so I do 1.2k calories usually and today I went over and I felt so horrible cause I’ve been doing good and it was only my second meal so I still had dinner. But for some reason I felt so much hungrier and empty in my stomach after that meal.
This happened again a week or two ago where I snacked at night with chips. Felt bad but that night I felt like my stomach was flatter and I felt empty and even hungry. I actually woke up the next day and I felt lighter and hit one of my goals?
Why does this happen?

​
MEQ30 score: 130/150; second only to trip 2 which was 145/150.
Note that I seem to either be unusually sensitive to this stuff or I have a really psychoactive cactus
Setting
Trip 4 is set indoors, at my house in the central north island of NZ predominantly lying down on my futon in the living room, with the curtains close and blindfolded for the majority of the peak. The heat pump is on. During the trip I played nature videos on netflix (docos that feature nature scenery and places) with the sound off, and the music that was playing was a John Hopkins Psychedelic playlist, with some modifications (mainly I added ~2 hours of instrumental beatles music to cover the comeup period and about 30 minutes of Enya to the open of the peak). Music was playing on a Boom 3 speaker. I spend a large portion of the peak blindfolded with a t-shirt (although not entirely but I’d guess probably 3 out of 4 hours of the peak were closed eye.
The trip begins at night (initial dosing at 1am on Saturday May 27th). The trip duration is probably in total ~18 hours – 2 hours of comeup, peaking from 3AM to 7AM, the glow / comedown phase from 7AM to 5PM (was basically laying down most of this time, still getting gradually fading open and closed eye visuals). The sort of lights flickering at the edge of my vision and ear ringing that seems to signify the cactus fully letting me go occured around 5-6pm, after which I was able to start standing up and do a few tidy up tasks before bed. Still had that good feeling until 8pm when I drifted off to sleep.
Set
I spent the week prior to the trip (Monday to Friday) working out of town supporting emergency response work to some flooding events. Friday I drove back home arriving home around 4pm. I did some meditation and listened to relaxing music in the evening and also had some coffee to keep me up until I took the meditation. I also did some pre-trip journaling and thinking about intentions etc. Overally, probably the set was so-so – previous trips were partially preceded by week long holidays so my overall moodstate was good. I was probably slightly anxious and a little bit unsettled entering into the trip.
Flight Instructions
Essentially the classic flight instructions.
o If you see a door, open it and go through
o Trust the trajectory, follow your path
o Let go, be open, trust
o If you see a window, look through it
o If you see a demon, stand your ground and question it
o I am safe. Let go.
Preparation
I did the same tea making tec as last time, more or less. The piece of cactus was 260mm long and 90mm thick. I peeled the outer clear skin but did not remove any spines. I then cut the cactus into approx 1 inch thick pieces. A difference this time was that I separated the dark green outer skin, my theory being more surface area exposed to the water might increase extraction. I chopped all the pieces up finely into pieces, including the center and put it in the pot and added water. The first boiling lasted about 4 hours, because I added about 2 liters during the boiling process to keep it going. The second boil was a 2 hour straight boil of fresh water added to the cactus. I used a t-shirt to squeeze fluid out of the cactus pieces and a strainer to transfer the fluid through to try and get some of the gunk out. The final reduction was to boil the liquid down to about 1 cup.
The Trip
This part is a transcription mostly of notes I made during the trip. Another section will try and delve into the peak experience (what I can remember of it) although it is mostly ineffable.
12:10 AM
Working on the last te areduction now. Total boiling time will be about 6.5 hours I guess. I have set the TV up so that I can see it from where the futon is; my idea is to watch nature documentaries on mute with the music playlist plaing. I have found a black t-shirt to use as a blindfold as I plan to do a significantly more closed eye journey.
I am excited to see where the cactus takes me this time, and what I will learn about myself and the world.
I intend to change my habits. I intend to learn what she has to teach me. Kissing gaia.
I will let go and embrace the journey, and float downstream.
12:35 AM
Still doing the tea reduction. Soon! I am surprised I am not tired at this stage – I’m excited for the trip I guess 😊
12:57 AM
It begins. Final boil done. Down to one cup. I am letting it cool down.
May my journey be beautiful and may I find important lessons.
I intend to change my habits.
A re-write of the flight instructions:
If you see a door, open it and go through
If you see a window, look through it
Let go and float downstream
Let go, be open, trust the journey
Trust the trajectory, follow your path
1:01 AM
The first sip. Blech. Always tastes bitter and gross although it seems to taste worse this time. It tastes thicker and grosser than previous reductions.
1:11AM
10 minutes in. Have been sipping it slowly. Gross.
The best way out is through! I am watching Our Planet footage.
1:15 AM
Starting to feel a tingling sensation on the right side of head / brain. Stomach starting to feel rumbly and toss and turn. Feeling a mild tingling sensation in my body.
1:15 AM
Hi! Where will she take me? What will she show me? (Addendum / writers remark: Who am I saying hi to?)
1:17 AM
Starting to feel a bit ‘grounded’ in the present
1:23 AM
Lighting ringing sound and a subtle shift in noise perception. Time is slowing down. Becoming even more present in the moment.
Still sipping the tea
1:27 AM
Have one third of the tea lift. Took a big gulp. Feeling naseaus / like vomiting / queasy. Initial sensations of tingling have worn off.
Still watching Our Planet.
1:33 AM
Body high starting to kick in. Mainly in the head this time. Edge lights at the edge of my vision starting.
1:41 AM
I am letting go. Some extra colour / deeper texture already.
1:44 AM
Feeling queasy!! Happy! 😊
1:43 AM
Don’t worry. Time is stopping
1:47 AM
Talking faster when I am reading through my intentions
Feeling good
Perception shift in visual effects and sound, time slowing down.
1:50 AM
She says lay down.
Door is opening.
(There is a sketch of a smiling face and a sun shining on the smiling face, and a sketch of a 3 dimensional door that has opened and is shimmering. )
1:52 AM
Essentially done the tea. Extremely queasy and almost vomitted. There is maybe 1/15th of it left in the cup (sludgy solids) but i can’t bring myself to drink it.
1:54 AM
Enya playing now 😊
1:58 AM
Feel the love!
2:28 AM
Music! 😊 (There is a sketch of waves)
Music = Amazing. The notes.
2:00 AM
Mega queasy now
2:27 AM
Queasy still. Wanna vomit. Time is slowing. Extra perception. Deeper colour. Slower perception (everything is slowing down). I can hear every little movement and noise the heap pump makes. Lots of sound perception.
I feel good
Intense colour depth starting.
2:38
LOVE
TIME STOPPING
BEAUTY. COLOUR. ITS COMING 😊 😊 😊 LOVE. SOON. TIME IS DISSOLVING.
2:41 AM
Taihiti on TV. 3D and 4D. The colour is deep and incredible. It is coming out of the screen. Beautiful beyond words.
Change is cood!
Colour; the blue is bluer and deeper.
2:50 AM
We are all the same. Everybody is the same. Human
3:00 AM
(Have started mostly wearing the blindfold at this point although taking it off to pee / write)
Intense closed eye visuals. Coloroful triangles and patterns; seems like glass breaking apart in my vision. Shifting to the music.
There is a door that opens and a vast staircase through it. Going in
3:09 AM
Watching a video of NZ. Beautiful. Beautiful beyond words – NZ is beauty.
3:30 AM
3:10 to 3:30 – eyes closed. My brother was here – he is here. He reached out and hugged me, I felt it, and I hugged him. We watched the TV. He asked why Enya music? I said mom then we were back in Canada with mom.
3:37 AM
My brother is here. Just two bros hanging out watching TV. He hugged me again. We have a cover – I am doing this to change my life. But really I am just hanging out with my brother.
3:47 AM
More closed eye.
The roof was gone. The floor was gone. I seemed to be in space, or somewhere else. I was laying at different angles. Not sure where I was. More hugs from My brother is here. No one knows. They don’t kneed to know. Just us hanging out.
4:00 AM
I was in another dimension. I was in a long tunnel, stretched out, infinitely long, then the tunnel snapped back to completely flat circle with me in it.
I was folding round – 8 dimensionally and rotating round inside it.
All good. My brother still there. Multi dimensional ride with 2 bros.
I folded round multi dimensionally, I turned flat, I was spread out against walls. I turned into paint and dissolved. I was in Cochrane.
Changing habits – it’s all a cover to hang out with my brother. Shhhhhhhhh.
He says he’ll tell his side he is helping me change my habits.
But we are just hanging out. LOL.
4:10 AM
I folded round on myself. Folded up. I was vertical while laying down.
4:30 AM
I was in a clockwork mind room or auditorium / theater space that contained my mind. I could see my entire mind, floating in this room. But my mind was also Gaia / the infinite love from Trip 2. I had an out of body perspective – I could see myself, standing on a ladder next to mind, with wood and other things being passed to me from my brother. I was working on fixing it. But I was out of body (no me ?). I had a birds eye perspective of the entire thing; I could see my mind, and I could see verything that was wrong with it. I could see all these doors / windows in it, with papers and images flowing out of it and scattering everywhere.
After this, I was transported into this big gear rearranging clockwork space (sort of like, the moving staircases in Harry Potter but all gears and Clock work) with pieces rearranging. The pieces were me. I spread apart and moved apart into these gears and puzzle pieces, then it put me back together (writers note, one specific thing I remember was the leg that always limps when I get really depressed / suicidal being removed and replaced with a new one). The put me back together. Different. But togetehr.
Swirly thing. I went through this swirly portal (like the rotating swirl time travel portal in Austin Powers lol). Time travel. Space travel. Back in Canada. My brother was alive. I was my brother.
Paint – I kept dissolving into paint! All spread out.
5:00 AM
We were building a ski building. Then moved into this strange Mexican space.
Paint! I turned into paint! And Nacho cheese, I turned into Nacho Cheese! LMAO!
I was back in an enormous, infinitely large clockwork room, with huge infinitely large clockwork heads and clock work men. A clockwork mansion. All imitation – the boys. Clockwork?
Time frozen (5:20AM)
5:20 AM
Mexican ski girls
Lots of mexican stuff
I was a mexican girl
6:20 AM (Time not written down but believe this was around 6 – 6:20 AM
Did I get molested or abused somehow as a child? Is that what it showed me?
I asked out loud
It seems like the answer was yes, but I can’t find the door or kick the door in to find it
Mexican girls? Playing? Was that it?
WHAT THE FUCK (this is written in enormous letters across an entire page)
Later – maybe 8 – 9 AM:
Spent several hours looking for doors and windows trying to find it. Couldn’t find it, but eventually a name drew itself with my eyes closed, out of floating glowing balls, but I couldn’t quite read it and it wouldn’t fully form. Though I think I know the name.
Nothing written from 9AM to 8PM although essentially I was just laying on the futon in bliss. Ostensibly the end of the peak and the hours after it might be described as a 'bad trip' although mescaline seems to put a pretty cozy blanket of love and happiness around things.
8 PM
Long glide and come down. Hours of intense crying, cathartic, but stressed. Laying blasted out on the futon almost till sunset. Then was able to get up and move around more from around 4-5 PM. Sad but releaxing nad healing. Spent alot of time crying and cuddling the body pillow. It’s OK. Whatever it was wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it or do anything wrong. I deserves to be loved and cared for. Can learn to love myself.
Peak
Early in the peak, with my eyes closed, one of the first closed eye visuals I had at the transition from the body high / comeup to the peak was of of all of these great triangle glass shards starting to crack and break apart. It was me, breaking apart.
Early in the peak, my brother arrived. I remember thinking about him, and then I felt him reaching out to hug me – I opened my arms and we hugged. I felt the hug. I can still feel the echo of it when I’m writing this. It felt like a real hug.
The roof disappeared, and the floor disappeared, and then I was floating somewhere, in time and space, although maybe i was time and space. I kept shifting direction and position. I would be laying vertically, at an angle, sideways, up and down. Sensational.
I remember being stretched out into this infinitely long tunnel. I was in the tunnel, but I was also spread out, round the walls of the tunnel. Suddenly, the tunnel became infinitely long, as if I was being transported somewhere or going through it. Somehow the tunnel was also multi-dimensional – 8 dimensional? I wrote that down. Suddenly the tunnel snaps shut, into a completely flat circle. And I was in the circle, flat.
I remember dissolving away into paint, melting and spreading out across the floor. The paint spread out and started covering the walls of multi-dimensional spaces – like cubes and spheres and tunnels that were all folding round on themselves in multiple ways, impossible ways. I turned inside out and outside in, and I spread out and dissolved.
For awhile, we were hanging out watching the TV, watching New Zealand on TV. I told him I live in NZ now. Only we weren’t in NZ – we were somewhere else. Eternity? Canada? Floating in space? In between? We seemed to be everywhere and nowhere. It was bizarre. I said it was funny, watching video footage of NZ, while I lived in NZ, and my body was in NZ, but we were somewhere else, but we were also there in the room watching the video.
It looked so beautiful – NZ. What a beautiful place. The mountains and the valleys and the rivers and the plains multi-dimensionally coming out of the screen. The incredible depth of colour and texture. The ineffeable beauty of it all.
At some point, I turned into my brother. And I turned into a Mexican woman.
I had a discussion with my brother about how I was trying to fix myself, but that was just a cover to hang out with him. He said he would tell his side that he was helping fix me, although we were really just hanging out. After that with my eyes closed I turned into a builder on a ladder, a huge ladder, in space...or, somewhere, I don’t really know where I was. And pieces were being passed to me. My brother was a builder. I was my brother, my brother was me. I was fixing myself?
After this, I believe I ended in the vast clockwork room, which also seemed to be a giant, infinitely large spherical space or auditorium. In it I could see my mind, and I could see me on the ladder trying to fix myself. Except I was an observer floating around the space. I could see all these doors or windows in my brain, and there seemed to be images, books and papers flowing out of it and scattering everywhere (And back in? I’m not sure). My mind was being fixed? It was like I could see everything wrong with my brain. Except it wasn’t just my brain; the duality thing again. It was my brain, but it was also gaia / eternity / infinite love ( the same thing from the second trip). It seemed like I was getting close to it but not quite fully merging into it. And I was the brain and I was gaia and I was also out of body floating with a birds eye perspective.
After this, I was transported to the re-arranging clockwork big gear space, sort of like the moving staircases in Harry Potter. I dissolved apart into various pieces of clock work and machines, and the space took me apart, repaired pieces, replaced some, and then put me back together. The same, but different. Subsequently, I ended up in this enourmous, infinitely large room full of huge clockwork machine men (think like the clockwork men from Doctor Who only infiinitely large)
This sequence (the infinitely large spherical space, the clockwork big gear space and the room filled with clockwork machine men) is probably the second most incredible thing I've ever experienced in my life (only narrowly edged out by trip #2)
After this I entered the mexican place. It was quite strange – I’m not sure where the mexican comes from. It was ineffable and indescribable. All of these colours. Sort of like the colours on my blanket. Only, I was the colours. And I was the place. Then there were mountains, like the Mexican place, and me and my brother were building a ski lodge. There were these Mexican girls there. I felt heat. And red colour. I dissolved again into Nacho cheese. I feel like there is more to this part of it although I can’t remember. I believe that for an extended period I simply became light and was just drifting along (I have a sunrise alarm with a 1 hour sunrise and I seemed to dissolve into the light of that)

