thought he was the one leading, but now he knew better.
Lyle felt it. Felt it—pulling on him. All the time. Felt it in the room behind him, pulling, knew that he would go back in, sooner or later, go back in, and open the book, the book that has been leading him. Knew that he would open its hundreds of pages, because it was longer now, because it had grown, because it was three inches thick and the front plating had vanished and it wasn’t pretending to be a dictionary anymore.
He knew that he would open it and on every single page, centered, would be a single Word, the last Word, the Word that he will say, that he must say, sooner or later, and under it swirling in blood, blood that must be the book’s own, the final explication, the final command, the final meaning, and God, oh God, Lyle was afraid, because the last Word was
DOOR

Sup guys. I'm presenting business ideas for feedback.
Sorry in advance because this post is long, so I've labeled the important parts if you want to skip the extras!
To preface: I am going to be attending a business seminar on Friday. In this seminar, we are to go over ideas for startups. Those with the best ideas will have an opportunity to have support from the city we live in. In addition, the seminar attempts to encourage job growth in our area because the demographics need to look better. I am confident in sharing ideas because it usually comes down to execution, and good ideas are a dime a dozen. Still, I wanted input exploring the implications of three business ideas to establish a clear direction on which idea I will actively pursue.
1st idea- MODERN What it is: Modern is a home remodeling and design service where you remodel your home the way you want before you ever do anything. Imagine you have a day off, work from home, and want to reimagine your home. First, you take a few pictures of your home and then select some popular design templates that we have on tap. Next, you'll be able to come to our website. We then formulate that design in your existing space and provide you with the right furniture or lighting supplier. For extra service, we could have a beautiful location in major metropolitan areas with a few designs in person so you can see and feel. You can work with an actual person, and then we would take care of all of that extra work on the back end by setting up all of the renovations in the order it needs to be done. After we develop a design that works for your home and your budget, we connect you to the contractors that can supply that work. Order the necessary supplies, and bundle the project in a single financed option or payment to simplify it. We make money from contractors who give us a cut; you get your first design for free. We then collect your data and sell it to our overlords (kidding). Why: Home Renovation and Remodeling is estimated to be a 500 billion to 700 billion dollar industry in the United States. If one were to guess the most prominent industry players on the consumer side of the market, Home Depot and Lowe's would have a strong presence with relatively no viable competitors. These companies remain strong but cater to a dwindling demographic. The problem is that I'm less handy than my father and the generations before him. So when I walk into Home Depot, I'm quickly overwhelmed. Our current home improvement sector no longer suits the most significant needs of my generation and the generations that will come after me. I need to learn about 50 rows of products and materials before I touch them, and no one has the time to know everything necessary to renovate their home. Initial Motivation: I recently moved into an old fixer-upper home. I have all these grand ideas for improving it, but I need to figure out where to begin. I need help figuring out where to start, what design I like, or having the time to figure out every minor detail because I'm swamped these days. Home Depot will not cut it; I have different needs and want things to look manageable. If there were a service where I could design how I want my home to be and use it as a conduit to give me my desired result, it would save so much time. It would also be designed with the big picture in mind. Then, I could create my dream space. In addition, I would get better pricing because I'm bundling, and the marketplace would enforce a new style of contractor competition.
2nd idea: Flow Genie What it is: Flow Genie creates Cash flow templates for specific business sectors and order flow templates for different types of service businesses. Think AC/Plumbing companies to flooring and home goods providers.
It's software that compartmentalizes revenue and delegates it evenly so that you can make sure your business is managed correctly. You input your company data and goals, which Flow Genie will then take and segregate your funds appropriately. We do this for existing businesses by analyzing your data and separating funds from the beginning instead of randomly having massive outflows and inflows. For example, you own an AC or Plumbing company every time you receive a payment. In that case, part of the payment goes to the cost of goods sub-account, another portion to the payroll account, and another to miscellaneous or tax sub-accounts-no more need to have one pool of funds with no apparent direction. For new businesses, we could establish a proper pricing structure that suits your needs and is in control before it ever has the opportunity to get out of hand. This type of turn-key business management hasn't existed for millennia. So much knowledge about managing cash flows is lost in the ether.
Flow Genie will also establish how much to order and when to prevent you from being overweight on the production side vs. the customer-facing side. It creates a nice flow that can bring much-needed stability in otherwise chaotic environments. Why: The most significant part of my job as an entrepreneur is spent thinking about cash flows and payments. Unfortunately, it is also the most overwhelming and treacherous part. The time spent thinking about cash flow and material/labor costs can act as a prison preventing growth due to fear and uncertainty. When moving around millions of dollars, the mistakes become more and more costly and can even compound over time. It's taken five years to grasp the little I know now. But, first, hundreds of thousands of dollars were lost because of my mistakes with cash flow and thinking I had more or less working capital than I did. Suppose people had a resource just a layer just above the Quickbooks Onlines' of the world. In that case, they might feel more confident running and growing their business. They could focus on providing better service rather than stress about finances. Initial Motivation: My business ran into an issue where I had 200 units ready in a warehouse and 100k due. The problem was that my accounts only had 80-100k at the time. The money would replenish after servicing those units for customers, but I had a big situation. On the one hand, I could pay most of this balance to get the new units in. But, still, I need the warehouse space, the extra cash reserves when that cash is gone, and installers to install those units quickly enough, and I have none of those at this time. So essentially, I'd put myself in a position that could go bad soon if I didn't navigate it correctly. Enter in the little spot between a rock and a hard place. The damned if you do and damned if you don't because now the supplier suspends any new orders until that backlog is resolved and my account is suspended. On the other hand, if I had proper procedures and processes in place to ensure that a bottleneck of that nature wouldn't occur in the first place, I wouldn't have this problem. These are things that Flow Genie would see before I do because I enter my input capacity, space capacity, and average gross margin percentages to create a proper balance and flow. 3rd idea: MRW: What it is: A window and door replacement company that provides lower prices and an easy self-quoting tool so people can estimate their projects. Consider incorporating solar glass that can also power parts of your home. Why: Windows and doors are costly. Some companies charge upwards of $3-$5k per unit. When people have homes with 25 windows, they shouldn't have to take out a second mortgage to replace them. During the home building boom of previous decades, the builders' materials were cheap and, unfortunately, not built to last. The incentive was to make it fast and affordable. So where did these builders sacrifice the most quality? Things like windows and doors and siding. The parts of a home that are not superstructural or over-regulated. If the big box retailer is selling 25 windows to a homeowner, it can cost upwards of $70-$100k We can do it for $30k or less with the same glass. As far as solar glass goes, this technology is still being developed, but here's some food for thought. . Hypothetically, we could power the world's current electricity consumption by covering just 3.27% of the US with solar power plants. However, the issue is a gaping security risk because everyone would need to drop a bomb on that area, and the world would be in a pickle. However, if our windows were solar panels, they could cover a portion of our energy consumption while also being decentralized and ubiquitous. One would have to destroy all homes to sabotage only part of our power supply. In Arizona, for instance, The power generated from solar windows could directly power AC units, almost 25% of all energy usage in Arizona homes. They could also mine Bitcoin, but that's a whole other story. Initial Motivation: I had no idea people replaced their windows when I fell into this industry. I worked for a company for a few years and thought I could do it better, so I did. I want to provide a reputable service at a fair price, so I did. Oddly enough, this is the business model I'm using right now. It works because it's a simple service that people need without too much competition. To conclude: I know that was long. If you read all of that, thanks; you're a trooper. Feel free to let me know which one you're drawn to or any obvious rebuttals to the validity of those ideas. I have yet to think through these rough ideas, so there will be critical difficulties to overcome. Thanks!

