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Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
— Langston Hughes
Catalogue Description
Self-Monitoring Behavioural Management Report: Casimir Szymański, Scazim Institute of Science and Technology - English Translation
Date:
15 Summer-2 3429 (Standard Parimthian Calendar)
November 23rd, 2162 (Gregorian Calendar)
Held by:
The UK National Archives, Kew
Legal status:
Public Record(s)
My father worshipped a fabricated, pagan prophet.
The Senghavi of the Parimthian Empire are principally joined under the ditheistic religion called Siedi, which I do not subscribe to. Of course, the Senghavi's literature, art, and faith flooded the whole of Earth upon their arrival a century ago. From this ocean of civilised culture, my degenerate species drew a sample, claimed it as our own, and polluted it with a distorted, appropriated, dumbed-down doctrine.
The central figure in this corrupt sample of Siedi was a man whom my father called Jesus Christ. He was said to have offered himself as a sacrifice that could be made to a single God. It was a final sacrifice, one beyond lambs or cattle or people. One that would atone for humanity's sins, so that we could have the free choice between the eternal presence of God and the eternal absence of "Him."
My father dressed himself in black, with a standing collar whose white fabric was exposed at the centre. That much, I could recall. He preached to hopeful humans in what was called a church, though I did not know what he was preaching. At the very least, my childhood is fuzzy in that regard.
The pain that throbbed through my skull, after the blonde savage had slammed my head against the ridges of the airlock, faded into the background. I could not focus; perhaps, I thought, one of their improvised explosives had gone off by accident. There was blue Senghavi blood staining my dress shirt. The rush of air escaping into vacuum pierced my ears.
Perhaps it was thirst of water, which binds most sapient beings—the Sons of Liberty had reached an agreement with the Colonial Defence Force to allow spacecraft delivering food, water, and medical aid, only to unleash the anti-collision lasers of this cursed spaceliner upon those very ships.
Or perhaps it was the explosion, as I initially thought, an inadvertent complication which had wrought injury and death over my countrymen, and which had forced the terrorist savages to attempt to patch up the many hull breaches left by debris.
Or perhaps it was simply the stress of betraying, in my desperate efforts to save everyone from this senseless violence, the greatest secret of the Senghavi Terrans: our antimatter research. Word of it had likely been forwarded already, hundreds of light-years away, to that pink-hued marble which was Parimth itself.
Or perhaps it was all three; thirst, explosion, and stress. In any case, my mind shut it all out, and something lost from my childhood flashed before me:
We're standing on the cracked street of the Vennec Human Reservation. In the distance, the Senghavi's white, glassy spires reach above the clouds, their accents of luminescence dim in the broad daylight.
I hold a ball in my palm. It's wrapped in white leather held together with red stitching. I toss it to Dad.
Instead of his clerical uniform, he wears the normal "T-shirt" and "cargo shorts." Along with the clerical getup, they are just two of the many sorts of clothing which the Senghavi have invented for humanity. I toss the ball to Dad, and he swings a primitive wooden bat.
The ball goes soaring, further than he meant to. He jogs down the road to retrieve it, then gives me the wooden bat. The breeze ruffles his hair just as he ruffles mine with his hand.
"Now, you try," he says. "It's just practice, that's all."
For some reason, he lifts one leg in the air, then pitches the ball to me. I swing. The impact of the ball shakes through the wood, and it goes careening off to the left.
"I did it!" I yell. "But it went out of bounds."
"Heyyyy, that's not bad," Dad says with a reassuring voice. "Good job, just try to go a little more right next time."
Mom comes out onto the front porch, the breeze ruffling her dress as she waves to Dad. "Dinner's ready, and Mom's pie is... almost ready."
I stare blankly at her until I realise that she is talking about her Mom, Grandma, who is the best at making pumpkin pie.
"The pie!" I shout, running and jumping to the front door. "I totally forgot about that!"
I am ready to speed my way through dinner just so I can get to dessert, but Dad stops me before my first bite.
Of course, I think. We need to say grace. Me, Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa all hold hands, thanking God for our food, and then dig in. But Mom and Dad just talk about work, and I am too focused on finishing my food quickly to pitch in.
Finally—Grandma's pie!
When you bite into the soft, smooth filling, you can instantly tell it's been made with fresh pumpkins, not the boring canned ones. The taste of cinnamon and spice is balanced out perfectly with the coolness of the whipped cream.
The flavour spreads through my tongue and nostrils, filling my entire brain with a feeling of amazing-ness. If I wrote the Simple-Speak Dictionary for Senghavi Terrans, I'd put Grandma's pie next to the translation of "perfection."
I should save a slice, I think, for the Senghavi kid.
Even though it's only been a week since I met him through the playground fence, we already told each other where we live, and I want to get to know him more. He doesn't live on the Vennec Human Reservation, but his house is just a bike-ride away in Fellye Neighborhood.
I wonder if anyone's ever given pumpkin pie to an alien before. Even though humans only invented it fifty years ago, it makes me feel proud of my species!
When Mom tucks me into bed, kissing my forehead, I tell her what I'm going to do.
"Oh, you wild thing," she coos. "You're so much like your father. And you have his eyes, you know? Just stay safe."
"Don't worry, I'll do my best."
>! "Good night. I love you." !<
>! "I love you, too, Mom," I say. I hug her tightly from my bed, and a warm, fuzzy feeling blossoms within me. I can hardly fall asleep in my excitement. !<
Luckily, Fellye Neighborhood doesn't take apartheid that seriously, and I don't think anybody cares about an eight year-old human riding his bicycle around the gates.
Next evening, I do just that, peddling out of the Reservation's entrance into the violet dusk. When I get to Mensim's address, I ring the hi-tech front doorbell, and a really tall Senghavi shows up.
"Oh, dear," she says in Parimthian. "A barbarian hatchling—by what name do you go?"
"I'm Casimir," I say nervously. I don't pay that much attention in school, but I know just enough Parimthian to talk to the Senghavi woman. "Are you Mrs. Munghazi? Is Mensim fe Munghazi here? I got two slices of pie. You can have one, too!"
She looks at me suspiciously, antennae twitching. "That would be Teacher Munghazi to you; I know not why you natives invented these odd 'Mister' and 'Missis' honorifics. Hold on—Ghanvati! A native hatchling stands at our doorstep!"
Ghanvati must be Mensim's dad. I wonder where his other moms are; only one has shown up to the door. Ghanvati shows up with two of them—they are both shorter and daintier than Teacher Munghazi, their raptorial forelimbs folded shyly against their bodies. In front of the group of three is Mensim, and I involuntarily gasped with excitement.
"Mensim!"
"This is your new companion?" Ghanvati asks Mensim.
Mensim's papery forewings flicker with affirmation. "I met him at school."
"What, pray tell, is the point of apartheid if it does not actually keep natives away from Senghavi?" whines one of Ghanvati's wives.
Ghanvati's antennae droop as if to say "I don't know," while Mensim lifts my arms, inspecting me like I am a test animal in a mad scientist's laboratory.
"How do you guys not get cut all the time?" he asks, tracing his tarsal hairs over my bare skin. "You're so fleshy!"
"I do get cut all the time," I giggled. "We just use band-aids. Oh, do you wanna eat a pumpkin pie?"
It turned out that pumpkin pie is bad for alien stomachs. Mensim had to go to the bathroom for a long time, and three of his moms got mad at me.
When I got back, Dad and Mom were arguing. I snuck close to the back porch, making sure they couldn't hear me.
"Yes, they leave some people alone," Dad said. "Obviously, they can't spy on every single human who believes in human religions. But Katarzyna, they still need people to make an example out of, and I don't want to be that person!"
"Casimir is a responsible kid," Mom retorts. "I told him he can't tell anyone what you do, and he listens to me."
"He's eight years old. You can't just let him wander around aliens with a secret that could have me killed! Or have you killed!"
Mom cups Dad's cheek and looks him in the eye. She's a lot shorter than him. "Look, love. You're a great father, and I think it's amazing that you spend time with him. But you're the only person he talks to. You know just as well as I do that he needs to talk to other kids! It's not healthy; even Teacher Perevvoxath agreed. And now he finally has a friend."
Dad sighs, running his hands through his black hair. My hair. "You really think aliens are a substitute for human interaction?"
>! "I think every human needs a person they can talk to, and Casimir found one. If you really care about him, stop preaching for a while! Your church isn't gonna die without you. It'll be okay." !<
The next day, I visit Mensim's house after school again. And the next day after that, and the next after that. His dad Ghanvati is formally named Engineer Munghazi. I am to call his moms Teacher Munghazi, Teacher Munghazi, Teacher Munghazi, Accountant Munghazi, Priestess Munghazi, Doctor Munghazi, and Maidservant Munghazi.
A couple weeks later, Mensim and I are lounging together on his couch, watching a Parimthian war movie. The main characters are fighting against the evil forces of the Imperium of Orion. Under his head capsule, Mensim is munching something called Synth-Fruit, which is imported from a faraway planet called Mryi. I eat Pop-Tarts, which I'm pretty sure are toxic to him.
"Come on, just give me one," Mensim exclaims, reaching over to steal the sweet snacks from me. "It can't be that bad!"
I lift the Pop-Tarts away from him, laughing. "Stoppit, you're attacking me! Pay attention to the movie, or I'm gonna shoot you!"
"But I just want one..."
"It's gonna poison you, and you're gonna get your weird alien throw-up all over me!"
Priestess Munghazi, the oldest of his moms, bursts into the living room, her jewellery clinking over her clerical cape.
"Your sister conveyed to me quite the disturbing piece of news, Mensim," Priestess Munghazi cries. "The father of Casimir is a priest of a most barbarous and evil perversion of the Siedi faith. Ghanvati and I spoke, and we agreed that you are not to consort with this primitive, pagan savage any longer."
I drop my crumbly Pop-Tart on the couch, confused at the sudden order.
"But Priestess Munghazi, I'm not dangerous or evil. I'm just a kid."
"Nonsense! You are dangerous; your father is a barbarian worshipper of this evil, primate paganism that is called Christianity, and a most woeful effect is begot that even self-respecting Senghavi have 'gone native,' as they say. Mensim, if you continue to consort with this native spawn, I will be impelled to inform the Siedi Court, and they may by chance see to it that he is executed!"
"W-Wait!" Mensim says, holding up the remote to pause our movie. He gets off of me, suddenly losing interest in my Pop-Tart, his vestigial forewings rising with concern. "Please, Mother. I promise he won't be any trouble."
My blood runs cold. Dad, executed? Just because what he believes in isn't "civilised" enough? Actually, I thought that Mom told him to stop preaching for a while.
Mensim scrambles to *his *father's sleeping quarters, and I trail frantically after him.
"Father," Mensim says. "Is Casimir's father's job so ghastly that he should be executed by the Siedi Court?"
"We can't just let the natives spread the same barbarous religions that they used to kill each other," Ghanvati replies, his secondary arms clasped together. "It's a threat to safe, moral society. Priestess Munghazi told me his father spreads evil and paganism. I have no reason not to trust the oldest of your mothers."
"But Casimir's my best friend! If you tell the Siedi Court about his father, I'll... I'll run away! I'll hate you!"
Distressed vibrations emanate through the floor beneath my feet; Mensim's antennae and papery forewings and hindwings go limp. Something like lilies and the earthy scent of rain fills the air.
"My dearest Mensim," Ghanvati says softly, dipping his head capsule with compassion. "I will hold off, just this once. It would be apt of you not to cause me to reconsider."
"T-thank you, Engineer Munghazi," I say, wiping my own tears. "My dad's not a bad person, I promise."
*After confronting his dad, Mensim and I keep on watching movies and playing digital games. He always wins when we wrestle, but I still haven't given up (even though Priestess Munghazi always tells us to stop roughhousing). *
I even bring my Lego pieces to his house. He doesn't know what Legos are, but later, in his sleeping quarters, we build together. He makes a cool-looking spaceship that he calls a "negative energy generator."
"Hey, you took all the cool black and grey pieces," I complain. "Now I can't finish my army base!"
"This is cooler than your army base," Mensim says proudly. "Father used to work in one. It uses the superposition of squeezed vacuum states to produce a field of negative energy density."
"I have no idea what that means, but that sounds really smart."
*"No kidding! It's how people make wormholes and fly all the way to other stars." *
"Well, my army guys could beat your negative energy-thingy. They have machine guns."
"My guys could just fly a [~million billion trillion kilometres] away, and yours can't do anything about it!"
"Then your guys are wimps. But my guys aren't. Because they're the Army!"
>! *We also explore the pine forest in his backyard. Within just two more weeks, we have uncovered all sorts of interesting things, like a piece of a real human skull. One time, we found a human foot sculpted and smoothed out of stone—who would make such a thing?—and a dead metal device with the icon of a bitten-out-of apple printed on it. *!<
There were also other human body parts made out of ancient stone, too: the cracked half of a man's face buried a foot deep, a muscly arm sticking out of the soil. Even a private part, which I snickered at, though Mensim seemed unfazed.
There is something else we start to do. My parents have given me "the talk," and Mensim told me that his parents gave him the Senghavi version of it. And so even as we talk and play in the woods, we experiment—because we are curious, and why should we not be?
A fragment of a memory in the forest; Mensim's raptorial forelimbs are set on my shoulders as his compound eyes look into my primate eyes, and he says, "You cannot tell anyone about this. Anyone. Absolutely no one."
I don't know how, but Priestess Munghazi learned of what we were doing, and now she expresses anger and disgust alike, her wings and antennae wild and rigid. Ghanvati is the same. Mensim and I... We're actually making them reconsider their decision not to tell the Siedi Court about my dad.
A fragment of a memory... I feel like I am in space, stranded aboard a spaceliner that has been hijacked by terrorists, its atmosphere venting amid a backdrop of violence... But I am not, I am in the forest that Mensim and I talked and played in; I am in Mensim's home, terrified as I am yelled at by Ghanvati, whose compassion no longer shines through, accompanied by Priestess Munghazi.
"By the names of the Gods, it's those false, pagan corruptions which humans have named as their religions, that are spouted by your father," Priestess Munghazi spits. I am teary-eyed and snot-nosed from guilt and embarrassment. "How horrid is the link between the state of barbarism and a most revolting and shameful propensity for bizarre and perverted behaviour!"
Then I am in my own family's living room, and the mom I love so dearly yells at me, too, but my father is quieter and only seems disappointed. This must be the first time in my life that I have felt true shame, I think; the kind that leaves you with an emptiness inside. Like the whole point of existing just vanished inside of me.
*The worst part is that I cannot even lean on Mom's shoulder, because she is distressed—because she knows what will happen— *
"This is all on you, Casimir!" she screeches, tears in her eyes. "All on you!"
I remember telling Priestess Munghazi that 'I'm not dangerous or evil; I'm just a kid,' but now I can't be sure anymore. I can tell I am different in the eyes of my family. They are disgusted by me.
After Priestess Munghazi tells the Siedi Court of my father's evil, barbaric Christian teachings, the Parimthian soldiers bring my father to the gallows. Their snow-white exoskeletons gleam under a burning sun. They have dressed him in his clerical uniform, and the camera is close enough that I can see his cross necklace.
I have been grounded in my room; still, I have a television to see the live broadcast.
Hanging works for primates and mantids alike. It happens in the Forum of Movvaeti, the venue for public events in our area, where my father is a lesser criminal compared to the native leaders and Senghavi malcontents who have dissented from Colonial Governor Nieve fe Skellth.
He is joined with seven other convicts, three humans and four Senghavi, and their crimes are read to the crowd—blasphemy, paganism, monogamy, witchcraft, seditious libel, insulting the Parimthian Crown, treason against the Parimthian Crown, and refusal to quarter Parimthian soldiers.
Why? None of this feels right. Why should my father be killed because of what he says and believes? Why can't these people be judged with fairness, rather than at the whim of some distant space emperor?
Not only have I been grounded, but I grow cold without my mother's touch. I want to hold someone's hand while watching Dad lose his life, but nobody is there. Mom brings me food, but she doesn't even look at me. Why can't she look at me? Why can't she speak to me? I just want things to be the way they used to be, when Dad would help me practise hitting a ball with a bat on the street.
I watch him turn down a caped, bejewelled priestess of the Siedi faith, who thought she could make my dad accept their Gods before his death. Before a modest crowd of humans and Senghavi alike, all eight of the convicts have their arms and legs bound with rope.
I am begging myself to turn the TV off, but I can't bring myself to. The Senghavi executioner uses some kind of hi-tech display to remove the supports from beneath the convicts' feet. My stomach flips over inside of me, a nausea of shame filling my body.
I can't deny it any longer. This is my fault—this is why my family avoids me—this is why they are disgusted by me—and Dad falls and his head jerks when the noose goes taut.
As he hangs there, I cannot tell for how long he remains alive. My insides are cold. After the broadcast ends, after night falls and I sit in the moonlight spilling faintly through my windows, that is when it all comes out. I sob alone. I scream for Mom to help me and be there for me, but she does not come. Her harsh voice resonates through my memory; this is all on me. I am a disgrace to everyone I love, and that is why they have left me here. Why they avoid me as if I am a disease.
The only thing I want is to see Dad again, but he is gone forever. I curl up on my room floor. What is this? What is this loneliness? This stinging hatred I feel against myself?
No one, human or mantid, will be there for me. I cry until my throat cannot ache any more harshly, until my eyes cannot sting any more painfully, and then I go cold inside, my body shivering in the moonlight. I retreat into my happy memories with Dad until it is too painful to bear.
I wish so dearly I could end it all, to take my own life and join Dad in the heaven that he believed in. There is a belt in my closet that I can use on myself in the way the Siedi Court killed Dad.
But beneath the sickly well of shame, the nausea and crushing humiliation at the stupid antics of Mensim and I, with which Mom's brief gaze pierces me—beneath the weight of knowing that I will never fill the torturous vacuum Dad left, knowing that I am a foul and disgusting son to the mother I so desperately need, that I see no end to the infinite river of anxiety and guilt pouring through the hole left in my heart—beneath my isolation and my longing for human touch—something breaks inside of me.
An emptiness of purpose. There is no point in going on, and I feel nothing, not even the desire to stop living. There is one exception: A hatred of myself, and of the humans I loved as family.
One day, Mom appears in my doorway, and she just stands there. Before, I would've welcomed being offered interaction with her beyond just receiving food, but now I am numb, my eyes all out of tears to cry.
"Pack your things," she says, her voice flat. She still doesn't look at me; the eyes she once said I inherited from Dad, she now shuns. "You're going to a residential school."
Indigenous Residential Schools; that is what Colonial Governor Nieve fe Skellth calls them, I think. They're for human kids who have trouble letting go of their "savage" roots; kids that the normal schools aren't enough to civilise. Schools that show you how to act Senghavi, to think Senghavi, to... be Senghavi.
There was a human kid in normal school whose sister went there, but they said that something had happened to her there; something in that residential school had changed her before she finally returned.
But I feel no fear as I pack my clothes into my bags. Every time I look in my bedroom mirror, a violent feeling rushes to my chest, only to dissipate into the hatred-tinged numbness I have grown so used to.
Finally, the time comes to depart. In the early morning, I am already aboard the autonomous public transport. It pulls out of the cracked street I once played with Dad in, passing by the entrance of Fellye Neighborhood, driving off into the fiery, violet Terran dawn. I see my faded reflection in the window, and my chest jumps with revulsion.
So I look down, fidgeting with my touchpad—then the numbness abruptly leaves, and my tears fall once again.
Forgive me for all the redaction, Doctor Morgthax. While I will not disclose what I wrote, you are correct, as always, about the act of writing. There is some semblance of psychological relief in typing one's sullen inner thoughts onto a touchpad. As if one can be heard without being heard.
By the time I drifted back to reality, my mouth and lips dry from dehydration, the hijackers had patched up the holes punched through the hull by the accidental explosion. Plenty of Senghavi passengers were spilling cerulean blood from beneath their exoskeletal coverings; though they were all alive, they needed medical attention.
Two hundred-something Senghavi civilians aboard this luxury spaceliner, and none had yet died. That stroke of luck offered me a glimmer of hope.
Pavok, the child, was emitting vibrations through the floor in his despair, the smell of rain and lilies becoming evident to me. It is starkly fascinating, the evolutionary dissimilarity between how native Terrans and Senghavi Terrans cry.
Those ships were delivering medical aid and critical provisions to the passengers, Commander Lokprel barked, the neutrino signals that encoded his gruff voice coming out from the intercom. Why did you laser them?
"Stop playing games," Jake snapped wearily into his radio. I recalled that his full name was Jacob Weaver, as Commander Lokprel had mentioned. A drop of blood streaked down his face. "We know what you're up to."
Paranoia will get you nowhere, Jacob. If we don't work with each other, you won't survive. We have detected an explosion aboard the spaceliner. Is anyone dead?
"Not yet," Jake growled. "But Fenni Svim will be if your forces keep approaching!"
Fenni Svim—the Senghavi from the Vellir Veneti Physics Lab, against whose skull Jake had pressed his pistol to halt the CDF's initial approach, hours ago—stiffened in her seat. I had never known the nuclear researcher very well before this barbarous event, but I prayed to the Gods of Siedi (whom I do not really believe in) that she would be okay.
Many of the passengers were still being kept by the windows to deter snipers. They included Pavok, behind whom Khadija stood guard.
"Sorry for attacking you," Jake suddenly said to me, his voice worn-out. "It's like Khadija said. The bugs know that humans are strong when they're united. It's why they try to play us against ourselves, to ally with just some of us, to try to make us hate each other; to hate ourselves. It's how they tore the United States apart. Everything they do... It's to make us ashamed of our species, our own culture, to lose hope in the future. If we were united, Casimir... they'd be terrified of us. And make no mistake—we're uniting again."
"E-even if what you say about mankind is true," I croaked, "Our species would not have settled anywhere but Earth. Our culture and history would still have been negligible and primitive, the richness and complexity of the Senghavi, still greater by many orders of magnitude."
"Casimir, did you go to one of the Indigenous Residential Schools?" Khadija asked.
"Y-yes," I managed, dusting off my formal wear and cleaning my glasses. "I was sent to one as a child. They are for those of us savage natives which conventional education could not sufficiently civilise."
Khadija's eyes softened with compassion, and she gestured to my wrist. "I asked because of that code on your wrist. I've heard about some of the things that happen in those places. The cruelty; the abuse."
I glanced at the abstract identification code tattooed onto my skin, faded with time. I hadn't thought about it in ages; it was but a remnant of my childhood, and I never paid it any attention.
"Residential schooling is necessary and proper," I tell her. "It is similar to human-mantid apartheid in its purpose; it keeps the public safe from savagery. "
"If we get out of this alive, I'm gonna take you with me to Russia," she said, wiping sweat from her brow. "Specifically, Moscow. It's where I lived after the fall of Türkiye. Man controls it, not the Senghavi."
I was already aware that a vast, untamed region named Zvorriu-Sai, located in Earth's northeastern quarter-sphere, is called Russia in simple-speak. A decade ago, Nieve fe Skellth had tried to civilise the hunter-gatherers who lived there, but his troops starved and froze in the snow.
It was with the multitude of planetary habitat fabricators that his army had been using that the native primates of Zvorriu-Sai constructed such cities as Moscow or Saint Petersburg.
"Russian civilization goes back over a millennium," Khadija explained. "I don't give a fuck about what the Senghavi have built on this planet; Russian architecture is my favourite, hands down. Anyway, it's the most stable and self-sufficient of the ten countries we've got left. Hard to invade, you know? It's seen better days, but the cities are nice, the economy is good. I think you'll find it's a hell of a lot less 'savage' than whatever the fuck the Parimthian Empire is doing."
To corroborate her claims, she showed me a photo from the gallery of her cracked, dusty touchpad. Before a busy canal, the waters tinted orange by a rising sun, a more relaxed version of her smiled into the camera alongside some human of the phenotype I had seen in the video of Tokyo. Looming over them was an intricate, palatial structure topped with colourful, onion-shaped domes.
"How... quaint," I replied, unsure of what to say, though it ignited dry laughter in Khadija.
"Looks like we got a communiqué from the UN," another hijacker announced, his mask still covering his face. I couldn't place his accent at all. He held up his own touchpad, displaying photos of the Colonial Governor herself—Perellanth fe Sumur—flanked by armed UN military personnel. They were clad in urban camouflage that was marred with blood. The black, plant-like extraterrestrial gazed defeatedly in the sterile lighting.
The UN had captured her! The Crown's decision to appoint a Vire as the leader of a Senghavi colony had been no small event. I was certain that after all the talk of Senghavi Terran independence, then followed by the Colonial Governor's capture, His Imperial Majesty regretted his progressivist decision.
"We... We did it!" Jake exclaimed, his voice disbelieving. "We took down Perellanth!"
You achieved nothing, Commander Lokprel retorted over the intercom. Not beyond the promotion of Benghoviu fe Prim to Acting Colonial Governor. If you kill Governor Sumur, Governor Benghoviu will become the permanent Colonial Governor as per the chain of command, and he will carry on the fine work of his predecessor.
Jake seemed to consider that situation a fair one, and he nodded to himself subtly. "Okay, sure. But if you do nothing, we'll still kill our first hostage."
What I can promise you is that Delegate Essintsya fe Baryn will submit an Act to the Forum of Delegates to recognize the sovereignty of the UN. It will be deliberated over for months, but it is your only realistic option. In return, we demand that you allow the passengers injured by one of your explosives to board CDF medical ships.
I recalled that the Forum of Delegates had voted Benghoviu fe Prim as Vice Colonial Governor just a year ago. And before even that, the Senghavi who lived on Vennec—my home continent on Earth—had popularly elected the ever-prudent Essintsya fe Baryn to the Forum. She was quite the economic liberal, as her sort was called.
Delegate Baryn's statements on the social contract between a people and their government, as well as her rejection that the Parimthian Crown ruled by divine right, had resonated deeply with me.
Jake's eyes hardened, and he turned his radio back on. "I said no games!"
There are no games here, Jacob! We only aim to preserve as much sapient life as possible. And you are out of options.
The hijacker who had shown Colonial Governor Sumur's prison photo gave Jake a withering look. "We're dragging this on, man. I don't want anyone to die."
"Don't talk to me about death, Ramiro. Not after what happened in the US."
The so-called United States of America... called Gholo Vieda in Parimthian. That region was Nieve fe Skellth's last successful conquest before he attempted to take on the vast, snowy expanses of Zvorriu-Sai. I wondered if, like Khadija's experience in Türkiye in the Niethvahi region, Jake had witnessed firsthand the cultural assimilation and political integration of Gholo Vieda into the rest of Parimthian Earth.
The conquest of Gholo Vieda and Niethvahi were the great accomplishments of Perellanth's predecessor, of course; but, in my opinion, the devotion of the (now captured) Perellanth to the causes of liberty, reason, equality, and sapientism far outshadowed anything that Nieve had done. I am certain, however, that the Parimthian Crown disagrees.
In any case, my faith in CDF Commander Lokprel loth Fonvie had not risen. Perhaps that was a good thing; otherwise, I might have regretted betraying the knowledge of antimatter research in order to elicit a more competent Parimthian intervention.
More security forces took up positions around the spaceliner, each ship split sharply into sunlight and shadow amid the black of space. The hijacker called Ramiro pointed to a series of smaller craft, which seemed to be pulling away from the luxury spaceliner. Escape pods!
"Hostages are falling through our fingers," Ramiro said. "We need to do something."
"Go to the rear," Khadija ordered. "Stop anyone else from sneaking out!"
Jake's radio crackled with the voice of someone in the cockpit. We've intercepted a neutrino transmission from the new guy, Benghoviu fe Prim. He's calling for some kind of emergency council at the highest levels in the Parimthian Empire.
I scoffed internally. The Crown would intervene for the sake of investigating all this talk of antimatter, whose alluring utility had hitherto been confined to theory and fiction. But it was doubtful that His Imperial Majesty would agree to an emergency council for the sake of his colonists' security and well-being. As (relatively) progressivist as he was in policy, he was still very much a punitive emperor, not a rewarding one.
"I told the commander to stop advancing—dammit!" Jake spat. "We're only letting medical craft get any closer. Fire at the corvettes!"
Affirmative, his radio crackled. Targets in sight.
The spaceliner's anti-collision lasers flashed against several faraway spacecraft. A succession of oxygen-fueled fires, each lasting for a [~split-second] against the vacuum of space, flared in the distance. Even so, the growing array of naval craft began to close in upon us again, surrounding the spaceliner in every dimension.
Switching again to the neutrino-connected channel, Jake gave a disgusted scowl. "Are you deaf, Commander? If your people keep getting closer, the deal is off!"
The more you fire, the closer we will get, *Lokprel said. *We are just making sure it is safe for the medical craft. As long as you refrain from harming them, we will not hurt you.
The hijacker in the cockpit radioed to Jake again, her voice sounding more alarmed.
We're picking up a massive object on our scanners. It's headed our way.
"How massive are we talking?" Jake asked.
It's... some kind of warship, I think. Over a hundred times our size.
"You're joking, right?"
"A Parimthian spacecraft carrier," murmured a soft, whimpery voice.
It was Fenni Svim again, her praying raptorial forelimbs tucked close in fear.
"The Imperial Parimthian Navy?" I asked. "They're really here?"
"Y-you shouldn't act surprised," Fenni said. "I know you were speaking to someone on the P-Parimthian side. You leaked our greatest secret, Casimir."
"R-right."
"What's she talking about, dude?" Khadija asked. Suspicion of betrayal lingered in her dark eyes. She had believed the lie that I was only calling a loved one when I contacted Mensim, >! who is at present an agent of Parimth!<; she had trusted me, and defended me against Jake's wrath.
I didn't answer. The very reason we needed antimatter was that the colonists' outerspace spanned but a meagre few millionths of the Parimthian Empire's total volume. I did not know what exactly a spacecraft carrier one hundred times the size of our spaceliner could do for the hostages, but it would be far more competent than the comparatively flimsy Colonial Defence Force.
Finally, after so many years of strategic modesty in the administration of the Crown's distant colony, of his Earth, as His Imperial Majesty suffered expense upon expense in countering the Imperium of Orion... Parimth had sent a warship of the Imperial Parimthian Navy, here in full force!
There was no need to inquire as to its distance; I could see it through my window. It was far enough that I could view the whole of its great form. Senghavi architecture, of course, is usually round, white, and glassy, traced with glowing accents; however, the imperial warship was boxy and shadowy black, visible only by the silhouette that it carved into the beaming sun.
Already, dozens of smaller craft—operated by some of the finest Senghavi pilots in the Milky Way—began spilling out from the spacecraft carrier, moving in the shadow of their gargantuan mothership. As even the hostage passengers became aware of its presence, the muted chatter and whimpering, which had been ambient across the aisles of the spaceliner, finally ceased.
Because of me, all of us—colonists and savages alike—were, for the first time in a decade, going to face a military intervention by Parimth itself.