MEQ30 score: 130/150; second only to trip 2 which was 145/150.
Note that I seem to either be unusually sensitive to this stuff or I have a really psychoactive cactus
Setting
Trip 4 is set indoors, at my house in the central north island of NZ predominantly lying down on my futon in the living room, with the curtains close and blindfolded for the majority of the peak. The heat pump is on. During the trip I played nature videos on netflix (docos that feature nature scenery and places) with the sound off, and the music that was playing was a John Hopkins Psychedelic playlist, with some modifications (mainly I added ~2 hours of instrumental beatles music to cover the comeup period and about 30 minutes of Enya to the open of the peak). Music was playing on a Boom 3 speaker. I spend a large portion of the peak blindfolded with a t-shirt (although not entirely but I’d guess probably 3 out of 4 hours of the peak were closed eye.
The trip begins at night (initial dosing at 1am on Saturday May 27th). The trip duration is probably in total ~18 hours – 2 hours of comeup, peaking from 3AM to 7AM, the glow / comedown phase from 7AM to 5PM (was basically laying down most of this time, still getting gradually fading open and closed eye visuals). The sort of lights flickering at the edge of my vision and ear ringing that seems to signify the cactus fully letting me go occured around 5-6pm, after which I was able to start standing up and do a few tidy up tasks before bed. Still had that good feeling until 8pm when I drifted off to sleep.
Set
I spent the week prior to the trip (Monday to Friday) working out of town supporting emergency response work to some flooding events. Friday I drove back home arriving home around 4pm. I did some meditation and listened to relaxing music in the evening and also had some coffee to keep me up until I took the meditation. I also did some pre-trip journaling and thinking about intentions etc. Overally, probably the set was so-so – previous trips were partially preceded by week long holidays so my overall moodstate was good. I was probably slightly anxious and a little bit unsettled entering into the trip.
Flight Instructions
Essentially the classic flight instructions.
o If you see a door, open it and go through
o Trust the trajectory, follow your path
o Let go, be open, trust
o If you see a window, look through it
o If you see a demon, stand your ground and question it
o I am safe. Let go.
Preparation
I did the same tea making tec as last time, more or less. The piece of cactus was 260mm long and 90mm thick. I peeled the outer clear skin but did not remove any spines. I then cut the cactus into approx 1 inch thick pieces. A difference this time was that I separated the dark green outer skin, my theory being more surface area exposed to the water might increase extraction. I chopped all the pieces up finely into pieces, including the center and put it in the pot and added water. The first boiling lasted about 4 hours, because I added about 2 liters during the boiling process to keep it going. The second boil was a 2 hour straight boil of fresh water added to the cactus. I used a t-shirt to squeeze fluid out of the cactus pieces and a strainer to transfer the fluid through to try and get some of the gunk out. The final reduction was to boil the liquid down to about 1 cup.
The Trip
This part is a transcription mostly of notes I made during the trip. Another section will try and delve into the peak experience (what I can remember of it) although it is mostly ineffable.
12:10 AM
Working on the last te areduction now. Total boiling time will be about 6.5 hours I guess. I have set the TV up so that I can see it from where the futon is; my idea is to watch nature documentaries on mute with the music playlist plaing. I have found a black t-shirt to use as a blindfold as I plan to do a significantly more closed eye journey.
I am excited to see where the cactus takes me this time, and what I will learn about myself and the world.
I intend to change my habits. I intend to learn what she has to teach me. Kissing gaia.
I will let go and embrace the journey, and float downstream.
12:35 AM
Still doing the tea reduction. Soon! I am surprised I am not tired at this stage – I’m excited for the trip I guess 😊
12:57 AM
It begins. Final boil done. Down to one cup. I am letting it cool down.
May my journey be beautiful and may I find important lessons.
I intend to change my habits.
A re-write of the flight instructions:
If you see a door, open it and go through
If you see a window, look through it
Let go and float downstream
Let go, be open, trust the journey
Trust the trajectory, follow your path
1:01 AM
The first sip. Blech. Always tastes bitter and gross although it seems to taste worse this time. It tastes thicker and grosser than previous reductions.
1:11AM
10 minutes in. Have been sipping it slowly. Gross.
The best way out is through! I am watching Our Planet footage.
1:15 AM
Starting to feel a tingling sensation on the right side of head / brain. Stomach starting to feel rumbly and toss and turn. Feeling a mild tingling sensation in my body.
1:15 AM
Hi! Where will she take me? What will she show me? (Addendum / writers remark: Who am I saying hi to?)
1:17 AM
Starting to feel a bit ‘grounded’ in the present
1:23 AM
Lighting ringing sound and a subtle shift in noise perception. Time is slowing down. Becoming even more present in the moment.
Still sipping the tea
1:27 AM
Have one third of the tea lift. Took a big gulp. Feeling naseaus / like vomiting / queasy. Initial sensations of tingling have worn off.
Still watching Our Planet.
1:33 AM
Body high starting to kick in. Mainly in the head this time. Edge lights at the edge of my vision starting.
1:41 AM
I am letting go. Some extra colour / deeper texture already.
1:44 AM
Feeling queasy!! Happy! 😊
1:43 AM
Don’t worry. Time is stopping
1:47 AM
Talking faster when I am reading through my intentions
Feeling good
Perception shift in visual effects and sound, time slowing down.
1:50 AM
She says lay down.
Door is opening.
(There is a sketch of a smiling face and a sun shining on the smiling face, and a sketch of a 3 dimensional door that has opened and is shimmering. )
1:52 AM
Essentially done the tea. Extremely queasy and almost vomitted. There is maybe 1/15th of it left in the cup (sludgy solids) but i can’t bring myself to drink it.
1:54 AM
Enya playing now 😊
1:58 AM
Feel the love!
2:28 AM
Music! 😊 (There is a sketch of waves)
Music = Amazing. The notes.
2:00 AM
Mega queasy now
2:27 AM
Queasy still. Wanna vomit. Time is slowing. Extra perception. Deeper colour. Slower perception (everything is slowing down). I can hear every little movement and noise the heap pump makes. Lots of sound perception.
I feel good
Intense colour depth starting.
2:38
LOVE
TIME STOPPING
BEAUTY. COLOUR. ITS COMING 😊 😊 😊 LOVE. SOON. TIME IS DISSOLVING.
2:41 AM
Taihiti on TV. 3D and 4D. The colour is deep and incredible. It is coming out of the screen. Beautiful beyond words.
Change is cood!
Colour; the blue is bluer and deeper.
2:50 AM
We are all the same. Everybody is the same. Human
3:00 AM
(Have started mostly wearing the blindfold at this point although taking it off to pee / write)
Intense closed eye visuals. Coloroful triangles and patterns; seems like glass breaking apart in my vision. Shifting to the music.
There is a door that opens and a vast staircase through it. Going in
3:09 AM
Watching a video of NZ. Beautiful. Beautiful beyond words – NZ is beauty.
3:30 AM
3:10 to 3:30 – eyes closed. My brother was here – he is here. He reached out and hugged me, I felt it, and I hugged him. We watched the TV. He asked why Enya music? I said mom then we were back in Canada with mom.
3:37 AM
My brother is here. Just two bros hanging out watching TV. He hugged me again. We have a cover – I am doing this to change my life. But really I am just hanging out with my brother.
3:47 AM
More closed eye.
The roof was gone. The floor was gone. I seemed to be in space, or somewhere else. I was laying at different angles. Not sure where I was. More hugs from My brother is here. No one knows. They don’t kneed to know. Just us hanging out.
4:00 AM
I was in another dimension. I was in a long tunnel, stretched out, infinitely long, then the tunnel snapped back to completely flat circle with me in it.
I was folding round – 8 dimensionally and rotating round inside it.
All good. My brother still there. Multi dimensional ride with 2 bros.
I folded round multi dimensionally, I turned flat, I was spread out against walls. I turned into paint and dissolved. I was in Cochrane.
Changing habits – it’s all a cover to hang out with my brother. Shhhhhhhhh.
He says he’ll tell his side he is helping me change my habits.
But we are just hanging out. LOL.
4:10 AM
I folded round on myself. Folded up. I was vertical while laying down.
4:30 AM
I was in a clockwork mind room or auditorium / theater space that contained my mind. I could see my entire mind, floating in this room. But my mind was also Gaia / the infinite love from Trip 2. I had an out of body perspective – I could see myself, standing on a ladder next to mind, with wood and other things being passed to me from my brother. I was working on fixing it. But I was out of body (no me ?). I had a birds eye perspective of the entire thing; I could see my mind, and I could see verything that was wrong with it. I could see all these doors / windows in it, with papers and images flowing out of it and scattering everywhere.
After this, I was transported into this big gear rearranging clockwork space (sort of like, the moving staircases in Harry Potter but all gears and Clock work) with pieces rearranging. The pieces were me. I spread apart and moved apart into these gears and puzzle pieces, then it put me back together (writers note, one specific thing I remember was the leg that always limps when I get really depressed / suicidal being removed and replaced with a new one). The put me back together. Different. But togetehr.
Swirly thing. I went through this swirly portal (like the rotating swirl time travel portal in Austin Powers lol). Time travel. Space travel. Back in Canada. My brother was alive. I was my brother.
Paint – I kept dissolving into paint! All spread out.
5:00 AM
We were building a ski building. Then moved into this strange Mexican space.
Paint! I turned into paint! And Nacho cheese, I turned into Nacho Cheese! LMAO!
I was back in an enormous, infinitely large clockwork room, with huge infinitely large clockwork heads and clock work men. A clockwork mansion. All imitation – the boys. Clockwork?
Time frozen (5:20AM)
5:20 AM
Mexican ski girls
Lots of mexican stuff
I was a mexican girl
6:20 AM (Time not written down but believe this was around 6 – 6:20 AM
Did I get molested or abused somehow as a child? Is that what it showed me?
I asked out loud
It seems like the answer was yes, but I can’t find the door or kick the door in to find it
Mexican girls? Playing? Was that it?
WHAT THE FUCK (this is written in enormous letters across an entire page)
Later – maybe 8 – 9 AM:
Spent several hours looking for doors and windows trying to find it. Couldn’t find it, but eventually a name drew itself with my eyes closed, out of floating glowing balls, but I couldn’t quite read it and it wouldn’t fully form. Though I think I know the name.
Nothing written from 9AM to 8PM although essentially I was just laying on the futon in bliss. Ostensibly the end of the peak and the hours after it might be described as a 'bad trip' although mescaline seems to put a pretty cozy blanket of love and happiness around things.
8 PM
Long glide and come down. Hours of intense crying, cathartic, but stressed. Laying blasted out on the futon almost till sunset. Then was able to get up and move around more from around 4-5 PM. Sad but releaxing nad healing. Spent alot of time crying and cuddling the body pillow. It’s OK. Whatever it was wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it or do anything wrong. I deserves to be loved and cared for. Can learn to love myself.
Peak
Early in the peak, with my eyes closed, one of the first closed eye visuals I had at the transition from the body high / comeup to the peak was of of all of these great triangle glass shards starting to crack and break apart. It was me, breaking apart.
Early in the peak, my brother arrived. I remember thinking about him, and then I felt him reaching out to hug me – I opened my arms and we hugged. I felt the hug. I can still feel the echo of it when I’m writing this. It felt like a real hug.
The roof disappeared, and the floor disappeared, and then I was floating somewhere, in time and space, although maybe i was time and space. I kept shifting direction and position. I would be laying vertically, at an angle, sideways, up and down. Sensational.
I remember being stretched out into this infinitely long tunnel. I was in the tunnel, but I was also spread out, round the walls of the tunnel. Suddenly, the tunnel became infinitely long, as if I was being transported somewhere or going through it. Somehow the tunnel was also multi-dimensional – 8 dimensional? I wrote that down. Suddenly the tunnel snaps shut, into a completely flat circle. And I was in the circle, flat.
I remember dissolving away into paint, melting and spreading out across the floor. The paint spread out and started covering the walls of multi-dimensional spaces – like cubes and spheres and tunnels that were all folding round on themselves in multiple ways, impossible ways. I turned inside out and outside in, and I spread out and dissolved.
For awhile, we were hanging out watching the TV, watching New Zealand on TV. I told him I live in NZ now. Only we weren’t in NZ – we were somewhere else. Eternity? Canada? Floating in space? In between? We seemed to be everywhere and nowhere. It was bizarre. I said it was funny, watching video footage of NZ, while I lived in NZ, and my body was in NZ, but we were somewhere else, but we were also there in the room watching the video.
It looked so beautiful – NZ. What a beautiful place. The mountains and the valleys and the rivers and the plains multi-dimensionally coming out of the screen. The incredible depth of colour and texture. The ineffeable beauty of it all.
At some point, I turned into my brother. And I turned into a Mexican woman.
I had a discussion with my brother about how I was trying to fix myself, but that was just a cover to hang out with him. He said he would tell his side that he was helping fix me, although we were really just hanging out. After that with my eyes closed I turned into a builder on a ladder, a huge ladder, in space...or, somewhere, I don’t really know where I was. And pieces were being passed to me. My brother was a builder. I was my brother, my brother was me. I was fixing myself?
After this, I believe I ended in the vast clockwork room, which also seemed to be a giant, infinitely large spherical space or auditorium. In it I could see my mind, and I could see me on the ladder trying to fix myself. Except I was an observer floating around the space. I could see all these doors or windows in my brain, and there seemed to be images, books and papers flowing out of it and scattering everywhere (And back in? I’m not sure). My mind was being fixed? It was like I could see everything wrong with my brain. Except it wasn’t just my brain; the duality thing again. It was my brain, but it was also gaia / eternity / infinite love ( the same thing from the second trip). It seemed like I was getting close to it but not quite fully merging into it. And I was the brain and I was gaia and I was also out of body floating with a birds eye perspective.
After this, I was transported to the re-arranging clockwork big gear space, sort of like the moving staircases in Harry Potter. I dissolved apart into various pieces of clock work and machines, and the space took me apart, repaired pieces, replaced some, and then put me back together. The same, but different. Subsequently, I ended up in this enourmous, infinitely large room full of huge clockwork machine men (think like the clockwork men from Doctor Who only infiinitely large)
This sequence (the infinitely large spherical space, the clockwork big gear space and the room filled with clockwork machine men) is probably the second most incredible thing I've ever experienced in my life (only narrowly edged out by trip #2)
After this I entered the mexican place. It was quite strange – I’m not sure where the mexican comes from. It was ineffable and indescribable. All of these colours. Sort of like the colours on my blanket. Only, I was the colours. And I was the place. Then there were mountains, like the Mexican place, and me and my brother were building a ski lodge. There were these Mexican girls there. I felt heat. And red colour. I dissolved again into Nacho cheese. I feel like there is more to this part of it although I can’t remember. I believe that for an extended period I always became light and was just drifting along (I have a sunrise alarm with a 1 hour sunrise and I seemed to dissolve into the light of that)