Original prompt: [WP] Humanity has advanced to the point they live entirely online. You disconnect offline into a physical body for a government expedition. Report everything you’ve discovered about the offline world. (link)
I was halfway through a dragon-slaying quest with my guild when the message arrived. Apparently I'd been selected to take part in an "expedition", and if I didn't log out of Wyn-Life's Open World Life Simulator (Wyn-Owls for short), then I'd be ejected by force. My guild was supportive, as always, but none of them hid the fact that they had no idea what it meant.
About a day later, I discovered I'd been added to a messaging group with the other expedition members. Looking around the existing messages, the feelings among the group seemed mixed. Some, who had grown up hearing family members' stories of The Time Before were excited to see the world outside. Others were skeptical, thinking of the physical world as being just like Wyn-Owls, except they couldn't hack the system to fly or turn the world pink.
Personally, I was among the skeptics. I'd seen the physical world, but only during the recommended physical exercise periods. What I'd seen wasn't anything special, a chamber with solid gray walls I couldn't punch through, a few glowing LEDs, a few pieces of furniture for dealing with bodily functions while outside our life-support modules... Spending a matter of weeks out there just seemed like a miserable chore. Still, Wyn-Life had given the order, and they controlled both Wyn-Owls and the life support modules, so we didn't have much choice in the matter.
My preparations for the expedition were... Well, nonexistent, frankly. They could force me out of the OWLS, but they couldn't make me leave the bunker, so I didn't plan to. After a few days, they'd have to let us back in, so I planned to just sit around eating microbe chips and waiting to be allowed back online.
When the day finally came, I had been in the middle of figuring out the alchemy system, attempting to create a potion that would allow me to breathe underwater. It was slightly jarring to go from carefully measuring out colorful chemicals to coughing up faux-amniotic fluid on the concrete floor of my bunker, but I quickly pulled myself together and settled in to wait it out.
Well, I tried to. After about ten minutes of stretching and milling around my bedroom (accompanied by the usual cacophony of my joints cracking and popping after days of disuse), the lights shut off and a small rectangle lit up. Some kind of handheld communication device had been created in my 3D printer while I was still in Wyn-Owls, and was now blinking in a desperate gambit to draw my attention. I took a look at it, and wasn't particularly impressed. It was far less convenient than the communication windows in the OWLS, but I would have to accept the inconvenience since the physical world apparently wasn't sophisticated enough to have communication windows.
The communicators defaulted to a group chat with the other expedition members, who seemed to be in a similar state. Even the ones who had been excited before were terrified. We didn't even have light switches, so the lights going out all at once seemed like a borderline apocalyptic scenario. As we were speculating about what they were going to ask us to do, the LEDs near the floor began blinking in sequence, directing me toward the door.
I considered sticking with my plan of sitting around, but decided against it. Doing so in the dark wasn't what I'd had in mind, and who knew what else Wyn-Life would pull to make us do their bidding? Instead, I quickly got dressed in the drab clothes of the physical world and stepped out of my room for the first time in over a year.
My parents' bedroom was active, with the lights visible behind the door, but locked as usual. Grandparents, same story. Siblings, surprise surprise, also locked. Honestly, I wasn't entirely sure all of them were still alive (or any of them for that matter), but they still answered my messages within a few days of them being sent, so I assumed they were. Sure, there were rumors that Wyn-Life could maintain a person's consciousness inside Wyn-Owls even if their physical body died, but I'd assumed they were wrong. After all, Wyn-Owls basically was the world these days, so why would they bother having us leave to do physicals and such if we didn't need our bodies? I quickly realized I had gotten distracted, and returned to my path.
The lights led me out of my family dormitory, and past the doors of our neighbors. I had met many of them in passing, but I was only 14. It wasn't expected that we'd get married until the Pairing Day of our 25th year, so I had plenty of time to decide which of the girls in the community I disliked the least.
As I continued to follow the lights, I passed the common room where community gatherings were held back in the Dark Times, before Wyn-Owls was properly set up. Nowadays it was basically obsolete, OWLS made gatherings easier and much more interesting, but the automated maintenance systems still kept the room in good condition just in case.
Finally, I reached what looked like a destination. It wasn't a gate to the outside, but one of the old armories. Not to say that it was just a stockpile of ancient weapons, though it did have a fair few of those, it also contained its own more sophisticated 3D printers with access to weapon schematics. As I entered, two items had just been finished, hot off the printers. One was a Holo-Rifle, identical to the standard guns used in Wyn-Owls for marksmanship and hunting. I had little doubt that was intentional, though I wasn't sure whether they'd modeled the guns in the simulation after the real thing, or built the real thing based off how their virtual guns worked. I had never been a big fan of them personally, they were pretty bulky and the light beams they fired didn't have as much impact as I would've preferred, but if Wyn-Life thought I might need it then I'd take it with me.
The other item was an Omnitool. The handle was easy to keep a grip on, which was good given that the liquid metal that formed the actual operative instrument was still shifting around like crazy. It formed a blade, a weighted hammer, a segmented whip, a crook and a surprisingly long baton before retreating into the handle. I was more familiar with this tool, it was a lot of fun to play around with, and you could pull off some crazy stunts in the tournament arena if you used it well, but for the expedition I had to assume they intended it to be a multitool and not a wacky weapon. I carefully stowed the tool in my pocket as the lights dimmed again, and the LEDs on the floor began guiding me to a new destination.
I passed the old cafeteria, where food used to be served regularly before the nutrient synthesizers were installed in our rooms. They still saw some use during events, and the hydroponically-grown food was always a nice treat compared to flavorless paste the synthesizers usually produced, but I did not miss the lines we had to wait in.
Finally, it seemed I'd reached a door I'd never seen the other side of. The Big Door, which led to parts unknown. I'd wondered when I was younger what was on the other side, but had since lost interest. Now, though, it opened, and behind it was... a stairway. There was also an elevator, but the lights weren't directing me to it and the buttons didn't respond when I pressed them, so I assumed it hadn't been maintained properly and began climbing the stairs.
The staircase was enormous, and as I climbed I passed other doors that I could only assume led to other Wyn-Life community bunkers. Door after door, I climbed what must have been dozens of flights worth of stairs until I reached an even bigger door. After a few seconds, a klaxon sounded while a spinning red light filled the room and the door began to open. Behind it was an airlock, and I stepped inside, the door to the bunker sealing behind me before the door on the other side opened. We'd all been taught about The War, so I'd almost expected a burnt-out hellscape to be waiting beyond the door, but as the outside came into view, it quickly became apparent that that wasn't the case.
The light was absolutely blinding. I had always wondered why the comfortable level of illumination was only 5% of what the settings allowed, but seeing how bright the outside was, it made a bit more sense. After all, the basic design for the bunker had almost certainly been made back when people were still living out here, so this must have been the standard for the original designers. The air also seemed strangely... rich? It was moist, and felt a bit thick, but also significantly more pleasant to breathe than the air from the corridors I'd just left. As strange as it may sound, it almost felt like it was the first time I'd gotten to properly use my lungs.
As my eyes adjusted, I noticed just how strange everything looked. Even the most exotic servers and alien worlds generally had a familiar feel, sort of like recolors or alterations of objects from other places in the Wyn-Owls. Even just looking at the plant life from the entryway of the bunker, it seemed... off.
The first thing I noticed were the trees. Evergreens so tall that they seemed to touch the clouds, with no low-hanging branches that would allow anyone to climb them. I was already missing the ability to fly, it would've made examining the treetops much easier. Closer to the ground there were ferns, vines covered in thorns, and... A plant with fur on its leaves? It seemed the outside was a bit too strange to rely on just a written report, I desperately needed to take some screenshots to accompany it. Nobody would believe me if I just told them about this stuff!
I almost immediately realized that the physical world didn't support screenshots, much to my chagrin. Since my communicator gave me access to the messaging system, I wondered if I could use it to get around this limitation as well.
After touching it in a few places and a few ways, I found a way to open a menu offering different functions. I flicked through the various options, and stopped on photography. The device was a bit finicky, so it took me a few tries to get a good shot, but I did manage to get some clear pictures. I quickly began drafting a report, as I took my first step onto the ground outside. The ground sank in a little under my foot, nearly causing me to fall over. The soft ground only added to the alien feel of the outside, as if I was walking on the skin of some giant animal instead of nice, solid tile flooring.
Still, it wasn't altogether unpleasant, and I bandied around the idea of taking off my shoes to feel the soft ground with my feet before noticing all the debris that would probably have impaled my feet if I did. As I submitted my first report, I was already considering what direction to explore first. No HUD icons, no quest markers, no actual objectives aside from "look around and report what you find", and no advice to be had apart from that of other idiots who were in the exact same situation. It was terrifying, and also somewhat exhilarating, but it seemed that I would need to carve my own path for the foreseeable future.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY HERE! NYEH HEH HEH!
I HAVE OPENED THE GAME, SKIPPED THE STORY, AND PRESSED CONTINUE! AND I AM IN THE CHECKPOINT ROOM! AND MY FIRST INSTINCT, IS TO GO BACK TO SNOWDIN TOWN AND GET THE RIBBON OUT OF THE BOX! I MUST LOOK THE BEST FOR MY DATE WITH GAME ME! I PUT THE RIBBON ON AND COME BACK TO GAME ME! THE GAME IS VERY ACCURATE, AND DOES THE SAME JOKE THAT I DID WHEN I DATED FRISK! AND THEN I ENTER MY HOUSE!
I INSPECT SANS' PET ROCK, UNFORTUNATELY I CANNOT FEED IT! BUT IT'S FINE, IT HAS FOOD ALREADY! I GO UPSTAIRS AND INSPECT THE VERY MEANINGFUL PAINTING! BUT I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE, AS IT'S MY HOUSE, AND I ENTER MY ROOM! AND IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT REAL LIFE! JUST WITH NO FLOWERY, LESS ACTION FIGURES, AND MY BED ISN'T A REAL CAR! JUST HOW I REMEMBER IT USED TO LOOK! BUT ENOUGH TOMFOOLERY, IT'S TIME TO START THE DATE FOR REAL!
I ENTER THE DATE, AND ACCIDENTALLY PRESS C, WHICH BRINGS THE DATING HUD OUT EARLY! WHICH IS PROBABLY A GOOD THING! BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR STEP TWO! GAME ME ASKS ME OUT ON A DATE, AND I SAY YES! TIME FOR PART THREE!! GAME ME HAS NOTICED MY RIBBON, AND ACCUSES ME OF ALWAYS WANTING TO DATE HIM!! WHICH IS ONLY PARTIALLY TRUE! SO I SAY NO! AND LIKE THE COOL DUDE GAME ME IS, HE FINDS A WAY TO MAKE IT SUPER ROMANTIC AND COOL!! AND MY DATING POWER RISES!
GAME ME PUTS ON HIS COOL DUDE OUTFIT, WHICH IS VERY HANDSOME! I GIVE MYSELF A GENUINE COMPLIMENT, AND MY DATING POWER RISES ONCE MORE! HOWEVER, I HAVE FORGOTTEN ONE SMALL THING! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE HIDDEN POWER BEHIND THE OUTFIT (EXCEPT I ACTUALLY DO) AND THUS, MY COMPLIMENT IS INVALID! OH NO!! HOWEVER WILL I GET OUT OF THIS ONE, I PONDER! BUT BY SEER LUCK, I ACCIDENTALLY MOVE DIRECTLY UP TO THE HAT AND COMPLETELY UNINTENTIONALLY PRESS Z! AND WOWIE, I'VE FOUND THE SECRET PRESENT!
I OPEN THE PRESENT, AND GAME ME ASKS IF I KNOW WHAT IT IS! AND OF COURSE I DO! INSIDE THAT PRESENT IS THE FINEST SPAGHETTI MEAL THE UNDERGROUND HAS EVER SEEN! HAND-CRAFTED IN THE LAND OF MY KITCHEN, A DANGEROUS AND SPECTACULAR PLACE WHERE ONLY THE BRAVEST CHEF WARRIORS DARE ENTER! AND I WOULD EAT IT! HOWEVER, FLOWERY SAYS I SHOULD LET GAME ME HAVE IT INSTEAD, AND SO I DO! AND I DEFEAT GAME ME IN DATING!
WOWIE! I HAVE FORGETTEN HOW AWKWARD THIS ACTUALLY WAS! I DIDN'T NEED THE REMINDER, BUT I'M THANKFUL FOR IT ANYWAY! I HAVE OBTAINED MY PHONE NUMBER, AND NOW I CAN CALL GAME ME WHENEVER I WISH! NYEH HEH HEH! WHAT A NOT THAT GREAT TIME!
I RE-ENTER THE CHECKPOINT ROOM, AND GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER, AND SAVE THE GAME! THEN, I TALK TO MONSTER KID! WHO HAS SNUCK AWAY FROM SNOWDIN TO COME VISIT "HER", WHOM I AM ASSUMING TO BE UNDYNE! AND I THEN TALK TO THE ECHO FLOWER EXPLAINER PERSON, AND THE ECHO FLOWER! AND LASTLY, I TALK WITH SANS, WHO INVITES ME TO GRILLBY'S TO TAKE A BREAK FROM JUST STANDING AT HIS STATION DOING NOTHING! UNFORTUNATELY SANS, I HAVE STANDARDS, AND GRILLBY'S DOESN'T MEET THOSE STANDARDS (SORRY GRILLBY), SO I SHALL DECLINE THAT OFFER! AND THEN, I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM!
I FIND THE BOX, AND GRAB MY MANDANNA OUT OF THERE! AND I WALK ACROSS UNDYNE'S "PUZZLE", BUT FLOWERY TELLS ME TO GO BACK AND GO INSIDE THE WATERFALL! AND SO I DO, AND THERE IT IS! THE OLD TUTU! BACK TO THE BOX WITH YOU, MANLY BANDANNA! AND THEN, I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM!
OH WOW! WHAT A VERY ACCURATE MEETING BETWEEN UNDYNE AND GAME ME, THAT I HAVE LIVED THROUGH! THIS GAME HAS GOTTEN FRIGHTENINGLY GOOD AT BEING ACCURATE! GAME ME TRIES TO CONVINCE UNDYNE NOT TO KILL ME! BUT ALAS, UNDYNE DOESN'T LISTEN TO GAME ME'S PERFECT REASONING! I TRY TO ESCAPE, BUT UNDYNE NOTICES ME, AND PREPARES TO THROW A SPEAR!! THANKFULLY, THE GRASS HAS SAVED ME! SO I ESCAPE THE GRASS, AND SO DOES MONSTER KID, WHO HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME I GUESS! AND THEY FALL OVER! WHICH SUCKS TO SEE! I STAY DETERMINED DESPITE THE FEELINGS OF DREAD, AND SAVE THE GAME! AND THEN I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM!
AH, A PUZZLE! THIS SHALL BE EASY! ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I'VE DONE THIS PUZZLE TO GET TO UNDYNE'S HOUSE BEFORE! BUT I SOLVE THE PUZZLE WITH EASE, AND ENTER THE NEXT ROOM! BUT BEFORE I CAN GET TOO FAR, AN AARON ATTACKS! I DECIDE TO FLEX ON IT, FOR I AM VERY GREAT! AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO SO! BUT AARON FLEXES BACK, AND BOTH OUR ATTACK INCREASES!! AND I GET HIT! I FLEX ONCE MORE, AND ONCE MORE, AND THEN AARON FLIES OUT OF THE ROOM? BUT ANYWAY, I HAVE SOLVED THE OTHER PUZZLE, AND GET A CALL FROM GAME ME. WHO IS ASKING WHAT I AM WEARING! I TELL GAME ME I AM IN FACT WEARING A DUSTY TUTU, BUT INCASE THE GAME IS GOING TO GO HOW I THINK IT'S GOING TO GO, I SHALL SWITCH BACK TO THE MANLY BANDANNA, AND I ESCAPE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
IT'S THE WISHING ROOM! I WISH THAT I WAS TALKING TO GAME ME! AND WOWIE, IT'S COMING TRUE!! AND NOW, I AM TALKING TO ALL THE ECHO FLOWERS IN THE ROOM! I TRY TO TALK TO THE SECOND ONE, BUT WOSHUA APPEARS! I ASK IT TO CLEAN ME, THEN GET HIT 4 TIMES! BUT DON'T WORRY, BECAUSE I TOUCHED THE GREEN PROJECTILES! AND I HAVE HEALED IN THE OVERWORLD, SO IT IS FINE! I TALK TO ALL THE ECHO FLOWERS, LISTENING TO ALL THEIR STORIES TO TELL! SOME WISHING TO SEE REAL STARS, SOME TALKING ABOUT REAL STARS, ONE TALKING ABOUT THE HOROSCOPE! BUT AFTER TALKING TO ALL THE ECHO FLOWERS, I ENTER TO NEXT ROOM!
IN THIS ROOM, THERE ARE SIGNS ABOUT THE WAR! I WONDER WHY THE HUMANS ATTACKED US? I'M SURE THEY HAD A VERY REASONABLE AND UNDERSTANDABLE EXPLAINATION! BUT THAT QUESTION IS ANSWERED ALMOST IMMEDIATELY! THEY WERE SCARED THE MONSTERS WOULD TRY TO TAKE THEIR SOUL! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! MONSTERS ARE KIND AND GOOD! AND NOT MURDEROUS AND SCARY! BUT I FINISH READING, AND GO ONTO THE NEXT AREA!
AND UNDYNE THROWS A SPEAR AT ME!! I MUST HELP FRISK TO ESCAPE UNDYNE'S WRATH! I RUN AS FAST AS THE GAME ALLOWS ME TO, AND GET HIT ONCE! BUT I ESCAPE TO SOME GRASS! AND MONSTER KID HAS SAVED ME BY SOMEHOW GETTING IN FRONT OF ME, AND UNDYNE RETREATS BACK TO WHEREVER SHE WENT! MONSTER KID IS SUPER EXCITED ABOUT UNDYNE TOUCHING THEM, WHICH IS COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE! BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WASH YOUR FACE. AND ALSO PLEASE STOP FALLING ON IT!! BUT, THE CHASE IS OVER, AND I CAN RESUME MY ADVENTURE!
I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM, AND IT'S THE MOUSE AGAIN! AND SOME CRYSTALIZED CHEESE! I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE MOUSE MAY ONE DAY EXTRACT THE CHEESE FROM THE CRYSTAL, AND SAVE THE GAME! THEN I INTERACT WITH THE MOUSE, AND MOVE ON!
OH LOOK, IT'S SANS! WITH HIS TELESCOPE! I'VE BEEN DENYING MY BROTHER A LITTLE TOO MUCH I FEEL, SO I'LL DO THIS ONE THING! OH BUT OF COURSE IT'S A PRANK! AND NOW FRISK HAS PINK EYE! I GO UP, AND FIND THE NICE CREAM MAN!! AND I BUY ANOTHER TWO NICE CREAMS, SINCE I USED ONE TO HEAL EARLIER! I ALSO READ THE SIGN, AND PONDER WHAT IT COULD POSSIBLY MEAN! BUT FLOWERY GETS BORED AND TELLS ME TO MOVE ALONG! I GO BACK DOWN, AND TALK TO THE STAR MAN! AND I GO RIGHT, AND I SEE THE BIRD THAT CARRIES PEOPLE OVER THE DISPROPORTIONATELY SMALL GAP! I WAVE IT HELLO AND GOODBYE, AND CONTINUE MOVING ON!
WOWIE, SO MANY ECHO FLOWERS! I'M SURE THE WISH ISN'T STUPID, STRANGER! AS I AM WALKING LEFT, I GET ATTACKED BY TWO MOLDSMALS! SO I FLIRT WITH ONE, IMITATE THE OTHER, AND SPARE THEM BOTH! I CONTINUE MOVING LEFT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING BUT A BUSH IN HERE! SO I GRAB THE BALLET SHOES THAT WERE IN THE BUSH THAT FLOWERY TOLD ME ABOUT, AND THEN I INSPECT THEM! 7 WPN AT?! HOW DEADLY! I DON'T NEED THIS, BUT LITTERING IS BAD AS I HAVE LEARNED FROM THE TOY KNIFE, SO I SHALL GO PUT THIS IN MY BOX! I GO DOWN, AND GET A CALL FROM GAME ME!! BUT OH NO! THE GAME HAS OUTSMARTED ME!!! GAME ME HAS TOLD UNDYNE WHAT I AM WEARING, AND SHE HAS ALREADY SEEN ME WEARING IT! CURSES!! I WILL JUST HAVE TO THINK AHEAD! I WILL GO PUT THE TUTU BACK ON! BUT ON MY WAY TO THE BOX, I GET ATTACKED BY ANOTHER WOSHUA! I GET CLEANED, SPARE THEM, PUT ON THE TUTU, PUT THE MANDANNA BACK IN THE BOX, AND GO BACK DOWN! BUT I GET ATTACKED BY WOSHUA AND AARON! I ASK TO BE CLEANED BY WOSHUA, AND THE WATER IS BLUE THIS TIME, HOW EASY FOR ME! I SPARE WOSHUA, FLEX WITH AARON, AND MOVE ON!
I FINALLY ENTER THE NEXT ROOM, AND IT'S ONIONSAN! WE HAVE A NICE CONVERSATION AS I WALK INTO THE NEXT ROOM, AND I BUMP INTO SHYREN! I SHALL HUM WITH SHYREN! AND I CONTINUE TO HUM, AND SANS IS SELLING TICKETS MADE OF TOILET PAPER, BECAUSE OF COURSE HE IS! I CONTINUE HUMMING! AND THIS IS THE FINAL HUM! THIS HAS BEEN A VERY FUN BATTLE! BUT I MUST EMBARK ON MY JOURNEY! SO I GO RIGHT, AND SEE THE STATUE BEING RAINED ON! SO OF COURSE, I GET AN UMBRELLA AND GIVE IT TO THE STATUE, AND A MUSIC BOX STARTS PLAYING! WHAT A COOL SONG THAT FLOWERY DOESN'T WANT TO STOP LISTENING TO! BUT HE HAS AN UPGRADED VERSION IN HIS MIXTAPE, SO I DON'T GET WHY HE- OH WAIT NO NEVERMIND THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE SKY! OKAY NOW HE'S TELLING ME TO GO BACK AND GO UP, AND THERE'S A PIANO HERE! I THINK I UNDERSTAND THE PUZZLE! AFTER A COUPLE ATTEMPTS, I FINALLY COMPLETE THE PUZZLE! IT'S TIME TO CLAIM MY REWARD! BUT I'M CARRYING TOO MANY DOGS. SO I- WAIT WHAT?!
GAH!! CURSE THAT MEDDLING CANINE!!! IT STOLE MY LEGENDARY ARTIFACT! OH WELL, IT'S FINE! I GUESS I DON'T NEED IT! I SHALL CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD! AND I HAVE MET UP WITH MONSTER KID, WHO IS FOLLOWING ME, SINCE THEY DON'T HAVE AN UMBRELLA! AND THEY TELL ME A COOL STORY ABOUT HOW ASGORE WENT TO SCHOOL AND TAUGHT THEM ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY AND SUCH! AND THEN WE VIEW THE CASTLE TOGETHER! AND THEN THERE'S A LEDGE THAT BLOCKS OUR PATH! CURSES! BUT THANKFULLY, MK HAS DECIDED TO SACRIFICE THEIR ADVENTURE FOR MY ADVENTURE'S SAKE! WHAT A HERO! I'M SURE THIS WON'T BE THE LAST I SEE OF THEM!
I CONTINUE READING ABOUT THE WAR, AND OUR TRAGIC TALE, AND THEN I CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD! BUT UNDYNE WANTS TO ATTACK ME ONCE AGAIN!!! I RUN AWAY, AND GET STUCK AT DEAD ENDS SEVERAL TIMES! BUT THANKFULLY, I HAVE ESCAPED WITH MY LIFE, AND WITHOUT GETTING HIT! BECAUSE I AM JUST GREAT THAT WAY! I TRY WALKING BACK TO FIND A WAY OUT, BUT UNDYNE SHOWS UP!! AND I AM CORNERED! OH NO!! BUT, SHE JUST... DESTROYS THE BRIDGE? THAT SEEMS A BIT COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. GOOD FOR ME HOWEVER! AND NOW, I'M BEING SAVED BY SOMEONE??
FLOWERY TOLD ME HE HAS TO DO SOMETHING, AND I CAN JUST KEEP PLAYING WITHOUT HIM! STRANGE, BUT OKAY! WHEN MY VISION HAS RETURNED, THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. STRANGE, I GUESS IT WAS A DREAM! BUT NOW I AM IN THE DUMP! THAT MEANS I'M CLOSE TO UNDYNE'S HOUSE! I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE ENDLESS CYCLE OF VERY WORTHY NOT WORTHLESS AT ALL GARBAGE, AND SAVE THE GAME! I FIND SOME ASTRONAUT FOOD, AND DECIDE TO TAKE IT! I INSPECT IT, AND LEARN IT HEALS 21HP! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE, BUT I SHALL LEAVE IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE! AND I FIND A TRAINING DUMMY, AND I DECIDE TO TRAIN WITH IT! BUT FRISK FEELS BAD. I SHALL LEAVE IT ALONE THEN! BUT THEN, IT GETS ANGRY AT ME!! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS ALIVE! WELL, NOT REALLY ALIVE, BECAUSE IT'S A GHOST, BUT I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A NORMAL TRAINING DUMMY!!! AND THEY'RE MAD AT ME FOR SAYING SOMETHING TO THE DUMMY IN THE RUINS!? WHAT DID FRISK SAY, THE NARRATOR DIDN'T DESCRIBE ANYTHING!!!
BUT NOW I AM IN BATTLE! I TRY TO TALK THEM OUT OF THIS, BUT THEY DON'T SEEM MUCH FOR CONVERSATION, OH NO!! BUT MY ACCIDENT, I HIT MAD DUMMY WITH THEIR MAGIC BULLETS, AND THEY REACT IN PAIN! THEY THREATEN TO TAKE FRISK'S SOUL, WHICH WILL NOT BE HAPPENING! NOT ON MY WATCH! AND I ACCIDENTALLY ATTACK THEM AGAIN!! OH NO! I KEEP TRYING TO TALK, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING! MAYBE IT'S LIKE TORIEL WHERE I HAVE TO SPARE OVER AND OVER?? THEY KEEP FLYING INTO THEIR OWN BULLETS! I'M TRYING NOT TO HIT THEM!!! OKAY, SPARING THEM'S NOT WORKING. MAYBE I SHOULD KEEP TRYING TO SPARE THEM! I KEEP SPARING AND TALKING, AND ACCIDENTALLY HITTING MAD DUMMY! BUT IT'S NOT WORKING!!! I REFUSE TO FIGHT, THERE'S A WAY TO SPARE THEM, I JUST KNOW IT! IF ONLY FLOWERY WERE HERE, HE'D KNOW WHAT TO DO!
EVENTUALLY, MAD DUMMY GETS TIRED OF GETTING HIT OVER AND OVER, WHICH I APOLOGIZE FOR! OR I WOULD, IF I COULD. BUT NOW ALL THE MAGIC DUMMY BULLET THROWERS ARE FIRED!! THIS IS ALL JUST INCONVENIENT FOR EVERYONE, SO I THINK WE SHOULD STOP! BUT MAD DUMMY DISAGREES! NOW I HAVE TO DODGE THE HOMING MISSILES! I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPARE THEM. MAYBE I SHOULD TRY FIGHTING, BUT THEN INTENTIONALLY MISSING? GAH! IT'S NOT WORKING!! MAYBE IT'S LIKE MY FIGHT WHERE THEY'LL SHOW MERCY ON THEIR OWN! I'LL TRY WAITING IT OUT THEN!
AND I WAS RIGHT! I'VE BEATEN THE FINAL ATTACK! NYEH HEH HEH! BUT THE MUSIC HASN'T STOPPED. AH! A KNIFE!! IT WAS JUST ONE THOUGH. I THINK I'VE WON! WAIT, NO! NOW I'M STUCK HERE! CURSE YOU, TURN BASED COMBAT SYSTEM!! OR NOT. WOWIE! NAPSTABLOOK SAVED THE DAY, ALBEIT ACCIDENTALLY, THEY STIL SAVED THE DAY! AND NOW I AM GOING TO VISIT THEIR HOUSE! I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION AND TRANQUILITY, AND SAVE THE GAME! AND BEFORE I VISIT NAPSTABLOOK, I SHALL VISIT THE BIRD THAT CARRIES PEOPLE OVER THE DISPROPORTIONATELY SMALL GAP! AFTER DANCING WITH THE BIRD, I VISIT NAPSTABLOOK, AND LISTEN TO THEIR INCREDIBLE MUSIC, AND THEN I LEAVE! AND FLOWERY HAS RETURNED! HOORAY! AND I SHALL PLAY THUNDERSNAIL TO CELEBRATE! AND I GOT SECOND PLACE!! CONGRATULATIONS, YELLOW SNAIL! IT THINKS IT WON, SO ACT LIKE I WON FIRST TO MAKE IT HAPPY! HOORAY!! AND NOW, I MOVE ON!
AND I HAVE REACHED GERSON'S SHOP! I ONLY HAVE ROOM FOR ONE ITEM, SO I SHALL BUY A CRAB APPLE! AND I TALK TO GERSON FOR A BIT, AND THEN I LEAVE! AND I READ MORE ABOUT THE WAR! AND THEN I AM ON THE MUSHROOM BRIDGE PUZZLE, AND FLOWERY WANTS ME TO GO TO THE TEMMIE VILLAGE! AND SO I DO! WHAT A STRANGE PLACE! AND AFTER SOME HANGING OUT, AND SELLING ITEMS TO TEMMIE, I ENCOUNTER TWO MOLDSMALS! I FLIRT WITH ONE, IMITATE THE OTHER, BUT IT WAS MOLDBYGG IN DISGUISE!! I TRY HUGGING MOLDBYGG, BUT THAT JUST SLOWS ME DOWN! SO I UNHUG INSTEAD, AND I CAN SPARE THEM! I GET HIT, AND THEN I SPARE THEM! AND I AM NOW AT 4HP, SO I SHOULD DEFINITELY HEAL! ANOTHER NICE CREAM FOR ME! AND THEN I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM!
AND IT'S THE LANTERN MAZE! I NEVER REALLY LIKED THIS PLACE. THE CRYSTALS ARE PRETTY THOUGH! ON MY WAY TO THE NEXT ROOM, I GET ATTACKED MY WOSHUA AND AARON! FLEX WITH AARON UNTIL HE FLIES AWAY, GET CLEANED, AND WIN THE BATTLE! AND ON MY WAY I SHALL BE! AND I HAVE ARRIVED IN A DARK AREA! I FIND AN ECHO FLOWER, AND UNDYNE SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE!! BUT THANKFULLY, BEFORE UNDYNE CAN STEAL FRISK'S SOUL, MK SHOWS UP AND SAVES ME ONCE AGAIN! UNDYNE DRAGS MK AWAY, AND I AM FREE TO ESCAPE ONCE MORE!
I AM NOW ON A BRIDGE, AND MK HAS ESCAPED UNDYNE! AND MK NOW KNOWS THAT FRISK IS HUMAN! BUT NOW WE'RE ENEMIES! OH NO! MK WANTS ME TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN SO THEY CAN HATE ME, BUT I REFUSE! MK IS GOING HOME, BUT THEN THEY TRIP AND FALL!!! AND UNDYNE SHOWS UP AT THE SAME TIME! AND I SHALL SAVE MONSTER KID FROM FALLING! MONSTER KID MAKES UNDYNE RETREAT, AND THEN THEY RUN BACK HOME! AND I SHALL CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD!!
AND THERE'S UNDYNE AGAIN! AND SHE'S NOT LETTING ME ESCAPE THIS TIME! SHE DOESN'T LIKE HOW I'M BEING KIND TO THE MONSTERS FOR SOME REASON? BUT SHE'S KIND TO THEM TOO! SO, I GUESS SHE JUST SAID THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF?? WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK UNDYNE! I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE HOWLING WIND, AND DECIDE I AM READY TO FACE UNDYNE!
I TRY TO PLEAD WITH UNDYNE, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS! AND I HAVE BLOCKED THE SPEARS! I TRY PLEADING ONCE MORE, AND NOTHING HAPPENS! AND I KEEP DOING THIS, UNTIL UNDYNE TURNS FRISK'S SOUL BACK TO NORMAL! AND IF THE GAME IS ACCURATE AGAIN, I SHOULD HAVE THE OPTION TO FLEE! WHICH I DO! ESCAPE! BUT UNDYNE CATCHES UP WITH HER INCREDIBLE SPEED, AND TURNS ME GREEN AGAIN!
I START SPARING HER INSTEAD, SINCE PLEADING WON'T WORK. UNDYNE ALMOST TRICKS ME, BUT I KEEP UP MY NO-HIT STREAK! I'M ALREADY USED TO BEING GREEN! NYEH HEH HEH! BUT TWO ATTACKS LATER, AND I GET HIT TWICE! BUT I AM NOW RED AGAIN, SO TO THE OVERWORLD WITH ME! SHE CATCHES ME AGAIN AND I AM GREEN ONCE MORE! AND THEN UNDYNE USES HER YELLOW SPEAR! OH NO!! THE YELLOW ONES ALWAYS CONFUSE ME. I SHOULD SURVIVE THOUGH! I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AFTER ALL! EVEN IF I ONLY HAVE 14HP, THAT'S HIGH HP FOR FRISK'S STANDARDS! I GO BACK TO PLEADING, STILL NOTHING! BUT EVENTUALLY, SOMETHING HAPPENS! AND HER ATTACKS GET LESS EXTREME! NYEH HEH! I GET HIT AGAIN, BUT I'M STILL ALIVE! AND ANOTHER TWO ATTACKS LATER, AND I AM RED AGAIN! FREEDOM!! AND THEN GAME ME CALLS! OH WOW, WHAT A TIME TO ASK ABOUT BEING UNDYNE'S FRIEND! WELL, HOPEFULLY THAT WAS INACCURATE TIMING! BUT NO MATTER, I WILL VISIT UNDYNE NEXT TIME I PLAY! BUT FOR NOW, I SHALL CONTINUE RUNNING FOR FRISK'S LIFE! AND THEN I MAKE IT TO HOTLAND, WITH A SLEEPING SANS! BUT IT DISTRACTED UNDYNE FOR A MOMENT, SO I GUESS I'LL ALLOW IT!
OH NO! UNDYNE HAS COLLAPSED ON THE BRIDGE OVER LAVA! THANKFULLY, THERE'S A WATER COOLER RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, WHICH SHOULD BE FIRE, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW! I SHALL GIVE UNDYNE THE WATER! AND SHE HAS WALKED AWAY. OH WELL! I'M SAFE! I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE LABORATORY'S PLACEMENT, AND SAVE THE GAME! AND I SHALL CONTINUE PLAYING TOMORROW!! BECAUSE I NEED TO GET MY BONES TO STOP RATTLING! AND FLOWERY'S SHAKING, DESPITE HIM INSISTING THAT HE'S NOT! SO! WE SHALL SEE! NEXT TIME! WE SEE YOU! NEXT TIME ON I PLAYED UNDERTALE AND I AM REGURGITATING THE KNOWLEDGE BACK TO YOU!!
-NYEHFULLY YOURS, PAPYRUS AND FLOWERY

Last Thursday I made a post where I showed the unlabeled timelines of each Documental season, and wrote that I planning to release all my data showing the entire breakdown of every card given in the first 10 seasons (and the shelved S8).
That time has come.
Reddit posts are limited to 40k characters, so I can't fit all the seasons in one post. However, I was planning to cap off the data post with a post reviewing every season, where I'd divide Documental into three eras (1-4, 5-7, shelved 8 - 10) and try to rank them. Instead, I'll combine the timeline, data, and review into three posts, one for each era. The reviews will go in a comment to save space.
Welcome to the Classic Era (alternatively, the Cookie-Fujimoto Era) of Documental. Introduction and methodology in the comments to save space.
ドキュメンタル。。。スタート！

Season 1

U! S! A!
Documental Season 1 Card Timeline
Winner: None (three-way tie, unofficial winner Anthony)

Contestant	Duo Name	Catchphrase*	Points**	Final Rank
Miyagawa Daisuke (宮川大輔)	(solo)	１、２を争うゲラ (Quick To Laugh)	N/A	7th (Tie)

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Time	Card	Primary Culprit(s)	Secondary Culprit(s)	Description	Category
5:20:25	Yellow	(self), Jimmy		Thwaps Jimmy with a rubber band in his bald spot. Twists the rubber band around his mouth immediately after, he claims he was "trying to make a funny face" but Matsumoto says he was using it to hold back a laugh and "that's wrong".	Boke, Self-Destruct
3:31:49	Orange	kukky		kukky comes out with the Tenga Egg on his head that he inflates.	Immediate, Absurd
2:59:31	Red	kukky, Fujimoto	(self)	["Double elimination"]: Fujimoto initiates cleaning Daisuke's ass of the toilet paper, the killing blow comes when kukky comes and sprays something (perfume)? Both Daisuke and Saito get reds.	Coup de grace, Absurd, Lost Endurance

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Ohchi Yosuke (大地洋輔)	Dienoji (ダイノジ)	エアギター世界王者 (Air Guitar World Champion)	N/A	9th

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5:47:52	Yellow	Jimmy		"Yoshimoto's Al Capone": Ohchi is laughing pretty much throughout the group's conversation about Hachimitsu's shirt (and Fujimoto's "giant wife", per Kubota) but Jimmy coming out with his "mother and child" lamb gets him to laugh, chided for hiding behind cigarette.	Boke, Absurd, Passive, Warning
5:26:26	Safe!	Anthony		Examined during the Saito orange, Ohchi accused of laughing but holding it in during Anthony's "move" which consists of him squeezing his head through the opponent's arm and saying Hello.	Absurd
4:28:33	Red	kukky		Laughs at kukky's joke about his jacket hood being full of tofu, specifically just the joke and the word "tofu", as he even reinacts it "It's soaked in sweat." "Yeah, it's wet." "That's not sweat. There's tofu in there.". He explains that kukky uses tofu as a joke for everything.	Immediate, Boke, ???, Personal, Unfunny

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Kubota Kazunobu (久保田和靖)	"Torosa-mon" [sic.] (とろサーモン)	サイコパス的な。。。(Psychopathic...)	N/A	Survived*** (would have placed 2nd on points)

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1:06:33	Yellow	Anthony		Loses the rock-paper-scissors against Fujimon and has to look at the photo of Anthony's dad (same photo where he blends into background that Kawahara laughs at) first. His voice trembles with a laugh.	Traditional, Strict

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Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史)	"Fujiwara" (FUJIWARA)	嫁への依存心でハングリーになれるか？ (Can He Be Hungry Dependent On His Wife?)	N/A	4th

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5:33:48	Yellow	Jimmy, Daisuke		["They calm me"]: Jimmy and Daisuke line up to play rock-paper-scissors, Daisuke tells Jimmy to put the sheep away and he says they calm them, then Jimmy bursts into laughter. Saito and Fujimoto also caught smiling (albeit Fujimoto smiles in a way that he will always do in the later seasons).	Strict, Warning
2:14:53	Orange	Anthony		A talk starting from Fujimon not needing 10M, name a comedian still popular in their 50s, Ishizuka... Anthony mentions "But I heard that when he does those gourmet reports, he leaves a lot of food." and Fujimoto goes "Hmph!".	Strict, Personal
18:50	Red	Kawahara, (self)		Kawahara goes out with his boxing glove punch strainer dip routine. Fujimoto joins in taking the strainer, and Kawahara hits him in the face with the boxing glove at the end. Fujimoto laughs. "When you get punched that much, you can't help but laugh. I thought, 'What the hell am I doing?'".	Rolling, Absurd, Coup de grace

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kukky (くっきー)	"Yaseibakuden" (野性爆弾)	ドリ客 (Can-ghter)	N/A	5th

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4:34:08	Yellow	Hachimitsu		Laughs at Hachimitsu's black-and-yellow lucha libre mask. Contemporary with Ohchi's orange for laughing throughout. No time given, so I'm going off of the 4:33:18 seen when Ohchi's laughs minus 50 seconds of broadcast time to the start.	Traditional
4:07:16	Orange	Daisuke		["Analympics"]: Daisuke demonstrates the game he used to play in dressing rooms: Analympics, strips underwear and shows anus very fast. Kukky laughs because he had toilet paper crumbs left ("looked like termites"), Hachimitsu and Saito also examined, Saito marked safe but other two get orange.	Vulgar, Immediate, Unexpected
2:19:00	Red	Kubota		Kubota performs an unfunny version of Pikotaro. "B... oo... boobs!" It's not even remotely funny, so kukky laughs. Time not shown so going off starting time.	Unfunny