21/10/1
I worked with ychild to get her to clean her room. i did not help her but tried to tell her step by step on cleaning. ochild found out and started cleaning his room. He did well but missed something small. I asked him to finish this one section and he flipped out. I did not yell at him but did start to become heated because he was throwing a fit like a toddler. spouse came bursting into the room yelling at me for yelling at ochild.I think ochild knows he just can just yell and stomp to get spouse's attention and I will get in trouble and he will get to do whatever he wants. This is when I finally made up my mind that the only option is divorce. I cannot think that this marriage is fixable now. I did the dishes, cooked supper, cleaned the living room, swept, and vacuumed. spouse asked me when was the last time I cleaned the toilets. spouse slept with the kids.
21/10/2
spouse spent all day in her room working on her school work. I got the dash cams working in both of our vehicles. Worked with the dogl while walking with her harness. I put up all the laundry except for her shirts because there is no room in our closet and we are out of hangers. I picked up all the torn up trash and dog poop in the backyard. Did a water change in the aquarium. ychild has torn up her room that she cleaned the other day. I spent about an hour outside playing with ychild and ochild. I managed to get the kids in bed around 10-10:30pm. spouse announced that she was taking a bath. At the end of the bath I went in. She started talking about how after everyone went to bed she was going to stay up in the livingroom to work on school. She then told me i came in there for a reason and to tell her what was going on. So I asked if I could go down on her that night. She got angry and told me "does not need to be taken care of." I closed the door and left but I could hear her still going off on me. I feel deflated and unloved again. I don't know why I keep trying to bring the spark back in the marriage. spouse slept in our bed last night and ychild joined us. Today I cooked a breakfast supper and made pizza for lunch. I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn't get back to sleep.
21/10/3
I started this journal and decided to try and write about the previous 2 weeks events. My goal is now to record the things I do in the house, my interactions with spouse and the kids, where spouse sleeps, and anything noteworthy on a daily basis. This morning I tried to talk to spouse (she sighed and looked annoyed when I started talking) about an interaction I had with ychild on our way to get breakfast this morning. ychild decided to talk in a way that makes it sound like she is cussing even when she isnt. I told her what I told ychild and spouse snapped at me when I tried to get into the details. If I know I am going to talk to spouse about something non-spontaneous I'm going to try and start recording the interactions. I cooked supper. spouse slept in our bed last night, ychild joined us after waking up.
21/10/4
Today we went to the state fair. It started out as usual when we go on the trip. late start, blaming, getting mad, yelling, her being upset. After getting to the fair the day went well. We didn't argue very much and the day was actually nice but long. Wife had a school meeting at 5. Went out to eat for supper then ice cream with the kids. As usual fight started when the kids only wanted to sit with Wife. Get home kids bathed and put in bed. Wife bought a special deodorant to help with smells in the breast/pubic area (something she is self conscious about) I helped apply it and try and kiss her breasts. She turns away and says she is cold. Helped wife put together kids lunch and backpacks for the next morning. Take the trash out. I shower and notice my wife isn't in bed when I get out so I assumed she was sleeping with the kids. She was sitting in the living room in the dark with her phone on facebook. Wife said she was going to bed but didn't want to "do anything." I go to bed also so I can spend some time with her. Once again I try and cuddle with her. I roll next to her and place my hand on her leg. I don't move it because it tickles or annoys her. After 5 min without her trying to cuddle and with her face buried in facebook I roll over. She can tell I was upset and said that she didn't try and cuddle cause my arm was pinning her down. This isn't true it was only on her leg and i wasn't applying any pressure. YChild ended up in our bed during the night.
21/10/5
Went to work today. no goodmorning or goodbye kiss. Worked all day, picked up the kids, brought them home and emptied their backpacks. Wife got home about 10min later. No hey how was your day. no hello kiss. Nothing. She disappeared into the bedroom again. Worked with Ychild on her letters because she isn't doing well in school. had a breakfast supper. Took the dogs for a walk. made OChild lunch. She complained because I had not yet done the dishes. Waited till the last minute to get their backpacks/clothes together for the morning. Complained because things were missing. feels like I never hear anything positive only ever complaints. Went to bed and wife finally makes it in. I don't really attempt to cuddle just put my arm on her leg and accidentally scratched. Thought I had made her mad so I pulled my hand back. A few minutes later and she rolled over and spooned with me (little spoon.) Its been years since this happened. Is she doing that because of my persistence and she is trying to make me happy? or is it because of a positive change. Only time will tell (success.)
21/10/6
Woke up and wife wasn't in the bed. I don't know if she woke up early or went to lay down with the kids in the night. She was in a mood when i got up. Complained because I hadn't put up the kids school laundry when it came out of the dryer so the clothes are now wrinkly. I let myself relax last night and did not do as many chores. I need to work on that and try and stay busy. ran into trouble picking the kids up from school. Their school fund raisers were supposed to come out with the kids. Ochild did not bring them out because he didn't listen to instructions from his teacher. Wife had to swing by and pick them up because I was already on the way home and the line was seriously backed up. Got home did the dishes, cooked supper, folded the laundry and put a load of laundry in, and gathered and took the trash out. Wife spent the evening once again in our bedroom but this time it was working on activities to help our daughter learn better for school. She did have a school meeting at 7 pm. I thought the kids would shower on the next day so I did not tell them to bath, but was overruled agrily by wife and gave my daughter a shower because her hair was dirty. Kids got to bed 1 hour late because wife kept overruling me on telling them to go lay down. After kids went to bed I got on my computer to play games. I put too large a load in the dryer and it took a long time to dry so I was not able to put it up before bed time. Wife went into the kitchen to make the kids lunches. I asked if I could do anything to help and she said no. I layed down in bed a little later than I was planning. Wife was very angry when she opened the dryer because I hadn't taken the clothes out and folded them, I had washed our large pile of clothes instead of the kids 1 day of clothes, when I folded the laundry I didn't put the towels in the bathroom because i did not want to interrupt her meeting so she yelled at me because the towels were not in the bathroom when she went to take a shower. I was berated very badly and once again felt unappreciated, emasculated, and unloved (hated maybe.) She said that I was doing more around the house only because I felt our marriage was failing (in a sarcastic tone of voice) and I wanted to be praised. I am doing it because it helps with my depression and honestly I am trying to get into the habit for when I inevitably divorce her. I turned off my emotions and went to sleep. No kiss goodnight and even saying goodnight.
21/10/7
Woke up at 3:30 am alone in bed. I assume the wife slept with the kids. I couldn't go back to sleep so I laid in bed. Closer to the alarm time of 4:30ish I got ready for work. When my wife came in I had to say good morning,she wasn't even going to talk to me. I had to initiate the conversation. I left 5 min early because I didn't want to be around her. I had to kiss/tell her goodbye which is usual. I'm not sure the last time the morning routine was initiated by her. several times in our marriage I have experimented with how long we would go without a kiss or an I love you that wasn’t initiated by me. Usually its several weeks and I almost feel like seeing how long it would take this time. Got home with the kids and stopped for our weekly
treat. Wife did not spend as much time in the bedroom as usual. I was tired so I did not feel like doing any cleaning. I cooked supper and we watched a show during supper. Afterwards she joined me and the kids in walking the dogs. We got back and watched a few more shows and then I helped her with lunches and getting the kids things together. Anytime something didn't go perfect she always had little comments and blamed me (like when she couldn't find Ychilds clothes or if a tape was missing.) all in all, the day wasn't bad and wasn't good either. I went to bed a little early and she decided to stay up and watch one of her own movies. I did not kiss her or say I love you. She did not say anything about it.
21/10/8
Woke up at a normal time. Wife and Ychild were in bed with me. The morning went ok and Ychild was very chipper and loving. Got home from work with the kids and went out picked up groceries and ate out. we stopped at some yard sales and had a decent fun time with minimal arguing. Got home and put up the groceries. wife's parents were coming over the next day and "we" cleaned the house. I did the dishes, cleaned the counters, vacuumed and shampooed the carpets, picked up the living room, cleaned off the fireplace, put up the clothes in the living room. It was 10:30 I kept telling the kids to go to bed and Wife kept overriding me. Telling me its the weekend and the kids should be able to stay up. I think 10:30 is too late for an 8 and 5 year old to stay up. I told wife I was tired and was going to bed. She complained that she was going to have to stay up and clean the house by herself. She said i didn't do enough. The only thing she could come up with when i asked her what i didn't do was keep the entertainment center clean and organized. Apparently i'm fine living in an empty house. Funny when she was a stay at home mom after she got laid off and then during the pandemic, the house was never cleaned. She stayed home all day everyday and never cleaned nor cooked supper or did the dishes. I feel like I am bending over backwards not only am I not receiving credit for what I have done. I am actually getting complaints for not doing enough. She eventually went to bed with the kids while I slept in my bed alone again. Not that I wanted her company after making me feel like that.
21/10/9
Got up around 7:00. I finished cleaning the carpets in the living room, cleaned the trash from the carpets, and swept the bathroom. We went looking at garage sales. Parents got there a little late in the day and spent more time with her sister than they did with us which is usually. I tried to get the kids to go to bed at a decent hour but was once again overruled by my Wife. She said the kids are on a school break and should be able to stay up later. I agreed but didnt think staying up till 11:30 at night should be the answer. They should be in bed at 9:30 and asleep at 10:00. Needless to say Wife slept with the kids.
21/10/10
Today we spent a great deal of the day traveling and going to yard and estate sales. It was a decent day with minimal arguing except for right before supper trying to get the kids to not cry when we wont buy them everything they want. Wife said I am fuel to the fire for the kids. It upset me that she constantly bad mouths my parenting style. Apparently not putting up with children throwing fits and actually punishing them instead of just letting everything play out without saying anything is a bad day. A thunderstorm came late in the evening and none of us went to bed before it passed. Wife slept with the kids again.
21/10/11
We all woke up early and took wife to work. When we got back I let the kids play and be kids. We did work on Ychilds worksheets for school. Ochild had a dr apt then we went to pick up wife. Got home and cooked supper and did the dishes. I also vacuumed the livingroom. spouse spent the entire evening in the bedroom working on schoolwork. Wife slept with the kids again.
21/10/12
Woke up with Ychild in my bed and wife at work. Had a good day with the kids. Ychild lost one of her (only pairs) of shoes. They played all day in the living room having a good time. Had leftovers for supper. Wife spent all evening in the bedroom working on schoolwork. Wife slept with the kids again. I was feeling very alone again. Just reminded me how we don't have much of a marriage.
21/10/13
Woke up early alone in bed. Had a good day with the kids. Helped them build a big fort in the living room. I did some woodworking today and got the pole saw from our neighbor. Walked the dogs before supper. Supper didn't turn out well, the pork chops were freezer burnt so we got taco casa. Wife spent the evening in the bedroom working on schoolwork. Another thunderstorm rolled in around bedtime. Wife slept with the kids again. That's 6 days straight sleeping in my bed alone.
21/10/14
Woke up at 3:30am got up but went back to bed and eventually sleep around 4:30-5:00. Woke up with Ychild in bed. I took the kids to several stores today and changed the water in the aquarium . Wife got back home and let the kids play. Once my wife got home I cooked supper and washed the dishes while she disappeared into the bedroom. Went back there and she was just laying in bed saying she was tired while watching tv. I convinced her to come and eat supper with the family at the table. Afterwards she went back to the bedroom for more bed and tv. She would rather spend time laying in bed and watching tv than spend a little time with me. I have been all alone with 2 kids all day (actually for the last 4 days.) Ochild convinced her to come out of the bedroom to show her something on his tv. I don't know what to do and no longer feel connected to my wife, I feel like I am all alone. Wife came out and before laying down with the kids mentioned I havent kissed her goodnight in a few days and to come kiss her. It was just a smooch but at least she took notice. I told her it feels like she wanted me to do that lately.She told me she was just stressed and tired from school work. She slept with the kids again tonight.
21/10/15
Woke up with Ychild in bed with me. Got the kids up and fed them breakfast. Wife got home early and we went to an estate sale. I made hotdogs for supper. Kids went to bed late. Wife complained about them not being asleep. I told her what she said about them being on a school break and me getting in trouble with her earlier for putting them to bed before 10:00 pm. It didn't matter, it was still my fault and still upset. Wife slept with the kids again.
21/10/16
Wife got up earlier than me. We left the house around 9 to go look at some neighborhood garage sales. had a decent day in the car with minimal fussing. Got home a little later than planned. Had Ychild start cleaning her messy room. Wife started complaining about the messy house again saying she is the only one who cleans. Apparently I am not doing a good enough job. What a surprise. did some laundry today. got the kids to bed around 9:30. They were constantly out of bed until 11:00pm with different things. I was getting upset with them and my wife strolled in and took over as usual as soon as the kids started crying. She actually came to bed with me tonight. I tried to cuddle with her but as usual she huffed as soon as I put my arm around her. She said she doesn't mind me cuddling, she just doesnt like it when I move my hand. She made no effort to return the love. I am glad for these interactions because it reminds me that I am not loved and why I want a divorce.
21/10/17
Woke up around 6:00 am with a stomach ache and bloated. Down to 238 lbs. Wife spent the day in the bedroom working on school. I did some laundry, trimmed the trees in the yard, and put out bulk pickup items. Cooked chicken fajitas for supper. Wife came down sick with something and went to bed early. Kids were asleep by 9:00. Wife was asleep by the time I came to bed.
21/10/18
Went to work. Not a bad day there. Got home and cooked supper, took the dogs for a walk. Tried to put the kids to bed at 8:00 Ychild started crying and got wife to agree to let her sleep in our bed tonight. All they have to do is turn on the water works. The wife doesn't want to hear them cry so she caves. Ychild slept with me and wife.
21/10/19
Went to work. Picked up the kids and went home. Cooked hotdogs for supper. Put up some laundry. Wife cut the Ochild and my hair. Didn't go for walk today. Got kids to bed on time. Wife slept with the kids.
21/10/20
Worked from home today. Picked the kids up for a half day. Stopped at chick-fil-a for lunch. Went to the fish store with the kids. Met Wife for the Ychild's parent teacher conference. Cooked chicken fajita nachos for lunch. Gathered trash, did laundry, and did the dishes. Cut out the pumpkin with the kids. Wife and I watched Netflix until bed. We lay down and I decided to try cuddling again. I rolled over to her and she actually reciprocated. She put her leg around mine and held my hand. It felt really nice.
21/10/21
Went to work. It was an uneventful morning and work. Picked up the kids and called my wife to meet us at DQ for a treat. We got home and my wife wasn't feeling well. She didn't eat supper. Me and my kids took the dogs for a walk while my wife stayed behind and took a bath. We watched netflix until bed again. Got the kids in bed on time. When the kids threw a fit when they wanted Wife to cover them up she said something in a low voice and refused to tell me what she said. I kept asking her and she finally told me "it's probably why you resent me." I didn't say anything because it was partially true. I do resent her because the kids prefer her, but they only prefer her because she constantly gives in their fits and I do not. So I keep being the bad guy and she get to be the fun yes mom. Later we started working on the kids' lunches. I got a bottled drink off the table and started to open it.She asked if it was old and I said i don't think so. She started to complain at me because she didn't want to give the kids an old drink. I started to explain why I didn't think it was old (the cap still had seals on most of the cap.) She told me I was talking too loud (I wasn't, I was talking in a normal voice.) She told me she didn't need me anymore so I left and went to bed. We went to bed angry with
each other.
21/10/22
Woke up still angry at her because it was such a little issue to get mad about. Things like this happen all the time. Little things that don't matter in the long run end up being blown up beyond what it should have. had a decent day at work then went and got the kids. ate at the olive garden. Ochild asked if he could have her phone. I explained to him that he could only have his tablet, not her phone or tablet. He got upset and wife immediately caved and gave him her phone. I explained to my wife that we agreed 2 weeks ago and they haven't had either this entire time. their behavior is much better but she said she isn't feeling well and just didn't want to hear it. i got home and unloaded the groceries. My wife started complaining about me unloading the groceries wrong. Apparently I'm supposed to put them on the table starting at the far end then work down the table from there. Like it makes a difference if you take an extra step either way the entire table is filled up and it doesn't matter which end you start on. Then my wife complained that I hadn't cleaned up the blood drops from the dog yet. I literally was only home for 2 minutes before she got home then we left but it's supposed to be my job to get it done with no time to spare. I cleaned it up and she started complaining that I cleaned it wrong. I used a baby wipe when I should have used clorox wipes. There is litteral pee on the floor and she is worried that the blood wasn't sanitized. Makes no sense. This all happened within 20 minutes. Needless to say she slept with the kids again.
21/10/23
Woke up for overtime on a saturday. i worked 7 hours on a boat on the lake. Come home and the wife is sitting on the couch watching tv and the kids are right next to her zoned out with electronics. she didn't do anything all day and has been binge watching netflix. she said
She wanted to go to a local festival today. I fixed myself a pbj for lunch then did the dishes. We went next door to help the neighbors put on their pool cover. After that we went to watch a country band perform at a local festival. We were there for 2 hours and she seemed
upset with me because she knows i do not like crowds and i told her i was there because it's what she wanted to do. that's supposed to be my job to do things i don't like to support her but I guess i am actually supposed to like it to avoid offending her. The kids were
horrible and kept fighting over her phone. It seems like im never gonna get her to put her foot down. Came back home and watched the last episode of season one of our favorite shows. Kids stayed up late and the wife slept with the kids.
21/10//24
Had a decent night's sleep. The kids were screaming when I woke up. Kids had a full day of playing. I took Ochild with me when I went to the store and I bought him lunch. We get home and I throw the kids' laundry into the washer. Wife and the kids made a pumpkin into a puppy for
Ochild's book report. I take Ychild to the store to get her own pumpkin. Kids are playing a game with a hula-hoop like mirror-mirror. My son asks the mirror who is the laziest and he puts it up to me. It really hurt my feelings. Wife talked to him and told him all the things I do (dishes, cooking supper, laundry, sweep/mop, vacuuming, gardening, mowing.) She listed all these things. I talked to her about it later and she said "well" like she really thinks I am lazy. She just listed off all the things I do and she talks to me like I am lazy. Ychild threw a fit at bedtime because her required stuffed animal is dirty from the dog. I begin telling her that she needs to take care of it and this wouldn't happen. Wife gets onto me about trying to teach her life lessons. Wife allows ychild to sleep in our bed with us. I don't think any of my lessons will ever stick when wife is there to overrule me and go softer on the kids. At least I didn't sleep alone tonight.
21/10/25
Woke up and went to work. Uneventful day at work. Get the gets and bring them home. I put up the laundry and started a new load. Picked up the living room and then cooked supper (smothered pork chops.) Afterward we walked the dogs (wife got home and was tired so she changed into pajamas) ychild was upset and wants her mommy to walk with us so she got peeved but changed into street clothes and we walked together as a family. We get back and sit on the couch for the next 3 hours watching netflix. Put the kids to bed then finish our netflix binge. After I volunteered to help fix the kids' lunch for the next day. She praised me for the speed that I made their lunch. Unfortunately ychild had spilled something in her lunchbox and I cleaned it. It got wet when I cleaned and my wife flipped out and got in a bad mood. the next 20 min was kicking me out of the kitchen, complained because i forgot to bring ychild's sweater in from the car, upset because i did not put the laundry into the dryer. I went to bed alone.
21/10/26
Woke up with my wife and ychild in bed with me. I started getting ready and my wife started complaining to ychild that she will have to go dig through the laundry basket to get socks because they never get put up. I spent all my time between getting home and cooking supper and putting up laundry. The both of us sat on our butts and watched netflix for hours the previous evening. we could have done those together but we didn't. Instead it's my fault because I didn't do it. Its tiring bending over backwards, feeling like you are doing the brunt of the housework, the only one working, the only one cooking and feeling unappreciated and getting bitched at for minor things. especially the 1st thing in the morning to our ychild within earshot of me. She is very passive aggressive and saying these things to my kids undermines my authority and prevents me from being an effective parent. Its things like this that leads me to believe that's why my son thinks I am lazy. I wonder what she has said to him so that I didn't overhear. I got the kids from school and brought them home. I immediately put up the clothes that had been folded but not put up. I cleaned the fish tank of dead fish and snails. I cooked supper (hamburgers), i wasn't feeling well so we didn't go for a walk, I got an old laptop together for Ochild to use. Wife and I watched TV for about an hour and got on my computer. Went to bed alone.
21/10/27
Wife and I had an argument at the end of the night. Went to bed upset.
21/10/28
Woke up with my wife and ychild in bed. Didn't say goodbye to my wife when I left. I had a decent day at work. Picked up the kids and brought them home. We didn't walk the dogs today. Wife had to stay late at school. Wife went to bed early with the kids.
21/10/29
Woke up in bed alone. Left again without saying goodbye to my wife. She was upset but I guess doesnt realize that our marriage is in trouble or just doesn't care and wants to maintain an illusion. Didn't have to pick up the kids from school today. We went out to eat for supper. Wife slept with the kids again. came home and mowed the lawn. We ended up eating out at Tuscan Slice. came home and the wife slept with the kids.
21/10/30
Woke up alone. Worked 10 hours of overtime. got home and immediately left to go do some halloween stuff at the big church. had a decent time with little arguing. Afterwards I ate at CFLA. Daughter got upset because she wanted to switch seats and I said no. I am tired of giving in
to the kids' every demand. When she started throwing a fit and told her she was about to get a spanking. Wife got upset because I will actually spank them and she thinks it doesn't do any good. The kids only really seem to do this when they know mommy is around cause when it's just me they behave. They know they can always get mommy on their side and turn her against daddy just by crying. The wife stayed in the bedroom working on schoolwork after we got back. The kids stayed up really late (11:30). went to bed alone.
21/10/31
Woke up alone a little later. Wife and ychild had slept with me. We ended up staying home most of the day. Wife stayed in the bedroom working on schoolwork. I played with the kids, swept, vacuumed, did the laundry, cleaned the living room, and cleaned the aquarium. We went to a local church event for trunk or treat and then we took the kids trick or treating down downtown. It was a decent night. We got home and the kids went to bed a little late.
Nov 2021