5' 5", currently 235-240, trying to get to 170, but I'll settle for below 200 for now. I'm sorry this is so long.
I've been on a diet for years and I did already lose 50 pounds (70 if you count the 20 I gained back that I can't get rid of), but it's just not working anymore no matter what I do. It seems that no matter how many calories I eat, my weight maintains. There have been weeks I ate like an idiot, didn't gain an ounce. Other weeks I stuck to my diet perfectly and didn't lose an ounce.
For the last maybe three weeks, I have been aiming for 800-900 calories a day. Hear me out on this before you say I have an eating disorder: I know I am overeating for one reason or another, so when I was aiming for 1200 calories a day, I likely was getting more calories than that. I figure aiming for lower daily calories will compensate for the excess calories and realistically put me closer to my intended deficit. I thought it was working, but then I gained back four pounds after losing five using this method. Probably cycle-related and/or water weight, but discouraging all the same. I take lots of vitamin supplements, so I am getting adequate nutrition.
My diet isn't too bad, I don't think. I try to eat a lot of chicken and vegetables, eggs and egg whites now and then, white fish and shrimp, tuna, yogurt (usually nonfat Greek, but sometimes I eat lite yogurt cups), some fruit (typically bananas, berries, apples and peaches), whole wheat products like bread, pasta and tortillas, cottage cheese, unsweetened almond milk, zero sugar everything, lots of water, and protein bars and shakes. I also eat some fats such as cheeses, nut butters, olive oil and butter, but I try to use these sparingly. I weigh out everything in grams on a kitchen scale and keep a food journal too.
I do exercise, but it's not a lot. Nothing fancy or lengthy - squats, crunches, push-ups, planks, some leg exercises and a few reps with my kettlebell. I gradually add more to each exercise as I get more used to doing them and do what I can handle. It probably doesn't do anything for me, but I figure it's better than nothing.
Things I have already done:

• Calcuated my BMR and my TDEE at my current weight (240), my goal weight (170) and my ideal weight (125). My TDEE at my ideal weight is around 1500 calories for maintenance, but somehow 1200-1300 calories a day is maintenance for me at almost 240 pounds. So I'm inclined to believe TDEE is to be taken with a grain of salt like BMI.
  
• Visited a dietitian, which was completely useless. She looked at my food journal showing a daily intake of 1200-1900 calories a day and told me I needed to eat more to lose weight. I slacked a lot prior to that appointment and was honest about my snacking in my journal.
  
• Tried to visit my hospital's weight loss center and was told my insurance wouldn't cover it because I'm not obese enough. My BMI is just shy of 40, by the way. I am also not eligible for weight loss surgery because I do not have obesity-related comorbidities such as diabetes and hypertension. I would not do surgery anyway after reading one too many stories of stomachs rupturing and constant vomiting.
  
• Been tested/examined for things that could be interfering with weight loss health-wise and everything was normal. I was diagnosed several years ago with hypothyroidism and I have been medicated for it ever since, so my thyroid should not be an issue. I am on birth control, but I was on it before I started losing weight, so I don't think it's an issue.
  
• Drink tons of water before meals to get full sooner. I just get hungry again within 1-2 hours.
  
• Keto dieting. I tried it on three different occasions and it was only on the third attempt that I lost anything - a whopping eight pounds. Then I gained it back while still on the diet. I swore it off after that last attempt because I hated it, and given my elevated cholesterol, I do not wish to try it again because of the high-fat nature of keto.
  
• Eating more calories, eating at maintenance for a bit to overcome a plateau, eating smaller frequent meals, intermittent fasting, a once-weekly 24-hour fast, appetite suppressants and OMAD. I found most of these to be either unsustainable or unsucessful, with the exception being the carb blocker that had the unintended side effect of decreasing hunger. The appetite decrease didn't seem to aid in my weight loss efforts.
  
• Weight loss apps. They took too long to use because of my terrible internet and phone signal and I found it far easier and faster to keep an analog food journal.
  
• I have an account on EatThisMuch.com for meal ideas based on an 800 calories/day budget.
  
• I am trying hard not to snack, which is most likely the biggest issue with my efforts. I figure lowering my daily calorie budget will allow me to enjoy a small amount of a snack so I can still indulge without overdoing it.
  
• Looked into the set weight theory for funsies. I cannot imagine my body's ideal size is 240 pounds.
  

Am I missing something? Like I know weight loss isn't easy, but I feel like it shouldn't be this hard either. Doctors are no help, they just tell me to keep at it and I'm doing great.