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Saito Tsukasa (斎藤司)	"Trendy Angel" (トレンディエンジェル)	ハケごときで (His Baldness Is Lame)	N/A	7th (Tie)

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5:33:48	Yellow	Jimmy, Daisuke		Jimmy and Daisuke line up to play rock-paper-scissors, Daisuke tells Jimmy to put the sheep away and he says they calm them, then he bursts into laughter. Saito and Fujimoto also caught smiling.	Boke
5:26:26	Orange	Jimmy		"First orange": After Jimmy gives him his hair, he goes to wash his head. Jimmy "makes a funny face" and Saito laughs. The group insists Jimmy was laughing and hiding his face in the sink but Matsumoto doesn't check up on it. Ohchi also examined and not carded. Since Saito was attacking he gets an orange, which is explained as the last step before red.	Boke
4:07:16	Safe!	Daisuke		["Analympics"]	Vulgar, Immediate

​

Kawahara Katsumi (川原克己	"Tenjikunezumi" (天竺鼠)	板尾創路の系譜 (The "Itsuji Itao Type")	N/A	Survived*** (would have placed 3rd on points)

​

2:09:52	Yellow	(self)		"That's quite manly of you...": Nobody's ever seen Kawahara laugh, so he decides to show them. He hides his face and uncovers it to indeed reveal him laughing. "I thought he wouldn't make a face at all. But he gave us a full on laugh. It was so unlike him.". His goal was that everybody would laugh in response. Fujimoto does laugh, but after the siren.	!!!
1:12:11	Orange	Anthony		Laughs at Anthony's second photo of his American dad Viktor (a night photo where his dad is barely visible due to his dark skin color).	Traditional

​

Hachimitsu Jiro (ハチミツ二郎)	"Tokyo Dynamite" (東京ダイナマイト)	地肩が強い (Mr. Highly Proficient)	N/A	6th

​

5:59:17	Safe!	(self)		["First siren on Documental"]: pretty much everyone is laughing, but specifically Jiro's smile as he introduces himself to Jimmy and Jimmy's "stretched mouth" after Kawahara introduces himself as "Kyojin from All Hanshin" get called out.	Lost Concentration, Fun
5:00:25	Yellow	Jimmy		Jimmy eats the bun with the wasabi clearly on it, there's still one more, Hachimitsu laughs as he says "It should be okay...".	Lost Concentration
4:07:16	Orange	Daisuke		["Analympics"]	Vulgar, Immediate
2:50:51	Red	Fujimon	(self)	Earlier on, as Hachimitsu shows off the lucha libre masks, he stands on a chair and breaks it, and Ohchi swings a broken part of the chair around like a tonfa. Later, Kawahara is doing a running joke where he takes credit for other things, and replicated Ohchi's joke. Hachimitsu remarks that he made that and Fujimon says "You didn't make it". They repeat this exchange and Hachimitsu smiles. Fujimoto is stunned as Hachimitsu smiled at the simplest possible tsukkomi response: "What else should I say? You didn't make it." In the interview after, Hachimitsu talks about how he lost his focus, and couldn't understand why Fujimoto was so persistent about something so trivial, as "When you think about it, I made that prop".	Tsukkomi, Lost Concentration

​

Anthony (アントニー	"Matenrou" (マテンロウ)	毛色が違う (A Horse of a Different Color)	N/A	Survived*** (would have placed 1st on points)

​

3:21:16	Yellow	(self)	kukky	Anthony puts on kukky's Tenga Egg and enjoys it, saying "This is fun" but smiling as he does.	Lost Concentration, Fun
1:16:37	Orange	(self)		Laughs "like at a normal dinner" while showing Fujimon his kindergarten photo.	Lost Concentration, Fun

​

Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西)	(solo)	化物 (Monster)	N/A	10th

​

5:59:17	Safe!	Kawahara		["First siren on documental"]	Traditional
5:33:48	Yellow	(self), Daisuke		["They calm me"]	Boke
5:26:26	Safe!	(self)		["First orange"]	Boke
4:56:08	Red	Fujimon	(self)	Hachimitsu says Fujimon is close to laughing and Fujimon complains about Jimmy: "But he keeps drinking!" (after they agreed using bottles to hide a laugh is a foul). Jimmy laughs and gets mad at Fujimon, saying he was only drinking because the wasabi was still hot and he kept tricking Jimmy into laughing.	???

FINAL WORDS:

Anthony: You act like you're the best, but you're hopeless. ([小僧?]一番出来る感じ出して、なんてないっす。）
Kubota: Hm?
(silence)

Season 2

The legendary 657 seconds. A true fight to the death. This is Documental.
Documental Season 2 Card Timeline
Winner: Kotouge (2 remaining, won 3-0 on points)

Contestant	Duo Name	Catchphrase*	Points	Final Rank	Likelihood To Win**
Yoshimura Takashi (吉村崇)	Heisei Nobushikobushi (平成ノブシコブシ)	破天荒芸人 (The Wild Cannon Comedian)	1	3rd	5th

​

Time	Card	Primary Culprit(s)	Secondary Culprit(s)	Description	Category
4:28:29	Yellow	Jimmy		["Reshuffled"]: Jimmy gets his balls sucked in the vaccuum and reacts to the pain: "Look at my balls, they've been reshuffled (互い違い)". Matsumoto says everyone could be called out but Yoshimura and Tsuda were clear outs, giving everyone a yellow as a coincidence. The two assert that at first they had no idea what Jimmy meant, but his balls had indeed moved "not just up and down, there was a lateral transfer too".	Boke, Verbal, Vulgar, Physical
20:25	Orange	Fujimoto		As Fujimoto undresses, Joyman falls out. Turns out Fujimoto had stuck Joyman inside his underwear, and it even stuck to his butt for a moment.	Unexpected, Trap
10:56	Red	Kotouge		Kotouge spits water onto the photo of Tsuda's mother and yells "old hag!". Almost all of it richochets onto Yoshimura.	Unexpected, Physical

​

Miyagawa Daisuke (宮川大輔)	(solo)	楽屋での密室芸 (The Closed-Door Backstage Artist)	0	10th	2nd

​

5:28:02	Safe!	Jimmy		["Yam-jelly"]: Jimmy "quits priesthood" and strips, uncovering his smelly yam-jelly dick (konnyaku) covering. Himura laughs, says Daisuke laughed as he looks down but Matsumoto rules it as after the red siren.	Absurd, Boke
5:20:39	Yellow	Jimmy, Himura, (self)		["Atsui/Itai"]: Daisuke shoots a rubber band at Jimmy's ass, Jimmy responds with "Atsui!" (It's hot!). Himura starts to tsukkomi Jimmy saying that's not right, he should say "Itai!" (It hurts!) instead. Miyagawa all along is holding it in, eventually hissing out a laugh (Matsumoto-san! Matsumoto-san!), and says Himura was laughing too but Matsumoto says the cameras didn't catch Himura.	Boke, Lost Endurance
4:17:38	Red	Jimmy, (self)		Jimmy washes his head and is soaking wet, Daisuke offers Jimmy a towel, Jimmy says No thanks, Daisuke chuckles as he responds "Why? It's just..." (... a towel.). Asked why he laughed he repeats this story over and over. He was just talking with Jimmy as he normally would and lost his concentration.	???, Boke, Lost concentration

​

Oshima Miyuki (大島美幸)	Morisantyu (森三中)	女芸人登場 (The First Female Competitor)	1	8th	9th

​

5:42:01	Yellow	(self)		Hands her panties to Jimmy, then they get examined by the group: "Do you play baseball in them or something?".	Self-destruct
4:58:21	Orange	Kotouge, Kojima	Fujimon	As the group rags on Kojima being unfunny with his wooden drum, Fujimon points out there's a "wooden drum right next to him" (Kotouge) and Kojima gets spurred to play him. Kojima thwacks Kotouge on the head with his mallet a bit too hard and Kotouge reacts in pain.	Physical
3:29:16	Red	(self), Jimmy		"A poorly written mystery:" Oshima makes Jimmy ramen. He eats it and complains it's sweet. "You put sugar in it, didn't you? Oshimaaa!" She can't hold it in. After the red card she reveals she made Jimmy's ramen half-filled with orange juice - Jimmy's still angry as she leaves.	Self-destruct, Boke, Trap

​

Himura Yuki (日村勇紀)	Bananaman (バナナマン)	笑いの有段者 (The Black Belt Comedian)	0	5th

​

5:28:02	Yellow	Jimmy		["Yam-jelly"]	Absurd, Boke, Passive
5:20:39	Safe	Jimmy, (self), Daisuke		["Atsui/Itai"]	Boke, Passive
2:01:01	Orange	Kotouge	(self), Fujimoto, Yoshimura, Saito	Fujimoto starts a sketch with his screaming mouth mask. Yoshimura joins in with his beer liker cap mask. Saito comes in with the titty cap as if it was really funny, and that turns off the pressure. Then Kotouge comes out with absolutely nothing (he wanted to join, but they already ended), and Himura laughs as he realizes Kotouge doesn't have anything.	Passive, Unexpected
1:27:56	Red	Kotouge		Kotouge does Akira 100% while getting his balls slurped by the vaccuum. On the suggestion that he do it standing on the tray, he slips and impales himself on the trunk behind him. Himura laughs when he sees the bruise that Kotouge has from it.	Physical, Passive

​

Kojima Kazuya (児嶋一哉)	Unjash (アンジャッシュ）	木偶の坊 (The Dunce)	0	9th	7th

​

4:37:54	Yellow	Jimmy, Yoshimura		["Under the konnyaku"]: Jimmy brings in the vaccuum cleaner, Yoshimura says "What if we try under the konnyaku?" and sucks up his genitals, Jimmy reacts in pain as expected. Matsumoto comes for Kojima but group says Kotouge was who they all saw, both get yellows.	Physical
4:08:07	Orange	Kotouge		Kotouge comes out wearing a chainmail helmet and proclaims "If you hit me (again), it wouldn't hurt at all". Kojima hits him again and it hurts - it didn't work at all. Matsumoto checks to see whether to give an orange (warning) or another yellow (which would mean a red), but gives him orange because he was attacking.	Physical, Rolling
3:46:45	Red	Fujimon, Kotouge	Saito	"An incredible stutter": Saito attempts a titty gag but nobody laughs and the group around the porthole point out that's all he's been trying. Kotouge gives an "unclear stutter" as he says "You only brought titties to thish sh-show..." ("お前今日、おっぱいしか（？？？）じゃない、この番組。。。” and Fujimon reacts with a "Hm?". Discussion as to whether it counts as Kotouge's point, Kojima says he laughed at Fujimon's "Hm?" reaction. Saito says he set it up but Matsumoto says it wasn't even remotely funny.	Tsukkomi, Unexpected

​

Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史)	Fujiwara (FUJIWARA）	ムードメーカー (The Moodmaker)	4	4th	6th

​

4:42:40	Yellow	Tsuda		Tsuda brings in the photo of his mom at 14 hula hooping, tells the story of her bad-smelling farts, and reveals that she was a javelin thrower. The group locks on to Fujimon and makes him look at the photo. "Textbook comedy".	Traditional
59:52	Orange	(self)	Saito	"Are 200 watts funny?": trying to do his nose hair remover and heating it up in the microwave, it isn't working. Fujimon insists it will work. Saito: Doesn't that say 200 watts? Fujimon: It only has 200 watts. Saito: 500 watts before. Fujimon: Well, this won't work... it's broken. He chuckles casually while saying that last phrase for some reason. After the card, the group repeats 200 watts to try to make Fujimoto laugh.	???, Lost Concentration
16:16	Red	Yoshimura		"Revenge of the Joyman": During the seltzer-chug challenge, Yoshimura puts Joyman on the bottom of the water bottle, getting revenge for his own orange from Fujimon.	Traditional

​

Saito Shinji (斉藤慎二)	Jungle Pocket (ジャングルポケット）	唯一無二の個性 (A Unique Character)	0	2nd (Survived, lost on points)	10th

​

4:49:37	Yellow	Jimmy		During Kojima's skit, the microwave beeps. What did you heat? Jimmy answers Strawberry candy (earlier, during Fujimon's "Cat's Eye, Dog Nose... add one more" associated word exchange with Kotouge, Jimmy answered with the complete non-sequitur Strawberry Candy). The group thought Jimmy laughed but Saito is called out for suspiciously eating bread right after that statement.	Absurd, Boke

​

Tsuda Atsuhiro (津田篤宏	Daian (ダイアン)	ナニワが抜けてない (He Still Reeks Of Old-Style Osaka)	1	6th	8th

​

4:28:29	Yellow	Jimmy		["Reshuffled"]	Boke, Verbal, Vulgar, Physical
4:00:37	Orange	(Yoshimura or Fujimon, whoever brought Joyman and laid the trap)		As Tsuda shows the picture of his silver-capped-tooth mother, he turns around and sees a trap: somebody placed Joyman's Takagi on the hula hoop. He goes "Heh!" and Matsumoto lets him off with a "any mistake and you're done, this orange card is virtually a yellow"***.	Trap, Strict
3:01:00	Red	(self), Fujimon		Laughs throughout his Masayuki Suzuki impression (Chigau, chiiii-gau, sou jya na-iii...), final laugh after Fujimon's "See you in Yoyogi" (5 o' clo...).	Self-destruct, Tsukkomi

​

Kotouge Eiji (小峠英二)	Viking (バイきんぐ)	怒り芸 (The Anger Artist)	3	1st (Survived, won on points)	4th

​

4:37:54	Yellow	Jimmy, Yoshimura		["Under the konnyaku"]	Physical, Boke
1:13:24	Orange	Fujimon	Saito	Saito tries inhaling the helium that he brought but it doesn't work for him. Fujimon shows him how it's done and says "Hello". Kotouge has a slight smirk, the group defends him (We don't want to see him expelled just for that...) and he gets an orange.	Strict, Traditional

​

Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西)	(solo)	異星からの贈り物 (A Gift From Outer Space)	9	7th	3rd

​

5:56:42	Orange***	(self)		Laughs casually as he's distributing his "crackers for friendship".	Lost Concentration
5:42:01	Yellow***	Oshima		Oshima hands her panties to Jimmy, then they get examined by the group: "Do you play baseball in them or something?". Oshima laughs but Jimmy gets caught too.	Traditional
3:21:27	Red	Fujimon		Fujimoto randomly does the Ice Bucket Challenge (after Saito spits on Kotouge's head to wash off his "hair").	Unexpected, Absurd, Immediate

FINAL WORDS:
What will we do? Thirty seconds... time for one more. It has to be... (rubber chicken sque-eak).
(Followed after final bell by 'Wait wait wait, please..." "It's over").

Season 3

Squeee... squeee squeee squeee... (Toos! Haah!)
Documental Season 3 Card Timeline
Winner: Yamamoto (2 remaining, won 1-0 on points)

Contestant	Duo Name	Catchphrase	Points	Final Rank
Kendo Kobayashi (ケンドーコバヤシ)	(solo)	無冠の嘘帝王 (An Emperor Without A Crown) / 不惑のTHEエロス (A Merciless Pervert)	2	4th

​

Time	Card	Primary Culprit(s)	Secondary Culprit(s)	Description	Category
3:40:40	Yellow	Kasuga		["Kasuga after the bell"]: They look at Kasuga's dick during the bell, but immediately after: "Can you show us again?". Kendo looks down but RG goes "bu-bu". Matsumoto comes for Kendo first "but what's the story with RG?". No time given but after the bell is 3h4040s, so I'll go with that.	Physical, Vulgar, Joins in
3:31:36	Orange	Kasuga, Goto		["Curry rice"]: Immediately after Kendo's previous card, Goto asks to try putting the curry rice in there. Kasuga does and it comes at slowly - the speed at which it's served makes him laugh, but Kasuga is said to be smiling during it as well, though I don't see it.	Physical, Vulgar
1:25:45	Red	kukky (zombie)	Date (zombie)	["Teddy Bear-chan enters"]: Date as the daddy brings out kukky's Teddy Bear-chan for the first time. Kasuga and Kendo get reds.	Absurd, Immediate, Routine

​

Goto Terumoto (後藤輝基)	Footballhour (フットボールアワー)	ツッコミスナイパー: "Comedy Sniper"	2	7th

​

5:01:01	Yellow	kukky		Laughs at kukky's "ghost photo" of Master Daisuke, particularly the green head one - "you have no respect for these veterans, it's downright rude".	Traditional, Absurd, Coup de grace, Prepared, Prop
3:47:48	Orange	(self), Iwahashi, Kasuga		"A remarkable coincidence": Kasuga shows off his pubic area and Goto calls his skin smooth (tsuru-tsuru: つるつる), and Iwahashi says "Brings back memories, right?" as he at the same time was making a paper crane (tsuru: 鶴). Goto laughs all-out but he's spared, as "I have never seen such a coincidence in my life.".	???, !!!, Unexpected
2:46:35	Red	Kendo, (self)		Kendo comes out as Yuriko Koike. Goto asks him: "Are you moving the markets to Toyosu?" the response: "Not anymore. Changed it again. Jakuzure." Goto laughs at the response: "Why would you build a fish market there?".	Impersonation, Quip

​

Akiyama Ryuji (秋山竜次)	Robert (ロバート)	千のキャラを持つ男: "The Man of a Thousand Characters"	1	5th

​

3:41:23	Yellow	Kasuga, (self)	Goto, Kendo	Kasuga shows off his privates and his impressive foreskin as Goto eats a sausage. "How can you eat while seeing that?" Goto is tasked to eat while face-to-face with Kasuga's foreskin. Kendo sits down next to him. Akiyama jumps in too but laughs - "I don't usually laugh at things like that. But his foreskin was even more impressive than I imagined". Matsmoto only gives him a yellow as "He jumped into that by himself. I take such efforts into consideration.".	Jumps In, Vulgar, Physical
3:22:47	Orange	Kasuga, Goto		Kasuga puts the mini eel bento eraser out of his foreskin. "Almost all of you were laughing. But if we go down there, there will be no end. So the guy who stood out the most is out. Akiyama." Akiyama: "I held on the whole time, but then he started clenching his body. Nobody guessed it wouldn't come out. Then he tried to push it out with while whole body, and an eel bento popped out.".	Vulgar, Physical
1:39:46	Red	Yamamoto	Kendo	During Kendo's conversation with Yamamoto about why the latter "went away", Yamamoto reveals he's been sucking on Iwahashi's pills from before, still, without chewing. 1h41m09s shown earlier. Final time.	Traditional, Unexpected

​

Kinoshita Takayuki (木下隆行)	TKO (TKO)	本気芝居入道 (True Bald Actor)	0	[2nd (Survived, lost on points)

​

2:15:21	Yellow	Iwahashi, (self)		Makes Iwahashi play his "Can do it or Can't do it?" game. The first card is Chomi from Chomi-Choko and Iwahashi insists he could "do her".	Counter, Boke
44:37	Orange	Akiyama (zombie), Kendo (zombie)		"The sweat laugh": One of the most memorable endurance trials in Documental history, the sweat laugh. Akiyama and Kendo's VIP service routine, where Akiyama is a Chinese masseuse who massages Kendo with oil and continuously offers 30-minute extensions, lymph node massages, and the "Double Dip Course", involving massaging his groin. Kendo says he's "about to blow", and Akiyama says he has to finish himself in the shower. You can hear Kendo shower in the changing room as Akiyama sings something in Chinese. All along, Kinoshita is sitting there trying to endure without laughing, to the point where he has a physical reaction and sweat pours down his face. After Akiyama starts singing, he breaks and laughs out loud.	Passive, Explosive, Lost Endurance, Vulgar, Routine

​

Kasuga Toshiaki (春日俊彰)	Audrey (オードリー)	奇怪なる節約魔獣 (A Bizarre Thrifty Monster)	6	3rd

​

3:31:36	Yellow	Kasuga, Goto		["Curry rice"]	Self-destruct, Strict
2:39:28	Orange	Akiyama		Akiyama comes out with the panty mask and the penis enlarger stretching device he got from a magazine he writes for.	Vulgar, Prepared, Prop, Absurd, Immediate
1:25:45	Red	kukky (zombie)	Date (zombie)	["Teddy Bear-chan enters"]	Absurd, Immediate, Routine

​

kukky (くっきー)	Yaseibakudan (野性爆弾)	綱渡り放送コード (Walking The Tightrope Of The Broadcast Laws) / 正真正銘最終兵器 (The Ultimate Weapon)	4	10th

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5:15:39	Yellow	Goto	Yamamoto, Kasuga, Kinoshita	The massage tappers brought by Kinoshita keep getting held by Yamamoto after Kasuga's sixpad performance. Eventually they try it on a shirtless Goto holding the "guitar" (violin), and Cookie laughs after he joins in a bit saying "bi-bi-bi".	Join in, Absurd
4:05:07	Red	Goto	(self)	Earlier Cookie gave Goto the pull tab with the mini sushi eraser (that Goto brought). Goto returned the favor by giving a pull tab with a mini curry inside. Cookie laughs full-on and gets a red.	Trap

​

RG	Razor Ramon (レイザーラモン)	進撃のあるあるシンガー (The Attack of the Observational Humor Singer) / 日本のアイアンハート (The Iron Heart of Japan)	0	8th

​

4:36:45	Yellow	(self), Cookie		RG writes UFO backwards on his forehead accidentally (because he did it in a mirror), Cookie asks "Why is ON written on your forehead" (note that UFO backwards (O=	U) sort of looks like ON).
4:34:34	Orange	Kendo?, (self)	Yamamoto	Immediately after RG's previous card, they get watermelon rinds to eat, and somebody (sounds like Kendo?) asks "Can you eat like Shimura?". RG smiles	Lost Concentration
3:40:40	Red	Kasuga		["Kasuga after the bell"]:They look at Kasuga's dick during the bell, but immediately after: "Can you show us again?". Kendo looks down but RG goes "bu-bu". Matsumoto comes for Kendo first "but what's the story with RG?". No time given but after the bell is 3h4040s, so I'll go with that.	Physical, Vulgar, Passive

​

Date Mikio (伊達みきお)	Sandwichman (サンドウィッチマン)	金髪ブタおしゃべり野郎 (Blond Chatty Pig)	0	9th

​

4:57:27	Orange	kukky		Laughs at kukky's "ghost photo" of Master Daisuke, particularly a shrunken head one. Given an orange because he laughs out loud (after saying "I can't take this" - Master Daisuke's head gets smaller and smaller).	Prop, Lost Endurance, Explosive
3:54:33	Red	(self), Kinoshita		Who broke Kinoshita's mirror. Date - you are a girl. Proof - show us your breasts. He shows his stomach - one level higher. Date smiles twice - once while showing one breast, the second time for the other. All I did was show a nipple and go "hmmph".	Self-destruct, ???, Strict

​

Iwahashi Yoshimasa (岩橋良昌)	Plus Minus (プラス・マイナス)	やってはいけない症候群 (Compulsive Behavior)	1	6th

​

4:36:45	Safe	RG, Cookie		RG writes UFO backwards on his forehead accidentally (because he did it in a mirror), Cookie asks "Why is ON written on your forehead"?. Iwahashi not carded but Matsumoto accuses him of using his condition as an excuse.	Warning
2:35:07	Orange	Kendo	(self), Yamamoto	Laughed in the middle of a normal conversation: Iwahashi says he needs to shave the side of his head but his wife can't do it. Kendo: "You have a wife?" Iwahashi: "I have a wife. And two kids." Kendo: "She must be crazy.". Iwahashi laughs because he was so relieved Yamamoto took the razor that he relaxed like in a salon.	Lost Concentration, Fun
1:50:50	Red	Kasuga	(self)	Iwahashi bring the "Strange Supplement" supposed to make you lose taste, and demonstrates it. Kasuga tries it with condensed milk, tabasco that makes him cough (though he insists it's not spicy), and mustard. The mustard also makes him cough, and Iwahashi cracks up (putting on the glasses and buck teeth), because "It was funny watching him pretend he's okay. He kept pretending. In the end he couldn't pretend". Kasuga was pretending all along.	Lost Endurance, Boke, Explosive

​

Yamamoto Keiichi (山本圭壱)	Gokuraku Tombo (極楽とんぼ)	蘇る金豚 (Resurrection of the Golden Pig)	1	1st (survived, won on points)

​

5:49:25	Yellow	(self)	(room), Iwahashi, Kinoshita	According to Matsumoto, Yamamoto was just constantly smiling for the first ten minutes due to the mood in the room: happy to be there.	Fun, Lost Concentration, Warning
5:04:03	Orange	kukky		Laughs at kukky's "ghost photo" of Master Daisuke, particularly the shrunken head one. Unusually, no time shown after so time is based on shot during Yamamoto's rampage after.	Prop

FINAL WORDS:
A series of squeaks and sighs.