Ha, silly, isn't it.
Sometimes I caught myself not only thinking of you, but wonder if you missed me too. I wonder if you missed me since that day you told me you missed me and when you disliked how emotional that made you, is that why you pulled back and blocked me?
I don't know if I'm allowed to smile thinking that you might've actually had real feelings for me too and when it got too much too close, you pulled away—afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of it being so real. Afraid of it robbing you of your freedom and independence.
I mean, you don't even block your ex! 😂 I remember you told our friends at the server where we met, you told us you still see her whenever she was in town but she had already have her own boyfriend... For God's sake, you don't even block her! Why are you blocking me out?
I'm trying my best to get over you. It's not fair that whenever I try to see someone new, you're the only one that I see. I keep comparing them to you. I'm trying to get to know them, but you've been the one I was always comfortable with. I was happy getting to know you, and I thought the same of you with me.
I'm still hurt you wouldn't even say goodbye. You told me once, when you did this before, that I was a good friend; that I didn't deserve being blocked and deserved a farewell; you said that we were matured now, getting back together again and "nature is healing".
Do you hear yourself then? Does it frightens you to see how close we were getting, emotionally?
You took my first kiss. No, I let you have it. I was happy to. I'd do it again. Over and over.
To think we did it on a special date too—23rd March 2023. Or 23.03.23. Ha. How am I ever going to forget that? And you blocked me on the dot for its 2 months anniversary? I'm laughing my ass off at that 🤣
I'm trying to snuff off these wisps of thoughts of you. So I went for a run in the park earlier today.
I passed by the bench where we sat and huddled together in the cold; you sneaked your hand in mine and I pulled them into my coat, so you'd be warm. I remember letting you go further and further in, teasing you to told me right on my bra. You huddled closer so we were face to face, and you chuckled as you said, "You're so warm."
I smiled at that memory. I wonder if the tree grown in front of that bench saw what we did that night. Does it wonder what happened when it sees me tearing up and then laughing like a madman?
Down the road, at the tube station, was where I met you in person the first time. I reached up to hug you because you were so tall. I don't know why hugging you was so natural that night. You hugged back too, do you remember?
When I returned, the uphill road towards home was where you tried to pick me up and you said I was so tiny; your words were, "I told you it was easy" and you called me your "tiny senpai" because I was older. You tried to pat my head several times. I'd just close my eyes and smile at that memory.
Then, there's the bus stop in front of my flat's building. I always stopped and think about it. I seemed to see us sitting there sometimes.
That's where I asked you to kiss me. Twice.
Do you think somewhere in TfL's database there's a video of us kissing? Do you think someone witnessed us kissing? Do you think they sometimes wonder what happened to us? Or just brush us aside like you did me?
I remember you seemed disappointed I couldn't take you into my flat; the household rules are real and I can't have latenight visitors. I remember as I sat beside you, waiting for your Uber and I turned back at you as I was walking away. I remember how your face lit up when I asked you, "Do you want to kiss me before I go?"
I still remember how velvety wet your lips were. Or how your mouth tasted like beer.
I miss those lips. I miss moments like that when you held my heart in your hand and you commanded every affection I held dear...
And now that affection is brutally murdered. For no reason. You wouldn't tell me why. You couldn't—maybe it'll only solidify your fear.
God, I hate missing you.
I hate hoping I'd find you waiting for me. You told me you got something for me from Japan. If that were true, have you given it to someone else? Or does it remind you of me now that we're parted? Those Japan vacation photos you said you took that reminded you of me, did you delete them too? I don't blame you if you do—would've saved a lot of storage space. I don't blame you if you don't either, but does it remind you of me? Do you look through them and miss me too?
I hate hoping at all for you, for anyone, for anything. I'm scared that I'm starting to be like you. I'm starting to fear trusting someone with my heart only to be disappointed. I don't want to be like you. I want to be happy and ready to love someone the way you never were. I had that much positivity. I don't want this to ruin that.
You know I have more right to block you, right? You know where I lived! You know where I hang out! I can't help but laugh at that. To think that I stir so much confusion in you that you had to block me.
Meanwhile, I'm a coward.
I don't have the guts to block you. I've stopped sending you anything at all. I won't try calling you anymore. Your actions, immature and emotionally unintelligent as they may be, speak louder than words. And I can't change you. Can't change the past—only how I chose to see it or let it affect me and my future. You shouldn't be any more worth of my time. But I believe I have more self-control than you, that's why I won't block you. I'll move on, slowly and surely.
I'll still miss you. Sometimes, cry over you. But mostly, I'll smile thinking of you and hoping you're ever happier than before or will learn to be, even if it's not with me. I'll laugh about those frog memes we shared and stupid animal chimaera sounds we joked about.
But what's done is done. You made your choice for you so I won't hold any bad karma for you. I still wish you the best. I never wished bad things on you and never will. You were still someone I won't regret meeting and never regret the pleasure of knowing.
Take care
I tagged this "lovers" because for what it's worth, I did love you for who you are and what you made me feel. It pains me still, but I enjoyed every minute of knowing you—good and bad.