6 months ago I worked for a short time at a somewhat upscale restaurant. It was the best job I've ever had in my life and I absolutely loved the environment there and the people I worked with aside from the problems I'm about to dig into here.
I ended up getting let go from this job-- I was a slow learner, and I got let go on performance. I loved my manager and he promised to give me a good review for whatever jobs I look at next, because he said he thought I was a good person. He is the kindest, most thoughtful manager I have ever worked for. When they were letting me go, I asked if I would be able to apply again, and he said yes in 6 months. He was also telling me how optimistic he was that things would work out.
Shortly after leaving the job, my car key went missing, which I have a hunch was due to my S.O.'s mother, but sadly we had no security cameras or proof, so we couldn't just have the cops go to the house looking for the key. Instead I spent a good 5 months unemployed, my S.O. saved up to get my car towed and keys made, all the while we were struggling financially and this all lead up to now- I now have a court date for overdue insurance in June and my license is suspended, and my S.O.'s car just got repoed TODAY!! Needless to say it's been a shitshow.
I absolutely loved the environment I was working in before, and I desperately need a job at the same time (obviously). Since I officially hit the 6 month mark on the 1st, I applied to the place again. I immediately got rejected from the location I worked at. I then applied to another location and got a call to interview tomorrow right after sending the application.
Should I hide the fact that I haven't worked since? On the resume I sent in I listed the establishment as the last place I'd worked, which showed it was 6 months ago, so I was honestly surprised they called.
Ever since getting the keys dealt with again, I technically did recently accept an offer at a place in a near management position which I left after a week of training because I was seeing some red flags that turned out to be PROVEN TRUE 🙃 Such as I still haven't been paid and it's been 3 pay periods now, even though I left, and legaladvice advised to to file a wage complaint.. so who knows what I would have endured there.
Should I mention that I got this position since the title may be impressive? Or is it best to shut my mouth that I had a job that I left that soon?
Now, inevitably they are going to ask me what happened the last time I was at the restaurant. Well, buckle in and get ready to hear a little workplace drama: I was a slow learner at first, i admit it. Once I got the hang of things, though, I REALLY got it, and it honestly was the easiest job in the world to me, and I LOVED doing it when everybody wasn't on my ass. Unfortunately, since I had prior frustrated my coworkers, it got to a point where even when I was doing light-years better, I would still have coworkers be on edge with me and always excessively checking to make sure I had things done, even after I had shown that I had my stuff down pat for a while now. 2 of the coworkers, the most on my ass ones, quit, and the manager assured me it wasn't because of me, but I feel that was a lie because I told them I don't work well under guilt or pressure. Basically I had a day where I broke down to my manager in the office, hysterical crying, telling him that I know how to do things now and that nobody's noticed, and he said that many did and many did not.
Once those 2 were out, I was left with the last coworker I'd be around regularly- and it was this girl who was bitter from being paid $1 less from the rest of us. I KNEW she was going to take this opportunity to be just as on my ass, if not more, than the last two, and honestly, I just didn't have the mental fortitude to deal with it. I don't do well for social games, I don't have the heart for it, and if someone is going to try to frame me for something, I have a bad habit of just letting it happen to get it over with. The girl was already snipping and it's been too long to remember specifics at that point, but I knew she was looking for any wrong thing I did to tell my manager. I wasn't planning on doing anything wrong and I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I had had enough, I felt genuinely just sad, heartbroken that this all had transpired and I didn't have the energy to play workplace drama games with this girl, it's genuinely just not something I like doing. I felt shattered, and terrible that my coworkers quit and it boiled down to the last underpaid girl who I actually liked LESS than the 2 who were most on my ass. Those two girls were actually good girls and I thought they had great allover personalities, I just wished they had cut me some slack once I got used to things. I really had a love-hate relationship with them. But prior to any of this happening, this same underpaid girl had made it known to coworkers that she was already upset with the job and bitter, she had an attitude about it and compared it to working at mcdonalds, but none of this was EVER within management's sight that I'm aware of. So they had no idea that this girl I was now left with has been moping around bitter and not taking this job seriously and always ready to quit and be mad at anything they ask her to do due to her pay for a while now. Thats why I lost my ability to play this game so quickly-- she was very visibly eager to try to dimish my every effort from the jump once the two coworkers left and she felt she had me all to herself and had leverage now, and could easily outsmart and outbeat me. I don't even remember what it was, but I snapped and told her I had covid (I didn't), because I knew she would freak out and ask not to be scheduled with me. I was suspended for 3 days because I caused such an upset with the covid comment and then returned to work. I figured once I said that I'd get in trouble but then it would blow over, and I was hoping they wouldn't schedule me with her any more, since they had just brought in a guy from another department to what my position was and he was REALLY good and I absolutely loved working with and learning from him. So after my 3 days, I go in for my next scheduled shift and I see I'm working with her again, even though I had sent a hotschedule message asking to be scheduled with the guy. Which my manager said was fine, but I couldn't do anything about the already posted next 2 weeks on the schedule, it just isn't a workplace where they will alter it. So once I see her I decided to whip out all of my work in the first hour, and I DID. I went complete horsepower mode and knocked out my whole shifts of work in the first hour, and went and laid down in the back for a second. I knew I may get in trouble for laying down, but I just wanted it to be over. I was exhausted as I had been up all night because a manipulative family member had an episode for the first time in a long time of not having one, waking me up when I needed to sleep for my shift. So when I knocked out all of my work in that one hour, I gave her NO room to talk to me. She was very obviously upset that I wasn't consulting her every 2 seconds and I didn't want to deal with this- it had me kicking my ass into gear to complete all that work so hard, but I knew this was the last time I could deal with this. I broke. So I decided to kind of ask for trouble a second time, after the whole lying about covid ordeal, and kind of laid down in the back.. somewhat on purpose, and somewhat because I was actually tired, because I knew this may be thr last straw where I get fired, and I just wanted it to all be done and over with, I was so sad, I just didn't want to have to work in such a degrading way like this where I am forever indebted to everyone and I have to prove my worth at 100X speed and be the picture perfect worker there, when I was already doing GOOD at that point. Alas, that was the last straw and it was over. And to be fair, just being a slow learner wasn't my only problem. Okay, I'm just going to be honest now. I learned at a decent pace, but my two ACTUAL biggest mistakes were that 1.) I have chronic pain and didn't disclose when I interviewed that I need to be home at a certain time in the evening (9/930 latest) to take a medication that impairs my driving, else I have trouble walking and it really slows me down. 2.) I projected my OCD onto the company and purposely overlapped the floors, making them think I was just a slow learner 😬😬 I did this with employee bathrooms as well. I also sprayed down spots of the employee bathrooms we weren't expected to spray down and was in fact told at first that we're NOT supposed to clean those parts, which gave me the ick and I would secretly spray those parts because they would be common/basic parts. Come to find out later that new guy said that's actually how we WERE supposed to do it.. anyways, at the end of the day during bathroom duties I wouod already be slowing down due to my pain to begin with since my medication wasn't getting into my body at the appropriate time, and on top of THAT, my slowing down was even worse because I was sneakily cleaning these parts of the bathroom that everyone would scold you for cleaning because it took too much time. So therenow you know the truth, i was contemplating just baring it all, so there it is. How in HEAVENS am I to explain this tomorrow? Since the manager said he would give me a good reference anywhere, should I assume he is also going to do that for me to the same restaurant of another location nearby? I am scared of putting my foot in my mouth, because what if I TL;DR the truth for them or tell them that I was bad, only for the manager to say I was great, and then it looks weird and I don't get hired, or, what if I lie and tell them I was great but the manager tells THIS place the truth, since it is the same chain? Basically what if his offer to give me a good reference only extends to external places unassociated with the company? Since I was rejected IMMEDIATELY after sending the resume into my prior location, I worry that the restaurant may hear the entire lowdown on what's happened. How should I navigate this? Another thing is now that the one car is suspended and one is repoed as of today, my S.O. and I are living with a relative, so that relative has to drive us around, so I'd have to leave around 4:30-5pm until he can get the car back, or until I pay my insurance AND get the okay from the state that I am officially unsuspended, because he needs toe dropped off at work around 6-630, he works graveyard. Basically the relative would have to drop me off to work, come and get me with him when I'm off my shift, and drop him off (I doubt she would let him use the car alone). Unless I'm thinking about this wrong, which I admit, my mind is currently overflooded and overwhelmed with what to do.