Season 4

In the space between you and the sky / Today, too, a golden rain falls...
Documental Season 4 Card Timeline
Winner: kukky (4 remaining, won 4-2-1-1 on points)

Contestant	Duo Name	Catchphrase	Points	Final Rank
Nobu (ノブ)	Chidori (千鳥)	ツッコミ界のクセ強者 (The Tricky Straight Man)	0	10th

​

Time	Card	Primary Culprit(s)	Secondary Culprit(s)	Description	Category
5:40:25	Safe	Daigo, Kurochan		["Stick to your mustache"]: Kurochan drinks milk, when told by Daigo "It'll stick to your mustache" he drinks it in one gulp and it doesn't stick to his mustache. Daigo laughs first, Nobu judged safe.	Boke
5:02:50	Yellow	(self)	Fujimoto	Daigo and Nobu accidentally get into a pose that Nobu explains looks like they're "young actors doing a photoshoot". He poses with Fujimon, who shrugs him off. Nobu laughs as everyone looks at him, just from setting up the joke.	Self-destruct
3:51:53	Orange	kukky		The famous "Kaan!" laugh. kukky hands out collectible photos of Master Daisuke with obscene phrases. Nobu tries to hold it in, making goofy faces as he does, but the normal phrase "I'm gonna buy some Yomeishu" hits him "like a body blow", and he lets out a laugh with a "Kaan!" sound.	Explosive, Lost Endurance, Coup de grace, Prop
2:59:42	Red	Iio, Fujimoto		Iio pulls out his oogiri responses, and it turns into an oogiri game with Fujimoto playing support, revealing the Nishizawa's phone case of Master Sakata, "say a word for this photo" (写真で一言). After a series of attacks where Nobu gets weaker, Iio comes up with new responses (normal oogiri), the one that gets Nobu to crack is "I love you." (好きだ！).	Personal, Prop, Lost Endurance

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Itoda Jun (井戸田潤)	Speed Wagon (スピードワゴン)	同情するなら笑いくれ (If You Feel Sorry For Me, Laugh)	0	7th

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1:54:03	Yellow	Daigo	Miyasako	["The Nose"]: Miyasako makes everyone perform a gag to eat his steak. Daigo puts netting around his face with a hole cutout for the nose. "I'm here to play The Nose". Itoda and kukky checked, kukky is safe and Itoda gets a yellow for "defending himself too much like that".	Traditional, Absurd
29:56	Red	Nobu (zombie), Daigo (zombie), Miyasako		["Oh, I ended up pissing"]: Chidori performs their "ika nikan!?" standup (as Matsumoto points out, the exact same skit they performed the day before, at Lumine, at which Matsumoto's daughter laughed) naked, after which they talk about how Daigo was unable to get hard and in the end he wore a condom. Miyasako says he was afraid Daigo would end up pissing with the condom on, and Daigo says he can't piss either. As Miyasako turns away and holds in his laugher, Nobu begins pissing. Miyasako turns back around to see it and laughs hard - Itoda get caught up laughing too.	Vulgar, Unexpected

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Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史)	Fujiwara (FUJIWARA)	ガヤ永久機関 (The Perennial Supporting Commedian)	2	5th

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4:41:44	Yellow	Kurochan	(self)	Iio starts measuring in bananas, Kurochan starts performing various gags with bananas. Fujimoto eggs him on. Kurochan does a "Nipple beams, they point outwards, heart!" gag, and Fujimoto laughs because "he said outwards, but they're pointing sideways!".	Boke, Verbal
3:49	Red	Iio (zombie), Nobu (zombie)	Itoda (zombie), Miyasako (zombie)	The four zombies come in and do the fighting geezer factions skit (from 24-Hour No Laughing?), involving blowing air into Iio and Nobu's anuses. Fujimon laughs because of a combination of Iio farting (how could he do soemthing like that? after all these years (he's 48) as a pro?) and Nobu being unable to fart (if he can piss, why can't he fart?).	Vulgar, Unexpected, Absurd

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kukky (くっきー)	Yaseibakudan (野性爆弾)	芸人殺し芸人 (The Comedian Killer)	[4	1st (survived, won on points)

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5:23:42	Yellow	Fujimoto	(self)	During the group conversation on souvenirs, talking about edible chili oil. "Pengin Shokudo started it off." Cookie tries to go on the offensive by responding "Who "ur" that?" (ペンギン食堂？なんなら？). Fujimoto goes up to him and asks remember "throwable dumplings"? ("投げるシューマイって覚えてる？”), a completely made-up thing in response to the edible chili oil. Cookie laughs at the imagery.	Verbal, Unexpected, Absurd
1:54:03	Safe	Daigo	Miyasako	["The Nose"]	Traditional, Absurd

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Kurosawa Kazuko (黒沢かずこ)	Morisantyu (森三中)	歌って踊れる肉塊 (She Sings, She Dances, And She's Chubby)	1	4th (survived, lost on points)

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4:57:36	Yellow	(self), Nishizawa		Kurosawa goes around and feeds people pickled cucumbers, giving Nishizawa a "big load". He spits it out and Kurosawa laughs because it came out bigger then she expected, as he chewed it and it comes out mashed.	Self-destruct, Physical
4:51:19	Orange	(self)		"I want to pick up a man"... picks Itoda for her skit where comes home drunk and she plays the wife, but she smiles during the beginning of the skit (maybe too in character).	Self-destruct

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Daigo (大悟)	Chidori (千鳥)	荒くれハニカミ坊主 (The Bashful Ruffian)	2	9th

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5:40:25	Yellow	(self), Kurochan		["Stick to your mustache"]	Counter, Unexpected, ???
5:14:33	Orange	Miyasako		Miyasako brings out one squeaking rubber chicken, then brings out many and squeezes them all at the same time.	Prop, Absurd, Traditional
1:19:52	Red	kukky!, Kurosawa, Fujimoto, Mishizawa		The legendary foursome: Kurosawa sings, Fujimoto dances unwillingly with the gold leotard and the tattoo of his partner, Mishizawa joins in with his student looking for Puma wallet character, and finally kukky comes out as the Teddy Bear-chan, in his I <3 2 PARTY leotard. Matsumoto: "To be honest, he was laughing for a while." Daigo: "I made that face that said "What's so funny aobut this?" and kept that character.	Lost Endurance, Absurd, Passive, Warning

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Iio Kazuki (飯尾和樹)	Zun (ずん)	関根流 正統系統者 (The Legitimate Successor of the Sekine Style)	1	8th

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4:18:21	Yellow	Kurosawa		Kurosawa's Mao Daichi "Straddle Time!" ("あ！あ！お跨ぎさ！") skit, riding the rope. She continues singing it into the locker room, and the siren goes off. The contestants conclude Kurosawa laughed, but Matsumoto says it was Iio who was holding it in and could no longer. Iio says "it was the vibration on the rope when she rubbed it that got me".	Routine, Lost Endurance
2:23:22	Orange	(self)	Fujimoto, Kurosawa	Fujimoto places an (apricot pit?), Iio adds tabasco, Kurosawa picks it up with her mouth. What follows is a cycle of many members sucking it up and spitting it down. Iio sucks it up and is caught laughing, explaining "It was so slimy, I nearly vomited.".	Physical, Join in
1:04:54	Red	Miyasako		Miyasako comes out with a hard-on: "Who left this porn magazine here? In the middle of a serious battle?" The ability to get a hard-on in this situation impresses everyone, but Iio is the one whose face laughs.	Vulgar, Physical, Routine

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Nishizawa Yusuke (西澤裕介)	Daian	不可思議ポーカーフェイス (The Mysterious Poker Face)	1	3rd (survived, lost on points)

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3:42:57	Yellow	Miyasako	(self)	Nishizawa gives out phone cases with Yoshimoto masters, one of which is Master Osamu. Miyasako tells the story of how Master Osamu has an elevator in his house that's super slow. Have you ever been there? Goes like this... and imitates it. "Most natural laugh yet".	Personal

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Kurochan (クロちゃん)	Yausda Dai Circus (安田大サーカス)	ドッキリ日本記録保持者 (The Most-Pranked Comedian in Japan)	2	2nd (survived, lost on points)

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56:44	Yellow	kukky	Itoda, (self)	kukky is cleaning up Itoda's piss (after the members try to figure out what Kurochan's weak at and he replies with dirty jokes, like touching somebody's balls, and Itoda pisses after the stimulation of Miyasako touching his balls (and Fujimon beginning a chorus of Sora to kimi to no aida). Cookie cleans it up and Kurochan hands him one sheet of a paper towel. Cookie complains "Don't just hand me one sheet! If you hand me just one sheet I'll get piss on my hand" and Kurochan smiles as he thinks "Yeah, he'll get piss on him".	Lost Concentration, Tsukkomi, Verbal, ???

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Miyasako Hiroyuki (宮迫博之)	Ameagari (ダイアン)	決死のオフホワイト芸人 (The Not-So-Faithful Do-Or-Die Comedian)	3	6

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2:12:20	Yellow	kukky	Daigo	kukky puts on his Shinya Yamamoto makeup. Starts playing with Daigo, "the distance between Sigourney Weaver and the alien". kukky's skit involves acting slowly, playing with his dentures, putting them in Daigo's mouth, putting on sunglasses, pulling out a banana, putting the dentures in Daigo's mouth... the room is tense, but Miyasako is the first to break when kukky nibbles the tip of the banana but it comes out intact: "He didn't even get one bite!".	Lost Endurance, Coup de grace, Absurd, Passive
29:56	Red	Nobu (zombie), Daigo (zombie), Miyasako		["Oh, I ended up pissing"]	Vulgar, Unexpected, Explosive

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FINAL WORDS:
COOKIE: "Is it really your anus?" （本当肛門に入れてる？） KUROCHAN: He mimicked me. (何か真似した。。。)

I decided to take a solo trip to Palm Springs this past weekend and I decided to use Mister B&B thinking it would be a good experience. Welp, it went horribly, but let me preface by saying that this was not Mister B&B's fault at all, it was all my hosts fault.
So Saturday morning rolls around and i wake up to a text from the host saying he removed the check-in time and I can come in anytime i wanted, I decided to get there by 12 just to be safe and I'm thankful that i did. Because when i got there at 12 I realized the place required codes to get inside and I was not provided with any codes whatsoever and no mention of it on the listing or any follow ups by the host, so I decided to call and text my host, no luck. Called him around 8 times leaving 5 minutes for him to call back. I tried to be as patient as possible in the 95 degree weather for nearly 45 minutes.
I decided to go get some food and hope he'd call me while i'm eating, nope no luck. I go back to the place at 2 and knock on the door and call/text him, no answer at all. I contact Mister B&B Support and they were no help because they couldn't get a hold of him either and they weren't provided with any info by the host for how the guest can access in case he wasn't able to answer. At this point i'm getting stressed and annoyed because I had a pool party that I paid for in advance ($70 btw, so i wasn't going to miss it) and it started at 12 and ends at 6. By this point it is 2:30, giving me little time to nap and shower before i go to the event. So i decide to resort to last option and rented a motel 6 and as soon as i stepped in the motel room I regretted the decision because it stank like cigarettes and excess amount of a spray to cover up the smell. Right after I get my motel 6 refunded, my host responds to my text at 3:30 saying "hey sorry your place was rented out, but i'm ready for you now. Your code is the last 4 digits of your phone number." I was so confused as to why he said the place was rented out because it wasn't. So i finally get to his place and he greets me at the door with his friend.
When i got into the place I was able to smell the alcohol from his breath and he started apologizing profusely saying how sorry he was about the whole mixup and that he would do anything to make up for it and then continued to say that if anything went wrong blame it on my friend. I'm just annoyed at this point and want this all to be behind me and say its okay. He then takes my hand and says i want to show you off to the rest of the guests in the place and takes me to the pool area where theres like 6 other people outside, 2-3 outside of the pool naked (it was clothing optional) and a few inside the pool. He then proceeds to tell everyone "Hey guys this is the handsome guest i was talking to you guys all about." I just said thank you and told him to show me my room. Once we get to my room he starts to apologize to me again and says "I'm so sorry, youre such a handsome beautiful man. Sorry if it was a bad start to your trip." His friend pulled him and said thats enough and apologized on his behalf. As his friend was pulling him out the room, he gai
I decide to take a look around the room and test out the bed and holly hell was that the most uncomfortable bed ever, if you can even call it that. Because this bed was a freaking couch turned into a bed with a piece of wood under one side to keep it standing up. I was only able to sleep on one side because the other side was being held by pieces of wood and solid as a rock, the floor would've been more comfortable to sleep on. Mind you I'm 6'6 so i need as much of the bed i can use and this was not cutting it for me. I showered and started getting ready for the pool party and noticed it is 4:30 already, but decided to go anyways. By the time i got there, the party was pretty much over with because everyone wanted to get energized for the night parties. I decided to go to the night party and luckily found a guy to take me back to his place and we hooked up and i asked him if i can sleep on his bed for a little because i was extremely tired. I got back to my place at 4 lol.
The booking was only for a day as i was trying to do my first ever solo trip and had plans back at home for a friends birthday. The host took off the clock out time in an attempt to make up for the shitshow i had to deal with. I was so pissed at this host i just wanted to get out of the place and got on the road at 9.
I collected all my receipts (screenshots of texts and my attempts of calling him) and sent it all to Mister B&B this afternoon and the person on the phone felt so bad for me that they already processed a refund for me and removing his listings until the case is resolved.

SBI but mostly bedrockbros.
Apocalypse Stories all SbI, Tommy-centric, or BedrockBros.
I'll put down my roots when I'm dead
“I had a little brother. He’s dead.” Wilbur mumbled, and Phil’s heart squeezed. “I’m sorry, mate.” he said. Wilbur swallowed. “It’s fine. It was a while ago.” “How long ago, if you don't mind me asking?” Wilbur looked back at Phil. “A month.” Phil’s eyes widened. He inhaled sharply. That's not a while ago.
or
SBI in a zombie apocalypse
Endure and Survive
Short but is a mix of bedrock bros, Technodad, and Ranboo. It's short and sweet.
“You’re lyin’ to me,” the man said before Tommy could walk out the door. “Aren’t you? I know most groups scoutin’ the area around here, but none of them had a kid with them last time I checked. Unless your group’s not from around here and you 'wandered off' a bit further than anticipated—”
“Fuck off,” Tommy interrupted. “I don’t want to join your stupid group so you can stop trying to talk me into it. I’m better off on my own, anyway.” The man blinked at him, his mouth hung slightly open, but no words came out.
“I’m not part of any group. I’m on my own, too,” the man answered. “You just…you remind me of myself,” he added quietly. Tommy had to strain his ears to hear it.
Or: Tommy and Ranboo are, respectively, suffering during the apocalypse. Techno takes them under his wing.
Brain Dead in the Apocalypse
“Shush, old man. Quiet.” He hissed out, “I’m going for a… walk. I’ll find you two later. Thanks, for- uh, taking care of me, I guess? But also you overstepped my boundaries, like by a thousand times. So I’d appreciate it if you fucked off.” He crossed his arms, letting his bat lean against his leg as he leveled them all with a glare.
“You liked it when I was carrying you—“ Techno, like the fucking bitch he was, decided to throw onto the table. His lips pulled up into a smug smile as Tommy recoiled backwards, feeling his cheeks flush.
“Y-you’ve got it wrong! I fucking hate you, and Phil! The only reason I've stuck around this long is to grace the two of you with my company! I take it all back, neither of you are my idols and I hate you fucking bitches and I never want to see your ugly faces again—“ Tommy rambled, his voice going a couple of pitches higher against his will. Fucking puberty.
“But you said I was your favorite?” Techno innocently asked, “You never acted like this whenever I hold you while you shiver away, clinging onto me like a little baby bird.”
Or Tommy is an infamous villain who attracts the attention of the Syndicate in the apocalypse.
BDITA is one of my top three apocalypse fics because I really don't like zombie apocalypse fics normally. I usually hate them. But BMAF Tommyinnit in a zombie apocalyptic, I at least have to give it a chance and read it.
These are the other ones that are in my top three.
Forged in Blood and Bones
Tommy was just an orphan when the fucking zombie apocalypse hits. He doesn't expect to find a family during end-times, but here we are.
I can't choose which of the two come in slot two. But I'm leading towards "Thats my kid" it's definitely one of the best and the author doesn't give themselves enough credit.
That's my Kid, That's my Sunrise
When the apocalypse started Tommy thought he was going to die the first week. Turns out he lasted longer and with a little companion with him. Or Tommy and shroud the spider but add some angst (of course fluff as well)
[Rough start btw! My writing has improved since then I swear!]
I don't feel like it has a rough start, but it's good
Tainted Love
Thomas Theseus Innit was only 5 when the zombie apocalypse started, 7 when his parents both lost their lives to the weirdly smart and athletic zombies.
Now here he was; after years of surviving on his own, wondering if his decision to go into this strangely abandoned city was a good one.
Especially since the place holds a few walkers way too sentient for his liking, and why won’t they leave him alone? Or His awakening wasn't so peaceful.
The first thing he noticed was that burning feeling that clung to his skin the moment he entered the city.
Like he was being watched.
Then he realized how dark it was. It must still be night, but the soft moonlight that acted as his only comfort was now gone, replaced by a tall shadow. Tommy was confused for a moment, until the shadow moved.
He was up in an instant, whipping around to look at the bedroom window behind him.
There, squating on the apartment buildings fire escape, was a zombie.
It was right up against the glass, rapid breath causing it to fog from its proximity.
It’s blood shot eyes staring right at him.
SBI Zombie Apocalypse AU
This is a Sleepy Bois Inc and Co Zombie Apocalypse au. Basically I write out my interpretation of events that happen in the au and we vibe. They may be a little out of character but shrugs they probably act different in an apocalypse anyway let me live.
The description for the two part series is kinda shit but the actual stories aren't bad at all and are a good read. Again typically hate any and all apocalypse stories but I can read a decent amount.
All the lonely people
Two people lost after the end of the world. One is a boy, confused and scared, missing his older brother and only guardian. The other is a man, on the edge of losing his mind. Together they find each other and find what they are missing. Family.
My favorite duo Bedrock bros, but technodad/dadnoblade version, I've read all 150 tabs of Technoblade & Tommyinnit (Video Blogging RPF) No regrets I do it every couple of weeks because there are always new ones.
Big boys don't cry (even when they should
Hack, slash, hide. Technoblade was quite an expert at this whole apocalypse thing already. It was some time already after all.
Maybe six years? At least three since he had to start gathering things by himself. But Technoblade was proud to be the Provider in his little family. Heaven’s know that Wilbur wouldn’t be able to do half the shit Techno was doing.
Or: Technoblade centric zombie au. I promise, it's a GOOD ENDING, and no, Techno does not die
Honestly no my favorite read but it's still good and could be to someone else's taste. It's just not mine.
Zombie hunting is not an approved camp activity
Building a zombie apocalypse team is hard work, they have to be ready for absolutely anything the apocalypse can throw at them.
So when the apocalypse arrived, Technoblade was displeased to discover his team consisted of himself, three 13 year olds with exactly zero life preservation skills, and a broken figurine of an obscure comic book hero lovingly named Micheal.
When a zombie eventually takes him out, he's going to fist fight whoever decided that these were fair odds.
AKA Techno is a moody teen who hates kids but there's an apocalypse and suddenly he's in charge of three of them, they are the bane of his existence but they are also so small and he would die before he lets them get hurt.
10 out of 10 would recommend. This was a nice long one shot that is absolutely worth the read and probably a reread.
Vampire/Fledgling stories
What did he think about the blood
It's a series called kind smiles accompanied by crimson eyes.
They were one family of sadistic fucks, and that warmed Phil's heart.
OR
Wilbur takes his little brother hunting for the first time.
Behind the restaurant
Tommy's Sir decided to leave him, so now he gets his own food. And so one evening, Past the place where he usually steals from people, a strange looking rich pink-haired man walks, This is Tommy's best chance to earn his own food in weeks.
Or Tommy lives on the street and steals from everyone he sees, until he stumbles upon a rich vampire who seems to know where his Sire is.
Short and sweet story that I recommend if you're looking for a quick read.
I'll send my best regards
It's a 3 part series that I also highly recommend.
New Child Acquired
The Land of His Brothers
Tommy held his breath, his eyes squeezing shut. His feet were placed back on the ground, the hand loosed on his neck, hovering there, barely touching...
He opened his eyes, and looked up at the creature. It was staring at him, he couldn’t make out the emotion on its human-like face. Its golden eyes glistened, piercing, as they met eye to eye.
Finally, after a long moment it spoke, “Hullo.”
Or
There's a lack of Vampire fics in this Fandom and some of ya'll need some good parental figures in your lives.
The ending kinda sucks but it's an ending none the less and over all its a good read.socks.
What Are We Waiting For
“This is probably the worst cell they’ve tried to keep me in,” Tommy says out loud, mostly to himself. The other vampire at least shifts like he heard Tommy.
“I mean really, they’ve got you all chained up, but what about me? You’re big and all, but I doubt you could take me in a fight. I’m the best and biggest man out there, nothing can compare. You would really think that people would learn from their mistakes,” Tommy sighs. He pulls his knees up to his chest and sets his head on them. The humans had interrupted his sleep.
“I don’t think you could beat me in a fight,” the other vampire says after a minute, his voice sounding rough. It’s almost like he had been screaming.
“No, I definitely could. It’s not even a competition,” Tommy says, puffing his chest out. That one earns him a soft snort.
New Moon
“I need your help to kill a vampire,” He mumbles under his breath, his chest rapidly taking in air as his heart pounds in his chest, “Alright? There. Now let me go.”
Techno hums, his hands slowly unwrapping from around his neck, though one lingers. He pushes his chin up with one hand, trialing a finger down his neck with the other. Tommy shivers at the touch, being reminded that the guy in front of him is a fucking vampire.
“Who, little witch?” He croons, goosebumps running up along his arms as Techno stops at his pulse point, no doubt feeling how fast his heart was beating.
Or Tommy is a lonely witch that falls right into the hands of three waiting vampires.
It was one of the better vampire stories and a worth it read plus it's part of a series of different stories.
Soulmate-Alternate Universe
Soul Paint
Tommy remembered a time when his skin was painted with the marks of those, he knew, loved him. Until the day he realized they faded.
Exile Canon Divergence fic, where Tommy realizes the soul marks, shared with his family and friends, have disappeared. He’s convinced he’s become unlovable. His family tries to fix that.
Smoke fills the lungs
Dandelions represented rebirth, the first sign of life that sprouted after a harsh winter. So Tommy couldn't help but believe as those same petals spilled from his mouth that maybe he needed to die before he was someone worthy of love.
Or Exile BedrockBros Soulmate/Hanahaki AU
This is one of my favorite soulmate fics. It does include hanahaki in it, my guilty pleasure is Hanahaki, Major character death. Or neglected Tommyinnit fics.
I will look for you as the sun rises higher
What is your heart's true desire?
What is it that you really want?
The question was asked too often by people that the gods decided to lend an ear.
Thus, soulmates were created.
OR
MCD March prompt #15: 'Hold still' with bedrockbros
Another favorite I recommend to read. It's short and sweet.
Withered Feathers
Tommy is a crime fighting vigilante by night. By day, he's a tired café worker. He ignores the wither rose and feather on his back. It's not important, his soulmates will come when they come. He needs to focus. The Syndicate is an ever looming threat for his vigilante persona. And his life outside of it is complicated as a nearing-adult pretending to be almost 20.
This story definitely could have put more focus on the soulmate aspect and be more descriptive in my opinion but it's not a bad read.
You're on your own kid )you always have been)
6,000 words and absolutely one of my if not my favorite bedrockbros soulmate fics. It's a good read and I've reread it a million times.
Branded Hearts and Golden Anchors
Everyone had at least one soulmate in Tommy’s world and everyone, par a select few, yearned for the day that words would begin to appear across their body, showing just what their soulmate thought of them, after all it showed only if it was utterly and completely true in their heart. It was how you knew you had met them because nobody could form a proper opinion of someone they had never met, right?
Yet maybe some could.
When Tommy was born, pink and screaming, a singular word scrawled across his heart, it’s ink black and damning with promise.
Mine.
OR: A possessive SBI soulmate AU
It gets dark towards the end, like real dark but not exactly dead dove do not eat. But in my opinion if you're more sensitive you might think that should be a tag.
As God Looks On in Abject Apathy
Technoblade was the blood god, he had no need for a soulmate. He fought and he killed without discrimination, he was something unholy, something monstrous, something made from blood. He had no need for weakness, for a soulmate.
Tommy dies on the battlefield. He dies young and bloody, with no soulmark, no soulmate.
Another favorite probably equal or more of a favorite than "you're on your own (you always have been)" highly recommend.
I Loved You Like The Sun
It had been hard, at first. To accept that they wanted him.
That he wanted him.
But they would wait as long as it took.
Tommy was theirs after all.
Or
(Platonic) SoulmateAu with AngelDuo fluff.
Oh, and TwinsDuo are there.
And it's a FosterAu.
It's so cute and is about angel duo and I just can't help but like it.
Brave face, talk so lightly, hide the truth
Tommy's never been real big on the whole soulmate thing, if he does have a soulmate they're probably not a huge fan of him due to the times he gets punched in the face or runs into tables. What he doesn't expect is his foster-brother, Wilbur, to be his soulmate.
Tommy’s eyes land on Wilbur, “Your soulmate is probably being abused.”
Tommy gets to watch the blood run out of Wilbur’s face, and how he goes deathly pale in about five seconds.
“Huh?” Wilbur whispers.
Crimeboys soulmate au + foster au. This is another favorite duo of mine, although nothing compares to my addiction for bedrockbros. Highly recommend but trigger warning includes talks of abuse and bullying.
Please don't fine me (I'm not ok)
Tommy does not breathe and he does not laugh and he does not swear. Tommy is not the harsh cry of a fledgling eagle soaring over the brisk mountain tops. Tommy is not the wind teasing the tall aspen, Tommy is not the babbling brook in the morning sun. Tommy is not life itself and he is not nothing at once.
Or at least, not anymore.
or: a c!bedrock bros hanahaki soulmate au with plenty of allium duo fluff as well <3
Has my top two favourite duos. Also this story has a special place in my heart always making me eye water. No I don't cry over stories! You're crying over stories!
Building Bonds
Tommy had been in the foster system since he was six, and every family he had been placed with since then turned him away within a couple months for being a "problem child". The only thing that had kept him going was the pale yellow band around his wrist and the bond that was connected to it.
Only, he hadn’t seen his soulmate in over two years and now he was standing in front of a new house, once again preparing to be thrown out within the month.
A little bedrock, a little angel duo, and lots of past trauma for Tommy. This is crime boy soulmate+foster au. Tommy and Wilbur are separated as Wilbur aged out of the system.
To Be Hesitant of Acceptence
Hey Tommy," he said, cheerfully. "Clocking in, big man?" he tilts his head, offering a smile.