(This is tangentially about SpaceX since they're aiming to launch stuff to Mars. SpaceX weren't ready in time for the last launch window and if they miss the next one it'll be a long wait for the one after.)
So technically you can launch to Mars whenever you like but the most efficient time to launch is when the planets' orbits are lining up properly and minimising the distance, roughly every 26 months. It's more energy efficient which means a larger payload for a given launch energy, or less energy needed for a given payload. Wiki cites the past launch windows as:

• November 2013
• March 2016
• May 2018
• July~September 2020
• August~November 2022
• September 2024 ~ May 2025

It's cited as a single month for 2013, 2016 and 2018, then 3 months for 2020 and 4 months for 2022 then an astonishing 8 months for 2024-2025.
Is this some quirk of orbital mechanics being masked by the oversimplification of saying "roughly every 26 months"? And there's likely degrees of opportunity involved, a launch in September 2022 might have been more efficient than one in November 2022 despite being in the same window. I guess the same extends outside the official launch window too, a launch in October 2012 would be imperfect but better than one in June 2012. With the right trajectory and enough fuel to get the right delta V you can launch outside the ideal, it's just that someone has decided a cutoff value for what counts as being a worthwhile launch.
Wiki has this graph of the distance over time and the launch window is shortly before the point of closest approach, like in this animation of Mars Insight launching in 2018. So the close approach marked as 92 gigameters in early 2014 corresponds to the launch window in November 2013. So although the 2018 close approach was much closer than the 2022 close approach, what matters is the time shortly before that when the distance is ideal for launching. The size of the launch window depends on how long the planets spend the appropriate distance apart, i.e. how quickly they get closer, shown here as how steeply the graph descends. Therefore if the graph continued to show the close approach in early 2025 it would be an extremely shallow line with several months spent at a good launch distance. There's sortof the inverse in 2012 where Earth and Mars spent longer than normal reaching their point of greatest separation.
What's confusing me is why they planets have such variation in the speeds they approach each other at. They're not changing their speed around the sun. I guess it's all down to orbits not quite being circular and where the planets happen to be in their ellipses when they pass each other. It probably makes sense if you see an accurate diagram of the solar system from above but most simplify the layout into circles.