6 months ago I worked for a short time at a somewhat upscale restaurant. It was the best job I've ever had in my life and I absolutely loved the environment there and the people I worked with aside from the problems I'm about to dig into here.
I ended up getting let go from this job-- I was a slow learner, and I got let go on performance. I loved my manager and he promised to give me a good review for whatever jobs I look at next, because he said he thought I was a good person. He is the kindest, most thoughtful manager I have ever worked for. When they were letting me go, I asked if I would be able to apply again, and he said yes in 6 months. He was also telling me how optimistic he was that things would work out.
Shortly after leaving the job, my car key went missing, which I have a hunch was due to my S.O.'s mother, but sadly we had no security cameras or proof, so we couldn't just have the cops go to the house looking for the key. Instead I spent a good 5 months unemployed, my S.O. saved up to get my car towed and keys made, all the while we were struggling financially and this all lead up to now- I now have a court date for overdue insurance in June and my license is suspended, and my S.O.'s car just got repoed TODAY!! Needless to say it's been a shitshow.
I absolutely loved the environment I was working in before, and I desperately need a job at the same time (obviously). Since I officially hit the 6 month mark on the 1st, I applied to the place again. I immediately got rejected from the location I worked at. I then applied to another location and got a call to interview tomorrow right after sending the application.
Should I hide the fact that I haven't worked since? On the resume I sent in I listed the establishment as the last place I'd worked, which showed it was 6 months ago, so I was honestly surprised they called.
Ever since getting the keys dealt with again, I technically did recently accept an offer at a place in a near management position which I left after a week of training because I was seeing some red flags that turned out to be PROVEN TRUE 🙃 Such as I still haven't been paid and it's been 3 pay periods now, even though I left, and legaladvice advised to to file a wage complaint.. so who knows what I would have endured there.
Should I mention that I got this position since the title may be impressive? Or is it best to shut my mouth that I had a job that I left that soon?
Now, inevitably they are going to ask me what happened the last time I was at the restaurant. Well, buckle in and get ready to hear a little workplace drama: I was a slow learner at first, i admit it. Once I got the hang of things, though, I REALLY got it, and it honestly was the easiest job in the world to me, and I LOVED doing it when everybody wasn't on my ass. Unfortunately, since I had prior frustrated my coworkers, it got to a point where even when I was doing light-years better, I would still have coworkers be on edge with me and always excessively checking to make sure I had things done, even after I had shown that I had my stuff down pat for a while now. 2 of the coworkers, the most on my ass ones, quit, and the manager assured me it wasn't because of me, but I feel that was a lie because I told them I don't work well under guilt or pressure. Basically I had a day where I broke down to my manager in the office, hysterical crying, telling him that I know how to do things now and that nobody's noticed, and he said that many did and many did not.
Once those 2 were out, I was left with the last coworker I'd be around regularly- and it was this girl who was bitter from being paid $1 less from the rest of us. I KNEW she was going to take this opportunity to be just as on my ass, if not more, than the last two, and honestly, I just didn't have the mental fortitude to deal with it. I don't do well for social games, I don't have the heart for it, and if someone is going to try to frame me for something, I have a bad habit of just letting it happen to get it over with. The girl was already snipping and it's been too long to remember specifics at that point, but I knew she was looking for any wrong thing I did to tell my manager. I wasn't planning on doing anything wrong and I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I had had enough, I felt genuinely just sad, heartbroken that this all had transpired and I didn't have the energy to play workplace drama games with this girl, it's genuinely just not something I like doing. I felt shattered, and terrible that my coworkers quit and it boiled down to the last underpaid girl who I actually liked LESS than the 2 who were most on my ass. Those two girls were actually good girls and I thought they had great allover personalities, I just wished they had cut me some slack once I got used to things. I really had a love-hate relationship with them. But prior to any of this happening, this same underpaid girl had made it known to coworkers that she was already upset with the job and bitter, she had an attitude about it and compared it to working at mcdonalds, but none of this was EVER within management's sight that I'm aware of. So they had no idea that this girl I was now left with has been moping around bitter and not taking this job seriously and always ready to quit and be mad at anything they ask her to do due to her pay for a while now. Thats why I lost my ability to play this game so quickly-- she was very visibly eager to try to dimish my every effort from the jump once the two coworkers left and she felt she had me all to herself and had leverage now, and could easily outsmart and outbeat me. I don't even remember what it was, but I snapped and told her I had covid (I didn't), because I knew she would freak out and ask not to be scheduled with me. I was suspended for 3 days because I caused such an upset with the covid comment and then returned to work. I figured once I said that I'd get in trouble but then it would blow over, and I was hoping they wouldn't schedule me with her any more, since they had just brought in a guy from another department to what my position was and he was REALLY good and I absolutely loved working with and learning from him. So after my 3 days, I go in for my next scheduled shift and I see I'm working with her again, even though I had sent a hotschedule message asking to be scheduled with the guy. Which my manager said was fine, but I couldn't do anything about the already posted next 2 weeks on the schedule, it just isn't a workplace where they will alter it. So once I see her I decided to whip out all of my work in the first hour, and I DID. I went complete horsepower mode and knocked out my whole shifts of work in the first hour, and went and laid down in the back for a second. I knew I may get in trouble for laying down, but I just wanted it to be over. I was exhausted as I had been up all night because a manipulative family member had an episode for the first time in a long time of not having one, waking me up when I needed to sleep for my shift. So when I knocked out all of my work in that one hour, I gave her NO room to talk to me. She was very obviously upset that I wasn't consulting her every 2 seconds and I didn't want to deal with this- it had me kicking my ass into gear to complete all that work so hard, but I knew this was the last time I could deal with this. I broke. So I decided to kind of ask for trouble a second time, after the whole lying about covid ordeal, and kind of laid down in the back.. somewhat on purpose, and somewhat because I was actually tired, because I knew this may be thr last straw where I get fired, and I just wanted it to all be done and over with, I was so sad, I just didn't want to have to work in such a degrading way like this where I am forever indebted to everyone and I have to prove my worth at 100X speed and be the picture perfect worker there, when I was already doing GOOD at that point. Alas, that was the last straw and it was over. And to be fair, just being a slow learner wasn't my only problem. Okay, I'm just going to be honest now. I learned at a decent pace, but my two ACTUAL biggest mistakes were that 1.) I have chronic pain and didn't disclose when I interviewed that I need to be home at a certain time in the evening (9/930 latest) to take a medication that impairs my driving, else I have trouble walking and it really slows me down. 2.) I projected my OCD onto the company and purposely overlapped the floors, making them think I was just a slow learner 😬😬 I did this with employee bathrooms as well. I also sprayed down spots of the employee bathrooms we weren't expected to spray down and was in fact told at first that we're NOT supposed to clean those parts, which gave me the ick and I would secretly spray those parts because they would be common/basic parts. Come to find out later that new guy said that's actually how we WERE supposed to do it.. anyways, at the end of the day during bathroom duties I wouod already be slowing down due to my pain to begin with since my medication wasn't getting into my body at the appropriate time, and on top of THAT, my slowing down was even worse because I was sneakily cleaning these parts of the bathroom that everyone would scold you for cleaning because it took too much time. So therenow you know the truth, i was contemplating just baring it all, so there it is. How in HEAVENS am I to explain this tomorrow? Since the manager said he would give me a good reference anywhere, should I assume he is also going to do that for me to the same restaurant of another location nearby? I am scared of putting my foot in my mouth, because what if I TL;DR the truth for them or tell them that I was bad, only for the manager to say I was great, and then it looks weird and I don't get hired, or, what if I lie and tell them I was great but the manager tells THIS place the truth, since it is the same chain? Basically what if his offer to give me a good reference only extends to external places unassociated with the company? Since I was rejected IMMEDIATELY after sending the resume into my prior location, I worry that the restaurant may hear the entire lowdown on what's happened. How should I navigate this? Another thing is now that the one car is suspended and one is repoed as of today, my S.O. and I are living with a relative, so that relative has to drive us around, so I'd have to leave around 4:30-5pm until he can get the car back, or until I pay my insurance AND get the okay from the state that I am officially unsuspended, because he needs toe dropped off at work around 6-630, he works graveyard. Basically the relative would have to drop me off to work, come and get me with him when I'm off my shift, and drop him off (I doubt she would let him use the car alone). Unless I'm thinking about this wrong, which I admit, my mind is currently overflooded and overwhelmed with what to do.

Me and my fiancé have been together for 6 years and I would say we had a pretty good relationship until 3 years ago while I was pregnant with our first child he cheated on me. I didn’t know the whole pregnancy and only found out a year later. Ran into a girl he claimed was his family and found out different. They had slept together 1 night. A year and some change later we got passed it I forgave him and he showed that he can be trusted. Everything has been going so well. Just this Christmas he proposed to me. I was so excited. And by January we found out we were pregnant again. So last month he went out and was gone all night. He and his brother had something going on because his brother kept calling me 3 in the morning looking for my fiancé. He finally comes home 5 in the morning and he’s drunk don’t wanna talk nothing just went to sleep. I go out to his car a little later to get my card and find an open condom rapper in the cup holder. I confronted him and he tells me this story of how his brother was in his car with a girl and of course brothers are going to lie for each other. But I believed him. Something was telling me it was a lie but I had no proof which one of them was in the car. So just last week I had pain down low and I go to see the doctor. They send me home with the diagnosis that I had a barthlion cyst. But 4 days later I get lab results telling me I have herpes. My fiancé is the first person I call and once I tell him he’s like we can’t talk on the phone we’ll talk when I get home. We’ll low and behold he admits to cheating on me that night. He trying to say he was slipped something. His brother is admitting to slipping drugs in his drink so he can loosen up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go through all this alone. I don’t want to go through the rest of the pregnancy alone. How could I forgive this time?

Korean fan here. (Never mind my username, we all move countries and become settlers overseas)
I am aware that Kim will most likely activate his buyout clause in the first two weeks of July and likely Manchester United of the EPL will go after him.
However, as a Korean fan who's personally been to the city of Napoli and loved the people of Italia many years ago and how Kim has been loved by the local fans since the beginning of the season, I hope Napoli can continue to build a positive relationship with Korean football players even if Kim leaves for good this summer.
I don't know the team's philosophy on youth recruitment and development, but in the current U20 World Cup, Korea has made it to quarter finals after beating Ecuador by 3-2 last night and there's a prospective Centreback named Kim Jisoo (born Dec 2004, playing for Seongnam FC of K Leauge 2 division. 8 years younger than Kim).
Kim is about an inch taller than Kim (Kim is 192cm and Kim is 190cm) and his game play style definitely reminds me of how Kim has done with Jeonbuk Hyundai, Beijing Guoan, Fenerbache, and Napoli. His passing ability and positioning seem pretty good for his age and 2023 is his second season as a pro player in the K League 1 and 2 (Seongnam FC had unfortunately been relegated to K League 2 this season).
Brentford FC sent Seongnam FC an official offer for about 700k and Bayern Munich was once also was interested in him as well.
I hope Napoli can consider recruiting Kim and send him somewhere on a loan for him to get some consistent game time and grow, maybe in Seria B or C or perhaps a different European league like Austria Bundesliga first and can eventually have Kim as CB to replace Kim in the future.
Forza Napoli Sempre!

Back again with a question, I’m only a couple weeks into my working out and doing a calorie deficit to lose 10-15 pounds at least. Trying to hit a 500 deficit a day/3,500 a week, one pound down a week method.
Honestly I struggle a lot with basic math, so I just have a question.
Let’s say my TDEE says it’s 1,845, and I eat 1,300 calories in a day. I also go to the gym and do cardio up to 500 calories (I know these are usually inaccurate and you should not add them at face value but let’s say it is for this equation), does that mean I add the 500 calories to the 1,845, = 2,345, and then subtract the 1,300 I ate/drank = 1,045 deficit?
And days I don’t workout, just subtract 500 deficit from the 1,845 = 1,345 and try to stay under that?
On some days when I go to the gym, I am averaging like the equation above and that seems almost, too easy. Like I’m missing something. I’m adding each thing I eat and drink and not going hungry. I mean I guess if the workout calories are inaccurate anyways then it all evens itself out without being too drastic. Am I doing it wrong?