"Yep, you clocking out, boss man?" he hiked his bag higher on his shoulder.

"Yep. Was gonna work overtime but my schedule changed at school again. Wil should be here though if you wanna bother him."

"Oooh, I might." He started to walk back to the employee area before he turned on his heels. "Tell Boob Boy and Yellowed that we still gotta do the thing."

Tubbo rolled his eyes. "Very specific, Tommy. And I will."

Or Tommy works in a store in a world where everyone has soulmate identifying marks at 18. Follow this short journey where he finds his soulmates and his reaction. Bad summary, but I promise the fic is good.
Classic Tommy being iffy about soulmates ans running away when he meets his soulmate. The amout of soulmate au, where he doesnt think he deserves one, has one, or doesn't want one is in so many fics
Paint me in colors (I can no longer see)
It was expected, everyone had soul mates and every one of them left a mark the first time they touched you. A brush of color to remind you that you are loved and loved back. It was human. Tommy loved without restraint and by the tender age of ten he had the habit of marking everyone he touched, and they stuck.
This is an angsty story. That all I have to say
I saw you on the train last night (and I just walked on by)
Platonic Soulmate AU CrimeBoys Edition
Wilbur soot is stuck in a time loop. The only way out of it is to find his “soulmate”.
Well, Wilbur doesn’t believe in soulmates.
TLDR: Time loop shenanigans with Wilbur Soot
I personally usually hate timeloop stories, but I make an exception for soulmate timeloops. Good read definitely recommend it. Crime boys soulmates au.
Forged in Love
"So don’t fucking underestimate me, Blade. Adults tend to forget that kids don’t exactly have strong morals to get what they want.” Techno stared down into the baby blue eyes, a familiar spark of thrill reaching his heart, the same spark he felt when he first met Phil.
“I doubt you have an extra mending book laying around.” Are you truly worthy of my curiosity?
“I actually do, prick.” Fuck. You.
—
Tommy may seem harmless at first glance, but Phil and Techno know otherwise. To be a gemsmith, a person who connects soulmates, is not a profession for those who are docile.
But Tommy is intriguing at first glance. Always talking, always moving, always challenging them. So they stick around. Not too long though, they have two other soulmates to find, but long enough to develop their relationship beyond customer and shopkeeper.
If only they realized why they were developing this relationship in the first place before the Hunters came knocking on Tommy’s shop.
Or
Local child is snarky enough to catch two war General’s attention and it escalating from there
This is one of my favorite longer soulmate stories and a very good read. I highly recommend it and on my opinion it's one of the better multi-chapter soulmate stories. Not better than "As God Looks On in Abject Apathy" in my opinion.
My Bond and My Enemy
Tommy is ready to visit the city on his own, without his coven following him. It's been five years since he's turned, so he thinks it's only fair. It's during this outing that he meets Technoblade.

OR
Soulmate AU, based on the prompt (SPOILERS) "Platonic soul mates except its a vampire who finds out their soul mate is either a Werewolf or vampire hunter" by bberry
A good read, short yet with a decent amount of words. Good choice if your looking for a quick read that's not a oneshot.
The chances for meeting your soulmate are slim but never zero
Tommy had three soulmates. He had named them Crow, Note and Poem according to the way he can identify them. Yet why must they be so hard to find? How is he meant to not doubt fate when he was already 16 and had not found his soulmate?
——————————
Or: Tommy doubts the red string of fate, therefore fate sends him off on a trip of chance to find his soulmates in different places. Who would have known an arcade would be the place he’d find his first?
It's cute SBI soulmates and absolutely worth the read and I love it and it has Technoblade meeting Tommy in person. It pulls on my heartstrings because they never got to do that IRL.
Sanguine Souls
The world hates soulmates.
It’s a contradictory thing, there are very good and very valid reasons for it despite how alluring the concept of soulmates is. It must be nice. Imagine someone fated for you to trust forever, to behold, in every waking moment, with lingering thoughts and associations about happiness and goodness and everything that should be lovely in any sort of relationship between two people. It’s a beautiful concept.
Too beautiful.
Technoblade blinks. There’s a familiar sound from the television. He looks up, and he sees the familiar flash of reds and blues on the television screen with a dreadful set of words underneath it.
‘SOULMATES CONFIRMED. ONE DECEASED.’

~+~
OR Soulmate AU where An Encounter with Death is a necessary requirement, according to the laws of the universe, to confirm who your soulmate is. Technoblade and Wilbur had gotten the wrong message one time, but the world corrects that when Tommy runs into them.
OR OR Twinsduo angst to give rise to Bedrock bros until it somehow turns into Neapolitan Trio in the ending. PROMPT: soulmate wasn't who they thought they would be
Tommy is Tommy, Techno is srubborn and denying the truth. Wilbur is just... angsty with bedrockbros soulmates in the mix. Good read I recommend and this is one of my top ten soulmate recs.
Gentle people (with flowers in their hair)
In a world where soulmates existed, Tommy didn’t want anything to do with it.
When he was eight, his father left Tommy’s mother, because he didn’t really want to marry her, but the universe forced his hand.
Now, he was sixteen, and staring with wide eyes as Wilbur Soot gestured wildly, revealing flowers on his arm identical to the ones Tommy had concealed before the stream.
or, Tommy doesn't want one soulmate, never mind three
Classic Tommy not wanting a soulmate because he's tramitized by his parents being horrible soulmates and not working.
Fae
the wild hunt of old (will bring something new)
Tommy could feel his presence behind him, keeping his mouth shut as a hand reached over, grasping the hand that had him in a grip, cutting the boy off from his words, like he had stolen them from his mouth himself.
“Who did this to you Theseus?” Muted gasps were shared as the drumming and whispers were joined by the howls of the hounds.
“All of them.” He whispered sadly, eyes unable to look away from the looks of hatred and betrayal. But there was no pity for them. They had made their beds and he knew that Techno would make them lie in them.

Tommy found his home in the forest. However his treatment from his own home will be their undoing when the Fae King unleashes the Wild Hunt.
Absolutely my favorite fae fic and a top 3 fic ever my ao3 list. Possessive Technoblade is there and is a little dark but nowhere close to dead dove do not eat. I could probably recite most if not all of this story.
Follow the golden hair and sapphires that stare back
"I know how to get there, I'm not the one lost, you are." The kid exclaims and Wilbur humours him. He knows kids like to put on a brave face although this kid seems to be pretty good at it.
"Oh yeah? Well, I guess you gotta help me out huh?"
The enthusiastic nod that follows is worth it as the kid jumps around like he's got too much energy in his tiny body.
"I will, but only if you do one thing." The kid says, almost seriously as he puts up a one finger.
Wilbur crouches fully now, hands still on his knees still.

"Oh yeah and what's that?"

The kids smile turns sweet as he rocks on his heels and folds his arms behind his back.
"Can I know your name?" He asks sweetly, like a kid asking for some sweets before bed. There's a fight going on in his head. A small part saying no but the bigger says what's the harm?
It's just a kid.
"I'm Wilbur."
Or
Wilbur cuts through a park to get home. Doesn't look where he's going and then, pop, he's in the world of the fae. It's part of a fae series where Tommy tricks sbi. Good read and super worth it.
Bullied by fae
The fae scrunches his nose and huffs, "I'm gonna send you to my brother so he can bully your ass and get you into our realm, dick'ead."
Techno only hums, sliding his basket down from his arm, to his hand, "Yeah kid, send me to big brother."
Or;
Techno meets fae!Tommy. He's not really how he pictured fae to be
It's just funny and makes me smile and it's Tommy being Tommyinnit but fae. Techno being Techno. Looking for somthing short and funny this is it.
Nectar and Blood
Blade had a quiet life.
Nothing out of the ordinary happened to him – which is why it came as such a shock when a boy walked into the smithy.
Blade could feel the difference in the boy before he ever laid eyes on him. He could feel the way the already warm forge seemed to burn brighter in the presence of the creature that just stepped in.
And of course, the sight of the fae – even dressed down to fit in with the townspeople more, they stuck out like a sore thumb. The boy's hair was shaped into perfect, shining golden curls. Their eyes shone as blue as the summer skies, and even their relatively drab brown clothing was perfectly clean, free of any mud or dust from the streets.
Blade paused in his work, enough to give a polite greeting. Whether they were inside a faerie ring or not, the fae always worked by the same rules. Such rules had been imprinted into Blade’s mind before he had ever been allowed to step outside of his family's home.
Tommys good at using Technos desire and affection against him. One of the good fae fics.

Well that was disturbing. IF you did read the last chapter, now then the only place left to go is insanity and I’m pretty sure we have arrived. I hope you all enjoy this next one! Also this chapter is a bit insane. Mainly caused by one individual that was mentioned long ago. This fanfic is based off the fanfic The isolationists, by Seeyouon_otherside. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
Memory Transcript Subject: Lieutenant Colonel Leminarc, Zeyzel of the wanderer fleet.
“So what’s the supply situation?”
Captain Leiejaa flipped through her pad “Admittedly sir it could be worse, we have been going through our supply at a slower rate than expected this past week since we joined the others but it’s still bad. We’ve got about half a year left of supply for all ships and crew IF we ration, and. That’s not counting Alvaro, since he needs to eat a lot more than us. Counting him…we have a little less than a year, not bad, not great.” She then flipped over a few more pages. “The good news is that Alvaro’s movies, TV shows, and video games have drastically improved morale,” I raised an eyebrow when I noticed her ‘scooby-doo’ pin and the 'Vault-girl' patch on her uniform, “and his idea about using solar panels that we found in that federation shipwreck has decreased power consumption by twenty five percent. Also Steve’s idea to put those catch things on the engines actually gives us some raw metals to work with. Meaning metals aren’t that big of a supply issue right now.”
“Who is Steve?” I asked
She flipped through to the crew log. “One of the janitors, he’s been pretty helpful in coming up with ideas to save power and resources.”
I nodded, then groaned at the realization I just had. “We need to find a place to re-sock our fleet. But I don’t know this area well.” Turning to my nav officer I asked “We’re are we?”
After a few quick checks on his monitor he replied with surprise in his voice. “Close to what the federation considers mapped space, bordering Human space as well.”
“Wait, when did we get here?”
“A day ago. We are just outside the space dividing the line between Human space and what the Federation considers their territory. I would advise against going any farther
“Contact the rest of the fleet make sure-”
\BEEP-WHA**
The hell was that? I looked towards the coms station to see where that came from.
\BEEP-WHA**
Captain Leiejaa suddenly got this very distant look on her face.
“Captain, are you alright?”
“No, no it can’t be.”
“Can’t be what Captain Leiejaa? Talk to me.”
She ran over to the coms station and listened to the sound again.
\BEEP-WHA**
She then pulled out her pad and clicked on something, \BEEP-WHA**, the same exact noise.
“Sir you remember that signal my team was working on before I officially joined you?”
“I do, why?”
“Sir…this is that signal…and I got a source on it!”
I called the Shredder immediately. “Shredder, this is the Oro’ do you copy?”
“I do Oro’ what’s going on?”
“We are picking up a signal that my crew was tracking before we joined you. We just got a lock on its origin.”
“Hmmm, do you think there could be supplies for us all?
“That’s a good possibility, and we don’t exactly have a lot of options either.
After a brief moment of silence a response came over the com’. “Alright let’s investigate. We do this slowly and safely.
The fleet then primed their FTL engines and jumped to the signal source. After a brief moment of silence my log officer spoke up.
“Um, sir, this isn’t a signal, this is a compressed data file.”
Captain Leiejaa turned around in surprise. “It’s a what?!”
“A compressed data file. Look, you can see the data itself.”
“How did my team miss this?” Leiejaa said with a combination of shock and surprise.
“It’s because we’re so close to the signal's location now captain. our log office replied, “if we had picked it up over any other distance it would have been garbled nonsense.”
I consider something for a moment. “Can you open it?”
“Yes I can, give me a second.”
After the log officer fiddled with the data for a bit he was able to de-compile it.
“It’s ready sir. They’re audio files sir.”
“Alright, play them.”
“Playing now.
“TURN BACK IT'S MAD! MAD!”
“ALL FEDERATION FORCES RETREAT! DO NOT ENGAGE THIS…THING! AHHHHH!”
“THIS IS THE ATOMICGUN FLEET! WE NEED BACK UP! I REPEAT WE NEED…”
“ITS MORE INSANE THAN THE ARXUR! IT'S..IT'S LOOKING AT US RUN! RUN AWAY!
“THIS IS AN SOS PLEASE ANYONE HELP”.
“IT HACKED OUR WEAPONS SYSTEMS! ALL OF THEM. ITS FORCING US TO ATTACK THE OTHERS! AHHH!
“IT JUST HACKED INTO OUR FTL DRIVE! ITS TURNING IT ON! NONONO!”
Hundreds of SOS’s, retret orders, cries for help, just came flooding in, all Federation, what the hell is going on?!
“Sir coming out of FTL now!”
We dropped out and…I dropped my pad, there were just…thousands of warships. It was a sea of shipwrecks so thick it was hard to see past, and bodies. What happened here?
We made our way through the sea of debris. Bumping into bodies and smaller debris as they bounced off of our shields, the Oro’ led the charge since about 23% of the front of the ship is solid metal. Which allowed us to ram enemy ships with little to no damage. Or to clear debris fields in this case.
The damage to these ships was bizarre. Some appeared to be completely intact then for scans to show that they were just hollow, everything but the shell just gone. Others were turned inside out. Others had their back ends just gone or so stretched that it looked like gum, we’re there FTLS would be located...some were just demolished. The dead bodies showed very similar damage.
“Sir!” A scanner crew man spoke up. “There are ships of every combat class imaginable here!
“We’re nearing the center sir. Where the signal is coming from.”
The debris got more dense the farther we went in, forcing the other ships to fall in line behind us. I heard a door open and close behind me.
“Hello everyone what’s…MARY JOSEPH WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?” And there’s Alvaro.
“Your guess is as good as mine buddy.”
We continued to look in awe and horror as we passed through. Then we broke through and saw an empty part of space. In the middle of that space was a Federation space station type I had never seen before.
“Does anyone have any idea what type of station that is?”
“Oh no…”
I looked to my left to see Sergeant first class Anax.
“You know this station?”
He nodded and looked extremely uncomfortable.
“Before I became Alvaro’s caretaker I was part of a crew looking for this place. This is the medical station, I use the term medical station VERY loosely, Mortem. This was more of an experimentation station, they would bring captured Arxur and federation citizens, that had that so-called predator disease, here. They did horrible things to them. Experimentation's, cross species breeding, forced evolution, literally sewing one species body parts onto another, and way way worse. This whole place was a madhouse. We were tasked with finding it so if we ever went to war we could immediately find this place and destroy it. It wouldn’t surprise me if you, Alvaro, and Aurora were still in captivity you would have been brought here.”
“Hmmm, it doesn’t look operational any more.”
“SIR! We’re being hailed!”
“By who?”
“The station sir!”
The station?!?!
“Answer it! I want to know who this is! Tell the others to get into battle formation.”
“Yes sir!”
The video opened and all I was met with was a giant red mechanical eye.
“AHAHAHAHAH! LOOK AT WHAT IT ISSSSS! A NEW PREDATOR SPECIES? OOHHHHHH AHHAHAHAHHA! This should be INTERESTING. I AM THE DISCIPLE OF CHAOS, SLAUGHTER OF THOSE WHO HARM CHILDREN FOR FUN. YOU! Who are YOUUUUU!!?! MEEEEHHAHAHAHHAHA!?
“Wait a second, I know that voice.” Alvaro said. “Choking Hazard?”
The eye stopped its rant and focused on Alvaro, then it stepped back. Wait…it’s a Venlil! A very augmented Venlil. It had wires and tubes coming out of its head and going into some kind of small mech suit that had a cannon on either arm and extremely sharp claws. One of its eyes was replaced with a very overly exaggerated red robot eye. Half of its fur was burned off by what appeared to be acid, its lower jaw was completely removed and instead had some sort of speaker. It had no teeth on its upper jaw. One of its ears was replaced with some sort of artificial ear, and its other had even more wires coming out of it. Its head was the only visible organic part of it.
“Alvaro…is that you?!?” The speaker squawked.
“Yes buddy it is!”
It stopped for a moment before emitting an ear splitting screech and started to run around the room it was in like a lunatic while cackling like a madman, which it probably was, knocking over chairs, books, papers, and anything else in its way. It did this for about a minute before returning to the camera.
“ITS AHAHAHHAHAH YOU! AHAHHAHAHAHAH! I MISSED YOU HUMANS, YOU WERE ALL SO SUPPORTIVE OF MY MODDING OF MYSELF! OH WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT FRIEND! AhahhahahahAhhahahahhAHAHAHAHAHAHEEEE! Please come…AHAHAHAHAHEEHEHEHE…aboard! I’ll get food, and other things you unaugmented need! MMMMREEEHAHAHAHHAHA!
With that the video ended, then the docking procedure was sent to us, leaving us all in a state of absolute confusion.
“Ah, he never changes.” Alvaro was the first to speak. “Don’t worry we can trust him. He might look insane but he’s harmless-ish
“IS HE NOT INSANE?!?!?” Anax yelled.
“Oh no he definitely is, one hundred percent nuts, in all honesty he probably doesn’t even have that many literal brain cells left that he hasn’t replaced with wires or motherboards. He is very truthful and extremely loyal. He really likes his friends and will even tear apart his own body if it means you survive, which he HAS done before.
We then went down to the hangar and got a shuttle ready. A few guards tried to go with us but Alvaro said that that’s a bad idea right now. I got in the pilot seat and we all rode in silence the rest of the way and docked with the station. When we docked, myself, Alvaro and Anax went inside the airlock to meet this nutter.
“Oh! One more thing.” Alvaro reached into his pocket and pulled out something. “This is Neutrolen, knowing Hazard he probably killed everyone in here who wasn’t a predator disease patient or a kid, and left their bodies to rot. Put this under your nose, it’ll help with the smell.”
Taking his advice we took out scoops of the stuff and basically inhaled it so it was so close to our noses. When the door opened…holy shit.
“Dear balancer…” was all Anax could manage.
The hallway was littered with bodies of all types of federation species in extreme conditions of decay. There were scientists, exterminators, soldiers, and more. They were blown apart, chopped into multiple pieces, burned alive, some were stuck in the ceiling and floor, others were nothing more than very dry stains on the… well everywhere, some seemed like they had been pulled apart. The absolute brutality of their deaths worried me. As we continued on our way the Arxur bodies started to appear. They also met very gruesome deaths.
“So uh…how did you meet?” I said to Alvaro trying to distract myself from the horror around me.
“We met when we rescued him from a very small isolated Arxur cattle farm, back before the Battle for earth and what we knew the Arxur truly were. On a side note he participated in the battle of earth and used what he called a space breach device to board a federation ship and fly it into the formation of the other ships. Setting the FLT drive to explode. When he was recovered from an escape pod he was found by some Canadian troops who found him covered in blood and body parts. Now returning to how I met him. The Arxur were actually terrified of him and had used him for sport…but he ended up killing all the Arxur. You would think they would kill him for that but for whatever reason they didn’t. He was Friendly to us which was a massive surprise as all the other rescues were terrified of us. He really wanted to be picked up and pet, many of us happily accepted that. He was not the metal behemoth you saw on the screen then. He really liked to be around humans for whatever reason so he was pretty easy to manage.”
He paused for a moment to remember more.
“The other rescues were really scared of him because at the time we had no idea just how nuts this dude was. It was also rumored among the rescues, and the Arxur that became our POWS, that he actually died but came back because he made a deal with some sort of powerful entity in exchange for powers, the rumors aren’t very clear on that and I also doubt they're true. It was the second week we found him replacing his arm with a mechanical one he made himself, and didn't even bother to use numbing medicine. Just up and chopped it off. That’s when we realized he was nuts and got more strange from there. He would continue to replace body part after body part. Until he made that suit you saw out of a downed Arxur bomber
Alvaro paused then continued.
“What he then did then was jury rig two MK nineteen, the fully auto grenade launcher, into shotguns with an obsessive amount of range. He also made his own shells OUT of the forty millimeter canisters we had left over, he combined slugs, dragons breath, buck shot, and ten millimeter explosives into these absolute incredible shells. Then slapped the suckers on his arms. Then threw an forty millimeter retractable anti-air cannon on his left shoulder and an actual twenty millimeter grenade launcher on his right. He also has mad…what do they call it now? Charisma? Rrizz?
“What, why?” Asked Anax.
“He’s the only Venlil I know that I know who did it with a female human.”
I nearly choked on my saliva and Anax made a really weird noise.
“What!? Ask him yourself!”
We had reached the room that Hazard told us to go to. We opened the door and black mass of metal came flying out and tackled Alvaro.
“HAHAHAHAHHAH! It’s you, it's REALLY YOU! HAHAHHAHA! This, is, AMAZHAHAHHAHA!” Hazard then beat his chest with what I think is glee.
Alvaro simply smiled “Hey buddy great to see you again…you're bleeding on me again.”
​
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Memory transcript subject: Erim, lieutenant of the Kratotl extermination fleet Date: [standardized human time] October 21st, 2136
I walked out of the sheets and towards the kitchen to grab something to eat. I saw Sean was still eating the meat of the deer he shot. I shuttered at the sight and the human gave me an angry look.
I quickly grabbed some fruit and headed back to the living room. Dad was just watching some tv and I sat next to him.
Some hunting show was on and they were hunting a large predator. Must of been a rerun because there was no destruction in the forest.
I took a bite of the green apple. Was a bit sour tasting but pretty good. Dad was just sitting in the chair in his gear.
After a while Sean came in with some hunting gear and a couple rifles. He seemed a little to happy like he had just heard the best news in the world.
“Come on you two we got business to deal with” we got up and followed him to the truck and got in. He started the engine and drove onto the road.
“Why are here again? You never told us” the human just kept his eyes on the road while smoking some white paper like cylinder in his mouth. The stench of it filled the car.
“I was looking at the trail cameras and on one of them I saw old one eye” the giant white predator!? We were going to hunt it!?
After a while of driving and arguing we soon arrived at the forest and Sean parked the truck.
We exited and Sean gave us some warm ‘ponchos, to wear in the snow. We went to the trunk of the truck and the human opened it and pulled out three bags.
“These babies are sure to put that big bastard down for good!” He opened one of the bags and pulled out this huge rifle with a massive scope.
The human pulled out two more rifles and handed us them with a couple bullets. He then pulled out three holsters and we put them on.
“These are for self defense” he handed me and dad pistols and we put them in the holsters. The human then closed the truck and we headed into the woods.
We walked through the snow it’s coldness hitting my talons. We walked through the trees. I could hear birds flying through the air.
We neared a big rock when the human stopped in his tracks. He silenced us and pointed at the rocky edge on the nearby cliff.
There I saw multiple grey predators watching us. I nearly ran away but Sean grabbed me to prevent it.
“They are simply warning us to leave their territory” we walked away back into a different direction. We walked for a long time till we stopped at some massive tracks.
“Yep old one eye was here” the human ran his hands across the snow. The snow tracking against his gloves.
“How can you tell?” The human looked over to my father.
“Judging by how big the paw prints look and the overall shape I can judge that is as polar bear” he got up and we followed him further into the forest. I held my rifle close to me watching the trees in case something pounces out.
We walked further until we came across a fresh deer corpse lying in the snow. Dad was about to head towards it when Sean stopped him.
“Something doesn’t feel right” he scanned the trees around the area.
“What you mean it don’t feel rig-“ just before dad could finish this light brown predator pounced out of nowhere towards him.
Dad pulled out his pistol and fired a couple shots before the thing clawed at his face making a scare over his left eye.
He fired a couple more shots until the creature fell limp onto the ground bleeding out.
“Jesus you ok?” The human held out his hand towards my father on the ground and pulled him up. He wiped the snow of his poncho.
“It stings!” Purple blood came out of the wound near his eye. He picked up his rifle off the ground while the human pulled out some bandages and started to apply them.
“Never seen a cougar do something like before but then again there’s a first for everything” we followed the human once more.
When we finally get this bear I pray that me and father can head home.
I could use some of mothers love right about now.