I've only posted on this subreddit a few times before and I have been going back and forth on it for a long while now. I think maybe it's because of the fact that if I did, I would be fully admitting to myself just how lonely I actually am. But there's really no point in trying to mask and run away from the glaring truth, so, here I am again. Taa-daah!
As most people on here are, or I assume, given the context of the subreddit, I am a person who's unfortunately lived the forever alone lifestyle, well, for most of my life. The last person I was close with was way back in the 6th grade (I'm a fourth year in college), and the closest connection I've had since then was those types of people that would talk and hang out with you during class time, but the second the bell rings, instant transmission, they gone now. And if we're talking about my love life, well, let's just say the fact that I still haven't had my first kiss yet, should paint a good picture (or lack thereof I suppose) of that.
But I'm not trying to make this some sort of pity party for me, but rather to shed some background as to what I hope, fingers criss crossed, twisting and turning, and looping around each other, for what I want to potentially get out of this. Of course, having a partner would be spectacular, but the companionship beyond the romance is just as important, if not even more so. I'm tired of getting up everyday, doing college work, video editing (small time Youtuber), watching YouTube and playing video games, going to work (if I have a job at a given time if I'm not focusing on university), and going to bed, and rinse and repeat all alone.
I want that to change. I want to spend time watching stupid things with someone, having my butt kicked in Smash even though I've been playing it for years, arguing over which anime opening is better than another for no reason other than it being a means to spend time hearing each other's voice. To go out dates, to laugh, to explore, to cuddle, to do the things that come after that if you catch my drift (or technically before the cuddling, or both), and so much more. But every attempt I made well ehhhhh, well its led me to here.
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Here's a little bit of description about me 😁:

• 22 years old, though that one is probably already known given the title of this post
  
• Black, 6 foot 1 inches, and real skinny (119 pounds), with black hair and glasses (no facial hair and no body hair to speak of; I guess I can say I'm like semi-femboyish)
  
• Don't do drugs, don't have any STDs, don't drink, but I do smoke, so hopefully that isn't too much of an issue for you (and will totally understand if you don't want me doing it around you).
  
• Do have 1 tattoo, just in case that's a thing you may care about. It's a Kingdom Hearts heartless and keyblade tattoo where my heart is.
  

https://imgur.com/a/KDvNYqx (A few more face pics are avaliable in the link provided)
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My hobbies and interests ❤:

• Literally all things gaming 🎮. And no, I'm not talking 2K or Fortnite or COD or whatever, but JRPGs like Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts, platformers like Crash Bandicoot and definetly Sonic the Hedgehog, adventure games like Zelda, etc. I'm open to pretty much all genres and my favorites include Mirror's Edge, Shadow the Colossus, No More Heroes, Asura's Wrath, etc. So kind of a jack of all trades I like to think
  
• Love anime, and like video games, I'm open to all genres but there's definitely ones I prefer more than others (mostly don't watch a whole lot slice of life, and seinen type shows). Favorites include Fate, Neon Genesis, Konosuba, Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt, Chainsaw Man, etc
  
• Love movies 🎬 but haven't been watching as much as I'd like to, but hey, only so much free time in the world. But I'm one of those people that likes to put on subtitles and rewind a lot, and I know that can be quite annoying so....I'll try not too? 😅
  
• Enjoy video editing for my channel, and watching YouTube mostly centered around gaming and anime content. I love listening to music, but once again, my library consists of mostly just anime and video game OSTs (I am a simple guy I suppose)
  
• And this is a weird one to end off on, but since this is a dating subreddit, I suppose it should be said, I am very sub oriented, and have a high libido, but I am also very very open minded, and won't shame you if you have a particular unusual fascination with something most wouldn't find attractive.
  

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I feel like a bit of an ass writing this next part, as if I'm placing some kind of order on what kind of people I accept or don't accept, and that is not my intention in the slightest, but there are things that I am looking for in a person, just so I know that we can get along quite well, instead of me ending up talking to someone I have very little likelihood of jiving with. I don't waste anyone's time, including whoever is reading this.
Some of the things I'm looking for 🔍:

• A gamer, and I mean more than just Animal Crossing and Just Dance, like an ACTUAL actual gamer. We don't need to play the same type of games, and like I said before, I'm really a jack of all trades. So whether it's an RPG, a casual game, a puzzle, a platformer, a shooter, a fighter, a rhythm game or whatever, so long as we're NOT hoping off of Battle Buses or the Gulag, I'm sure anything will work. This one is the most important because it's the thing I want to be able to connect to someone the most, because it's the thing I'm most passionate about. Can't have long late night cozy gaming sessions if my potential partner doesn't game now can I?
  
• Anime lover, weeb, otaku, whatever term you wanna call it. This isn't a necessity per say as the gaming one is, but it'd be nice to have none the less. There's a whole great of wall of anime/manga that I wanna watch/read, and I hope to be able to do that with someone. But if not, live action shows on Netflix or HBO is a okay with me.
  
• Someone who is more than just a copy of me, and can respect when I want some alone time. I tend to do the exact same, and know that not everyday, at any time, are we going to have the energy to socialize or hang out, and some days, we're just going to want to spend some alone time to focus on work or ourselves. And I want someone who doesn't just think the same way as me. I love discussions and find what seperates a person from another special, and what makes them unique, so long as we respect each other's opinion and don't get toxic with it (not trying to date a Twitter stand here)
  
• Someone who is preferably around my age, though if you're on the more older side, please don't let that stop you from messaging me if this post catches your interest. The older the grape, the finer the wine as they say. 😅
  
• No drugs, but it's okay if you drink or smoke or have tattoos, just so long as you're disease and drug free, you do what you consider your best and happiest you, and I won't mind in the slightest. I'd very much want someone who is fit/skinny; nothing against heavier body types, it's just not what I'm into.
  
• Someone who is....uhhh...how do I phrase this, "sexually driven", but not like a lot (but it's even better if it happens to be a lot), but has a sex drive you know? You don't need to have a high libido, but I also want you to have some libido too. Also, like I mentioned before, I am very sub-like, so hopefully, you can be the dominant one if this turns out blossoming into a relationship.
  
• Someone who is close and can host is a huge plus as well. I can host as well, but those times aren't always avaliable, as I do currently live with my family while working on my college degree in Computer Game Design in the next year or so.
  
• Someone who's looking for a MONOGAMOUS relationship. Not really a debate on this one. I'm not against those who like to have multiple partners, but is that something that I wanna engage in? Yeah, yeah, that's a hard no.
  

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• Finally, preferences, NONE OF WHICH ARE REQUIRED ❌️, buuuuuutt, still, if you fit into any one of these, I very much hope this post catches your interest:
  
• Dominant, both in the relationship, and in the bedroom, and who is open-minded to experimentation
  
• White, which feels weird to say, just, I like white guys. I mean, what can I say, as well as Asian, and or UK/British, they're accents just...AAHHHHHH! 😖
  
• Packed full of energy. I'm very animated, so hopefully you can also match the vibes, and bring me up mood wise when I'm down
  

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And that's about it for now. Like I said before, I've only ever posted on here a few times before, so I don't know if I checked off everything that I should have said in a post like this, but hopefully (man I've been saying that word a lot here), this was enough to catch your attention and be willing to give a potential connection/relationship with a guy like me, and if not I understand, and hope you find whatever you're looking for in someone else here. But if I have caught your eye, feel free to message me. It's been a long and lonely 22 years, and you'd probably make a wonderful change of pace.
Until then, bye! 🤗

Hello! I wanted to ask for advice because I have been so anxious about this the past few days, please read through and give any advice you can, thank you :( also sorry in advance is so long 😭
So, we got a new kitten about four days ago (which you can probably tell from my post history, lol). It’s been going alright with the Milo (the cat) so far, he’s very energetic so I’ve had to spend a lot of time the past few days watching over and playing with him. It’s honestly exhausting me rn cos I haven’t been able to sleep well but that’s not my main concern atm.
My main concern is my dog, Cameron. He is almost 11 years old and is a tiny part Chihuahua/part Schnauzer… and he has been very jealous. We got the cat from my aunt and uncle, who live in an RV and are building their own house right at the moment. They had a cat who had kittens, and so we decided to take one off their hands to help them out (and also give the kitten a wider space to play in). We also decided to do this because of the dogs age— I am worried his time will come within the next few years, and I don’t want him to spend his last few years alone whenever we’re at work and stuff like that. I was hoping that he and the cat could become friends, making him less lonely and giving the cat a better place to be than an RV, and helping the dog so he wouldn’t cry and have that separation anxiety he often has whenever we leave.(also, to be completely honest and a little selfish, I also thought about getting a cat because when the dog dies, I’m going to be absolutely devastated — we depend on Cameron for emotional support needs for things like depression and anxiety and whatnot, hes very much like a service dog except in name and he’s prob the only thing that got me through my dads death. So when he goes I felt like I’m going to be completely crushed and need something to help me through that, too.. I know that’s not particularly the best reason but I figured i’d be honest).
So, the two getting along… that hasn’t really happened yet. I know it takes time for old pets to get used to new animals, but I’m very nervous still. Cameron does not chase the cat when they’re both on the floor or anything, we tested this by going over to my aunt and uncle’s with the dog and introduced them to each other to be sure. So I figured that was a good sign… they weren’t particularly chummy, they kinda just roamed around the unfinished house in separate directions, but I figured the fact that my dog wasn’t chasing him or anything was a good sign. We also figured it wouldn’t be too bad because we have had a cat before, when the dog was a lot younger as a puppy. Our old cat got really sick and died around the time Cameron was about two years old though (we got Cameron when he was two months and when I was a teenager, and the old cat when I was a little kid)…. so it’s been a while and I’m starting to worry if it’s been such a long time that Cameron is no longer friendly with cats. But, being hopeful, we took the kitten home, having some supplies all ready to go for him.
So… the problem is this: it’s been fine if Cameron is just walking around and we’re paying attention to the kitten, but when Cameron is in one of our laps or in our beds or something, and Milo (the kitten) approaches to try to get some love too…. then, Cameron gets incredibly jealous and starts growling/barking really viciously, getting close to lunging a few times. I’ve had to hold him back on several occasions now, and it scares me every time he gets like this. I got one of the feather toys we got Milo to play with and lightly bapped Cameron on the head with it every time he does it, in an attempt to get him to stop (and I feel guilty about that cos I’ve never wanted to hit him ever, even if it’s just a bapping with something very soft.. but I just worry a lot about the kittens safety so I don’t know what else to do. It seems to help a little bit with his growls but I really don’t like doing it). We also ordered a pet gate for them, but it hasn’t arrived yet and I’m worrying it won’t work regardless since Milo appears to be able to jump very high.
Since Cameron is about a 10 pound dog, I feel like Milo will grow to be bigger than him eventually (Milo is about 14 weeks right now, so he’s smaller) and be able to defend himself better then. But, at that point, then I think I will just start to make myself worry if the cat will hurt my dog too 😭😭 I worry a lot about both of their safety and just… it’s driving me nuts 😭it’s very exhausting to have to give a kitten the huge amount of attention kittens need (I play with him using toys multiple times a day, but he’s still very energetic and doing the zoomies at night, keeping me awake)…and then to also have to set aside time to hold and pay attention to the dog as well, AND while also making sure they don’t get too close to each other at all times…. It feels like I barely have any time for myself right now. I guess I underestimated this… I figured since the dog is old and we have another person in the house that I would be able to set aside time for the kitten easily, but in his jealousy Cameron has actually started demanding MORE attention while also being very angry with us and standoffish. (He isn’t giving us as many kisses and stuff like that).
So, trying to keep them both happy has been a struggle, and I honestly am beginning to feel burned out…😭 (1/2)