Genuinely trying to understand how some people manage to eat around 5000 calories a day, and not be worried about it?
Example: I went with my partner the other day to a well known pizza chain for lunch in SE England. It was 1pm. My partner had small pizza & small salad but couldn’t manage it all. I had a few chips/tiny salad. That was enough for me for about 4 hours at least (I’d eaten 2 bananas plus bowl of Shreddies at 9am). We are NOT underweight …. Quite the opposite in fact - and could both do with losing around 40 pounds each!! I try & keep my weight lower by making veg soups/salads etc. I walk 3 miles every day. My total daily calorie intake is about 2200 calories.
Anyway. A family of 6 were there. 4 adults in their early 30s plus a teen and older lady.
They each ate: 2 small deep pan pizzas 1 portion chips 2 large bowls salad with dressing Half garlic bread 1 large bowl ice cream/sauce/choc chips 2-3 glasses fizzy drink
This was EACH?!! At mid day! Each of the adults were probably about 260 pounds at least. And looked really unwell.
I tend to eat 2 bananas, bowl of cereal, home made veg soup, a yogurt plus sandwich, between 3am & 5pm. That’s more than enough. Maybe I found it so hard because my IBS prevents me eating more than about 225 cals in an hour?! To see someone consume at least 2700 calories in 1.5 hours is just crazy!
I mean ok so I eat a small portion of chips & a sandwich at 6pm. Then 10 shots of rum plus 3 boiled eggs between 11pm & 2am. (Disclaimer: I don’t smoke or go on holiday or eat junk food or buy clothes or over eat or have big cars or live in a big house or any of those things…. That rum is my only relaxation!)
I usually get up at 1pm & eat most of my calories from then onwards. To see someone STUFFING themselves with more than their recommended daily intake at that time of day?! In a little more than 90 minutes?!! I can’t bear to think what they’re doing to themselves??! 😢😢😢
Why do they do this? I just feel genuinely sad for their well being 😢😢😢
Ps. Looking forward to the abuse

System: 5th Edition Dungeons and Dragons
Platform: Discord (Voice) + Foundry
Time: 7:00AM Central, Sunday mornings
Age: 30+
Prior Sessions: 5
Level: 3
Party comp: An assassin, a hexblade and a war cleric walk into a bar...
Blurb: A democratic state is wedged between two restive nations, maintaining independence through delicate balance of power and keen diplomacy. To the North the tyrant king expands his reportedly undead reach. To the South a thousand year dynasty faces upheaval as the royals fall in battle and allegiances are shaken. Elves meddle, dwarves raid, gnomes boil children and halflings boil potatoes. Amidst this turbulent backdrop, you, noble adventurer, seek to exterminate rats and fetch macguffins for a few silver more.
World: Homebrew window dressing on a popular third party setting.
Game type: Fairly-classic-fantasy, fiction first with a little bit of crunch. Low-moderate lethality - death is a possibility but not a certainty.
DM: 42/he/him, only played the last 5-10 years. Pretty well grounded in mechanics, not so much with the lore. There may be discrepancies between my characterization and DnD canon; I’m okay with that.
Party: Heroic/good leaning. 4 is ideal. 50% is quorum. Present players may pilot absent players’ characters. Frequently absent or late players will be replaced.
Players: 30+, punctual, attentive, team oriented. Should be willing to do a little work out of session to be prepared for their role in session.
Content: There will be violence and a bit of foul language, but let’s not get too descriptive in that vein. Rape, racism, and sexual assault aren’t themes I’d like to explore. Everyone at the table should feel comfortable.
Maps: Always for battle. I find theater of the mind combat arbitrary and capricious. Battlemaps will be 25% gorgeous maps that I sourced, 50% crummy maps that I’ve made, and 25% grid and rough sketches because I wasn’t expecting things to happen. I’m not a fan of world maps. I mean I love them, just not as party GPS. No hex-crawling here.
Character Creation:

• Point buy
• +3 max ability mod at lvl 1
• Approved Sources: PHB, SCAG, XGTE, most TCOE
• Some exceptions apply
• Material from other sources may not be accepted
• Feel free to ask
• Don’t feel free to haggle
• Map out character progression in spreadsheet or document
  • Race/Class/Subclass/Scores/Skills/Features/ASIs/Feats/Spells, all of it
  • Informs players on character mechanics
  • Informs DMs on player intentions
  • Helpful for narrative purposes, foreshadowing, loot, and boons. Foreknowledge makes party/encounter balance easier Informs DMs on player commitment
  • Character Progression Example

House Rules
Fractional Rest Variant: Allows casters to recover a portion of expended resources every day rather than weekly (gritty) or between arcs (safe haven).

• Fatigue and environment affect long rest quality
• There are 5 rest levels: none, minimal, poor, adequate, and full.
• No rest accrues levels of exhaustion
• Minimal rest does not dispel a level of exhaustion
• Fractional rest recovers a fraction of expended hit dice
  • None 0, Minimal 25% Poor 25% Adequate 50% Full 50%
  • Fractional rest recovers a fraction of a casters expended spell slot points
  • None 0, Minimal 25% Poor 50% Adequate 75% Full 100%
  • Slots are recovered from lowest to highest
  • Spell slot points = (spell level) x (slot quantity)
  • If all spell slots are not recoverable, and all spell points are not expendable (i.e. lowest open slot is level n and ≤n-1 points remain) the spell point balance remains for 24 hours, and can be used to restore spell slots on a short or long rest
• Extended Casting Time:
  • Higher level magic takes longer to cast. Attacks during casting triggers concentration checks. On a failed concentration check the spell is not cast, and the slot is not consumed.
  • Most Lvl 3+ spells with a casting time of 1 action take 1.5 rounds
    • Bonus action round prior begins cast
    • Action following round completes casting
  • Most Lvl 5+ spells with a casting time of 1 action take 2 rounds
    • Action to begin casting, next round action to complete casting
  • Most Lvl 7+ spells with a casting time of 1 action take 2.5 rounds
  • Most Lvl 9 spells with a casting time of 1 action take 3 rounds
  • Casters may be granted rapid casting (1 action) on a few select higher level spells as a boon
  • Healing Spells are exempt
• Exhaustion
  • ~DND One style: -1 checks, attacks, DCs, and saves per level, -5 feet movement
  • Lesser Restoration removes 1 level exhaustion
  • Greater Restoration removes exhaustion
  • Hit zero save against exhaustion
• Death
  • Scaling resurrection DC
  • Whisper death saves
• Teleporting
  • Teleports that cross ley lines get swept along with them, and can only conclude along the line.
  • Leylines can be used for fast but not instantaneous travel through the shadow realm, covering hundreds of miles per day. There are risks.
• Shield Spell
  • Ceiling: Max AC=15+Ability Mod+½ Spell Level
  • Range: Touch

How to apply Send a message here or an email to my gmail-same name. Tell me enough about yourself to get a sense of you. Bonus for commentary/criticism/concerns regarding the house rules. I'll do an interview on the weekend. You interview me, I'll interview you. Applying that mindset -that it's not about getting accepted but about finding the right match for all interested parties- to any interview, job or game, typically means people interview better and enjoy themselves more, and with any luck find the right match for all involved parties.

nice to meet you! i'll get to the point of saying that i lack friends irl and would really love to make a close friend from this post! anywho, let me chitchat about myself now.

• resides in the southern part of the us, to the point i'm dying from heat when i step outside.
• 5'0" foot, super chunky bbw (i'm getting a gastric sleeve this month), pale, with random tattoos all over my legs, wavy brown hair.
• my best friend is the tiny human i made, she's 2 1/2.
• gamer. mostly plays league of legends. dabbled in WoW & FFXIV for a while, loved the social aspect of it and looking super cute. also own a nintendo switch!
• kinda childish. i love disney and collecting random mystery blind bag toys.
• enjoys journaling, the sunshine, and lots of iced coffee.
• enjoys anime, my favorite is hunter x hunter.
• kinda loud, very deep southern accent, shy of talking in calls.
• loves instrumental gaming music, anybody agree WoW has the best ambience music?
• loves to dress up and look super cute and girly!
• don't smoke, or drink.

i have a lot of free times on my hand so feel free to message me. i love the attention. maybe i'm your cup of tea and we'll get along and be best friends! and hopefully you love and enjoy games like myself! wherever you may be, enjoy your day.

I love the idea of teaching a girl all the right ways to turn on a man. We can go slow, then ramp up. We can do oral training. We can do roleplay. You want it rough and hard? Smooth and romantic? I am pretty open. Condoms are a must or proof of BC, not looking to have any kids.This should be obvious, but 18+ ONLY, no exceptions.
I am also open to just chatting online, but my ideal match would be someone local we can eventually meet up. PLEASE have better conversations skills than a potato. If you are going to send 1 word replies do not bother.
My ideal set up would be us chatting a little bit, then moving over to some type of video chat. Then set up a IRL meeting to feel each other out and get comfortable at Starbucks, where we can discuss G-Rated or X-Rated things. Then we can go back to my place(Yes I can host) shower up, then get down to business
My top kinks are cum worship, DD/LG, face- fucking, rimming, and face slapping/choking. I will not do any "break-in" scenarios without some type of face to face meeting first, not looking to get set-up/robbed/go to prison. I also require safe words, that way we can both get off pushing right up to the border, but wont go over it. I want to rape own and abuse your holes and body ONLY if it is consensual and turns you on.
Pluses but not requirements are : Petite body- A cups Younger(18+) Innocent girl next girl type or church camp type. Mixed race.

So was watching SDL and I thought of some things I would like to see in a wwe game

1. Interactive entrance Ex. The street Profits drop cups in there entrance. What if we could press a button to do heel or face stuff using our the entrance . Ex being heel would kick or stomp the cups . Face would pick up the cups and toss to the crowd .
   