Chapter 80
Summerslam ‘16
The Raw after Battleground starts up and we see Bray Wyatt in the ring. Bray is laughing while he holds the WWE Championship in his hand. Bray has a mic and he says that Drew McIntyre should have really listened to him. Bray says that Drew really felt the full force of him at Battleground, and Drew deserved every second of it. Bray says that his time at the top of the mountain will continue because of him. Drew McIntyre then comes out and he has a mic and is extremely angry. Drew says that Bray is nothing but a freak that caught him off guard at Battleground. Bray is laughing at Drew, and Drew says that he also thinks that it is funny that Bray can’t win by himself and he has to be cheap and use tricks to win. Bray tells Drew that it has nothing to do with that, it is when his spirit goes into Bray is when he gets like that. Bray says that it isn’t a trick, and that it is instead a gift. Drew says that he doesn’t care what Bray thinks it is, and he demands a rematch, or else. Drew then calls out Paul Heyman to make it official. Paul comes out and he says that next week there will be a number one contenders match for Bray Wyatts WWE title, and it will be between Randy Orton and Chris Jericho. Drew says that Paul Heyman must be joking. Paul says that he is very serious. Paul then says that Drew has already had his rematch and he has failed. Drew says that he demands a title match, and he demands to fight at Summerslam. Paul tells Drew that he is sick of his demands. Paul says that he is in charge on Raw, not Drew. Paul says that right now he is going to put Drew in his place. Drew says that Paul will regret this. Paul then says that he doesn’t think he will. Paul then says that no, Drew will not fight for a title, but he will fight at Summerslam. Paul then says that there has to be someone who can humble Drew at Summerslam, and Paul will find them, and he will introduce them to Drew next week. Drew chuckles and he wishes the best of luck to Paul Heyman on his quest. Paul then walks away. Up next we see Wade Barrett in the back and he is rubbing his jaw. Wade says that Sheamus wants to talk about cheap? Wade then asks what that was at Battleground. Wade says that Sheamus is nothing but a cheap coward. Wade then says that Sheamus can wait until Summerslam now. Wade then says that is invoking his rematch clause at Summerslam, and he is going to show Sheamus a thing or two, when he puts his classless ass down. Wade then walks away. Finally we see Charlotte Flair come out to the ring, and she grabs a mic. Charlotte says that the fight with Paige was everything that she hoped for and more. Charlotte says that Paige is a true champion for all of her fans when she is in the ring. Charlotte then says that Paige is also a great and honorable challenger, which was a nice change of pace. Sasha Banks then comes out to the ring with a mic. Charlotte does not look happy. Sasha asks her what that is supposed to mean? Charlotte tells Sasha that she knows exactly what it means. Sasha asks Charlotte who she is. Sasha then thinks just because she has gotten lucky against her, and won a proper match at Battleground, that she is head and shoulders above everyone else? Charlotte then says that at least she won her match, unlike Sasha. Sasha then tells Charlotte to look at the flip side of things. Sasha then says that Becky wasn’t able to beat her, but she was once able to beat Charlotte Flair. Sasha then says that she still wants another shot at the Womens title. We then hear the music of Becky Lynch. Becky grabs a mic and gets in the ring. Becky looks at Sasha and she tells her that she won’t get a title shot. Becky says that since they have come up to the main roster, she has had more success than Sasha did. Becky says that already she is a former Womens Champion, and Ms. Money in the Bank. Becky asks Sasha what she has done? Sasha then tells Becky that she has kicked her ass a couple times. Sasha then reminds her that Charlotte has never been able to pin Sasha or make her properly Tap Out. Sasha then says that she mentioned how Becky once beat Charlotte Flair. Sasha then says that Charlotte Flair has also beaten Becky, and pinned her twice! Sasha then says that neither Becky or Charlotte have ever actually been able to beat Sasha Banks. Becky then tells Sasha that she wasn’t able to beat either Becky or Charlotte. Becky then says that she and Sasha will one day have a rematch, and it will be one for the ages. Becky says that in the meantime, she is focused only on the Womens Championship. Becky then asks Charlotte for a match at Summerslam. Sasha then tells Becky to back off, and then she asks Charlotte for a match at Summerslam. Charlotte smiles and she says that she will let them both know next week who she wants to fight at Summerslam. Charlotte then walks away and Raw goes off the air.
The Smackdown after Battleground is up next and it starts out with John Cena coming out and he grabs a mic. Cena says that he has a confession. Cena says that he has really been trying hard to get a title shot. Cena says that he wants a shot at Summerslam. Cena says that he has been involved in movies for a few years now, and he has been getting more requests from Hollywood to be in movies. Cena says they are giving him offers that he just cannot turn down. Cena says that now, years later he understands why the Rock came back to WWE less and less. John Cena says that he will soon be on that path. Cena says that immediately after Summerslam, he will only come back part time in WWE. Cena says that he loves the WWE and he wants to continue to give fans some enjoyment, but he cannot do it all the time anymore. Cena says that he will be back for special events, but they will be few and far between. Cena then says that he has had a legendary full time run in WWE. Cena says that he became one of the all time great United States Champions. Cena says that he held the World title many times. Cena says that he was even Tag Team Champions with some guys that he really didn’t get along with. John Cena then says that there is just one thing that he has not done in WWE and that is to hold the Intercontinental Championship. Cena says that he wants to hold that title before he goes part time in WWE. Cena says that he wants to win that title to end his legendary full time career, and start his soon to be legendary part time career. Cena then says that he expects an answer from Cody Rhodes next week. Cena drops the mic and he leaves the ring. Up next we see the Usos in the ring and they have mics. The Usos talk about their epic Tag Team match at Battleground and how they won and defended their Tag Team titles yet again. Jey says that RVD and Abyss were great for a team that has just started out. Jimmy then says that they almost gave them a run for their money at Battleground. Jey then says that now the Usos have to switch gears, because it is time for Summerslam. Jimmy says that it is the biggest party of the Summer, and now they are going to have to expect only the best challengers. The Usos are then attacked by two masked figures. These two men viciously beat down the Usos and laid waste to them. These two giant men then look down at the beaten Usos, before walking away. Up next we have a match between Braun Strowman and Joe Hennig. Joe tries to get some sort of advantage on the big man, but Braun manhandles Joe and starts to slam him on the mat over and over again. Joe can’t even stand and we see Braun pick him up and hit a Running Powerslam. Braun then pins Joe for the win. Braun grabs a mic and he says that he wants a legit challenge. Braun says that he is tired of these little boys coming and trying to challenge him, he wants to fight a real man soon. Braun then leaves the ring. Finally we see Roman Reigns come out to the ring with the World Heavyweight Championship. Roman Reigns is laughing and he says that these old guys really shouldn’t mess around with him. Roman says that he can’t believe he got both Sting and Rey Mysterio to leave WWE. Roman says that that makes him a true legend already in WWE. Roman then says that he would love to see who would dare fight him at Summerslam. We then hear the music of Tyler Reks. Roman looks over, and he looks shocked. Tyler Reks gets in the ring and grabs a mic. Tyler says that he has listened to Roman Reigns attack and bash these legends for months. Tyler says that he is sick of it. Tyler says that he is going to be the one to challenge Roman Reigns at Summerslam for the World Heavyweight Championship. Tyler then asks Roman what he thinks about that. Roman says that he thinks that at Summerslam he will put Tyler Reks down. Roman says that a lot of men still fear Tyler Reks. Roman says that he doesn’t fear Tyler Reks, and that Tyler Reks should fear him. Roman says that Tyler has been beaten before, and Roman hasn’t. Tyler says that there is a first time for everything, and that he fears no one. Tyler says that at Summerslam he will be the man who beats Roman Reigns. Tyler then says that “By the way” Roman Reigns is not a legend, he is just a prick who needs to be taught a lesson. Tyler Reks then leaves the ring and Smackdown goes off the air.
Raw is up next and it starts out with Drew McIntyre coming out to the ring and he grabs a mic. Drew says that he is waiting for Paul Heyman to come out and introduce him to this supposed man who is going to humble him. Paul Heyman then comes out and he says that he is really sick of this attitude that Drew McIntyre has. Paul says that he did find someone, so Drew will be lucky enough to have a match at Summerslam, but this is going to be the last demand that Drew McIntyre gets through. Drew then tells Paul that they will see about that. Drew then tells Paul to bring this man out to the ring. Paul then tells Drew McIntyre to be careful what he wishes for. Paul then tells Drew that his Summerslam opponent will be out here in just a moment. We then wait in silence for a second before hearing the music of Brock Lesnar. Brock comes out and he comes down to the ring with Paul Heyman. Both men get in the ring with Drew McIntyre. Brock and Drew get into each other's faces and Paul says that in a last ditch effort to humble Drew, Paul is making it Drew McIntyre vs Brock Lesnar at Summerslam. Drew looks at Paul and he laughs. Brock then grabs Drew and drops him with an F 5. Up next we see Sheamus come out to the ring and grab a mic. Sheamus says that Wade was right, what Sheamus did at Battleground was cheap. Sheamus says that it was meant to be that way. Sheamus then says that payback is a bitch, and what Sheamus did at Battleground was payback for what Wade did at Money in the Bank. Sheamus says that he is glad that Wade is invoking his rematch clause at Summerslam. Sheamus then says that he wants a clean, fair, fight at Summerslam. Sheamus is then hit with a Bull Hammer by Wade Barrett. Barrett then takes the mic and he looks at Sheamus. Wade then says that Sheamus just said the smartest thing of his life. Wade says that at Summerslam it will indeed be a fight. Wade says that he is going to beat Sheamus to a pulp and take back his United States Championship. Wade Barrett then leaves the ring. Up next we see Charlotte come out to the ring and grab a mic. Charlotte says that she has answers for both Becky and Sasha about which one of them is going to be her Summerslam opponent. Charlotte said that she will tell everyone who brought up the better point last week. Charlotte says that actually both Becky and Sasha had really good points last week. Charlotte then tells everyone to rewind for a bit. Charlotte tells everyone to rewind all the way back to Wrestlemania 32, where the three fought in a Triple Threat match. Charlotte tells everyone that she won that match and beat both of them at the same time. Charlotte says that neither of them have seemed to learn their lesson. Charlotte says that Summerslam is going to have to have the same result, so therefore, she chooses to accept both challenges. Charlotte says that at Summerslam she will defend her Womens title in a Triple Threat match. Charlotte then smirks and says that she hopes that they are both happy with this. Charlotte then leaves the ring. Finally we have our main event between Randy Orton and Chris Jericho. These two legends begin to fight in this number one contenders match. It is a back and forth match between the two men, but we see Randy Orton then get an upperhand on Chris Jericho and he is able to soon nail Chris Jericho with an RKO and pin him for the win. Randy Orton has become the numer one contender for the WWE title. After the match, the lights go out and when they come back on we see Bray Wyatt attack Randy Orton. Bray Wyatt nails Randy Orton with Sister Abigail and he looks down at Randy. Bray is laughing when he is hit across the back with something. Bray is attacked by AJ Styles, who has his Money in the Bank Breifcase. AJ goes and hands in his briefcase and now has a WWE title match. AJ gets on the apron, and he nails Bray with a Phenomenal Forearm. AJ Styles then pins Bray Wyatt and becomes WWE Champion for the first time in his career. AJ holds up the Championship and Raw goes off the air.
Smackdown is up next and it starts out with Tyler Reks coming out to the ring. Tyler has a mic and he says that he did challenge Roman Reigns last week to a match at Summerslam. Tyler says that Roman Reigns needs to learn to respect. Tyler says that the lack of respect towards Sting and Rey Mysterio, two of the all time great legends, is sickening to him. Tyler Reks says that at Summerslam, he looks forward to fighting Roman Reigns, and he looks forward to ending his reign of terror. Tyler then says that Roman will learn to respect, he will learn to respect the legends of this business, he will learn to respect his fellow wrestlers, and he will learn to respect Tyler Reks. Tyler Reks then drops his mic and he leaves the ring. Next up we see Braun Strowman in a match with Alex Riley. Braun immediately starts to dominate this match and he brutally beats down Riley. Braun seems to be angry at Alex Riley and he picks him up and nails him with a Running Powerslam and pins him for the win. Braun grabs a mic and he says that was not a challenge at all. Braun says that he wants an actual man to come out and challenge him. Braun says that he is sick and tired of running all over the Smackdown locker room. Braun says that he wants a true challenge by next week. Braun Strowman then throws down his mic and he leaves the ring. Up next we see two masked men standing in the ring. These are the same two men that laid out the Usos last week. One of them says that for a long time, they have sat in the shadows. Now they have seen what the Usos have been doing recently. The Usos think they are on top of the world. The masked man says that the Usos have done almost everything in WWE, except beat them. Both men take off their maskes and they reveal themselves as Harper and Rowan. Harper continues to speak and he says that the Usos have never beaten them, and someone Harper and Rowan are the ones in the shadows. Harper then says that soon, things will change. Harper then says that the Usos must accept a match for the Tag Team titles at Summerslam with Harper and Rowan. The Usos then come out and they come to the ring. Jimmy says that they have no claim to a Tag Team title match. Jey then says that both of them have been nowhere to be seen, and they certainly will not get a Tag Team title shot. Jimmy then says that the answer is always going to be a no. The Usos then turn, but they are attacked by Harper and Rowan, who brutally beat them down. Jey is thrown out of the ring, and Harper grabs the mic. Harper says that what the Usos fail to understand is that this will happen to them every week, until they accept. Harper then hits a Discus Clothesline on Jimmy. Harper and Rowan then leave the ring. Finally we see Cody Rhodes come out with a mic. Cody Rhodes says that for fourteen years, John Cena has been a prominent part of WWE. Cody Rhodes says that John Cena once carried this company on his back for a long while. Cody says that very few people have given WWE all this attention. Cody says that at Summerslam, the Legendary full time career of John Cena comes to an end. Cody says that it will be different without John always around, but what Cody is more focused on, is that to end his full time career, John Cena wants to finally win the IC title, so he challenged Cody Rhodes to a match at Summerslam. Cody says that fighting a legend like John Cena at Summerslam would be a dream come true. Cody says that it can be a bit of a changing of the guard. Cody says that it will be perhaps the greatest IC Champion in WWE history vs perhaps the greatest US Champion in WWE history. Cody says that it will be a legendary match, and Cody accepts the challenge of course. John Cena then comes out and he comes to the ring. John tells Cody that he knows that he is trying to bring such value to the IC title. John says that by accepting this match, he is doing that title a great service. Cena extends his hand and Cody shakes it. Smackdown then goes off the air.
Raw is up next and it starts out with Wade Barrett coming out and grabbing a mic. Wade says that last week was a clear message to Sheamus. Wade says that he means business this time around, and Sheamus won’t have to worry about a roll up this time. Wade says that his goal this time is not to just beat Sheamus, it is to make Sheamus learn a lesson. A lesson that the Englishman will always be better than the Irishman. Wade says that he is going to make sure that Sheamus has yet another failure of a title run. Sheamus then comes out and he grabs a mic. Sheamus says that sometimes the third time's a charm, and that is what it will be like for Sheamus. Sheamus says that maybe his WWE Championship reign wasn’t the best, and he got screwed out of his first US title reign, but this time, it wil be a good one. Sheamus then says that he is going to kick that off at Summerslam, when he successfully defends against Wade Barrett. Sheamus then looks at Wade and he says that he almost forgot, he owes him for last week. Sheamus then hits a huge Broque Kick on Wade Barrett. Sheamus then says that he will see Wade Barrett at Summerslam. Sheamus then walks away. Up next we see Sasha Banks come out to the ring and grab a mic. Sasha says that she really can’t believe what is happening here. Sasha cannot believe that Charlotte actually wanted another Triple Threat. Sasha says that is not fair because at Wrestlemania, Sasha wasn’t even pinned and she still lost. Sasha says that Becky does not deserve to be a part of this match. Sasha says that Becky is nothing but a loser. Sasha says that Becky lost at Wrestlemania, she lost at Payback, and she couldn’t beat Sasha at Battleground. Becky then comes out to the ring and she grabs a mic. Becky asks Sasha who she thinks she is. Becky asks Sasha if it has gotten this bad, all of the narcissism. Becky tells Sasha that she deserves this match just as much as Sasha does. Becky then says that she would also prefer if Sasha wasn’t in this match, because Becky knows that Sasha can ruin it for her, but they have to now fight in this Triple Threat rematch. Sasha scowls at Becky and she tells Becky that she is sick and tired of her being around all the time. Sasha tells Becky to shut up and go away. Becky says that she will not do that. Becky says that in fact she has something that she would love to say to Sasha. Becky says that she wants a one on one rematch next week between the two of them. Sasha then asks Becky why she thinks that she would want to do that. Becky says that she knows that Sasha’s ego is far too big and she can’t stand the fact that she wasn’t able to beat Becky at Battleground. Becky then says that she wants it so she can finall shut Sasha Banks up, before she does it again at Summerslam of course. Sasha scowls again at Becky and she says that she will accept and she will see Becky Lynch next week. Becky tells Sasha that she can’t wait and she leaves the ring. We then see Drew McIntyre in the back and he is asked about his upcoming Summerslam match. Drew says that he really can’t wait for it. Drew says that he is really going to show Paul Heyman a thing or two when he beats his “unbeatable” Beast at Summerslam. Drew says that he is going to put Brock Lesnar down at Summerslam. Drew then says that he didn’t forget about last week, and he wants to make Brock pay for that. Drew is then told that Brock Lesnar will be on Raw next week. Drew says that he looks forward to it, he wants to see Brock Lesnar again, and he wants to see him before kicking his ass at Summerslam. Drew then walks away. Finally we see the new WWE Champion, AJ Styles come out to the ring. AJ says that last week was the biggest moment of his wrestling career. AJ says that he finally reached the highest level of competition in all of wrestling. AJ says that he finally won the biggest prize in the whole industry. The WWE Championship. AJ says that it was Phenomenal for him to do that, finally. AJ then says that now Summerslam is around the corner, a great event that AJ has never competed at. AJ says that he looks forward to finally having the chance. We then hear the music of Randy Orton. Orton has a mic and he makes his way down to the ring. Randy Orton says that last week he beat Chris Jericho to become number one contender for the WWE Championship. Orton says that at the time he did that, Bray Wyatt was the WWE Champion, and that is who he expected to face off against at Summerslam, but after the cowardly attack from Bray Wyatt, Bray himself was attacked by a coward named AJ Styles, who then stole the WWE Championship. Randy looks at AJ and he says that it does not matter who it is, whether it be Bray Wyatt or AJ Styles, Randy Orton is the number one contender and he is going to fight for the WWE Championship at Summerslam. AJ then says that he is more than okay with that. AJ says that Randy Orton is a dream match for him so he looks forward to it. AJ then says that perhaps Orton shouldn’t be calling AJ a coward though, because that means that he is taking AJ lightly, which is a huge mistake. AJ says that he will defend the great WWE Championship against Randy Orton at Summerslam, and he will come out victorious. AJ then walks away and Raw goes off the air.
Smackdown is up next and that starts out with Braun Strowman calling out someone to actually fight. Braun says that he wants proof that Smackdown has real men who can put up a proper fight against him. Braun waits a minute before we hear the music of Dolph Ziggler. Dolph comes out and he says that he was once at war with that old clan that Braun was part of. Dolph says that he fought every person in that clan and he beat them all. It wasn’t until after Dolph had his war with them, did they pick up Braun Strowman. Dolph says that Smackdown has men that can fight Braun. Dolph says that this is the proof for Braun. Dolph accepts Brauns Challenge and he gets in the ring with Braun. The match starts and Braun immediately starts to dominate Dolph and throw him all around the ring. Dolph tries for a desperate Superkick, but Braun catches it and he screams at Dolph before grabbing him and hitting a Running Powerslam. Braun pins Dolph for the win. Braun grabs a mic after the match and he yells and says that he actually needs a real challenge, and he demands one by next week. Braun then leaves the ring. Up next we see John Cena in a match. Cody Rhodes is sitting at commentary. John Cena is taking on Xavier Woods for the first time ever in his career. Xavier tries to take it to Cena, but Cena is too skilled for Xavier Woods and he turns the fight around on Xavier. Cena lifts Xavier up and he nails him with the AA. Cena then pins Xavier Woods for the win. Cody congratulates Cena after the match and he says that he wants this type of fight from Cena in their match at Summerslam. Cody then pats Cena on the back and he leaves the ring. Up next we see the Usos come out and they demand a legit challenge for Summerslam. Jey says that those freaks Harprer and Rowan do not deserve a match. Jimmy then says that they demand a new challenge tonight for Summerslam, and if no one comes out, then they want Teddy Long to come out and give them some proper opponents, because he actually has sense. The Usos are then attacked by Harper and Rowan again out of nowhere. Jimmy is then thrown out of the ring and Harper grabs a mic. Harper says that they want this match at Summerslam, because that will be the two year anniversary of them winning the titles for the first time. Harper then says that if the Usos are not willing to give it up, then so be it. Harper says that every week that they don’t accept Harper and Rowan's Challenge, they will be beaten down. Harper then hits a huge Discus Clothesline on Jey. Harper and Rowan leave the ring. Finally we see Roman Reigns come out and he says that he heard Tyler Reks last week. Roman says that he could have come out, but he didn’t feel like wasting his time. Roman says that Tyler Reks is not worth his time to talk to. Roman then says that he doesn’t respect Tyler Reks, and he certainly doesn’t fear that bitch. Roman says that Summerslam will mearly be a stepping stone for Roman Reigns, and nothing else. Roman says that Tyler Reks will learn his place on Smackdown, like he did on Raw. Tyler Reks comes out and he says that this is what he means by Roman Reigns needs to learn respect. Tyler tells Roman not to worry about anything, because Roman will be taught respect at Summerslam. Roman tells Tyler to get over himself. Roman says that Tyler is no match for Roman Reigns. Roman then says that he is unbeatable in this ring. Roman tells Tyler Reks to ask Sting, Rey Mysterio, or Dean Ambrose. Roman says that Tyler will be just another name to add to the list. Tyler tells Roman that he is glad to see such confidence. Tyler then says that he is however sad to say that he will be knocking it back down. Tyler says that he knows that Roman has not fought anyone like Tyler. Tyler says that he always wants to fight guys who are bigger and stronger than him, because Tyler Reks wants to challenge himself. Tyler says that he has seen Roman challenge only smaller guys, like he is some sort of bully. Tyler tells Roman that it won’t be that way at Summerslam. Tyler says that he will bully Roman Reigns and he will become the World Heavyweight Champion. Roman smirks at Tyler and Tyler tells Roman to laugh it up, but at Sumerslam, Roman will know a thing or two about Tyler Reks. Tyler then walks away from the ring and Smackdown goes off the air.
The go home Raw is up next and it starts out with AJ Styles coming out to the ring. AJ says that he is ready for this match with Randy Orton this Sunday at Summerslam, he looks forward to defanging the Viper. AJ says that at Summerslam he will finally have the chance to properly defend the WWE Championship, something that he has dreamed of his entire career. Randy Orton then comes out. Randy says that he won his first World Championship at Summerslam and became the youngest World Champion in history. Randy says that it took Randy such a short period of time to reach that level, but for AJ, he started wrestling even before Randy Orton, and he just now has reached that level. Randy looks at AJ and he says that Summerslam will be more of a cakewalk for him than anyone thinks. AJ tells Randy that he really shouldn’t be taking this lightly. Randy says that he isn’t, but he has seen guys like AJ light it up on the lower stages of wrestling, and then when they make it to WWE, they sputter out. Randy says that AJ is no different. Randy says that at Summerslam AJ will sputter out. AJ gets angry enough at Randy to attack, but then the lights go out, and when they come back on we see Bray Wyatt hit Randy Orton with Sister Abigail. Bray looks at AJ and he says that at Summerslam, he invokes his rematch clause, and this becomes a Triple Threat match. Bray laughs at AJ before hitting him with Sister Abigail too. Bray then disappears from the ring. Up next we see Sheamus in the ring and he is in a match with Chris Masters. Sheamus takes a few shots in the beginning from Masters, but he soon makes a comeback and he takes the fight to Chris Masters and he even nails him with a Broque Kick to win the match. Sheamus celebrates and we see Wade Barrett storm down to the ring. Wade and Sheamus then start to brawl all around the ring and outside of the ring. Sheamus is a bit more worn out from the match so we see Wade get the advantage and he throws Sheamus back into the ring and nails him with a Bull Hammer. Wade grabs a mic and he tells Sheamus to expect much of the same at Sumemrslam. Wade then walks away from the ring. Up next we see Drew McIntyre in the ring and he calls out Brock Lesnar. Brock then comes out with Paul Heyman. Drew looks at Brock and he tells Brock that at Summerslam, he is going to use Brock to prove a point. Drew says that he is going to defeat Brock Lesnar at Summerslam, and then he is going to get a shot at the WWE Championship. Drew then looks at Paul Heyman. Paul says that there is no way that Drew can be so naive as to think that he will beat Brock Lesnar at Summerslam. Paul tells Drew that Brock Lesnar will destroy him at Summerslam. Drew tells Paul that no man destroys him. Drew says that it will be a fight and he won’t say destroy, but he will take down Brock Lesnar at Summerslam, and Drew will show Paul who his true top man is. Paul then tells Drew to think about it for a minute. Paul tells Drew that just a couple weeks ago he was laid out by Brock Lesnar. Paul says that the same thing will happen, both at Summerslam, and right now. Brock then picks up Drew, but Drew gets off of Brock and then nails Brock with a Claymore. Paul Heyman cannot believe it. Brock starts to get up and when he does he is hit with a second Claymore Kick. Paul is in shock as he looks on. Brock slowly gets up again and he is nailed witha Third Claymore Kick. Brock Lesnar has been leveled out. Paul is in shock and Drew says that there is more where that came from at summerslam for Brock. Drew then leaves the ring. Finally we have our match between Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks. Charlotte is watching from ringside. Becky and Sasha have a back and forth truly competitive match, and both Women have words with Charlotte Flair throughout this match. Eventually things get too heated and Becky punches Charlotte, who then fights back against Becky. The match is called off and Becky wins by DQ. Charlotte and Becky have a huge brawl. Eventually Charlotte gets the better of Becky and she hits Natural Selection on her. Sasha then hits a huge Backstabber on Charlotte and Raw goes off the air.
The go home Smackdown is up next and it starts out with John Cena coming out to the ring and grabbing a mic. Cena says that Cody Rhodes will get exactly what he wants. John Cena says that he will bring a true fight to Cody Rhodes at Summerslam. In fact John Cena is planning on bringing his absolute best fight of all time to Summerslam. John says that Cody does not understand just how much John Cena wants this IC title. Cena says that it is the only title he has not won in WWE, and he really wants to change that. Cody then comes out and he says that he does understand what John is saying. Cody knows that Cena wants this IC title more than anything, and he will get his shot at Summerslam, but he can bring the fight of his life if he wants, Cody then says that it just will not help him. Cody tells John that he doesn’t understand how much the IC title means to Cody Rhodes. Cody says that he knows that it will be a great fight at Summerslam, but John Cena will leave his full time career, empty handed. Cody then says that perhaps it is a nice part time accomplishment that John Cena can have one day, if Cody gets injured and has to give the title up. John then tells Cody that he likes him, and he likes his attitude, usually. John tells Cody that here, his attitude is doing more harm than good for him, because it is only pushing John Cena to do better and to fight harder. Cody then wishes Cena luck with everything. Cody then says that he wants John Cena at his very best, he wants Super Cena. Cena then tells Cody to be careful what he wishes for, because now he has got it. John Cena then walks away. Up next we see The Usos come out to the ring, and they still demand their Summerslam opponents, this time no time is wasted and the Usos are attacked. Harper and Rowan start an onslaught of the Usos. Jimmy then tells them noth to stop. Jimmy says that he accepts their challenge. Jimmy then says that he also wants to thank them for coming to the ring. Jey then Superkicks Rowan, who goes down, and they both Superkick Harper, who also goes down. The Usos then leave the ring. Up next we see Braun Strowman come out to the ring and he says that he demands a real challenger. Braun says that he wants a real challenger right now! We then hear the music of the Big Show. Big Show then comes to the ring and he grabs a mic. Big Show then says that he accepts Brauns challenge, because he thinks that Braun should try to throw around someone bigger than himself. Big Show then says that he just has one small condition. Big Show doesn’t want the match between him and Braun to take place right now. Big Show wants to fight Braun at Summerslam. Braun smiles at Big Show and he says that finally he has a real challenge, and then he accepts Big Show’s one condition. Braun then leaves the ring. Finally we see Tyler Reks in a match against Mark Henry. Tyler and Henry go back and forth as they are two extremely strong men. Tyler then gets the advantage on Mark Henry and he hits Mark with a Burning Hammer. Tyler Reks then pins Mark Henry for the win. After the match we see Tyler celebrate, but then he is nailed with a Superman Punch by Roman Reigns, which knocks Tyler Reks out of the ring. Roman then stares down Tyler Reks as Smackdown goes off the air.
Summerslam