Hello! I wanted to ask for advice because I have been so anxious about this the past few days, please read through and give any advice you can, thank you :( also sorry in advance is so long 😭
So, we got a new kitten about four days ago (which you can probably tell from my post history, lol). It’s been going alright with the Milo (the cat) so far, he’s very energetic so I’ve had to spend a lot of time the past few days watching over and playing with him. It’s honestly exhausting me rn cos I haven’t been able to sleep well but that’s not my main concern atm.
My main concern is my dog, Cameron. He is almost 11 years old and is a tiny part Chihuahua/part Schnauzer… and he has been very jealous. We got the cat from my aunt and uncle, who live in an RV and are building their own house right at the moment. They had a cat who had kittens, and so we decided to take one off their hands to help them out (and also give the kitten a wider space to play in). We also decided to do this because of the dogs age— I am worried his time will come within the next few years, and I don’t want him to spend his last few years alone whenever we’re at work and stuff like that. I was hoping that he and the cat could become friends, making him less lonely and giving the cat a better place to be than an RV, and helping the dog so he wouldn’t cry and have that separation anxiety he often has whenever we leave.(also, to be completely honest and a little selfish, I also thought about getting a cat because when the dog dies, I’m going to be absolutely devastated — we depend on Cameron for emotional support needs for things like depression and anxiety and whatnot, hes very much like a service dog except in name and he’s prob the only thing that got me through my dads death. So when he goes I felt like I’m going to be completely crushed and need something to help me through that, too.. I know that’s not particularly the best reason but I figured i’d be honest).
So, the two getting along… that hasn’t really happened yet. I know it takes time for old pets to get used to new animals, but I’m very nervous still. Cameron does not chase the cat when they’re both on the floor or anything, we tested this by going over to my aunt and uncle’s with the dog and introduced them to each other to be sure. So I figured that was a good sign… they weren’t particularly chummy, they kinda just roamed around the unfinished house in separate directions, but I figured the fact that my dog wasn’t chasing him or anything was a good sign. We also figured it wouldn’t be too bad because we have had a cat before, when the dog was a lot younger as a puppy. Our old cat got really sick and died around the time Cameron was about two years old though (we got Cameron when he was two months and when I was a teenager, and the old cat when I was a little kid)…. so it’s been a while and I’m starting to worry if it’s been such a long time that Cameron is no longer friendly with cats. But, being hopeful, we took the kitten home, having some supplies all ready to go for him.
So… the problem is this: it’s been fine if Cameron is just walking around and we’re paying attention to the kitten, but when Cameron is in one of our laps or in our beds or something, and Milo (the kitten) approaches to try to get some love too…. then, Cameron gets incredibly jealous and starts growling/barking really viciously, getting close to lunging a few times. I’ve had to hold him back on several occasions now, and it scares me every time he gets like this. I got one of the feather toys we got Milo to play with and lightly bapped Cameron on the head with it every time he does it, in an attempt to get him to stop (and I feel guilty about that cos I’ve never wanted to hit him ever, even if it’s just a bapping with something very soft.. but I just worry a lot about the kittens safety so I don’t know what else to do. It seems to help a little bit with his growls but I really don’t like doing it). We also ordered a pet gate for them, but it hasn’t arrived yet and I’m worrying it won’t work regardless since Milo appears to be able to jump very high.
Since Cameron is about a 10 pound dog, I feel like Milo will grow to be bigger than him eventually (Milo is about 14 weeks right now, so he’s smaller) and be able to defend himself better then. But, at that point, then I think I will just start to make myself worry if the cat will hurt my dog too 😭😭 I worry a lot about both of their safety and just… it’s driving me nuts 😭it’s very exhausting to have to give a kitten the huge amount of attention kittens need (I play with him using toys multiple times a day, but he’s still very energetic and doing the zoomies at night, keeping me awake)…and then to also have to set aside time to hold and pay attention to the dog as well, AND while also making sure they don’t get too close to each other at all times…. It feels like I barely have any time for myself right now. I guess I underestimated this… I figured since the dog is old and we have another person in the house that I would be able to set aside time for the kitten easily, but in his jealousy Cameron has actually started demanding MORE attention while also being very angry with us and standoffish. (He isn’t giving us as many kisses and stuff like that).
So, trying to keep them both happy has been a struggle, and I honestly am beginning to feel burned out…😭 (1/2)

Lately, some peculiar occurrences have taken place. Take, for instance, last night when my girlfriend Heather left the bathroom and insisted she saw me in the kitchen. Strangely, I have no recollection of getting up during the night, so I attributed it to sleepwalking. Surprisingly, she shared details of a full-fledged conversation we had, followed by me returning to my room after devouring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. While it does sound like something I might do, I simply cannot recall that particular incident.
Little did I know, this was only the beginning of a series of such incidents.
Curious about that night last week, I asked Heather, "Do you remember what we were talking about?"
With a smile, Heather nudged me playfully on the shoulder and replied, "Sweetheart, you were all over the place. You mentioned how you wished you had a new job and that you were starving. Why do you ask?"
As I gazed into the distance, a heavy sensation enveloped my mind, akin to a weighted blanket draped over my thoughts. "Hmm, I just can't remember conversing with you. I never woke up."
"It's possible that you were sleepwalking. It happens to many people, dear. You know, you look quite handsome even when you sleepwalk," Heather smirked, gently clasping my hand. "That's one of the many reasons I love you." I planted a soft kiss on her forehead, "I'm going for a run. I'll be back in a little while!" I needed to meditate and frankly running was my best therapy session.
Although I attributed these incidents to sleepwalking, they still troubled me. However, there was no point in allowing stress to consume me.
A couple of weeks later, another unsettling incident unfolded, this time at my workplace—Dunesbarry, a printing company that produces everything from small pictures to large-scale posters. It happened on a Tuesday when I woke up feeling unwell, prompting me to make a decision to call in sick.
My boss, James, was known for being a rather easy going manager, and I dialed his number to inform him about my condition. "Hey James, I'm not feeling great. I woke up with stomach issues and won't be able to come in today." After a brief pause, James burst into laughter and retorted, "Hold on, Caesar. What are you talking about? I just saw you here a few minutes ago."
My heart sank into my stomach, and perspiration formed on my forehead. "What do you mean? I'm at home, James."
"Buddy, I don't know if you're trying to pull a prank on me, but I assure you, you're here. Although it's quite unexpected for you to be early, you waved at me and headed into the bathroom. Are you still in there?"
Feeling a sense of disbelief, I momentarily put my phone down after promising James I would call him back."What in the world..." My pulse raced, throbbing in various parts of my body as the unsettling realization sank in. This had to be something more than I initially thought.
The remainder of the day I was immobilized, trapped in a state of mental paralysis. I laid on the couch, anxiously awaiting Heather's return.
My mind reverberated with the same haunting thoughts, from the first time I experienced a memory lapse at home to now, encountering a similar phenomenon at my workplace. What on earth was happening to me?
Driven by a growing urgency, I hurried over to my laptop and launched into an immediate search for any instances resembling my own. "Not remembering conversations at night" I typed into Google. The initial search results yielded blog websites discussing sleepwalking, which aligned with my initial assumption. Nevertheless, I pressed on. Next, I came across some Reddit posts recounting incidents of sleep-talking without any recollection.
As I scrolled through the various links and websites, one particular post caught my attention. Doppel-gänger? I had heard that term before.
Doppelgänger: "an apparition or double of a living person" was the definition I encountered, but comprehending its implications proved challenging. As a skeptical individual, I typically dismissed notions of the paranormal and supernatural. Why, out of all people, would something like this happen to me?
I closed my laptop, taking a deep breath to steady my racing thoughts.
Finally, Heather returned home after her shift, and I dashed towards the door to greet her.
"Hi, love! I'm so glad you're home. I have something absolutely mind-boggling to tell you!" I tightly embraced her, holding her for longer than usual."Hello, my sweetheart. What happened?" Heather set down her purse, and we both settled onto the couch.
"You won't believe this, and honestly, I'm struggling to wrap my head around it. Remember how I mentioned calling out of work today? Well, when I called James, he accused me of playing a prank on him. He even mentioned that I was already at work."
Heather nervously chuckled and turned to process my words. "Wait, what?"
"He said I had already arrived at work and was in the bathroom. But I never went. I've been here at home the entire day." As I looked at Heather, I could see a hint of discomfort on her face.
"I don't understand. Maybe he was just messing with you since you called out," Heather suggested, rising to grab some water from the kitchen. Bursting into laughter, a wave of relief washed over me. "Wow, I never actually considered that. I'm sorry, I'm still preoccupied with that incident in the kitchen that night. It's been twisting my thoughts."
"You're okay, honey. How are you feeling?" Heather asked, her concern shining through.
"Much better now that you're home, I must say."
Heather was my rock, always asking the right questions and loving me in ways I had never experienced before. I couldn't fathom my life without her. Feeling slightly more at ease, I decided not to inquire further with James, choosing to let the matter rest.
It was 3:23 am when I was awakened by the sound of slow footsteps creaking past our slightly open bedroom door. We kept it ajar to listen for any unusual nighttime noises.
Rubbing my eyes and stretching my legs, I sat up in bed, my gaze fixated on the doorway. The room was enveloped in darkness, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. The footsteps abruptly ceased as I continued to stare at the sliver of the doorway crack.
Resolute in my determination not to jump to the worst conclusions, I dismissed the idea of an intruder breaking into our home. Surely, I would have heard some sign of forced entry. Grasping the nearest object within reach, our vintage lamp, I mustered the courage to approach the door, striving to remain as silent as possible. With a trembling hand, fueled by fear of the unknown, I reached out for the doorknob.
Taking a moment to steady my pounding heart, prepared to confront anybody, even if it were against God Himself, I cautiously opened the door. There was nothing outside. I checked in both directions, even stepping into the hallway with a stance ready for battle. Utter silence enveloped the space. Releasing a sigh of relief, I turned around, intending to return to the bedroom.
Then, a solitary footstep echoed in my ears.
I halted, gripping the lamp so tightly that its exterior threatened to shatter.
Turning slowly toward the source of the sound, my eyes caught up to the movement, leaving me no choice but to confront whatever lurked within my house.A figure emerged from behind the kitchen island, hands tightly gripping the countertop, barely visible in the dim light. Their eyes locked onto mine, wide open as if they were about to pop out of their sockets.
I noticed a striking resemblance between us – the same haircut and a mole on the top left of our heads. Yet, I couldn't spare a moment to ponder our shared appearance. There was an intruder in my house.
Carefully edging backward, I needed to make my way back to the bedroom to alert Heather and call the police.
"Heather! There's someone in the house! Call the police right now!" I shouted, keeping my gaze fixed on the intruder, even though I wished I didn't have to. The intruder remained motionless, almost frozen in place. As I shouted for Heather to call the police, I could hear teeth chattering as if it were beside my ear. Slowly, he moved from the kitchen island, his hands preceding his head, his unwavering stare fixed upon me.
With my heart pounding out of my chest, fueled by adrenaline, I took advantage of the rush surging through my veins and sprinted toward the kitchen to investigate. I hadn't seen him move from the island to anywhere else, so the realization that he had vanished sent shivers down my spine.
"What the fuck," I uttered, completely shaken to my core.
Moments later, the police arrived, responding to the report of an intruder. Heather peered out from the bedroom to assess the situation.
"Honey, are you okay?" Heather whispered loudly. I found myself sitting on the floor, stunned and deflated. I couldn't wrap my mind around what had just occurred. It made no sense. As logical as I considered myself to be, this defied all reason.
Heather tenderly held the top of my head, offering comfort as we awaited the arrival of the police.I needed to compose myself before opening the door for them."Hi, um, I don't know how to explain this," I said to the officer, my voice tinged with confusion, still trembling from the encounter. "Hello, I am Officer Santana. There was a call reporting an intruder. Are you okay, sir?"
I let Officer Santana and her partner inside and guided them to a seat. "This is going to sound strange, I understand that, but there was an intruder right over there," I pointed toward the kitchen island. "He was behind it, and then he wasn't. He simply vanished." Santana looked up at me, her eyebrows raised as she tried to comprehend the situation.
"What are you saying? He disappeared? Did you see him run anywhere?" Santana's partner asked, jotting down notes in their Paperkraft notepad. "Well, I saw him duck behind the island, and then he was gone. I know it sounds crazy, and I realize that."
"Okay, we're going to thoroughly check the house and ensure it's safe. In the meantime, please wait outside until we're done," Santana instructed, as both officers unclamped their pistols from their holsters. I felt a semblance of safety in their presence.
It was a chilly autumn day, with the scent of smoke wafting through the air, likely from my neighbors' fireplace. Jill and her husband, Dane, were wonderful neighbors who kept to themselves. Occasionally, they would surprise us with extra food, acting like the pseudo-parents of the neighborhood. Sometimes, I would take it upon myself to fix minor things around their house, like the black fence in the backyard. It always seemed to have a mysterious hole, despite their lack of pets or nearby animals.
Jill and Dane noticed the police presence and joined us outside, arms crossed in concern. "What's going on, guys?" Dane inquired. "There was someone in our house, but they disappeared. Maybe it was some kind of prank or squatter. I don't know," I replied, offering an explanation simply to have one, even though I struggled to believe it myself.
"Did you enjoy the apple pie I made the other day, Caesar? You devoured some of it when you came by to fix the fence," Jill chimed in, her culinary skills well-known. However, I hadn't tasted her cooking in months. "When did I fix the fence?" I asked, my tone dropping with confusion.
Jill's smile widened, as if assuming I understood what she was referring to. "What do you mean? You came by two days ago. You mentioned noticing the hole again and wanted to fix it for us."
"Oh, right! Sorry, my mind has been foggy lately. I loved the pie, it was delicious. You're such an amazing cook!" I responded, though I had no recollection of any fence-fixing visit. I gave her a reassuring answer to alleviate any concerns she might have.
Urgently, I pulled Heather aside, gripping her arm. "Heather, I never went to their house or fixed their fence. I have no idea what's happening, and I promise I'm not going crazy.""I believe you, but I'm starting to feel a little scared. These incidents where you've supposedly been to places and don't remember are unnerving," Heather confessed, her face etched with genuine worry.
The officers emerged from the house, re-holstering their pistols. "Your house is clear. Whatever was here is no longer present. We'll have patrols keep an eye on your property for the next few days. Other than that, you should be able to go back to bed," one of the officers assured us.
"Thank you, officers. We'll call again if anything happens inside," I expressed our gratitude. Heather and I held each other tightly as we made our way back to the house. "Let's try to get some rest," Heather suggested. However, that night, sleep eluded me as the image of that man's eyes lingered in my mind. Why did he resemble me?
It had been quite some time since I last encountered any strange incidents or intruders in my house. I was beginning to feel optimistic about the whole situation. Life had returned to normal, and my relationship with Heather was flourishing.
"You know, Caesar, I eventually want to have a baby. Can you help me with that?" Heather expressed her desire, and I chuckled nervously, embracing her from behind. "Of course, baby. Let's plan it out and see where life takes us." After bidding Heather farewell as she left for work, I settled on the couch.
The thought of becoming a father lingered in my mind, though it seemed like a daunting and incredible prospect.
Little did I know that two hours later, that day would alter the course of my life forever.
"Caesar," a voice pierced through my skull like a bullet, evoking a fear I had never experienced before. Shock washed over me, causing a lump to form in my throat. I recognized the voice, but the sheer terror prevented me from turning around.
"Caesar," the voice repeated, pushing my body into fight or flight mode. Summoning my courage, I slowly turned around.
It was me. The person standing before me was an identical version of myself. "What the fuck!?" I uttered, bewildered.
He began to approach me with slow, deliberate steps. His unblinking eyes and a smirking mouth hinted at some sinister intent. He halted just a foot's length away from me. "What are you!?" I screamed, attempting to push him away.
As he lunged towards my face, I sidestepped and prepared to strike him with a punch from my right hand. However, he swiftly evaded the blow and made another aggressive move towards me. He covered my mouth and nose, struggling to breathe, I swung my fists blindly in his direction before losing consciousness.
When I regained consciousness, I found myself in a shed approximately a mile away. Disoriented and terrified, I sat up, only to discover that the floor was strewn with animal flesh and blood. The overwhelming stench threatened to obliterate my senses.
I had to find a way back to my house, no matter what. I frantically searched the pockets of my jeans, hoping to find something that could aid me. To my dismay, everything was missing, including the cherished watch that once belonged to my late father.
Summoning my determination, I rose to my feet and forcefully slammed open the decaying wooden door. The task proved effortless, as the door had already begun to rot. As I surveyed my surroundings, I realized I was engulfed by a dense forest, devoid of any visible structures. I vaguely recalled that my house was situated along the northern line, which offered a glimmer of hope.
Although I had never been much of an outdoorsy person while growing up, my father had imparted a few tricks during our camping trips. I recollected his guidance on locating the North Star by first identifying the Big Dipper. I patiently waited for the night sky to emerge, conserving my energy for the impending journey. As the sun barely kissed the horizon, I discerned a cluster of houses, including mine, in the distance.
Mixed emotions welled up within me as I approached my home. Peering through the backyard windows, my heart sank to the floor. There I saw myself, holding Heather in a tight embrace, sharing kisses, laughter, and affection.
Desperate to escape this surreal nightmare, I knocked on the window, hoping to break free from that imposter. Heather's piercing scream echoed through the air as he rushed toward the window, bellowing at me to leave and threatening to involve the police once again. As I began to retreat from the backyard, he smirked, a sinister expression that mirrored my own.
This doppelgänger had assumed my identity in every way, rendering it impossible to distinguish between us. If I dared to approach the house or confront Heather, the consequences would be dire. I had made one attempt before, only to be manipulated into believing that I was a deranged relative harassing them. Heather, unaware of my familial connections due to my reticence about them, fell for his ruse.
Years passed, and I found myself confined to observing them from the safety of the woods. Heather's happiness blossomed as she became pregnant. Meanwhile, I remained trapped in this inexplicable nightmare, grappling with the cruel injustice that had stolen my life away.
As the years dragged on, my existence continued to be overshadowed by the twisted imposter who had stolen my life. I watched from the darkness of the woods as Heather's pregnancy progressed, the anticipation building within her. It was a bitter torment to witness her joy, knowing that I was the rightful father of that child.
​
If you are reading this, please believe me. I am desperate to reclaim my life and will do whatever it takes to bring her back to me.