2. Customizable weight classes and limits Cruiserweight division used to be under 220 but now is 205. What if 205 and below was light heavyweight and 206 to 220 was cruiserweight . U couldn't compete for a heavier weight class unless
   
3. Changing weight classes If u wanted to change weight classes what if u had training mode to cut or gain weight?. Also would require GM approval.
   
4. Combined and individual reigns In wwe games your stats only show combines reigns . I would like to see a slot for individual reigns. Let's say I win a title I would like a slot to show how many days I held that title from that win to the time I lost . U Can leave the combined reigns in a separate slot .
   
5. 5 members plus a manager 5 member stable
   
6. Leader and world title 2 and 3 tag team
   
7. Midcard 5 manager or another title 6 manager of whole group
   
8. Ability to betray and it has ramifications during a match By following a specific chain of events you could press a button to betray your partner and join the other team as an ally or walk away . If ur the leader then the leader has kicked you out of the stable . Also building your friendship levels with ur stablemates could allow u to usurp the leadership position should u betray the leader
   

Let me know what u guys think

F, 5’7” SW: 320 CW: 294.2 GW: ????
I am 32 days post-op today. Finally on soft foods and I’m doing well! But is that an issue?
Today I ate two very small chicken breasts, 2 small lamb kebabs, 2 protein shakes, and 2 string cheeses. +40oz of water so far. This is the most I’ve eaten since I got sleeved, and I feel totally fine. Is it normal to be eating nearly 1.1k calories at this point in my journey?
Before this, I have eaten maybe 900 calories MAX in a day, and 500 cals on the lower end (my median is typically 700-800 calories/day though).
I’m not super worried or anything, I suppose I’d just like to temper my expectations and hear what others’ experiences may have been at this point in their lifestyle change. My surgeon is famously tight-lipped so I appreciate anyone who responds.
:) :) :) :)

It was so terribly cold. Snow was falling, and it was almost dark, when out of the blue, my wife called me at work. "We're going to Niagara Falls for the weekend. I got us an awesome deal!"
We had both been working at our first "full-fledged" jobs for a year and had reached that moment after graduation when you suddenly realize you can't make that impact on the world your student enthusiasm once promised. At first, I just sighed. It was the dead of January, and I had already expended all my energy on a week of inconsequential stress. I just wanted to collapse on the couch for two days. Sarah felt a similar weary exhaustion. I could tell. Her tone was more hopeful than excited, but she had dreaded the routine we were sinking into and was trying her best to pull us free.
I looked to the ceiling and adjusted my telephone headset. At that time I was working at Stats Canada on the tele-query desk. I took a deep breath and, as convincingly as possible, said, "Sounds good." I don't think she bought it, but we went nonetheless.
This was Niagara Falls before the casinos when there was a very distinct off-season. When we got to the hotel, we were given the details of our "lovers' special". One dinner to be used either Friday or Saturday, two breakfasts, a roll of tokens for the arcade, 10% off some "4D" movie ride experience, and a 2-for-1 coupon to Max Tussaud's. I guessed it was Madame's nephew? We also got a bottle of sparkling wine in our room and chocolate treats on our pillows. I was impressed. It sounded good.
When we got into our room and saw the "bottle" of wine - basically an aeroplane-sized glass and half - and the chocolates - "fun wrapped" Oh Henry's left over from Halloween - we both started to laugh. The tone for two wonderful days had been set. We decided to cash in on our dinner coupon right away.
The restaurant off the lobby had hopes of being better. There were huge panoramic windows that promised a view of the gorge. Unfortunately, they had some winter moisture problems that day, and it felt like we were defrosting amid the dripping streaks and foggy patches. The decor was your standard booths and tables though the "romantic" lighting was unique. Dollar store battery-powered tea lights were lodged inside thick tumbler glasses and shed a muted pleasantness in a "what a great idea for a craft" sort of way. I had a feeling they were created by our waitress since she was the one who always seemed to be fussing with them. Only one other couple was in the dining room, so she attended to us immediately.
"Can I get you something to start?"
"Sure." "Thank you, that would be nice." We both responded simultaneously.
"And what would the lady like this evening?"
Sarah smiled at the flattery. "I think I'll have a glass of white wine." She glanced over at me to see my reaction. This was a subtle cue of the mood to follow. Diet Coke was usually the beverage of choice. She didn't normally drink alcohol. One glass numbed her nose and made her giggle far too easily. When she did drink, however, it meant she was comfortable with my company and open to anything to follow. I raised my eyebrows in a debonair way.
"And for the gentleman?"
"Do you have Foster's on tap?"
"Yes we do."
"I'll have a pint please."
Sarah smiled at the happy memories I invoked. At university, Foster's was my signature beer. It was at a time when Crocodile Dundee was a known name, and Australia was inexplicably cool. 15 cent buffalo wings and a pitcher of Foster's was the Tuesday night special at the London Arms pub. There the Classics Club would meet and, as a group, circle the wagons and drink ourselves into extroverts.
As soon as the waitress left, Sarah smiled at me. She reached out and held my hand across the table. With my gaze on hers, she slipped her foot from her shoe and slowly began sliding it up my pant leg.
"I got a pedicure this morning." She announced seductively.
I nodded and pretended I didn't notice her invitation. "What colour?" I asked.
"I'm not telling." She teased. "You'll just have to find out later." Her devious little smile was gorgeous.
"Mmmm. I can't wait."
When the waitress returned with our drinks, we immediately retreated to our personal spaces as if we had been discovered by the chaperone. Sarah opened the menu and began to salivate at the variety.
"Can we add an appetizer to the package dinner?" Her question seemed innocent enough.
"You're on the package?" Our friendly waitress disappeared, and we were no longer a lady or a gentleman. She ripped the menu out of Sarah's hand and took mine before I had even opened it. She then scurried to her podium and brought back a tattered, grease-stained, photocopied page that we had to share. We both burst out laughing.
The waitress was flustered that we were not as bothered as she was. "The drinks are NOT included!"
"What choices do we have?" I asked, expecting the usual chicken or fish. I had been on many packages before with my parents.
"Coffee or tea." The waitress snapped.
Sarah and I looked at each other in amused disbelief.
"I'll have coffee please." I didn't even flinch at the ridiculously limited package. I was eager to get my order in early.
"And I'll have the tea!" Sarah followed my lead. "Can I have some milk with that?"
"Yes." The waitress snarled.
"Fantastic!" I enthused.
"Yes, great! I'm glad we got the package, Honey." Sarah joked.
The waitress stormed off and returned sometime later with our lettuce-only salads drowned in Kraft's Italian dressing and our chewy chicken dinners, which she had thoughtfully allowed to cool. She tossed the plates on the table and left us to peacefully devour our deal. We didn't see her again until we requested the bill. For some reason, we found it amusing to leave a generous tip, which of course, defeated the purpose of the package, but we didn't care. It was fun.
The rest of the holiday was marred with similar off-season products and services. The wax museum was only half open, so we couldn't see the pop stars of the seventies. I didn't think it was a problem, but Sarah pouted playfully. She really wanted to see young Bowie. Meanwhile, the arcade was particularly stingy about spitting out coupons. So much so that Mike, the scraggly-haired repair guy, ended up escorting us from game to game and repairing the devices on demand. In no time, he was acting like an old drinking buddy. He joked and laughed, then, out of the blue, revealed that working at the Niagara Falls Fun Centre wasn't his career choice, that his dream was to be part of a travelling carnival. He desperately wanted to see more of the world, he explained and socialize with a greater variety of "wildlife." Mike winked at Sarah to punctuate his meaning, then began advising her on which games to play.
Sarah was partial to Skee ball and clearly had career potential in the sport, but Mike quickly pointed out that the token-to-coupon payout was not the best. In a furtive whisper, he revealed that The Storm Stopper was your best bet, provided the arcade had left it on its original factory settings. He assured us the ones here were "cool." The game had lights that ran around the outside in opposite directions and you had to hit the button at just the right spot to win. It looked impossible, but Mike was right; if you calculated tokens in versus coupons won, it was the best deal. It only took a little practice to win a minor jackpot every 5 or 6 times.
We would cheer each win as if Toronto had won the Stanley Cup. I would give a quick fist pump and a full lung "Yes!" while Sarah would jump up and down screaming, "WhoooHooo!" Of course, in the end, when we cashed in, "Mike's secret" only bumped us up from a key-chain flashlight to a "deluxe" nail beauty set. Mind you, it did come complete with clippers, scissors, a file AND a cuticle scraper. Not only that, it was all neatly packaged in a paisley-patterned pink and green plastic vinyl case. Mike was so pleased to give us our prize and to be honest, we were thrilled to win it if only to see his broad chicletted smile. It was more of a trophy than a grooming set.
That night, I made reservations for us at a fancy Chinese food restaurant - the Bamboo Garden. When we arrived, we had half-expected renovations of some sort. Instead, the place was immaculate. Gentle pools teeming with goldfish highlighted the epic black and red Ming dynasty decor. Real candles flickered on crisp white tablecloths. Again, the restaurant was virtually ours. The reservations on my part were entirely unnecessary. In fact, as soon as we entered, they knew us by name and guided us directly to our table. A live lounge piano caressed the air, its notes danced vaguely around familiar harmonies until finally, as if prompted by our presence, a song emerged immediately accompanied by the velvet voice of oriental karaoke. It was our song remastered