1. Cody Rhodes retains his IC title against John Cena
2. Sheamus retains his US title against Wade Barrett
3. Harper and Rowan win the Tag Team titles from the Usos (Harper pins Jey)
4. Charlotte Flair retains her Womens title in the Triple Threat (Pins Sasha Banks)
5. Becky Lynch cashes in and wins the Womens title from Charlotte Flair
6. Brock Lesnar defeats Drew McIntyre
7. AJ Styles retains his WWE title in the Triple Threat (Pins Randy Orton)
8. Braun Strowman defeats Big Show
9. Roman Reigns retains his World Heavyweight title against Tyler Reks

Lately, some peculiar occurrences have taken place. Take, for instance, last night when my girlfriend Heather left the bathroom and insisted she saw me in the kitchen. Strangely, I have no recollection of getting up during the night, so I attributed it to sleepwalking. Surprisingly, she shared details of a full-fledged conversation we had, followed by me returning to my room after devouring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. While it does sound like something I might do, I simply cannot recall that particular incident.
Little did I know, this was only the beginning of a series of such incidents.
Curious about that night last week, I asked Heather, "Do you remember what we were talking about?"
With a smile, Heather nudged me playfully on the shoulder and replied, "Sweetheart, you were all over the place. You mentioned how you wished you had a new job and that you were starving. Why do you ask?"
As I gazed into the distance, a heavy sensation enveloped my mind, akin to a weighted blanket draped over my thoughts. "Hmm, I just can't remember conversing with you. I never woke up."
"It's possible that you were sleepwalking. It happens to many people, dear. You know, you look quite handsome even when you sleepwalk," Heather smirked, gently clasping my hand. "That's one of the many reasons I love you." I planted a soft kiss on her forehead, "I'm going for a run. I'll be back in a little while!" I needed to meditate and frankly running was my best therapy session.
Although I attributed these incidents to sleepwalking, they still troubled me. However, there was no point in allowing stress to consume me.
A couple of weeks later, another unsettling incident unfolded, this time at my workplace—Dunesbarry, a printing company that produces everything from small pictures to large-scale posters. It happened on a Tuesday when I woke up feeling unwell, prompting me to make a decision to call in sick.
My boss, James, was known for being a rather easy going manager, and I dialed his number to inform him about my condition. "Hey James, I'm not feeling great. I woke up with stomach issues and won't be able to come in today." After a brief pause, James burst into laughter and retorted, "Hold on, Caesar. What are you talking about? I just saw you here a few minutes ago."
My heart sank into my stomach, and perspiration formed on my forehead. "What do you mean? I'm at home, James."
"Buddy, I don't know if you're trying to pull a prank on me, but I assure you, you're here. Although it's quite unexpected for you to be early, you waved at me and headed into the bathroom. Are you still in there?"
Feeling a sense of disbelief, I momentarily put my phone down after promising James I would call him back."What in the world..." My pulse raced, throbbing in various parts of my body as the unsettling realization sank in. This had to be something more than I initially thought.
The remainder of the day I was immobilized, trapped in a state of mental paralysis. I laid on the couch, anxiously awaiting Heather's return.
My mind reverberated with the same haunting thoughts, from the first time I experienced a memory lapse at home to now, encountering a similar phenomenon at my workplace. What on earth was happening to me?
Driven by a growing urgency, I hurried over to my laptop and launched into an immediate search for any instances resembling my own. "Not remembering conversations at night" I typed into Google. The initial search results yielded blog websites discussing sleepwalking, which aligned with my initial assumption. Nevertheless, I pressed on. Next, I came across some Reddit posts recounting incidents of sleep-talking without any recollection.
As I scrolled through the various links and websites, one particular post caught my attention. Doppel-gänger? I had heard that term before.
Doppelgänger: "an apparition or double of a living person" was the definition I encountered, but comprehending its implications proved challenging. As a skeptical individual, I typically dismissed notions of the paranormal and supernatural. Why, out of all people, would something like this happen to me?
I closed my laptop, taking a deep breath to steady my racing thoughts.
Finally, Heather returned home after her shift, and I dashed towards the door to greet her.
"Hi, love! I'm so glad you're home. I have something absolutely mind-boggling to tell you!" I tightly embraced her, holding her for longer than usual."Hello, my sweetheart. What happened?" Heather set down her purse, and we both settled onto the couch.
"You won't believe this, and honestly, I'm struggling to wrap my head around it. Remember how I mentioned calling out of work today? Well, when I called James, he accused me of playing a prank on him. He even mentioned that I was already at work."
Heather nervously chuckled and turned to process my words. "Wait, what?"
"He said I had already arrived at work and was in the bathroom. But I never went. I've been here at home the entire day." As I looked at Heather, I could see a hint of discomfort on her face.
"I don't understand. Maybe he was just messing with you since you called out," Heather suggested, rising to grab some water from the kitchen. Bursting into laughter, a wave of relief washed over me. "Wow, I never actually considered that. I'm sorry, I'm still preoccupied with that incident in the kitchen that night. It's been twisting my thoughts."
"You're okay, honey. How are you feeling?" Heather asked, her concern shining through.
"Much better now that you're home, I must say."
Heather was my rock, always asking the right questions and loving me in ways I had never experienced before. I couldn't fathom my life without her. Feeling slightly more at ease, I decided not to inquire further with James, choosing to let the matter rest.
It was 3:23 am when I was awakened by the sound of slow footsteps creaking past our slightly open bedroom door. We kept it ajar to listen for any unusual nighttime noises.
Rubbing my eyes and stretching my legs, I sat up in bed, my gaze fixated on the doorway. The room was enveloped in darkness, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. The footsteps abruptly ceased as I continued to stare at the sliver of the doorway crack.
Resolute in my determination not to jump to the worst conclusions, I dismissed the idea of an intruder breaking into our home. Surely, I would have heard some sign of forced entry. Grasping the nearest object within reach, our vintage lamp, I mustered the courage to approach the door, striving to remain as silent as possible. With a trembling hand, fueled by fear of the unknown, I reached out for the doorknob.
Taking a moment to steady my pounding heart, prepared to confront anybody, even if it were against God Himself, I cautiously opened the door. There was nothing outside. I checked in both directions, even stepping into the hallway with a stance ready for battle. Utter silence enveloped the space. Releasing a sigh of relief, I turned around, intending to return to the bedroom.
Then, a solitary footstep echoed in my ears.
I halted, gripping the lamp so tightly that its exterior threatened to shatter.
Turning slowly toward the source of the sound, my eyes caught up to the movement, leaving me no choice but to confront whatever lurked within my house.A figure emerged from behind the kitchen island, hands tightly gripping the countertop, barely visible in the dim light. Their eyes locked onto mine, wide open as if they were about to pop out of their sockets.
I noticed a striking resemblance between us – the same haircut and a mole on the top left of our heads. Yet, I couldn't spare a moment to ponder our shared appearance. There was an intruder in my house.
Carefully edging backward, I needed to make my way back to the bedroom to alert Heather and call the police.
"Heather! There's someone in the house! Call the police right now!" I shouted, keeping my gaze fixed on the intruder, even though I wished I didn't have to. The intruder remained motionless, almost frozen in place. As I shouted for Heather to call the police, I could hear teeth chattering as if it were beside my ear. Slowly, he moved from the kitchen island, his hands preceding his head, his unwavering stare fixed upon me.
With my heart pounding out of my chest, fueled by adrenaline, I took advantage of the rush surging through my veins and sprinted toward the kitchen to investigate. I hadn't seen him move from the island to anywhere else, so the realization that he had vanished sent shivers down my spine.
"What the fuck," I uttered, completely shaken to my core.
Moments later, the police arrived, responding to the report of an intruder. Heather peered out from the bedroom to assess the situation.
"Honey, are you okay?" Heather whispered loudly. I found myself sitting on the floor, stunned and deflated. I couldn't wrap my mind around what had just occurred. It made no sense. As logical as I considered myself to be, this defied all reason.
Heather tenderly held the top of my head, offering comfort as we awaited the arrival of the police.I needed to compose myself before opening the door for them."Hi, um, I don't know how to explain this," I said to the officer, my voice tinged with confusion, still trembling from the encounter. "Hello, I am Officer Santana. There was a call reporting an intruder. Are you okay, sir?"
I let Officer Santana and her partner inside and guided them to a seat. "This is going to sound strange, I understand that, but there was an intruder right over there," I pointed toward the kitchen island. "He was behind it, and then he wasn't. He simply vanished." Santana looked up at me, her eyebrows raised as she tried to comprehend the situation.
"What are you saying? He disappeared? Did you see him run anywhere?" Santana's partner asked, jotting down notes in their Paperkraft notepad. "Well, I saw him duck behind the island, and then he was gone. I know it sounds crazy, and I realize that."
"Okay, we're going to thoroughly check the house and ensure it's safe. In the meantime, please wait outside until we're done," Santana instructed, as both officers unclamped their pistols from their holsters. I felt a semblance of safety in their presence.
It was a chilly autumn day, with the scent of smoke wafting through the air, likely from my neighbors' fireplace. Jill and her husband, Dane, were wonderful neighbors who kept to themselves. Occasionally, they would surprise us with extra food, acting like the pseudo-parents of the neighborhood. Sometimes, I would take it upon myself to fix minor things around their house, like the black fence in the backyard. It always seemed to have a mysterious hole, despite their lack of pets or nearby animals.
Jill and Dane noticed the police presence and joined us outside, arms crossed in concern. "What's going on, guys?" Dane inquired. "There was someone in our house, but they disappeared. Maybe it was some kind of prank or squatter. I don't know," I replied, offering an explanation simply to have one, even though I struggled to believe it myself.
"Did you enjoy the apple pie I made the other day, Caesar? You devoured some of it when you came by to fix the fence," Jill chimed in, her culinary skills well-known. However, I hadn't tasted her cooking in months. "When did I fix the fence?" I asked, my tone dropping with confusion.
Jill's smile widened, as if assuming I understood what she was referring to. "What do you mean? You came by two days ago. You mentioned noticing the hole again and wanted to fix it for us."
"Oh, right! Sorry, my mind has been foggy lately. I loved the pie, it was delicious. You're such an amazing cook!" I responded, though I had no recollection of any fence-fixing visit. I gave her a reassuring answer to alleviate any concerns she might have.
Urgently, I pulled Heather aside, gripping her arm. "Heather, I never went to their house or fixed their fence. I have no idea what's happening, and I promise I'm not going crazy.""I believe you, but I'm starting to feel a little scared. These incidents where you've supposedly been to places and don't remember are unnerving," Heather confessed, her face etched with genuine worry.
The officers emerged from the house, re-holstering their pistols. "Your house is clear. Whatever was here is no longer present. We'll have patrols keep an eye on your property for the next few days. Other than that, you should be able to go back to bed," one of the officers assured us.
"Thank you, officers. We'll call again if anything happens inside," I expressed our gratitude. Heather and I held each other tightly as we made our way back to the house. "Let's try to get some rest," Heather suggested. However, that night, sleep eluded me as the image of that man's eyes lingered in my mind. Why did he resemble me?
It had been quite some time since I last encountered any strange incidents or intruders in my house. I was beginning to feel optimistic about the whole situation. Life had returned to normal, and my relationship with Heather was flourishing.
"You know, Caesar, I eventually want to have a baby. Can you help me with that?" Heather expressed her desire, and I chuckled nervously, embracing her from behind. "Of course, baby. Let's plan it out and see where life takes us." After bidding Heather farewell as she left for work, I settled on the couch.
The thought of becoming a father lingered in my mind, though it seemed like a daunting and incredible prospect.
Little did I know that two hours later, that day would alter the course of my life forever.
"Caesar," a voice pierced through my skull like a bullet, evoking a fear I had never experienced before. Shock washed over me, causing a lump to form in my throat. I recognized the voice, but the sheer terror prevented me from turning around.
"Caesar," the voice repeated, pushing my body into fight or flight mode. Summoning my courage, I slowly turned around.
It was me. The person standing before me was an identical version of myself. "What the fuck!?" I uttered, bewildered.
He began to approach me with slow, deliberate steps. His unblinking eyes and a smirking mouth hinted at some sinister intent. He halted just a foot's length away from me. "What are you!?" I screamed, attempting to push him away.
As he lunged towards my face, I sidestepped and prepared to strike him with a punch from my right hand. However, he swiftly evaded the blow and made another aggressive move towards me. He covered my mouth and nose, struggling to breathe, I swung my fists blindly in his direction before losing consciousness.
When I regained consciousness, I found myself in a shed approximately a mile away. Disoriented and terrified, I sat up, only to discover that the floor was strewn with animal flesh and blood. The overwhelming stench threatened to obliterate my senses.
I had to find a way back to my house, no matter what. I frantically searched the pockets of my jeans, hoping to find something that could aid me. To my dismay, everything was missing, including the cherished watch that once belonged to my late father.
Summoning my determination, I rose to my feet and forcefully slammed open the decaying wooden door. The task proved effortless, as the door had already begun to rot. As I surveyed my surroundings, I realized I was engulfed by a dense forest, devoid of any visible structures. I vaguely recalled that my house was situated along the northern line, which offered a glimmer of hope.
Although I had never been much of an outdoorsy person while growing up, my father had imparted a few tricks during our camping trips. I recollected his guidance on locating the North Star by first identifying the Big Dipper. I patiently waited for the night sky to emerge, conserving my energy for the impending journey. As the sun barely kissed the horizon, I discerned a cluster of houses, including mine, in the distance.
Mixed emotions welled up within me as I approached my home. Peering through the backyard windows, my heart sank to the floor. There I saw myself, holding Heather in a tight embrace, sharing kisses, laughter, and affection.
Desperate to escape this surreal nightmare, I knocked on the window, hoping to break free from that imposter. Heather's piercing scream echoed through the air as he rushed toward the window, bellowing at me to leave and threatening to involve the police once again. As I began to retreat from the backyard, he smirked, a sinister expression that mirrored my own.
This doppelgänger had assumed my identity in every way, rendering it impossible to distinguish between us. If I dared to approach the house or confront Heather, the consequences would be dire. I had made one attempt before, only to be manipulated into believing that I was a deranged relative harassing them. Heather, unaware of my familial connections due to my reticence about them, fell for his ruse.
Years passed, and I found myself confined to observing them from the safety of the woods. Heather's happiness blossomed as she became pregnant. Meanwhile, I remained trapped in this inexplicable nightmare, grappling with the cruel injustice that had stolen my life away.
As the years dragged on, my existence continued to be overshadowed by the twisted imposter who had stolen my life. I watched from the darkness of the woods as Heather's pregnancy progressed, the anticipation building within her. It was a bitter torment to witness her joy, knowing that I was the rightful father of that child.
​
If you are reading this, please believe me. I am desperate to reclaim my life and will do whatever it takes to bring her back to me.

1:Tires give all trucks a mud option like MHS1 and dually rear options like OHD1
2:Chains. give all tires the options for chains. instead of making only select tire have chains. maybe not msh1and2/ZMH/DHMS1/T01/Stocktractortires. since all of those are Very aggressive mud's.
3:Give all vehicles an option to unlock some kind of roof rack with fuel and such either by completing some kind of trial or just by level. or vehicles with excess interior space like the lo4f is a van you could store stuff inside without increasing the center of gravity much. Yar87/Tatarin/antartic/jeeps/landrover,ect.
4:Cargo Supplies. have a customizable single slot and double slot palatalized supplies. like 4 30 gallon drums of fuel a stack of 4 tires and 300 repair parts. each being a quarter of a single slot cargo of supplies. make a place to pick up or purchase these at all the garages. customize what you can get on the either 4 slot single cargo slot or 8 slot 2 cargo slot.
5:Add more trailers. idk how complicated it is to do but having a lot more trailer options would be awesome. like more useful high saddle trailers like 6 slot with ramps.
6:Medium scout Class. make all in this class be able to connect to both scout trailers and full size trailers. and have Autonomous medium winch. yar87/Tatarin/zikz5368/Step39331/int1700/Warthog/zikz566a/F750/Crocodile/tatra805/azovSprinteTH357.
7:Give any truck that has large winch on back of cab a winch point on it where it is and give it a 50 percent bonus to power from that location. but disable the quick winch from the spot. and option for all with it to remove winch on back and put yellow crane. Kolob74941/Derry4520/M916A1/P12with spare tires on/6900TwinSteer. maybe make the strong winch an addon for Trucks that can have a crane.
8:Vehicle improvements.
1.All pacific trucks need a little love. drop a new engine for P12/P16/p512 in Yukon somewhere. like 250k torque. give p512 AWD option and increase fuel capacity to 90 gallons. give all 3 of them magic upspec OHD 1 tires and with chain option. P12 needs a full sweet of fame options cause its not very useful atm and it has a long frame like azov 73210 so give it all the same add-ons. p16 add yellow crane behind cab and logging crane if it will fit.
2.All Vehicles with articulated steering need some improvement to their turning strength and grip. cause all of them are annoying to drive. maybe make a improved steering upgrade that makes them adjustable strength and speed for driver to tune in the way they like it. k700/k7m/antarctic/cat745c

1. Cat 745c/770g and make both big cats fuel tanks be able to carry water for missions and increase there capacity. give 745c ability to carry cargo on container carrier. give both cats large V12 cat engine with 280k-300k torque unlockable by completing missions in quarry's maybe all quarry missions. give 770g high saddle. and make special trailer usable. and purchasable at trailer store.