I want an answer from those who have already cured their PIED, otherwise there's no point, no point in asking those who have yet to test this out:
Essentially, certain girls, certain pics or gifs or videos come to mind, you know the ones, the best ones ever, of the best chicks you ever saw online, and it was so good you even saved them in a folder called "New Folder" or "H"(hot) or "RL"(real life) to differentiate form the "H"(hentai/animation/3d) folder...and I can't imagine myself NOT wanting to fap to that girl in the future in my mind, just purely using my imagination(which is what you should be using anyway, so that's fine, that's healthy if it's just your mind).
But here comes the conondrum, you are already aware of some extra fking hot girls out there, it's done it's over, you've already seen them, you can't forget they exist now, you have been "corrupted with knowledge" Before it was blissful ignorance but now you know they exist. And so you masturbate cause it's been a week, you're feeling the itch, and you close your eyes, you imagine one of them, but no matter how hard you try you can't get a vivid and clear picture of them, you can't re-imagine every little detail, it's nowhere near as good as seeing a high quality 1080p or 720p video or gif or pic.....So is it okay to keep a small cache of material, of your most favoite girls ever, not going online to sroll through thousands of pics mind you, but instead just having some material in a folder, with self-control, and sticking to 1 girl every time you do it, could be several pics or gifs or videos, but only of 1 girl every time you go masturbate once a week or every 2 weeks.Cause I want something vivid instead of some foggy imagination where it's easy to imagine any setting or location but hard to imagine the body of the girl, the image just comes and goes(and in fact there are people who have it worse cause for w.e reason they are incapable of having an internal monologue or imagining something in their heads, it's weird but it's something I found out about a while ago, so this question is also for their sake, what do they do when they can't even create a mental picture).
The issue is that there's no way I can re-imagine every little detail, everything said or just a 100% vivid image. So I'm sitting here wondering if I could ever truly masturbate in peace after curing myself knowing there's some down-right, absolutely-fucking amazing looking and hot material out there and in fear of it triggering something dormant, it ruining all the work done to cure the PIED, I avoid that kind of material that would help with masturbation instead of risking PIED returning even though you stuck to only 1 girl per session and did it sparsely every 1 or 2 weeks. Can it still return even if you have that kind of self-control, just because you're looking at some material of just 1 girl.And if real-life girls are too dangerous for masturbation material, is 3d or hentai okay since it's not real and thus it won't have the same effect, no risk of desensitizing from the real stuff cause you're not looking at the real stuff?
Ps; this whole time I've been talking about drawings, pics, videos or gifs of solo content, I would refrain from content that also includes a guy or at least a guy with a face that isn't mine cause I think that's a major issue that could potentially cause the mentality of a cuckold in the viewer.

Hillary Clinton's stage name. § < PiggyFartdust > 2023-05-30 21:22
: . . Grow up. § < EightiesHair > 2023-05-30 21:31+5
: . . : . . ^says the man that obsesses over Mickey 24/7 § < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 21:35
: . . : . . : . . LOL, is that a joke? < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 21:37
What is there to even obsess over? Both of you are mentally ill rejects with no lives.
For every one post of me kicking you in the ass, there's a half dozen of you losers crying about the King.
: . . : . . : . . : . . LoL. You're the joke, Wabbie. No one takes you < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 21:39
seriously. Claiming to be king of a forum that was dwindling years before I even knew about it. What a laugh riot.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I'll take that as a yes. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 21:42+10
I really hate replying to you because I find you so repulsive and depressing, but it was really nice of sullivan to try and talk some sense to your ugly ass, of course he failed miserably.
Soon LD will tired of you as well, and kissing Mickey's scrub ass will be all you got. How sad.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . While I was out of town having the time of my < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 21:44
life you were here whining about Mickey and me, now that's pathetic scrub behavior there. At least Mickey can play guitar, draw, and fix cars. You bring absolutely nothing to the table except douchebagery.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . hes gonna +5 himself... make way.. § < - > 2023-05-30 21:46
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Haha, he's stupid point wars. Pathetic. § < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 21:46
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Now you're drooling about points. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 21:54
As if bitch ass Mickey doesn't use the dozen or so handles he has saved up to plus himself and the stupid shit you post here.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . That thing drools from her tranquilizers § < River__Dong > 2023-05-30 21:57
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . And you, the gray chickenshit. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 21:51
What are you going to do when it's only you, special needs VC, and jobless scrub Mickey in here?
Will the three of you cry about me more or less then?
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . 142 IQ, with a job you could never comprehend < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 21:53
is definitely not special needs, ya pathetic waste of space. If anyone is jobless, it is you, maggot.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I've never heard someone try to belittle < AgentMick > 2023-05-30 21:54
home ownership.
This dude is so backwards.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Don't worry scrub, I'll never be able to insult < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:00
you for being a home owner.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . You're in the basement of a hospital < River__Dong > 2023-05-30 21:55
Changing batteries on computer mice and sanitizing keyboards when needed
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I'm not Kortalus. My job is application trouble < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 21:57
shooting you, dunce. It's above that pay grade.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . She got some job sitting in front a pc all day. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:01
Just pressing buttons, pretty easy to come back in shitty communities like hers, if you can keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.
That's why she's so excited to talk to people in here, it's her only social outlet.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I just went to a friend's BBQ and got to hangout < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 22:07
in their hot tub over the weekend, you fool.
I am not on here 24/7 whining about other posters in both green and grey like you are
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Nobody cares. § < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:09+5
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Haha, nice self-plussing, weirdo. § < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 22:11
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Haha, drooling about points again. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:13
Your boring posts are as repetitive as your shitty job.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . quit harassing the women, scrub < sober-up > 2023-05-30 22:15
you can email mickey tomorrow
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . LoL. My job is amazing and at least I have one < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 22:15
unlike you, maggot.
If anyone drools over points it's you, fruit loop.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Your boring job sucks & yr life is lonely & sad < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:19
I wouldn't trade places with you for a million dollars.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . LMAO. You wish you were smart enough to even < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 22:22
do my job.
I have friends, family, and a biker club. It's far from lonely and sad. You come here so you can act like you are still in high school with the 'popular' crowd.
Grow up, maggot.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Haha, I just a saw this. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:42
A biker club? LMAO.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . That just makes u look like an even bigger fool < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 21:56
Gifted IQ and great job, and all you can contribute are retarded vocaroos and wedding invites to another loser who wanted nothing to do with your ugly ass, LOL.
Seriously, the more you share about yourself, the more depressing you sound. Fix your broken life, girl.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Haha, you didn't kill your pug. < AgentMick > 2023-05-30 21:59
It wanted to die.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . You're right stupid, I didn't. § < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:02
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Haha, D-E-A-D § < AgentMick > 2023-05-30 22:04
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . You'll be there too someday. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:06
Most likely by your own hand.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I don't kill inherited animals like you. < AgentMick > 2023-05-30 22:08
You failed as an owner.
Seek therapy.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Good, U shouldnt kill anything but yourself. § < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:09
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . 🍼 baby triggered ^ § < - > 2023-05-30 22:11
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I axed you a question, gray chickenshit. < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:16
Why don't you answer that instead of kissing Mickey's ass like another angry scrub loser.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . What part of "mental playground" do you < Morgan-LeFay > 2023-05-30 22:00
not comprehend you shallow, narcissistic fool.
Fix your assholery before you alienate everyone around you, maggot.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . It's too late for that. < AgentMick > 2023-05-30 22:02
No job,no gf,no friends, no family, etc.
Well, he might have a mom in vegas.
And he tried to fuck his niece one time.
: . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . U mean what part does anyone give a shit about?? < RageIssues > 2023-05-30 22:06
And that would be none, because you are a boring, depressing, disaster.
: . . Get some Pigmeat Markham § < - > 2023-05-30 21:32