4.Tractors both of them are articulated and hurt me lol. add a smaller tractor with normal steering like mud runner. and add tract CAT farm tractor like challengermt775b. give k7m full output version of kzgt-8 530t engine or just like a little more than 420t cause its got no guts for pulling anything uphill. give snorkles to tractors.
5.Azov 42-20 Antarctic. Steering improvements... give it roof rack on cab. increase fuel too 100 gallons. give option to remove Cabin on back for more room for a yellow crane or a longer bed or log loader and carrier front combo. 1 spare tire on back of cab when you remove cabin and lock the diff full time cause with out it it just kinda dumps the power in random wheels. give it more add-on options. give it special antarctic studded tires for ice. lower center of gravity a little.make this beast more of a treat when you finally reach level 30 and can use it.
6.Tatra Phoenix/Force/T813. give them all more add-ons. i like them but never use them cause they are so useless. give them low saddles and cranes at least. give the force a lift! or addaptive suspension cause it just leans forward all the time. and its special ramped towing platform a full suit of repair points and spare wheels make me want to use it! maybe a hair large tires like 53 or 55 with lift and this thing would rock. Phoenix. small lift 50 inch tires optional love its stability more addons. T813 more Addons. just give them all a low saddle and yellow crane and i would use them.
7.Derry 3194 and 4520. 15c. 3194- give option to remove dead axle. giant flat area behind cab. supplies or yellow crane. cool truck. maybe small lift and 55 inch tires. 4520- better engine and lift option with bigger tires like 55s. yellow crane behind cab. large wide tire option like real truck. 15c- lower center of gravity a little. fun truck. give multipurpose gearbox a High range Gear. let it pull a trailer with fire tank on. and let fire tank double as fuel carrier. same for any truck that has water carrier. same size but fuel.
8.Navistar 5000-MV awesome truck. give more exhaust options so i can see lol maybe reduce exhaust make the yellow crane fit with low and high saddle. thing looks solid so give it roof rack supplies. like 20 gallons and 200 repair points and 1 tire. mud tire options. lvl locked switchable diff lock.
9.give all small scouts the ablility to be upgraded to wider axels and 44-50 inch tires so they can actually be used in the worse maps. like if jeep had wider axles and 44-50 inch mud tires upgrades i could actually get around on the worse maps. jeep add carrier around spare for holding fuel and repair points. maybe add similar setups for scouts with spare on back.
10.Paystar5070. give bigger tires with the lift. maybe msh3 and 4 tires for better stability options. maybe another engine option but its power is ok for a truck you can get earlier on but should have late game option.
11.Paystar5600ts. my baby the 10 wheeled thirsty lady. a little bigger fuel tank. or a lot bigger.90-140gallons im a little biased. but small center of gravity improvement it likes to end up on its roof and a spare tire behind cab in the spot between the stairs. cause im always poping tires in this thing. small roof rack. and a High saddle!!! maybe 4 slot cargo bed. give option for van body with yellow crane behind it and low or high saddle if it will fit. :D
12.Loadstar 1700 more options and mud tires one of my favorite scouts. more capacity for bed storage and special vanbody add-on. crane and small bed combo if it will fit. low saddle crane combo roof rack.
13.Voron Grad. cant connect trailer when sideboard bed and crane are on. but there is plenty of room. could push crane and bed forward about a foot. Takes too much suspension damage
14.give zikz 605/mastadon/derry15c medium log carrier
15.Tayga 6455b. turns like a boat. and takes a too much suspension damage.
ive been brain dumping all my random thoughts for 2 hours so this will do. add your opinions and ideas or for the game down bellow. or critique some my change ideas or add your own. :D

Morning rose with the sun shining down past the bundle of bamboo. The song of birds could be heard far away, as everything laid dormant. Close to where Eientei stood; still retaining most of its infrastructure, was everyone who had survived another blood moon night.
Sumireko woke up, feeling groggy as she rubbed her eyes and stood up. She looked around and found Rumia next to her. She recalled what had happened last night, how Rumia nearly lost control again and killed someone. Fortunately for everyone Sumireko still had the White Rose on her, even if she still doesn’t know why it reacts under a blood moon.
“What a night.” She thought. “You think that we could have at least one night in Gensokyo without anything happening. But then again, it is Gensokyo.”
She looked over to her left, finding another figure who laid on the ground. Her hair was a dark auburn, with a pair of wolf ears and long claw-like nails on her hands. She looked to be sleeping peacefully; as though everything that happened last night never happened. The only issue however is that she didn’t seem to have anything to wear, which caused Sumireko to look away upon realizing that fact.
“And another person who we ran into along our travels too. It feels like everytime we go somewhere we find an abandoned place, meet someone new, then fight bad guys and nearly die in the process.” Sumireko thought, looking around to see if anyone else was awake. “I guess I should go wake the others since I’m up.”
…
Kagerou Imaizumi was sitting inside the clinic on a small stool, her body covered up with a cloak given to her by Satsujin after he and everyone else woke up. Many of them were still injured so they went back inside knowing there would be supplies and medicine which can heal them up in a jiffy. Currently Wakasagihime was keeping her company, as was Kosuzu, and Sumireko, while the others were looking for whatever medicine Eirin made that could heal all wounds in seconds.
“I’m so glad you’re okay Kagerou.” Wakasagihime said while hugging her friend as tight as she could with tears of joy. “To think that you were the giant wolf all along.”
“I-I’m glad to see you also.” Kagerou, feeling her lungs being pressed together thanks to the sheer strength the mermaid had. She didn’t want to push her friend away though, so she remained quiet about it. “It’s a good thing that I didn’t mistake you for food or something.”
“So, what do you know?” Sumireko asked, wondering if the wolf girl had any recollection of what happened last night or anything prior. “Do you remember what you did during the blood moon?”
“Um, not really… I do remember when everything turned to chaos about a month ago. I just remember finding refuge with some other youkai who I knew from the Grassroots Youkai Network. We were fine at first for a couple of weeks; hiding in a cave big enough to hold about 10 or so of us. But then one night one of us noticed the area outside turning red like it did before, only this time someone got curious and checked it out… Then the next thing I knew I myself was fleeing for my life out in the open, trying to avoid looking at the light’s origin.”
“But you did anyway, didn’t you.” Kosuzu asked. “That’s when you turned into that beast.”
Kagerou nodded. “I have the ability to turn into a werewolf on full moons. Normally I hate it because I end up so hairy. But I guess the red colored moon amplified that somehow. I really don’t remember what happened afterwards, but when I reverted back to my normal self, I didn’t have anything to wear, and I could recall the aftertaste of rabbit… I must’ve eaten a lot of people during those nights… You must hate me because of that.” She said in a down tone.
“Hate you? I would never!” Wakasagihime said. “You and Sekibanki are two of my closest friends! I would never hate either of you no matter what!” She said, squeezing her tighter than before.
“T-Thank you…Princess.” Kagerou said, feeling her ribs being crushed. “C-could you loosen your grip now please?”
"Wait, where is Satsujin?" Sumireko said, looking around. “Wasn’t he here not too long ago?”
“I think he went to check on the others.” Kosuzu said.
"Hey." A feminine voice spoke from nowhere.
And there was Satsujin, or rather, Satsuki, who was wearing a new attire, consisting of a black kimono with a cherry flower imprint, along with a hair retouch that made the original's style go from a natural mess to something more sophisticated.
"So, how do I look? I just found this room with a lot of intact clothes, and I figured out I could give myself and him a new coat of paint." Satsuki said, spinning around.
"I don't know why you chose this attire, rather than something that won't mess up so easily." A layered voice said.
"Hey, you should've been glad I took the time to give us some basic care! You haven't changed our clothes in days! Besides, what's so bad about fighting with style?" Satsuki said.
"Whatever. I'm just glad there's something covering me down there at least." The layered voice said.
Sumireko starred with wide eyes, almost in disbelief in the outfit in question. It seemed odd but at the same time it suited Satsujin, or in this case Satsuki very well. Wakasagihime and Kagerou both looked in awe. Kosuzu on the other hand had a much more ecstatic expression.
“Oh my god!!!” Kosuzu said. “You look amazing in that! You look like a refined noble lady. No, better. You look like an impoverished boy who had been turned into a beautiful woman with the help of a kind goddess, who gets taken in by a noble samurai as you both fall in love and get married and have a beautiful daughter together!!! This gives me an idea for a possible story actually! Oh, if only I had my books with me!” She squealed.
Meanwhile, Mary could just admire her partner in crime, unable to say anything. She had her hands clenched together, moving towards her. "You look…so…PRETTY!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH~" She said, screaming like a fangirl, with a full face blush.
Some of the others had similar impressions. Meiling liked Satsuki’s style, Suika gave a thumbs up, Ko could only stare with mild confusion; believing that the person in front of her was supposed to be Satsujin.
The one person who had a much different opinion on the matter was Youki. The swordsman took a good look at the blue-red eyed girl, and how much prettier she was now. It was enough for him to leave the room momentarily, only to return after wiping his nose of any possible blood that might’ve leaked.
Inside Satsujin’s mind, a few of his variants had similar yet mixed feelings regarding Satsuki’s style choice. Satsunyan was one of the few who was very excited.
“Nyah! We look totes adorbs! You go girl!” Satsunyan said.
“Why…are we wearing a dress?” Satsuko asked Sateen.
“Because the fouls of darkness that haunts our very being wishes to make us suffer, knowing full well that the draconic aura of our hearts would dwindle upon receiving compliments that would make us question the many things that make us who we are.” Sateen said in an edgy tone.
“Why…Didn’t you stop her?” Grim asked Satsujin. “No, seriously why?”
“Because it was better than not being exposed.” Satsujin answered.
…
After some recovering and conversations, the group knew the next task at hand: Figuring out where to go next.
“Kosuzu?” Sumireko asked the young spirit. “Do you have any possible idea on where everyone from Eientei went?”
“I wish I knew, but unfortunately I don’t know. When I became a spirit, everyone was already gone, leaving me here alone. I tried checking the entries in hope that there would be some kind of clue, but no.” Kosuzu flipped through the pages of the journal to show that there was no proof of Haru’s whereabouts. “I’m sorry I can’t be of much help.”
“So we’re back to square one.” Suika stated. “We came all the way here, nearly lost our lives repeatedly, and we still have no clue on if all our friends are still in the land of the living.”
“Hey, don’t say it like that. I know they’re still out there somewhere.” Kosuzu said. “Besides, they have Haru with them. I haven’t known him for too long, but I know that he is very capable and very strong.”
“Yeah, and with a ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ kind of attitude.” Suika said. “Or in his case: Chop someone’s arm off without giving a valid reason, then stay in their home knowing full well you’re making everyone else anxious just by being in your presence, while having next to no social awareness.”
“Eh?” Kosuzu was a little confused. “What do you mean Suika? Do you know him?”
“Oh… You have no idea.” Suika said in a calmer voice. She reached into her pocket once again, checking to make sure a certain box was still on her personnel.
“Uh…Well anyways. If only we had something to give us a clue on where to go next.” Kosuzu said.
And then flying out of the sky, into the doors of Eientei, down the endless hallways, making several turns around corners, slipping through the crack of the door into the room where most of everyone was in, slapping onto the face of Meiling was a sheet of paper. The gatekeeper took the paper off her face, looking at it closely.
“What’s that?” Cirno asked Meiling.
“A paper… With horrible handwriting.” Meiling said.
“That’s definitely Haru’s.” Sumireko said. “PB?”
“On it.” PB took the paper, making a translated copy and handing it over to Kosuzu.
—
May 4th, Year 202X
Time of writing: 7 pm. Cloudy day. Chance of soft rain tonight.
It's been a few hours since Kosuzu's cremation ceremony.
Not all of us were able to attend, as there were many who were still injured and needed someone to provide care for them. That only left me, Akyuu, and a handful of other people who knew her well.
Akyuu was heartbroken to see her friend die. The whole time while she was speaking she couldn’t stop crying or sobbing everytime she finished a sentence. When she finished she bawled her eyes out and I along with a few others had to go take her to another room.
Flandre’s condition had improved physically, I noticed how her wings have been growing back and forming new crystals, something I didn’t expect to see nor understand. However her mental condition remained the same. Even now, she doesn’t talk to anyone, she won’t eat unless someone spoon-feeds her, and she still keeps clinging onto that container of ash labeled ‘Remilia’. I wish I could do more for her, but…
I don’t know what to do.
I came here to Gensokyo by pure chance, only for my skills to be put up to the challenge the moment The Depraved Incident occurred. I've been working day and night; barely any sleep or time to rest, just to help everyone and anyone who I can still save.
But I still keep failing, I still keep losing those who I wish to save. To think I still call myself a doctor after all of this…
But I still can’t give up, nor can I allow myself to grieve.
I've been considering making an expedition over to Youkai Mountain tomorrow. Because of the tengu village, and the shrine that sits on top of the mountain, there is a pretty good chance that there is some sort of resistance established there. And considering that I could find tougher enemies to deal with before getting there, I've decided to bring two more people with me just in case. The two best options I'm considering right now are Seiran and Aunn. First off, Seiran can use that strange telepathic communications mechanism exclusive to her species she told me some time ago to keep constant contact with Ringo, in case something goes wrong, and second, since Aunn is the more visible face of the Hakurei Shrine aside from Reimu herself, it might make things easier when we need someone to vouch for us.
I'll announce my plan later today to the rest of the team. It shouldn't be a problem to convince them, but if it goes wrong, I'll have to go alone, as always.
…
I̳͍ͭͧ͘͝ ̛̙̜ͪ̏́cͨ͂҉̞̪͘a̛̻̪̐̿͡n̵̨̘͔ͭͥ'̸͆ͪ҉̥͉t͙̹ͦ̈͘͜ ̬͓̊̈͞͡d̴̀̚҉͚̰o̢ͦ͋҉͖̻ ͣͮ͜҉̥̗t̖͍ͥͩ͝͠h̶̙̞͊̑͝i̶͖̤̒̋͝ș̨̞̉͆͞ ̶̶̭͚ͨ̊a̳̮ͣ̄̕͠n̢͖̥̔̀͢y̵͎͍̽ͮ͜mͧ͒͏̡̪̠ó̹̱ͪ͜͝ŗ̑͑͏̠̦e̛̠͈ͫ̿͝.͐ͩ͞҉̥̻ ͍̞̋̏͟͞
—
“...” Kosuzu looked at the last part of the entry with a sense of worry, with feelings concerned over what it could mean.
“Youkai Mountain? That’s where they went?” Sumireko said.
“That makes sense actually.” Meiling said. “From what I know, it is home to the Kappa and Tengu, both of whom are talented and knowledgeable respectively. Plus you also got Moriya Shrine there, which most people can access via the ropeway.”
“Ropeway?” Mary asked.
“Yeah, the ropeway. It’s easy to identify with the little sign close to it. I can’t imagine anyone missing it and attempting to scale up the entire mountain by themselves.” Meiling chuckled.
“Well what are we waiting for? We should head over there as soon as possible!” Sumireko said.
*growl*
Everyone heard the sound of a stomach rumbling. That stomach being Kagerou, whom they all looked at.
“Um… Sorry.” Kagerou blushed a little. “I guess I haven’t eaten much.”
“Even despite what happened last night?” A few thought.
“I guess it is better to find something to eat first; gather up some energy so we are ready for when we depart.” Cirno said. “Now, what kind of food would a clinic have…”
While the others looked for something they could possibly eat, Kosuzu continued to look over the entry again, trying to see if there was something else.
“Is there something on your mind, Kosuzu?” PB asked her.
"I'm worried about something else. The last line of the journal is unreadable. Mr. PB, are you sure you transcribed it well?" Kosuzu said, handing the transcription again to PB.
“Hm… I am certain that I have. Though this is strange, as though it is unnatural…” PB looked at the paper once again. “But then again I have seen similar scenarios in the past with previous companions long ago. Something like this is usually a sign of their mental health waning; the energy to keep running low until they are completely drained.”
“S-should I be worried then?” Kosuzu asked, concerned about what it could mean regarding Haru.
“Hm… Well if there is one thing I can say, and this is based on an old friend of mine… Is that the ones who are the most depressed are usually the ones who are too stubborn to give up. Judging on what I know about this Dr. Haru, he sounds like a man who can be pummeled to near-death, yet gets right back up again just to prove his resilience.”
“What is this old friend you speak of?” Kosuzu asked. “Are they someone you know well?”
“Indeed. I can still remember the first time we met. The journeys we went through, the friends we made, the struggles we accomplished… It is a shame that they went through so much, all because of my value.” PB said. “Perhaps someday, we can meet again, though when it’ll happen remains unknown in my database.”
Kosuzu looked at PB, then down at the entry again, staring at the words for a moment.
"I just wish he is still holding on." Kosuzu thought, clenching her hand in her chest, looking at the sky. "Friend…"
…
A small container with an exciting label of a whole roasted bird being converted into a tiny little pill, referred to simply as “Insta-dinner: An entire full course meal in a single pill!!!”
This was what everyone used to fill up their stomachs. Just one pill and bam! However, Sumireko kept staring at it, not eating it. The rest's appetites were satiated.
Meiling took one with some water, and moments later all the hunger she had felt since yesterday had all but faded.
“Oh, I feel full. I don’t think I felt full in months!” Meiling said.
“I know right! I had to eat like three of these just for my stomach to say that I had enough.” Suika said.
Some of the others were a little doubtful on the effects of the pill however. Sumireko was looking at the small red and brown colored capsule with slight doubt.
"Oh. The last thing we need is to turn someone here into a giant blueberry and then have them go through a juicer." Sumireko said, reluctant to take the pill.
“I have no idea what you’re referring to.” Satsujin said, taking the pill himself. “You should eat it anyways, because who knows how long we’ll get to eat again.”
Sumireko was going to say that dead people wouldn’t eat. But then remembered a certain ghost and her gluttonous appetite, so she remained silent about the matter and swallowed the medicine.
Now it was time to get ready. Once they leave Eientei, they’ll be making a one way trip over to Youkai Mountain. Some of the group members were doing some last-minute things before they depart.
Youki, Mary, and Cirno were sharpening their blades to ensure efficiency in combat, using the grindstone Mary had found a while back.
"Mary's grindstone proved to be an excellent tool. My sword is as good as new again." Youki said, checking the weapon one last time.
Ko was spending a bit more time with Rumia, resting her head on her lap while Rumia stroked her hair. Gummy and Shanghai accompanied Ko as well.
Suika was chugging down her gourd before the trip.
Wakasagihime and Kagerou were chatting, with Kagerou now wearing a new outfit identical to her old one.
Meiling was in the middle of meditating.
Satsujin was checking on some things inside his mind.
That only left Sumireko, who was standing alone by herself while holding the white rose in her hand. She looked at it, though questioning its existence and purpose. She could recall what Merciel and Su-Wang have told her regarding the rose’s power.
You have to be absolutely certain… Was what Merciel told her.
That would mean you would no longer have it… Was what Su-Wang said.
Thinking about it, she and everyone in their group were very fortunate to not have been killed or corrupted during their travels. If anything happened, then at some point she would’ve had to determine if it was worth using the rose or not. Sure, they can bring someone back to life, but what if by using it now, they waste the opportunity to use it later for someone more important?
As she thought that, she noticed PB and Kosuzu coming back, with the young spirit holding what looked to be a flask containing a pile of ash.
"Why are you carrying that?" Sumireko asked, pointing to the flask she had on her hands.
"I want to ask you all a favor. When we get through all of what will come, and find out where they went, could you please…spread my ashes on what's left of my library?" Kosuzu said, moving over to the front so everyone could hear her.
The room got very quiet suddenly. Everyone turned to hear what Kosuzu just said. They were a little surprised to hear that come from her of all people; some even almost forgetting that the young bookworm who could always be seen sweeping her family’s store was now dead.
Sumireko looked back at the flower again, then at Kosuzu. If she really wanted to she could just hand the flower to her and use it to revive her. It would be easy after all; bring someone back from the dead and be done with it.
Yet… She remained quiet. While everyone knew of the flower’s healing properties, none of them knew about its ability to revive others, save for herself. She only wants to use the rose in case of an emergency.
Someone truly important.
“Sure thing Kosuzu.” Sumireko said in a slightly saddened tone.
“Thank you.” Kosuzu said.
…
Everyone departed Eientei, making their way out the doors of the long abandoned clinic, and out into the morning sunrise that could be seen past the bamboo. For some reason, most of them felt like their journey was slowly coming to an end; just one last place to look and it’ll be over.
One journey ends, and another begins. A quote that Sumireko thought for some reason yet couldn’t recall where she heard it. She had put the rose away, moving her hand over to the locket that was still around her neck.
She looked inside, remembering the smile of her late little sister, before closing it and quickly catching up to everyone else.
“Up next everyone! We’re going to Youkai Mountain!” Sumireko said.
“YEAH!!!” Everyone cheered, following the psychic through the Bamboo Forest of the Lost.
—
Moriya Shrine…
Located somewhere close to the top of Youkai Mountain. The home of two goddesses and a wind priestess…Least, it used to.
Right in front of the shrine, a girl wearing pure white miko clothing had been kneeling down on the shrine grounds, giving a prayer to whomever may be listening. That girl was Yuzuki, the current temporal Shrine Maiden. And behind her was Kasen Ibaraki, currently possessed by the God of Despair Demise.
Inside the Shrine, a voice spoke.
“So… In exchange for this newfound body you gave me, all I have to do is beat up some kids?” The voice asked.
“Why, of course. A man as great as you should have no problem doing a simple task.” Demise said in a charming tone. “Why, the body Yuzuki gave you using her power matches your charismatic personality! I’d say you’re much more captivating than I am.”
“Heh…Those words…You make me blush honestly.” The figure said. “And yet we’re so alike, are we not? We both know that our charm and skills are what put us on the top; having our hands grip tight on the leashes of those we control and manipulate; climbing ladders made of bones of our enemies.”
“Haha…I have to agree with you… After all, to think that an all-powerful being such as you reincarnated into one of the most powerful men of this universe… A shame of what happened to you and your brother though back where we came from. Who knew the other gods wouldn’t agree with your views on the mortal realms?”
“My brother… That reminds me… How is Larry doing?” The voice asked, inside a figure showed a sharp smile.
“Your brother is doing well, Simon… I’d say he’s been getting well acquainted with the Satori, all thanks to the hard-working efforts of Professor Altalune.” Demise said. “A genius man indeed. But nowhere near the level of intelligence or wisdom your brother bears.”
“But of course. And you; with your foresight and your ability to control vibrations… It is nothing compared to the vast power that I now hold once again.” Simon said. “Oh…And one last thing before you go.”
“What is it, oh Omniscient One?” Demise asked.
“How many do you wish for me to kill?”
Demise smiled, looking into the future for a brief moment to get an idea on what’s to come. Then he held out his hand in response.
“Two. No more, no less.” Demise answered.
---
To Be Continued in ACT 2-11: Ropeway to False Divinity
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