Part 33 on HFY
I saw the figure on the ridge line to our west. He stood there for just a moment before moving away, back down the other side of the hill. I'm not sure if I imagined what I saw, or if some aspect of my relationship with Sarisa or (more likely) Inanna has made my eyes sharper. I weighed the pros and cons of alerting the others.
Pros: possible warning about a potentially serious situation.
Cons: being embarrassed if I was wrong.
I've basically lived the last six years in a state of perpetual embarrassment anyways, so the cons were basically a wash. I walked back inside, acting as if I hadn't seen a damn thing until the door closed behind me, at which point I rushed down the stairs, past the two hard-looking bearded dudes who could have been Gary's adult kids, if he'd had any and into the bowels of the Agency safehouse.
"Guys, Astoram's here. Or at least, his little cult is. Maybe. I saw one of the greasers just now, watching the safehouse from the ridge west of us."
All eyes turned to me. Sarisa frowned and then added, "Sixteen cult members, at least. They're holed up in the women's high school in Paghman, hosted by a local Taliban commander."
Inanna turned to her in surprise. "That was easy. Have you broken his pall of ignorance?"
"No," Sarisa shook her head and started gathering up supplies and stuffing them into packs. "Local gossip?" I asked and she favored me with a smile, "They do tend to stick out around here, don't they?"
"Well, so do we," Gary added, grabbing an M2010 off the rack and tossing it to me, then slinging his own custom M4 over his shoulder before grabbing a couple of bags and stuffing magazines in them. "We're going after them?" I asked, checking that the weapon was safe and empty, then catching a magazine he tossed me.
"We're going on the roof," Gary responded, "And if we see another, you're taking him down. We can't leave until Sara figures out exactly where we're going, and that seems likely to take a while."
"Won't that let them know we're on to them?" I asked as I loaded the magazine, chambered a round and the re-safed it.
"No," Sarisa answered for Gary, "The locals are quite unhappy about the obvious Americans being here. Someone's already taken a pot-shot at a few of them. They think it's multiple shooters, but it's really one of the guards at the school, shooting at them during his downtime. Achmed is not happy about playing host to the great Satan."
"It wouldn't really matter, anyways," Inanna added, hunching over her hands and frowning in concentration. "They know we're coming, else they wouldn't be here at all. It's probably coincidence that they're this close to us, but I'm not surprised they'd be watching holdover safehouses for us. Astoram could have stuck to locals if he wanted to set up another cult here. The fact that the greasers are here means he's gunning for us."
Gary handed me a plate carrier which I quickly donned and began adjusting the side straps to my slight frame. It took a lot of adjusting. While I did it, I peered over Inanna's shoulder to see what she was doing, but couldn't make it out. After a moment, she beckoned Sarisa over and both of them hunched over her hands. I still couldn't see what they were doing.
I got the carrier cinched down tight. Which was, like, the first time ever. I wondered if this one was a smaller size, but I'd never seen a tag on one, so I didn't know how to check. Gary was already kitted up with his rifle, his own armor and a spotting scope on a tripod. I nodded and he jerked his head towards the door, "Let's go."
"Wait," Inanna said. I turned to her and saw she was holding a tiny little avatar of her own. Unlike Inanna's unbuttoned ACU top and tight jeans, the avatar was wearing some BDSM looking outfit that left nothing to the imagination and was holding a giant rifle that I thought was one of the big .50 caliber ones, but couldn't be sure. The avatar blew me a kiss, gestured at her crotch and then pumped her free fist while thrusting her hips back and forth.
"Uhh," I said, "So she's an avatar of sniping, right?"
"Yup," Inanna confirmed, "With Sarisa's help, of course. She's the one who knows how to make avatars that can pass on knowledge like that."
"So I just eat her, then and I'll be a master sniper?" I asked. The avatar had moved her rifle to between her legs and was grinding on it in a way that would be provocative for a life-sized woman, but looked a little ridiculous.
"Well..."
I met Inanna's eyes and saw a mischievous sparkle there. "Well what?" I asked, my voice full of trepidation.
"You don't eat my avatars, Jerry."
"So what do I do?"
"You fuck them."
I gawked at her. "But she's like five, six inches tall!" I objected, "My... Thing is bigger than that!"
Kathy snorted, "I've seen you naked, dude. Your 'thing' is bigger than my forearm."
"No it's..." I trailed off because, yeah, that was Inanna's latest kink; she'd been making it grow for a couple weeks now, and while a certain part of me really enjoyed using and -total transparency- looking at it, it was becoming a bother.
Look, it's really awkward, alright? It's always in the way, and I don't have any hair on my inner thighs left because I'd taken to taping the damned thing down to keep it out of the way. I could barely even lay on my stomach any more. It's not funny.
My instinctive denial notwithstanding, the point remained. I looked at Inanna with confusion plain on my features. In response, she sat the avatar down on the floor. She grew, but not by much, stopping when she reached about three feet tall.
"Well?" I said, "Why did it stop? Is there some other way?"
The avatar clapped her hands, then shook her head slowly, grinning. She slung the rifle onto her back and then rushed forward and began humping my leg like an excited dog.
"It'll fit," Inanna assured me.
"It'll kill her!" I objected. I shook my leg a bit, trying to get her to stop, but she just reached up and grabbed a hold of me through my pants. I squawked in surprise as the tiny hand clamped down.
"That's kind of the point, hun."
"What?!" I asked, confused.
"They're not really alive or aware, in the way you're imagining," Sarisa said, "They're like chatbots on the internet. They can engage in a handful of behaviors that they're pre-programmed with, but that's it. In this case, she's programmed to, well, get some."
"That's kinda what I figured, but..." I sighed in exasperation. "Fine, whatever, can I at least get a little privacy?" Inanna gestured towards other door in the room, which led to the two guards' bunks, and was currently unoccupied. The field agent who'd 'graciously' (read: under fictional orders from his boss, courtesy of Sarisa's influence on a CIA email server) hosted us here raised a hand. "Uh, after he's done, would you mind if I, uh..."
Inanna gave him a level look and both Kathy and Sarisa expressed their disgust at the request as I worked in vain to get the avatar off my leg. She was insistent and stubborn as hell. Eventually, Inanna said "Just pick her up and throw her over your shoulder, Jerry, she'll get the hint."
So I grabbed her under her arms and lifted up. I heard Kathy make a disgusted sound as I did, and I fully understood why. The avatar felt like a kid. She stopped fighting me almost immediately and clapped her hands in delight. I tossed her over my shoulder, feeling like a pedophile and we went into the other room.
Look, I'm not going to describe what happened because this was sketchy as hell and made me seriously uncomfortable. I mean, even by the standards of embarrassment and discomfort I'd gotten used to in the past few years. I was actually a little grateful for the ridiculous outfit and the even more ridiculously exaggerated proportions Inanna had given her, because anything else would have been too childlike for me to even consider it. Gross.
It wasn't anything worth describing, in any case. As soon as we started, she vanished in a burst of light and I felt that same odd sense of familiarity descend over me. I quickly got buttoned (and taped, sigh) back up and returned. The agent was sulking in the corner, his face a bright red. I ignored him.
"Inanna, I love you, but I swear upon all that's sacred, if you ever do that again and feel the need to make the avatar child sized, I will begin seriously questioning the morality of your libido." My face was a stone mask, and she balked for a second before her brow furrowed.
"I thought being smaller would be hot. Like, you know, making it tighter?"
"No. I feel disgusting, now. I prefer the life-size you, who reminds me in exactly zero ways of a little kid."
Kathy must have shared my feelings on the matter, because she was glaring daggers at Inanna. Sarisa looked shocked and Gary looked away, patiently examining the wall.
"Honestly, Jerry, the thought of the avatar looking like a child never really occurred to me. I... I'm sorry, babe. I promise, I'll never do that again." She moved to my side and laid her head on my shoulder, putting her arms around me. "I'm really sorry, I really never even considered that..."
I patted her back gently and kissed her on the top of her head, "I forgive you, but we gotta move," I said. "Are you coming along?"
She looked up, and I could actually see that her eyes were getting misty. Wow. I didn't think my recrimination would have this much effect on her; she was usually incorrigible. She nodded, "Yes, but you're the shooter and Gary's spotting. I'm just observing."
I nodded. I expected as much, because Gary had been making a point of having me do more shooting ever since Ethiopia. It was training, as much as it was getting me to actually pull some weight when shit hit the fan.
We headed up the stairs, me taking up the rear. Directly in front of me, Inanna swapped her ACU top for a plate carrier of her own (as opposed to simply adding a plate carrier on top) and swapped her tight jeans for assless chaps. Now there was the Inanna I knew. It might be a familiar butt, and one I've explored every nook and cranny of (or, nook and fanny as the case may be, heh heh, okay, fine, I'll stop now, yeesh. I was just cracking a joke. Get it? Cracking? Damn, tough crowd...), and I may have been a bit peeved at her at the moment, but I couldn't help but get lost in staring, until she abruptly stopped near the top step and I went face-first into it.
Oh crap, my tape came free.
I adjusted everything with a deep sigh while Inanna gave me a little smile that was equal parts apology and mischief over her shoulder. I was not amused. I wondered if forgiveness could be rescinded.
We made it the rest of the way without incident. I got set up on the roof facing the ridge line, Gary beside me. Inanna crouched down next to me, and I somehow knew that she would be invisible to anyone but us. Gary ranged the hill and whistled, "Nine hunnerd forty three yards. Damn, Jerry, those are some good eyes you've got, if you could make out that much from here." I shrugged slightly.
"My eyes have been getting better ever since I met these two," I gestured at Inanna. "That's mostly Sarisa, not me," she added, "Humans she's interacted with while manifesting have gotten better eyesight several times in the past. Something about perception and learning, I don't remember how she explained it. But humans I've interacted with get really good at registering threats, too. So it probably wasn't just her."
Regardless of who was responsible, I understood Gary's surprise. Right now, without a figure to focus on, the ridge line was so far off that I couldn't even explain how I'd spotted the figure, let alone recognized his outfit. But I was quite sure of what I'd seen, so I tried to just accept it.
We stayed on that roof for hours, spelling each other. Gary would spend thirty minutes scanning the ridge line with his variable-zoom spotter scope while Inanna took me inside to simultaneously express her remorse for her inadvertent blunder, let me reassure her that all was forgiven, and give me a little exercise to keep the blood flowing. Then, I'd take my turn, peering through my fixed-magnification scope on my rifle or just squinting with my 'mark one eyeballs', as Gary called them, while Gary strode around on the roof, swinging his arms and doing pushups and other manly things.
Though it came as a surprise, it was also a bit of a relief when, as the sun was getting low, one of the burly, bearded guards came up just as Gary was about to let me take my turn. It was Drake; and he and Gary had recognized each other when we first got here.
"Hey man, you busy?" Drake asked as Gary stood to greet him. "Not for another half hour, why?"
Drake looked at Gary for a moment, then at the roof beneath his feet, and then back. Something unsaid and probably very manly and operator-ly passed between them. Too manly for me to understand. Gary raised his eyebrows, muttered, "Thought you'd never ask," and both turned to head back down, leaving me in my confusion.
But then Inanna cleared things up. She sprung up and ran over to them. "Wait!"
They turned, and she whispered briefly in Drake's ear before giving him a kiss on the cheek. Gary then got the same treatment and she returned. I opened my mouth to ask for some clarity, and then it hit me. Why would Inanna kiss them on the cheek? It was a blessing, of course. Because they were about to do something in her portfolio. Not something war-like, if you catch my drift.
"Was that a moment?" Inanna grinned. "Like in that movie," I added, "With the guy from The Sopranos and Brad Pitt, when the hit man and Julia Roberts are in the diner?" She nodded, "Hell yeah, and it's about damn time, too. He's the only one of our little group who hasn't gotten any since all this shit started."
"Well, him and Ixy," I said, peering through the scope at the same suspiciously-shaped bush I'd checked out a thousand times already.
"Are you kidding me? Ixy has a harem in his little extra-planar den. At least half the time he's not visible, he's getting some."
"Huh," I said, "It never even occurred to me. So what are his harem, like, the souls of dead Australopithecus women?"
"Maybe the souls of dead female hentai fans would be into that," Inanna corrected, "But as far as I know, it's all ancient devas."
"Like angels?" I asked. This was new.
"Sort of, yeah. No 'wheels within wheels' though, most devas look like people, or sometimes animals or inanimate objects. I've got about two, three hundred of mine still moving about in the world."
"So are they like avatars?"
"No, not really. None of us really know where they come from. But they periodically appear or vanish. When they appear, they always attach themselves to one of the gods and take on aspects of them. Each one has a particular focus. For example, I've got a deva of motherly love currently living a quiet life in Belgium. She's got great-grandkids, and none of her family suspect she's anything but the world's greatest mother. I've got another deva of unarmed combat mastery, Han. He's a trip; very hip. Stays up-to-date on pop culture."
"Do you think any of your or Sarisa's devas could help us?"
"I can't command them, if that's what you're asking. The attach themselves to me, and will almost always respect my choices and fulfill requests if I ask them, but there's nothing forcing them to. And I've already asked a couple, but they're all busy with their own thing or uninterested." She shrugged and blew out a long breath. "It's always a little weird when they say 'no', but it happens. Especially when conflict with other gods is involved. I didn't really expect any to want to help us."
"Huh," I said again. "Do you think that any-" I stopped. I'd just caught a flash of movement on the hills. I glued my right eye to the scope and kept my left eye open to guide it to the right spot.
"Got him," I said as the tiny figure in the black leather jacket and white t-shirt came into focus. "Can you spot for me?"
"Hell yeah, I'm not interrupting Gary," she said as she laid down by his scope. She got it lined up on the figure. "Nine thirty nine yards, wind moving..." she licked a finger a held it up, "say, two and a half knots, directly on LOS."
I did the math in my head. The wind would reduce the bullet drop over this long a range. Using formulas I hadn't known that morning, I quickly calculated a solution and dialed it into my optics. They didn't quite go far enough, but there will mill dots running along the crosshairs. I settled the second dot down from where the hairs met over the man's torso as he moved. I watched for a moment, timing his speed, then rolled forward of him by five and a quarter mill dots. I noted some quirks in the ground and adjusted to five and a half, then lowered my aim just a bit.
I sucked in a deep breath and waited for him to cross a specific rock. As soon as he did, I let out half the breath, squeezed the trigger until the rifle bucked in my hands, and then let the rest out. I kept my right eye on my scope, and watched as the man crossed the point I'd fired at and then abruptly collapsed. I saw his body moving weakly for a few seconds, and then it went still.
"Nice!" Inanna said with a hearty smack on my butt. I winced. She tended to smack really hard.
"Think they'll send someone out to look for him?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, without a doubt. Get comfortable, we're gonna be here a while yet."
I sighed and settled in. After about an hour (I didn't begrudge Gary the extra time), Gary returned, looking cheerful and chipper and a bit more relaxed than usual.
"Inanna, whatever was in that kiss was better'n a fifty-fifty mix of molly and viagra," he announced as he took her spot. "I truly do appreciate it, darlin'."
Inanna smiled and gave him another kiss. "Have another for next time. I'll make sure Drake is ready the next time you're off."
Gary grinned at her, and then turned to me. "Well, I thought I heard a shot a while ago. Did you get one?"
"Yeah, we're waiting for the search party, now." Gary grinned wider, "You see, this kinda cold-blooded shit is why infantry grunts like me just fuckin' hate snipers."
He settled down and got his eye on the scope, then added, "'Cept when they're on our side, of course."
"Of course," I agreed. After the sun set, we added night-vision modules to our optics. It occurred to me that, considering the type of people Astoram tended to attract, the dead guy's companions might not be in much of a hurry to check on his well-being. In fact, they likely wouldn't even care where he was until they began to get worried that his absence might bode poorly for them.
It was going to be a long night.
----
As a reminder, this whole story is available at JerryandtheGoddesses.

I heard a rumor there are cute animals strewn throughout various settlements in sanctuary. Is it fake news that you can emote pet the cats and dogs?
I just want to squeeze those little furballs by the cheeks and maybe give a belly rub! I'll farewell with a tiny kiss on the nose ... and proceed to REIGN HELLFIRE UPON ANY SCRAGGLY MINION IN MY PATH AND EVISCERATE THEIR FOWL CORPSE LEAVING NOTHING BUT MUTILATED GUTS IN MY WAKE.

Hi there – I have been following this sub for a few months trying to pick up tidbits along the way, but I feel I desperately need help. Apologies in advance for the long post.
I’ll preface by saying I have a dog. A Bull Terrier I rescued through an organization 6 years ago. He’s now 10, and he is my heart and soul. He’s sweet and gentle…stoic!
I recently volunteered to foster another Bull Terrier in desperate need, Buddy. Buddy has a lot of health issues (he has Valley Fever which has made him blind) and was neglected his whole life. I’ve had him for two and a half months.
Because of his blindness, Buddy gets twigged out in new situations. He barks and growls, and he definitely sounds and looks intimidating. I keep Buddy and my dog completely separate as Buddy tries to attack my dog (he did get him once, so it’s not an empty threat).
The rescue is aware of and working on getting Buddy a new place, as my home has been very disrupted. Neither Buddy nor my dog is living their best lives – they are both very stressed.
With that said, I want Buddy’s placement to have the best chance possible. I’m patient, and I’m willing to put in work while I do have him. I was hoping that a bit of consistency would calm Buddy down. I take him on 2 walks a day in a neighborhood that is VERY dog friendly. Buddy is very reactive to other dogs and people, so we have to zigzag all over the place to avoid others.
However, there are days/times where Buddy is completely chill when we pass others. He’s so inconsistent and unpredictable. Today, one neighbor said hello. She and Buddy have interacted many times and he’s been great. This morning, he was fine at first then randomly started barking and growling at her.
In spending some time in this sub, I’ve started incorporating positive reinforcement with treats while we are on our walks. He’s usually receptive though not always.
I understand that things are still new. I understand that his blindness adds a layer. But it just feels like as time goes on, his behavior is getting worse. He recently has started jumping up on me and other people – something he’s never done before. He’s getting even more aggressive toward my dog.
When it’s just one-on-one time with Buddy, he is the sweetest, silliest dog I’ve ever met. I love on him, he gives me kisses on my face, we snuggle, and you can tell he is in pure bliss.
I’ve never trained a dog. I feel out of my element, but I also feel determined to help this poor pup. Is he just a dog that can’t ever interact with other people or animals? Appreciate any insight and help.